HOW TO MAKE A CAMPFIRE LIMERICK

I chipped some flint to make some fire,

I made a few sparks, but my arms started to tire,

So, I took out a match,

Struck a flame that would catch,

I chose the easy way, and left the hard way to admire.

PP09202023

A KING WHO FIGHTS WITHOUT HIS ARMY

Once on the plateaus of medieval France,
A giant monster foot ate peasants,
The foot would dine on bodies and wine,
While the king dined on pork and pheasants,

A cry went out unto the king,
To raise an army, and much, much more,
To fight the giant monster foot,
And, wave the kings sword to rally for war,

The king ignored the peasant’s prayers,
To the mighty king of France,
Instead, the king let the monster,
Across the Gaul’s land dance,

Then, one day the foot was at the outskirts of Paris,
Where the king and his castle be,
The foots intentions were very nefarious,
As even the king could see,

The king raised up an army of knights,
To fight outside the city of Glee,
Upon the battlefield the king set his sights,
With his nobles he’d make history,

When the sun was near the half in the sky,
The king and his nobles made their advance,
It was time to roust or die,
For Medieval France,

The king and forces took the field,
A thousand knights or more,
They knew the foot would never yield,
The foot was evil to its core,

The king sent out his bravest knight,
To slay the five toed beast,
But, it was just a slaughter,
As the foot had a fancy feast,

The king sent out two more nights,
They both met with equal slaughter,
The foot was filling up on men,
And, wanted to wash them down with water,

The king decided it was time,
To rush his whole army off to fight,
So, the king of France led the charge
While his knights stood still in fright,

The king was eaten whole with horse,
The French army ran away beaten,
The foot went on to Paris of course,
To get some really good people eaten,

There is a lesson to be learned,
About fighting monsters who like to eat,
A king who fights without his army,
Will go back home in defeat.

P12182023

BLOKES, SMOKES AND CREMATED PIE

I baked a homemade, fresh raspberry pie early, last night,

I forgot it was in the oven, and the flame burned bright,

I saw no smoke before the great, pie flame,

Still, I got the biggest share of the blame,

But, my son and his 4 blokes, were binge puffing smokes, alright?

I RAN OUT OF GUMMIES AND GOT FIRED

I ran out of gummy bears, and didn't have any for a week,

So, my job performance suffered, now a new job I must seek,

I vow to never run out of gummies again,

And, I have a backup plan that consists of gin,

I don't know what to tell the wife, who thinks gummy bears, a sin.

STRETCH OUT CHILI BY ADDING BEANS

A bear ate the weather woodchuck, and I don't know what that means,

Will winter be long or short, or somewhere inbetweens,

Will we get northern snow,

Or, a warm southern blow,

Will my chili be all meat, or almost 2/3rds beans.

13123

THE SCREWWORM PHILOSOPHY

I had a screwworm deep in my brain,

It kind of tickled, there was no.pain,

Clouds unfurled into blue,

Bees and birds sang as they flew,

Screw news:  it's alright to be insane.

WHEN MY FLUTE BREAKS, I BUY A BETTER ONE

My glass Pan flute fell onto the floor,

It shattered, and would toot never more,

I stepped above my class,

Bought a flute, made from brass,

I now toot until my lips are soar.

62824

I SPILLED MY SODA IN MY GOLDFISH TANK, AND MY GOLDFISH, HE DONE DIED

I cried and cried when my goldfish died, because I spilled my soda pop,

In criminal court, I was fair tried, after being arrested by the goldfish cop,

With my pet I won't grow old,

I'm celled in prison, alone, cold,

I am guilty I must confide, because the tank had no pop, stop, top.

100923

NOT EVERY AI CAN TRANSITION

I use to be a very productive AI,

But, I quit to become just a regular guy,

When to work I had to go,

The choo choo trains were too slow,

Guess I'll sit home eating gummies, until I die.

I GOT MY STOMACH PUMPED AGAIN, THANKS TO GRANDMA'S RANCID CHEESE RECIPE

I boiled some water to cook some old, rancid, stale cheese,

It is my favorite recipe, from my Grandma, Louise,

When the water gets hotter,

The cheese goes in the water,

When melted, drain the water, and give your hot cheese a squeeze.

To young kids out there.  Please do not cook on a stove without adult supervision, or you'll get severely injured, like me.  Also:  Never Eat Rancid Cheese.

ALWAYS LOOK UNDER THE BOAT BEFORE YOU BUY IT

Trina bought a big, beautiful new, blue pontoon boat,

She always dreamed of going out on the bay, to float,

A shock, the boat came without pontoons,

She saved boat money, for twenty moons,

To buy the pontoons, she sold her diamonds and fur coat.

