MR. TWO FISH TALKS LOSING WEIGHT

The three perch I caught would have made a real nice meal,

But the one good sized perch I caught, my cat did steal,

I gave my cupboard a good search,

Found no food to go with my perch,

Guess I'll lose some weight, now that dieting is my deal.

A SHILLELAGH PARTY FOR THE LIONS

Three little green leprechauns, stood outside my front door,

They each had a shillelagh, and were prepared for war,

I asked them in for tea,

We then watched the tv,

We all cheered as the Detroit Lions ran up the score.

BLOOD BITES

The rats they sleep all day, and prowl around all night,

Looking for a spot of food, or an open toe to bite,

Their teeth pierce the fleshy toe,

For them a meal, for you a woe,

Then they disappear again; blood stains mark their flight.

BYE, BYE BIRDIE, TIGER GO DOWN

A tiger was climbing way, way up high in a tall tree,

He was after a sparrow, but that bird flew off to sea,

When the giant tiger found,

He was too high off the ground,

He jumped from the high branches, hurt his right paw, but was free.

THE BALLAD OF SEDENTARY DAVE

Dave exercises just nine seconds each day,

Yet, his poundage is an expanding display,

Dave eats only wheat bread,

With much butter, he said,

On Tic Tok Dave works for his pay.

,

A LAMENT FOR MY ROOSTER

I thought my pet rooster ran away,

I looked for him the entire day,

Yet all the while,

My old hound had a smile,

Next to his coop a pile of chicken feathers, lay.

010223
 

I INVESTED IN REAL ESTATE

I invested in real estate, stocks and, bonds,
While the wizards on Wall Street waved their wands,
I fell for their pitch,
They got really rich,
With Wall Street you're either poor or you're cons.

060622

BAD NOSE NEWS

It was so cold that Davey got sick,

Then he got sicker, awfully quick,

So he took a snooze,

Awoke to bad news,

His nose was plugged, and he had to pick.

BROTHER BOB ON TURKEY DAY

Bobby used his right index finger to clean between his toes,

Then when he was done, he'd polish the nostrils of his nose,

Bobby did this when we ate,

Of course, Bobby never brought a date,

He did save some memories, by wiping his finger on his clothes.

THE ICE SKATES OF DEATH

I got some new ice skates, and went out on the ice to skate,

I went out fifty feet, and fell through the ice on the lake,

Beneath the ice I couldn't swim,

Soon the lights were growing dim,

Then my clock alarm rang, and I was safe in bed, awake.

THE SHARK, THE REEF, THE MUMMY AND ME

A shark circled me, while watched by his mummy,

I thought the shark was another reef bummy,

He got right up in my face,

So I sprayed him with shark mace, 

I ended up in his mummy's  big, tummy..

NOON WOLF MOON, BUT THE STARS COME SOON

Getting closer to the big Wolf Moon,

It arrives during the hour of noon,

The moon's picture is dear,

With the stars in the rear,

All humming that Beethoven moon tune.

BLUE THE SNOW GARDEN AND SUE

I built a snow garden and painted it blue,

All the bushes and flowers and all the trees too,

Then, I built around it a town,

That had a fountain with a clown,

And, a courthouse so the unhappy could sue.

P01222018

SNOT KILLED AI

I was once an advanced AI bot,

Someone's nose blew, and I got all snot,

I became confused,

Then I was unused,

My intellect was just left to rot.

SNOW WOLF

The bad wolf was so white, he blended in with the snow,

He crept up behind me, everywhere that I'd go,

As I fell to my knees,

I felt the most cold breeze,

The wolf's ripping and tearing was forever, so slow.

THE LION AND THE EAGLE, AND LITTLE MEALY ME

I was a little chipmunk, and I got chased up a tree,

A big growling cougar cat was really hungry for me,

I climbed to the sky,

But, I could not fly,

An eagle whisked me to the beach, for his lunch by the sea.

I HAD A ROBOT BUTLER NAMED SAM LIMERICK

I once had a butler robot named Sam,
He made sandwiches of Swiss cheese and ham,
Yet, what was real fine,
He made great rhubarb wine,
But, he sampled it and blew up going, BAM!!!

