IF YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOLDFISH ALIVE

Mommy says I can't have a puppy, unless I can keep a goldfish alive,

So far that's not going well, no matter how hard I strive,

Most fish die by week two,

Some make it three, just a few,

I fear I may never have a puppy; I just turned 35.

Mommy says I can't start dating, unless I can keep a goldfish alive...

GOLDFISH HEAVEN

Heaven is full of goldfish, thanks to me,

Every time I buy one, they live two weeks, maybe three,

The body goes into the toilet bowl,

One flush separates corpse from soul, 

This is as close as my goldfish get to a burial at sea.

I NAILED TWO BOARDS TOGETHER

I nailed two boards together, but methinks those boards I should have screwed,

I did not have screws or a screwdriver, so I hammered and nailed, so crude,

Now the weather is getting bad,

My boards are loosening, so sad,

Soon my shack will blow away, and to the weather gods, I'll be nude.

CLIFF HAD NINE BOXES OF TOYS-Limerick

Cliff had nine boxes of toys,
He had everything played with by boys,
His girlfriend named Pearl,
Had every toy for a girl,
Their kids just wanted to make noise.

THE ELEVATOR LIMERICK: GOING UP

John's elevator went to the very top floor,
But, when he got there he couldn't open the door,
So, to avoid having a stroke,
John lit up a smoke,
And, the sprinkler started to pour.

 

BACK OF THE TANK PET

It was the back of the tank,

Where my dead goldfish sank,

You'd think after his bloat,

He'd float like a boat,

From the depths, my net gave fishy a yank.

MY FAVORITE JELLYBEANS LIMERICK

The Jellybean Mean by lcb.

I went and bought some jellybeans,
There were reds, and blues, yellows and greens,
But, the purples were the treat,
They were more sour than sweat,
And, rare as defined by any means.

TOASTED TURKEY TO GO

I tried to use my toaster,

I should of used my roaster,

The turkey didn't fit,

So I had to quit,

As a chef I won't be a boaster. 

I BREAK FOR BROTHER BOOM

On the last day of February, I break,

From work, a personal day I will take,

I lite a firecracker for a boom,

Toss it near my brother's bedroom,

Sometimes he's mad, and gives my body ache.

HOW I SERVE MY TATER-TOTS AND TEA

I shop stores and yard sales for teapots,

I buy them as singles, or in lots,

I buy some cause they're  pretty,

I buy uglies out of pity,

I host tea, and serve frozen tater-tots. 

A BEAR AND A BIGFOOT PLAYED TETHERBALL

A bear and a Bigfoot played tetherball,
The Bigfoot won because he was so tall,
The bear was a soar loser,
And, sour mash boozer,
The bear swallowed the big foot and all.

I FOUND SOME EASTER GRASS

I went looking for Easter grass,

I found some growing under an overpass,

I quick stopped my car,

But, I was parked out too far,

And, a semi plowed my car in the gas.

NED SMELLS ALONE

Ned could smell a person flagellate, from across the sea,

Ned could tell if they be flagellating their meds, or meals, or tea,

Ned never kept his friends,

They broke up because of ends,

Ned couldn't keep his mouth shut, and let the flagellation be.

THERE ONCE WAS A BIKER NAMED FARLEY

There once was a big biker named Farley,
He liked to ride around on his Harley,
His tire blew out,
He flew all about,
And landed in a big field of barley.


There once was a biker named Farley,
He drank lots of beer made with barley,
He drank it too quick
Then he got sick,
And he could not ride home on his Harley.

A RAINBOW TROUT NAMED NINA

There was a rainbow trout named Nina,
She had a real pretty patina,
We had our first date,
On my dinner plate,
With a dressing called Catalina.

AMY MADE FUN OF HER BIG SISTER RUTH LIMERICK

Amy made fun of her big sister Ruth,
Because Ruth was missing a front baby tooth,
But, Ruth’s smile had an appeal,
That Amy’s words could not steal,
Amy’s attitude everyone thought was uncouth.