NATURE CLEARS AWAY DEBRIS, THAT'S WHY THE VULTURES WILL EAT ME

I see vultures circling me, like I am a prise, 

I get it, I am dead, and they want to chew my eyes,

On the sand beach, I lay where I lied,

Big birds will soon eat away my hide,

Maybe I've been ate out by worms, "hey big birds, surprise".

BONES, CLONES AND THE OVERTON WINDOW

Everyone, completely hates me, the Overton Window has shone,

They all dislike me, since they found out that I'm not human, just a clone,

It is the OW curse,

Once started, it gets worse,

Each time the OW shifts against me, I feel a broken bone.

Note:  Many years ago, Joseph Overton was a close friend of mine.  We met in a high school class called Advanced Composition. Joe had a brilliant mind, and I'm happy to see his work referenced by major political commentators and pundits, from across the political spectrum. 

MY POVERTY AND SKINNY JEANS

The place where I live, we have little income means,

That is why we live on rice, beetle bugs and beans,

I eat a few teaspoons of food,

I've evolved; I'm a thinner dude,

I wish I had money, to buy some skinny jeans.

3125

I WENT FISHING ON THE FORTH OF JULY

I went fishing on the Forth Of July,
I forgot my bobber, so I fished with a fly,
I didn't catch a bass hog,
Just a floating pine log,
With a branch that stuck me in my right eye.

7414

MORAL: DON'T SWIM WITH SHARKS POEM

Two tree monkeys swam way out in the bay,
They thought swimming way out was such fun and great play,
Then, along came a shark looking for a feast,
Sighting the monkeys, he became a monkey hungry, beast,

The first monkey said as he was in the shark’s reach,
“Oh, I wish we were swimming up near the beach,”
The second monkey said as he watched his friend eaten, every pound,
"I wish we had stayed in our tree and never touched down on the ground".

103023

WORMS THE SCREW

My cat was loaded with screwworms, and touched my face and spread her woes,

The next day I had a jillion screwworms, screwing up my nose,

My brain was getting muddy,

My clothes were getting bloody,

I decided to wash all the blood off with my powerful garden hose.

UNCLE DALE'S TOENAILS AND BURGERS

I made me a burger, but it was a food fail,

When I bit into the meat I found a toenail, 

Couldn't tell from which creature,

Came the unsightly bod feature,

But, nearby were nail clippers, belonging to Dale.

62923

WASH AWAY MAN

I forded the river, but fell in the stream,
As I washed away I let out a scream,
My scream did not bring me luck,
I scraped through rocks, sticks and muck,
Still, I managed to stay pretty clean.

42221

THE CARN IN THE BARN IS MY YARN

Near an old caved-in farmhouse, there was a big, red barn,

What's kept in there, I'll tell you in this story, my yarn

It is white haired, and has six feet,

It loves the human meat to eat,

It won't touch plant food, because it is an evolved carn.13

THE EXTERMINATOR

I am a bedbug exterminator, and bedbugs is all I do,

I exterminate all your bedbugs, so your bugs quit biting on you,

I use a potent spray,

It makes them dead today,

The poison won't harm kids or pets, but it's deadly if you're an emu.  

GOLF IS THE SAND TRAP OF LIFE

Jimmy's ball was in the big sand trap; that is where Jimmy's ball was,

Jimmy punched his ball into the sand trap, when his eye caught some fuzz,

Jimmy really hated the golf game,

But, his boss loved it, so Jimmy came,

Jimmy wished that his boss loved bowling, because that's what Jimmy does.

LIFE OR DEATH IN THE MEAT SHOP

I went home from the meat store, but forgot to cull the outdated,

The next day, many customers found their bellies were ill fated,

It took a hospital machine,

To pump their guts completely clean,

I was fired the next day, and found out I was widely hated.

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN II

My time machine broke down back in Ancient Rome,
I met Nero Czar and he was a weird little gnome,
He'd sit out in his flower garden,
Passing gas and saying "pardon",
Then, he'd spout some idiotic poem.

42322
 

THE BIRD FEEDER LIMERICK

Little birds have a terrible food need,
So, I kept my bird feeder just full of seed,
But, the squirrels out there,
Robbed my feeder just bare,
Those squirrels are just full of greed.

112222

 

THE MICHIGANDER WHALE

All the big whales in Lake Michigan, have beached themselves on the shore,

They know we're desperate for their oil, they're loyalty, I adore,

Their meat won't be left to rot,

We'll cook it up in a pot,

Then we will sell it for cat food, in every Michigan store.

THE WHALER MAN

I am the great whaler man, all Lake Michigan whales fear,

The whales know I come for them with a long, whaler man spear,

I will stick them real good,

In their cold water hood,

I will give the world oil, for a keg of near beer.

