A LIMERICK FOR APRIL (THE MONTH)

After a winter that really stunk,
I find my yard is filled with junk,
With the leaves and twigs,
And butts from the cigs,
And the garbage that blew out of my trunk

BENNY HAD TO TAKE A PEA

Benny had to take a pea,

Out of a pea poddy

He needed the form,

Twas a pea corn born norm,

So he could bounce it off a tree.

A FOOL AND HIS CAR ON THIN ICE ARE SOON PARTED

I drove my car out on the ice to do some tip up fishing,

Then, I found out that safe ice was just some foolish wishing,

Under my tires there was a "crack, crack,"

Then, I knew the lake was about to attack,

And, down went my car,

But, it didn't sink too far,

For it landed on another car's back. 

THE RAINBOW AND THE HOSE HOLDER HAIKU

Rainbow, chase dreams, air,
Rainbow maker, all worship,
Sun, Hose holder rules,

SANDY MY PET PYTHON LIMERICK: SANDY GETS THE CHAIR

Sandy was my pet python snake,
She ate all my neighbors and oh, was that a mistake,
It was so hard to bare,
When Sandy went to the chair,
Sadly, I was alone at Sandy's neighborhood wake.

I WON'T FLY ON THAT AIRLINE AGAIN

I decided to go flying,

Didn't know I'd soon be dying,

When we hit a mountain spire,

The plane lit me on fire,

For mountain critters, my meat was frying.

MONDAY THE 13TH

Monday the 13th and I'm out of luck,

No sleep so, my work day is in muck,

I guzzled coffee and got wired,

So much so, I got fired,

And, my car got painted by 12 seagulls and a duck.

BIG BEN AND HIS TIME TRAVEL MACHINE

Big Ben had a time travel machine,
He went back to when earth was pristine,
The earth looked really good,
Where garbage dumps had once stood,
And, the air was so sweet and so clean.

Big Ben traveled back in time,
To where no one ever commited a crime,
He decided to stay,
A million years far away,
From the people that had created the slime.

CARL'S HOMEMADE SWEET & SOUR YEAST WINE

Carl's homemade wine tasted like vinegar,
So, he added sugar to the red beast,
It then tasted like really sweet vinegar,
So, Carl added four more packs of yeast,

Now, Carl raves about his red delight,
But, whenever people come over to dine,
They praise the cooking and that said,
Won't touch Carl's sweet & sour yeast tasting wine.  

ODE TO THE DEEP DARK WEB

Why not live on the deep dark web,
The deep dark web's for me,
Why not live on the deep dark web,
Where the media all comes free,

I use to pay for this and that,
Yeah, all those subscriber fees,
I ate Ramon noodles while the fat cats got fat,
I watched old TV while they watched new sleaze,

Now, I recommend the deep dark web,
You get great content without the billing,
The games, music, and shows on the deep dark web,
Are absolutely thrilling,

Well, things have changed an awful lot,
Since, I found the deep dark web,
It's like I've found a new formed Camelot,
While, my cash outflows have a major ebb.

JEFF WAS THE MASTER OF TELEPORTATION LIMERICK

Jeff was the master of teleportation,
He teleported from nation to nation,
He teleported to Mars,
And then to the stars,
But, he got sick from teleport radiation.

THE RESTAURANT DISHWAHSING SNAILS LIMERICK

Owning a restaurant was one of Joan's greatest wishes,

Now that she owns one she hates washing dishes,

On cleaning dishes she fails,

So, she picked up some snails,

The snails clean but, they leave behind gooey squishes.

 

WHAT'S IN THE STEW?

Margaret, Margaret what's in the stew?
I ate here on Tuesday and came down with the flu,
I use to think no stew finer,
Than the stew at your diner,
But, the last day I ate here I rue.

MY GIRLFRIEND CLEANED MY HOUSE

I had a girlfriend for a very short time,
When she cleaned my house her bad words didn't rhyme,
The porcelains were not white,
Carpet stains from party night,
And the appliances incubated green slime.

PET PIG BACON AND SAGE SPRIG SAUSAGE LIMERICK

Gretta had a pot bellied pig,

Dan's peanuts it decided to dig,

Because Dan's food had been taken,

Dan made the pig into bacon,

And, some sausage with a leafy sage sprig.