I SHARE SUP WITH MY PUP

The sun made my raspberries dry up,

So, I have no berries for my sup,

Now, I shed many a tear,

When my berries ain't here,

And, end up sharing dog food with my pup.

WRONG TURN AT THE MACARONI FACTORY

I went to the factory where they shape macaroni like bows,

The kind that when you boil it is modestly grows,

But, I made a wrong turn,

So, what did I learn?

Well, it was how to macaroni shaped "O's." 

 

PAUL WENT TO THE GYM LIMERICKS

Paul went to the gym,
He believed he would become slim,
But, Paul loved butter fried rice,
And, fried cheese tasted so nice,
Paul’s weight goal was dimmer than dim.

Paul went to the gym to win,
He was hefty and wanted to be thin,
He worked out each day and each night,
But, on the scales he didn’t become light,
Because with cheesy pizza and pasta he’d sin.

With his girlfriend Paul went to the gym,
He wanted to look better for his girlfriend Kim,
But, one day when he went there,
He saw Kim smooching with Pierre,
So, Paul went pasta binging with big brother Tim.

MY LITTLE RED BARN IS NO MORE LIMERICK

My little red barn is no more,
The snow on the roof pushed the roof to the floor,
And, as for my cows,
They suffered ouches and oughs,
But, their safe though their homeless and poor.

THE LIZARD MAN OFFICIAL LIMERICK

Lizard man hunts in the woods by the bay,
Hunting wild boars and pigs that go stray,
Lizard man can smell,
Hams like a dinner bell,
Once smelled they won't get away.

ICY SIDEWALK HAIKU

Icy, sidewalk, slip,
Strain, unbalanced, fall, impact,
Leg broke, bones heal, spring,

MY TIME LOOP LOOPED ME WRONG

My time loop looped me wrong,

I got stuck singing a grade school song,

I wanted the college scene,

Not the pre-teen in-between,

Now I'm in first grade playing video, Kong.

FULL DIAPERS COOKED IN A CAR, AND BREAKFAST

My pancakes smell like fungi feet,

So no one would give them an eat,

My eggs, no one would chance,

Because of a smell circumstance,

Like diapers, cooked on a carseat.

THE GRADER-GUY SMILES

My mailbox sat in a snowbank and the grader was coming near,

Soon my mail would be all over, because the grader was no dear,

BAM! my mail flew into space,

Grader-guy smiled across his face,

My mailbox was crushed to pieces, so I shed a little tear.

I CURSED THE BEACHES OF SNOW

One fall I sat in a warm sun driven glow,

Then, came the blizzard bringing beaches of snow,

I am not vocally proud,

I cursed profusely out loud,

For it would be six months before the warm glow I'd know.

I WOES MY TOES AND NOSE

I use to have some toes,

But yesterday they froze,

Along with the point of my nose,

So to surgery I goes,

Now for my toes and nose, I woes.  

SNOWY, ICY ROAD LIMERICK

Went out driving in a snowstorm, and lost my way,

Went sliding and gliding into a Lake Huron Bay,

The thin ice I tested,

By the cold water, got bested,

So I'll spend the night; should get pulled out; break of day.

MY SNOW ADVENTURE LIMERICK OPUS 9

I had an adventure out in the snow,

It was drifting and drifting and it gave me a blow,

I did not feel fine,

For the blow broke my spine,

Now off in the ambulance I go.

I WAS SO BAD, I ENDED UP IN CHUM'S CORNERS

I went to a party down state in Pontiac,

Woke up in Chum's Corners in a  tin lean-to shack,

Felt kind of rough,

Ate some strawberry fluff,

Can't go anywhere, because funds I do lack.

FARMER THORN

There once was a farmer named Hank Thorn
He grew the very sweetest sweet corn,
But  along came a flood,
His field filled with crud,
Now he looks at his mud flats with scorn.

THE UNBUNDLEABLE TECH MAN

My tech is too tightly bundled,

It's confusing and it makes me soar,

I'd really like to unbundle the stuff,

And, through what I don't want right out the door,

I've been told I need a flowchart,

To keep me organized,

But, with games, TV, internet and more,

I'm stone frozen, like gorganized,

I call and they say "can I help you?" 