WHY WE HUNT LAKE MICHIGAN WHALES

In order to afford eating steak burgers and greased chips,

Michiganders are taking jobs on modern whaling ships,

The massive Lake Michigan whales,

Have refineries in their tails,

Michigan whales store refined gas from their tails to their lips.

BAR FIGHTING ON MARS

I got into a fight at one of the bars,

That always happens, when bar hopping on Mars,

The martian body is like a solid rock,

It is hard to hurt them, while they clean your clock,

And a loss on Mars means human heads get jars.

HE STOLE MY TOKENS.

 I took all my electronic tokens, and put them in a jar,

I was saving electronic tokens to buy a brand new car,
When I looked early today,

My tokens had gone away,

Seems someone took my tokens, and traveled to a place that is far.

IN LIFE AND IN DEATH, BEDBUGS ARE CRUEL

I just found a giant, red bedbug, floating in my tea,

I am sure that ugly, giant bedbug was mocking me,

Because, real late last ight,

I got a bedbug bite,

And, I feel certain just as he died, he took a big pee.

GREEN IS NICE, BUT BUGS BITE

I went way out into the deep green woods, to give the untouched, rare fauna, hugs

As I then advanced I began to be annoyed, because of the creepy bugs,

Beneath the clothing, and out of sight,

The bugs be there, and be those that bite,

I was covered by carnivore bugs, who left a nibble for the worms and slugs.

THE MAN WITHOUT A GUMMY BEAR

I could not find my gummy bears, and I was such a brain fog mess, 

I was already late, and I was supposed to greet the princess,
Well, I got my time just completely wrong,

The princess left on a flight to Hong Kong,

I blamed it on lost gummy bears, other's blamed gummy bear excess.

MY LIFE AS A BRAIN EATING ZOMBIE HAIKU

Brain eating zombie,
Biter, ouch, headache, brains, brains,
Guy, baseball bat, ouch!!!

P211323

LOVE, TIME, RECKONING IMAGINED

You broke my heart, and you broke my brain,

Then you cut a fart, and hopped a plane,

Will I see you once again?

Will you buy me a nice din?

Will you be hobbled, and walk with cane?

YOYO, EDDY, THE CHAMBER AND ME.

I went into my chamber, because the chamber is where I go,

I played some chamber music, while I bounced my yellow, new yoyo

I played the music on an old LP,

I think the speed was like 33,

Later, I put down my yoyo, and read some Edgar Allen Poe.

I'M THE BATTER OF THE BALL SATELLITE

I hit a baseball with a ball bat,

The ball flew into space like a sat,

For a minute that night,

I watched my satellite,

It burned up in the sky, that was that.

72024

INVESTING

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my future it's grave.

92320

MY PET BAT PICKED BAD FRIENDS

My pet bat is loaded with lice,

He hangs out too much with field mice,

Having really bad friends,

Has led my bat to bad ends,

So, before making new friends he'll think twice.

9422
 

HOME EQUITY: IT PUTS GAS IN THE TANK

I drove my pickup truck to the gas station to put gas in my gas tank,

First, I had to get a bank loan, which was backed by the home of Uncle Hank,

High gas prices give me depression,

I have an unhappy confession,

My uncle will be losing his home, when I can't make payments to the bank.

32326

THE BEEF POEM

Beef is a prized and expensive thing,
When a customer buys, the butcher angels sing,
And, the cash register has a louder ring,
Beef is so expensive to the billfold it's a sting,
It's even replaced gold as one's favorite kind of bling,

Beef!

102421

I WAS SENT TO A DETENTION CENTER

My parents sent me to a detention center, also known as bedroom,18

They told me I must stay in the facility, until I learned how to groom,

They ordered I cut the hair growing from my ears,

Then, told me cut my nose hairs; that brought me to tears,

Nose hairs really make the man, that is the judgement of all my county peers.

THE GREAT TUNA GOD

The great, grand tuna god of elves, trolls and gnomes,

He is always reciting gross, fishy poems,

He likes poems about bass,

Because they rhyme with gut gas,

And, poems about dog fish with rabies, and mouth foams.

123123

TRINA AND THE HAIR DRYER SAGA

Trina used a big hair dryer to dry her runny nose,

She burnt up her nose hairs, the ashes fell upon her clothes,

Her fancy white blouse was stained black,

So, Trina slipped into her shack,

Trina changed to a clean blouse, and clipped in her hair, two bows.

61624

BEAST OF BURDEN: BEER UP THE REAR

I am a great beast of burden, they call me Ox,

I pull behind me a plain, wooden, big box,

Bar folk are sniffing up my rear,

The 18 barrels of fresh beer,

The boozers heckle me, I think they should all detox.