I CHEF

My sweet & sour chicken was more salty than sweet,

But, it was so very sour that one would wince when one would eat, 

And, so clammy was my clam chowder,

Made so with excessive baking powder,

Of course, my cheese stuffed mushrooms were compared to smelly feet.

TUCKER GOT A COVID SHOT TO HELP HIM PLAY B-BALL

On the b-ball court Tucker was truly, not tall,

Then, he got a shot and big went his ball,

But, his coordinates were poor,

His ball flew out the door,

And, went bouncing to the end of the hall.

NAUGHTY, NASTY CARP

There once was an angry carp,

He wrote profanities on my boat tarp,

And, when I asked him to stop, please,

He drew naked pictures; what a sleaze,

Then he sang dirty ditties as he played his harp.

DOUGLAS HAD AN OLD VCR

Douglas had an old VCR,
But, he couldn't find anything to play in it,
They no longer put movies on those old wind up tapes,
Instead, they use DVD’s and just spin it.

GRANDMA SUE

There was a grandma named Sue,
She loved to dress-up in blue,
Her hair was bright red,
And, she was well fed,
Sue was kind to all that she knew.

Sue was a grandma who worked really hard,
She kept her house clean and fixed up her yard,
When the kids came around,
She'd get down on the ground,
She was fun and oh what a card.

I DREAM OF QUEENIE

I dream of Queenie, my little pup when I was four,

She'd eat a plate of tortellini then, go poopy outside the door,

Queenie ate little as a small pup,

But, she got big and ate a big sup,

So, dad the meany said no more Queenie and gave away my labrador.

WHAT LIES WITH THE LEECH?

I am such a dedicated teach,

I took my laptop and my work to the beach,

Then, the tide came straight in,

And, my laptop could not swim,

Now, it lies in the lake with the leech.

MY LIMERICKS HAVE BEEN BANNED

I wrote a limerick in the beach's pretty sand,

It didn't sound too good cause the limerick was not planned,

Then, the waves from the sea,

Erased the limerick wrote by me,

I guess on the beach my limericks must be banned.

NATASHA THE SUNFISH AND HER CELLPHONE

Natasha the sunfish was on her cellphone all day,
Yet, the cellphone din't work when deep in the bay,
 But, way up on the beach,
The cell signal did reach,
So, on the beach Natasha decided to stay.

THE FISH FURNITURE POEM

I make furniture from fish I catch out in the bay,

I make fish into end tables for my dollhouse made of clay,

I make fish into sofas, 

I make fish into chairs,

I make fish into bedroom sets,

For my dollhouse's upstairs,

If you're asking how I do it then, imagination you must lack,

I use some glue and scissors and lots of fast drying shellac.

DING DING AND THE SUPER STRING THEORY OF EVERYTHING

I thought I'd test out a string theory,

But, I have no super collider to aid my querry,

So, I got me some string,

From my kitty, Ding Ding,

My methods make my peers rather weary.

A ROBIN NAMED POKE

There was a robin named Mr. Poke,
He could not find worms and was a joke,
Poor Pokey could not see,
The rattlesnake named Bea,
Bea washed down Mr. Poke with a coke.

MY POLYMERS AND ME

I have polymers in my curtains,

I have polymers in my cloths,

I have polymers in my automobile,

And, doctors force polymers up my nose,

I have polymers in my dishes,

I have polymers where I eat,

I use polymers to clean my fishes,

I have polymers on my feet,

I think polymers came from a spacecraft,

From deep, dark outer space,

For on some polymer planet,

There lives a polymer race,

So, I think we've been invaded,

By polymer people from afar,

They seek conformity to the polymers,

Around every fusion driven star.

THE ITCHY BED BUGS

I laid on my bed and started to itch,
The bugs in it started to crawl and to twitch,
I got out some spray,
To drive them away,
Alas, the bed I had to burn in the ditch.

TAX THE POOR GUY (ME) LIMERICK

My taxes can never be paid,
So, I expect a government raid,
I don't have any money,
Just a bear jar full of honey,
And, a quilt that was one that I made.

BLINK

I had a rat living under my sink,

He ate bleach, he died, now he stink,

So I sprayed some air spray,

And the stink went away,

But the spray burned my eyes, blink, blink, blink.😣

BUBBLE WRAP WENT

The little bubble wrap went Snap! Snap! Snap!