I'm thinking, "that's the first lie," 

Then, they expound on why they can't help,

Then, they hangup with sometimes a goodbye.      

MY FISH FARM FROZE

My fish farm froze with the first deep freeze,
A pond so solid you can skate on it with ease,
But, I don't care,
For I know my fish are there,
And, I don't have to feed them or treat them for disease.

THERE'S A POTATOE GROWING IN MY PARASITE INFESTED PANTS

Last fall out in my garden, I got a tater in my cloths,

It made a home in my painter pants, and now it grows and grows,

Guessing the fert, I had lots of maybes,

Turns out taters love dead scabies,

I now have a tater farm, and my painter paints, I sews.

MY BEAR RELATIONS

Pepper spray was what I used,

When by grizzly bear I felt abused,

Now, his eyes might be soar,

But, me thinks I'm hurt more,

Since, my innards have outwardly oozed.

Tiger, Tiger brush your teeth

Tiger, tiger don't eat my kite,

Or I'll whoop you in a fight,

Make sure your teeth are sharp and white,

When they rip my flesh tonight,

Do it fast because time is tight,

Gotta catch the bus at dawn's first light.

I SWAM 3 METERS

I swam 3 meters and sank down 4,

If I hadn't stopped swimming I would have sunk down more,

Of course, I'm a human,

I'm not a fish,

And, swimming makes my human parts feel very sore.

THE IRS AND MY SUMS

My sums don't work, the IRS says,

They suggested I was high from my diet of  Pezz,

The IRS threatened fines and some jail,

As they read my signed forms with detail,

So, I quietly moved to Juarez.

THE SEA BASS OR CHICKEN AROMA

Allen ate fried chicken and it gave him gas,
He sat and hoped that his bloating gut would pass,
Then, his girlfriend Helen stopped by,
And, Allen passed his chicken fry,
Helen wondered if Allen's chicken was sea bass.

THE POOR ON POOR DINE, MY NEIGHBORHOOD IN DECLINE

Things are real fine in my far neighbor's hood,

The people live within fences, and behave really good,

But where I work, live and stay,

We got the low, low, low pay,

So people have perm borrowed things, when they could.

THE CHOPPER AND MY LOST, MANGLED KITE

I flew my kite on one windy day,

Then along came a chopper that cut it away,

The chopper-man gave me a smile,

While all the while,

My kite blew far, far astray.

I knew that my kite was forever gone,

For I waited up waiting from dusk till the dawn,

And, I feared once in the trees,

My kite would be mangled by breeze,

And, pieces spread over somebody's lawn. 

DINNER 2+ AND MOO

It might be enough for you,

But I like to eat dinner, two,

And most time I eat three,

The fourth, in front of TV,

Then I nightcap with warm milk from a moo. 

I WOKE UP WITH THE HEAD OF FRANKENSTEIN

I thought I looked really fine,
Until I woke up as Frankenstein,
The scientist was insane,
Who implanted my brain,
And stitched together this monster with twine.

SNOW AND ONIONS

My truck is stuck in 4 feet of snow,

But, I have 400 feet to go,

So, I followed a rabbit right down his hole,

Which he shared with two bears and a troll,

 They fried me with onions with coals all aglow.

SOUP ON THE STOOP

I sit out on my stoop,

Eating four leg soup,

I take my pills,

Blow out my gills,

And, do the hula hoop.

MY GERBIL DOES NOT GERB NO MORE

My gerbil does not gerb no more,
He passed away on his gerbil cage floor,
I had him 31 days,
I even built him a maze,
And, 30 days is return policy at the store. .