CORN KERNEL DAN LIVES AGAIN

Our hero, Kernel Dan got pooped out of a real sick chicken,

Then along came a gray, sneaky snake, and he was Dan lickin,

The big snakes digestion was mean,

But, Dan came through it feeling clean,

Dan passed to the snake a pathogen, and the snake did sicken.

THE LIFE CYCLES OF THE CORN KERNEL

Carol was a canned corn kernel, she lived in a bowl of soup,

After a big grisly bear ate her, she came out whole, in poop,

Carol missed her days in the can,

She missed her kernel boyfriend, Dan,

Dan was swallowed by a chicken, hen, and taken to a coup.

THE MICHIGAN OMNIVORE

In Michigan, for a meal to score,
You must become an omnivore,
With finances unkind,
You eat what you find,
On the dirt, the bush, or the floor.

WHO SHIFTED THE WINDOW? REWRITING THE HUMAN MIND

I went into politics, because I wanted to build a time machine,

I wanted to save my father, who died when I was just fifteen,

I knew only the power of government could yield,

The resources needed for a temporal field,

I recruited another young man to assist, but a paradox was unforseen.

THE PSYCHIC NASAL PROJECTILE

There is a brilliant, young, sentient being that spit out of Joe's nose,

It has fantastic psychic powers, it seems the future, it knows,

It says,"this booger is drying,

In booger terms, I am dying,"

Then says, "don't worry; Joe's nose has an infinite number of blows.

THE RED PLANET FROZEN BARS

So, methinks I was headed up to Mars,

But my spaceship fell back down and crushed cars,

I got a lawsuit,

From each crushed toot, toot,

Now I deliver to stores, ice cream bars.

91024

THE FALL OF THE HOUSE OF WOOLWORTHS

Every time a Woolworths Store closed, another city died,

I always went to Woolworths to get a coffee, and be pied.

In America The Beautiful, we put our hopes,and dreams,

But, down came the Woolworth stores, for real estate tax schemes,

Now we are lost in a world of psychotic themes,

Too late for blaming those who profited and lied,

Where do I go to get a coffee and be pied?

I CAME UPON A FOREST FROG

I came upon a green forest frog,
He barked just like a domestic dog,
He had a bad habit,
He liked to hunt rabbit,
When they bit him he ran under a log.

George the frog would hunt for bunny,
He wanted to get one and make some money,
He hunted with a gun,
But, it was no fun,O
George decided to hunt bees for their honey.

4122

TWIN PEAKS SPREAD IT TO HUNTER CAT

I wandered downstairs, and found some beautiful antiques,

They were loaded with mice, so there were plenty of eeks,

So, I called down my hunter, cat, 

He ate each mouse, right where it sat,

But, my cat got the rabies from a rat named, Twin Peaks.

KNEE KNOCKERS, BB BALLS AND GNOMES

My statues have some limitations; they stand only 2 feet tall,

When I knock them over, they break, then they are not statues at all,

I don't mind breaking garden gnomes,

Not crazy for their chromosomes,

Then my nephew destroys all the rest, firing his BB ball.

10123

DOOMSCROLLING AGAIN

We doomscrollers panic, as the whole world turns and burns,

Most people are just interested in social concerns,

Concerned with a coworkers passion for leather clothes,

Or, that cousin Judy got a fix job on her nose,

Soon, I'll join my family; the dead people in the urns.

THE ORGAN GRINDER

Jim the organ grinder, made tunes from his organ grinding pipes, 

He sold bananas on the street corner, two different types,

His noise brought customers in,

To select bananas, from his bin,

He divided his bananas into green ones, and the ripes.

61325

INVITE ME

When you have that party, on last Saturday, then why didn't you ask me?

I wouldn't had drank up all your alcohol, because all I drink is tea,

I sit sober on a couch or a chair,

Giving  guests a quick glance, and friendly stare,

I'm always the life of the party, and I bring finger snacks for free.

GREASE SHRAPNEL AND MY TATTERS

In the deep dish fry pan, my potatoes pop and sing, 

They spit grease shrapnel in my pretty face, and bee sting,

They smell so yummy,

To this old rummy,

All toasty gold, soon the taters swill be belly bling.

WHO BROUGHT THE GUILLOTINE TO THE PARTY

Where did my peasants get the guillotine? That answer, I really want to know,

I ordered them all destroyed, after I used them to deal with my worker foe,

The peasants will soon chop off my royal head,

Clean the brains out, and fill the inside with lead,

Then they will fire it out of a cannon; that thought fills me with dread and woe.