The big bubble wrap went Bap! Bap! Bap!

The paper filler went Rip! Rip!

Out fell the packing slip,

And Ben saw that he was shorted, so he went and took a crap.

UNHEALTHY LIVING LIMERICK II

Jean ate pancakes all soaking with grease,
Although, she knew that she'd soon "Rest In Peace,"
She still scooped-up the lard,
And, ignored the health bard,
For life is always just a tenuous lease.

THE BAD, BAD SQUIRRELS

The squirrels ate all the snow monkeys now, the snow monkeys are gone,

They use to sing in harmony at the first frilled lights of dawn,

Now, there are just the squirrels to scream and mutter,

As they make their acorn butter,

And, they gnaw on nearby roadkill which, was just a little fawn.

MY ZOMBIE GIRL

I love my zombie girl so much
I know I must be mad,
But, when my zombie girl is out of touch,
My heart just feels so sad.

I love my zombie girl so much,
I know she does real bad,
But, I love my zombie girl so much,
When I’m with her I am so glad.

I love my zombie girl I do,
I love her if its day or night,
I love my zombie girl I do,
Even when she goes out for a bite,

I love my zombie girl’s big heart,
Even though it does not beat at all,
I understood from the very start,
Eating brains is just nature’s call.

My zombie girl and I are in love,
It won’t be long until we are wed,
Blessed by hell or by heaven above,
We’re the family of the living dead.

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

PETER PIG WAS TAINTED, AND PORCELAIN BOWLS GOT PAINTED

Peter Pig was ground into sample sausages, down the street at Vinny's Store,

The customers sampled Peter Pig, until Peter was no more,

The samples caused symptoms like the flu,

Vinny's customers threatened to sue,

Most had underwear accidents, before making it out the door.

SIMON WAS A GIANT CRAWDAD

Simon was a giant crawdad,
He ate dead fish and smelled real bad,
He brushed twice a day,
And used mouthwash they say,
He still had no friends and felt sad.

THE FAVORITE FOOD OF DRAGONS

The favorite food of dragons,

Is takeout food that is real dear,

For the food comes from a magic kingdom,

The food is called a mouseketeer.

RUTH THE TOOTHLESS AND SMELLY BEAVER

There once was a beaver named Ruth,
She did not have even one tooth,
With a sharp ax and a breeze,
She knocked down the trees,
She was fastest and that's the truth.

Ruth the beaver was so full of bad gas,
Everyone ran when she started to pass,
You couldn't help to think,
She made a big stink,
Then, she laughed showing she had no class.

BILL RAISES HIS OWN FISHING BAIT LIMERICK AND POEM

Bill found worms between all of his toes,
How they got there nobody knows,
Bill takes a hot shower,
Once each year for an hour,
Then, he trims the hairs hanging down from his nose.

Bill sighted worms down between all of his toes,
He saved them for bait when fishing he goes,
He liked to raise larvae within his large nose,
He'll have plenty of bait when fishing he goes.

BUGZY BERNARD MOWED HIS LAWN

Bugzy Bernard mowed his entire lawn,
He mowed till all the dandelions were gone,
He made dandelion wine,
It tasted just fine,
But, he had a bellyache from supper till dawn.

GREENING UP THE GRASS LIMERICK

I just love to green up my grass,
I won't let an opportunity pass,
So, I doubled up on the fert,
Burned my lawn down to dirt,
Now my yard looks lacking in class.

MY NUBS AND THE THREE BEARS

Along came two cutie bear cubs,

They were so cute I gave them intense belly rubs,

Then along came their maw,

She gave me her claw,

The three bears chewed me down to my nubs. 

BEARS

Bears are coming out of their hibernation,

Looking for tourists with a Michigan destination,

And those bears like to eat,

All the fresh tourist meat,

Chugging swamp water for their libation.

I CAME UPON A FOREST FROG

I came upon a green forest frog,
He barked just like a domestic dog,
He had a bad habit,
He liked to hunt rabbit,
When they bit him he ran under a log.

George the frog would hunt for bunny,
He wanted to get one and make some money,
He hunted with a gun,
But, it was no fun,
George decided to hunt bees for their honey.