THE RAVE SCOUT AND THE BEAR

I had a real bad scare,

When I was eaten by that bear,

He ate me arms, he ate me legs,

For those appendages, I now need pegs,

On that night that I would rue,

I was in the green forest, sky dark blue,

I was scouting for a place to rave,

When I came upon a big bear cave,

I was a rave scout, it paid the bills,

If I could provide the ravers thrills,

I figured the bear would provide great stills,

And, more excitement if there were kills, 

I thought that first I should explore,

It would be easy, there was no door

Methinks myself a cunning knave,

When I sneaked up on that big bear cave,  

Then, the bear came out with a pleasant smile,

So, we both stood grinning for a while,

Alas, he did smite me with his claws,

And, ripped off my limbs with his drooling jaws,

Finally, he left me with my stumps,

Lurking into the forest with grumbles and grumps,

And, as I lied there awaiting death,

I thought boy, that bear had real bad breath.  

VALENTINE'S DAY + BUGS = NO SMOOCHING

Ray wanted to smooch with his girlfriend Mandy,

So, on Valentine's Day he gave his girlfriend candy,

The candy was all full of bugs,

Of course no kisses or hugs,

Instead, his ex-girlfriend is smooching with Andy.
 

CHEWY CHEWY CLANG CLANG

The months in Michigan before May,

I charge my battery all day,

Between the mice and the rats,

The skunks and the bats,

My wires are chewed to a fray. 

CAPITALISM, CANNIBALISM, AND THE HIGH PRICE OF EGGS

I went to a robin, and I had to beg,

My muffin mix, required an egg,

My small paycheck reward,

Means no groceries I've stored,

I've ate the wife, the kids and Aunt Meg.

I HAVE TOO MANY MEAN VALENTINES

How do you know if you have too many valentines?

When together they confront you, that's one of the signs,

And, when you have poison in your belly

From your eggs, toast and jelly,

Then, they bury you out back in the pines.

TITUS THE TERRIBLE WAS A MAN IN THE PAST

Because Titus was one of the old boys,

He still loved ticker tape and tinker toys,

No modern stuff,

Titus was tough,

He ate red meat and never soys.

I BUILT A MONSTER

I built me a monster out of body parts and old souls,

I wanted a friend, but it had other goals,

It conquered the earth,

Which hurt my net worth,

And it used it's strength to rip me new holes.

THE ADVENTURES OF NANCY DEBBIE TEW

Nancy Debbie Tew,

Climbed trees that had a view,

She scraped her knee,

And swallowed a bee,

The tree manufacturer, she sue.

THE BEAVER, PANSY AND FRIENDS

Pansy was a beaver, and she dove for fish all day,

Nancy had a clever, and cleaned fish down by the bay,

Pansy sold Nancy fresh fish,

Chef Helen bought the fish for a dish,

They all loved their work, though the profits were only o.k.

MY GOLDFISH PLAYS DEAD

My goldfish is good at playing dead,
He's done it for the past two weeks,
He can even make a dead goldfish smell,
For his fishbowl really wreaks,

My goldfish is so clever,
At playing that he is no more,
He can float on his back forever,
But, his actions start to bore,

I've had it with my goldfish,
I won't give him anymore food,
Until he starts to swim around,
And, entertain this dude.

MY JACK CAME LOOSE

I rotated my tires and you want to know what?

My jack came loose and I got pinned cross the gut,

Although I felt massive pain,

I kept steady my brain,

And, did not lose a single lug nut.

BOB THE PICCOLO FLUTE PLAYER WITH GAS

Bob liked to play the piccolo flute,
But when he’d blow air, out the back end he’d toot,
It did not sound really fancy,
It made the audience very antsy,
So the band leader gave Bob the boot.

VAMPIRE POETRY

Out  in the distance between the days,
A Vampire was born,
He lived in visual night and haze,
A prince whom many scorn,

Those that journey out into the night,
Where the prince of vampires waits,
Must know he's there not for the fright,
It's the blood that satiates.

Blood drawn deep down from the neck,
By demons made long ago,
Creatures not fit for heavan or heck,
Unloved, undead they know.

Vengence is a lonely child,
Kept pregnant deep within,
When let loose it's mind is wild,
The base of original sin.

I INVENTED THE INTERNET OR, WAS THAT SOMEONE ELSE?

Everyone wants a claim to fame,

As long as it's good and not some kind of shame,

Did the internet I invent,

Or, do I just pay for its rent,

And, when it goes down will I get the blame?