MY PLACE ON MARS

I got many scars while I was on mars because, I got into a brawl,

I got my scars while hoping bars with a Martian ten feet tall,

We were best pals til we met some gals then, the bartender yelled "last call,"

Then, the martian suddenly beat me until I could no longer creep or crawl,

I really like my martian friend but, I wish he would grow up,

I think I'll stay in my room for now, watching cable while I sup. 

 

REALITY, REALITY, REALITY

We spend all our lives growing big meat bags,

To feed worms and microbes in the earth,

That is nature's only need for us,

So why do we act like we should be a fuss?

We so overestimate our true worth.

IF YOU WANT TO GO FISHING THERE IS NO GAIN WITHOUT PAIN

If you want to go fishing there is no gain without pain,
To get the big worms you must go out in the rain,
So, in the rain I took hikes,
Survived two lightning strikes,
But, the second strike cooked half of my brain.

THERE WAS AN OILMAN NAMED SCOOTER

There was an oilman named Scooter,
He was just the biggest polluter,
He dumped oil in the sea,
To make it life free,
And, he raised prices for the commuter.

I WENT TO THE BANK TO DRAW OUT SOME MONEY

I went to the bank to draw out some money,
An elderly lady cashier said, "You can't have it now, honey,
For the bank is deep in arrears,
And, the owners took off it appears,
They retired, those sweet dears,

No doubt living someplace sunny."

Oh Crap, A Dirt Nap

Pining for a new companion,

Overseas I took a fly,

Rammed a mountain; fell into a canyon,

No one but I, didn't burn and die,

Hugs I had upon my rescue,

Universal healthcare had not I,

Beneath the dirt I now feed red fescue,

Rules:  I had no healthcare so, I die.

BEEF ROAST WITH SQUIRMING RICE

My beef roast was loaded with squirming rice with eyes,

Finding rice in my roast was quite a surprise,

I queried how they got there?

And, the answer grayed my black hair,

It seems they were laid there by swarming black flies.  

WEED AND BOOKS LOST BECAUSE OF LOOKS

Because he did not like my looks,

Florida's Gov. took away my books,

He confiscated my weed,

I have nothing to read,

The Gov. and his lackeys are snooks .

THE SNIFFLES

I sniffle here, I sniffle there,

I sniffle on my reclining chair, 

I sniffle all day long at work,

And, my sniffles give my boss an irk,

I sniffle when I cut my lawn,

I sniffle from the dusk to dawn,

But, when I don't sniffle I get a runny nose,

Then, I must contend with real wet clothes.

  

DRAGNET FOR MY FISHING POLE

I walked out on the dock and what did I pass?

A giant, a record, an enormous rock bass,

But, my pole was at the cabin, not out on the dock,

I took it to the cabin when I listened to Bach,

So, I ran back to the cabin to look for my pole,

I looked under the chairs and in every floor hole,

But, my fishing pole was not to be found,

I remembered I left it somewhere on the ground,

Alas, I sent the kids out in a fish pole dragnet,

And, one of them found it so expectations were met,

Then, another found my worms so; I knew I was set,

Next, I ran out on the dock to see if my bass was there yet,

Then, just as I saw that big rock bass in the bay,

He heard my running vibrations and swam fast away,

So, I fished off the dock for the rest of the day,

While, minnows tugged on my worm, trying to bait me to play. 

NO SLEEP HAIKU

No sleep, mind tired,
Got up early, stayed up late,
Work. America.

A SNOWMAN GAVE ME A DIRTY LOOK

A snowman gave a dirty look right at me,
I tried to ignore him but he wouldn’t let it be,
I asked him to stop,
Then I flagged down a cop,
I’ve been arrested while the snowman is free.

On New Years a snowman gave me a look,
It was offensive is the notion I took,
I had such a desire,
To set the snowman on fire,
I used up every match in my book.

SNOW VS SUNBEAMS

Snowflakes burn, acid,
Sunbeams warm, kind, love, life, dreams,
Snow, white dirt over graves.

MY EXPENSIVE FOUR WHEEL DRIVE TRUCK LIMERICK

My four wheeled drive truck had all four wheels on ice,
I spun round and round seeing the grim reaper thrice,
I said a quick prayer,
As I wept with despair,
My trucks performance did not match its price.