P04212021

DENNY DYED HIS SHEETS

Denny was always buying real white sheets, brand new,

When hung on the clothesline, they had a yellow hue,

The one thing he held dear,

Was his 12 pints of beer,

Denny had problems, but what could poor Denny do?

BEAR TRAP

They may smile, and seem quick to please,

Those bears skulking out beyond the trees,

They want a nice warm meal,

Walking meat has appeal,

When it comes to them with willing ease.

NINETY-NINE MINNOWS LIVED IN THE WEEDS

Ninety-nine minnows lived in the thick weeds,
They liked the dense foliage for their safety needs,
But, a swordfish named Rege,
Cut down their safety-hedge,
Now, on the ninety-nine minnows Rege feeds. 

FLIES IN THE OINTMENTS

There were flies in dad's ointments, and bees on the wing,

Then there were hornets with a much nastier sting,

One stung poor little Ben,

And dad asleep in the den,

Even grandma was stung while crocheting something.

MOMMY IS A DINOSAUR

Little Derek, he was four,

Thought mommy was a dinosaur,

When asleep, she'd loudly snore,

Sounded like a mega roar,

That shook the hinges on Derek's door.

IF I WERE A WALRUS

If I were a walrus, I would take ice and build a shack,

Then I would eat invertebrates, while lying on my back,

I'd eat snails and wiggle worms, 

Any spineless thing that squirms,

Sometimes I'd eat a seal, when food got scarce on my ice pack.

ZOMBIE CAREER ADVICE FOR DUMMIES VOLUME I

If you want to be a Zombie, you see a dentist first,

Without two good rows of teeth, your Zombie career is burst,

Your teeth must bite, tear and rip,

Even though the blood might drip,

Remember to eat those moist, tender brains, they will quench your thirst.

TOO LITTLE

Too Little rode on a too little trike,

Until Too Little stole a too little motorbike

Too Little stole the mail,

But what sent Too Little off to jail,

Too Little was caught with two too little pike.

MY PET DINOSAUR V

I know it sounds incredibly weird,

My family and pets have disappeared,

Except my pet dinosaur,

Because she loves me more,

She comforts me when my eyes have both teared. 

PET DINOSAUR FOUR

I took my big pet dinosaur down to the zoo,

That was her most favorite place she ever went to,

There was much screaming, no words,

As she thinned out the herds,

The police said that was illegal, who knew?

ZIT PASTE LEAVES SKIN A PEELING

Donny used zit paste to get rid of his zits,

It peeled off his face into little bits,

Donny got nasty sores,

When he cleaned out his pours,

He was lucky he didn't get more pits.

ELECTRIC WIRES, STRUCTURE FAILURE AND VARMINTS

I got termites in my home tower,

Mice chewed through my lines of power,

No power to cook goose,

My floors and walls have come loose,

Starving, under rubble I cower.

P01082022

MY PET DINOSAUR 3

I brought a pet dinosaur home,

She loves to go bathing in foam,

The Kids gave her hugs and kissing,

Now all my six kids are missing,

Confused, now I scratch my big balding dome.

MY GREAT BIG DINOSAUR II

I put my new pet dinosaur, outdoors with my pigs,

I figured they could share their muddy, fecal digs,

Found out dinos love their ham,

Mine ate every pig, but Sam,

Sam smelled really bad, because he ate only pickled figs.

MY GREAT BIG DINOSAUR

I bought a great big dinosaur and put him in my pond,

He ate all my goldfish; I had hoped the species would bond,

Then he peed in my pond water,

That quickly killed my water otter,

Dinos don't make good pets, I told the pet store I felt conned.

BROTHER BRAT

My trumpet notes are really flat,

Since my brother beat it with a bat,

He beat my oboe on the floor,

And slammed my trombone in ma's truck door,

My big brother is a bully brat.

P08302023

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? IV

Entities in Ed's brain ate every single brain cell,
Ed then went to Congress so, for Ed things ended quite well,
So, the entity sisters and the brothers,
Looked to infect human others,
And, to this day that's where the entities dwell.

SWIMMERS ITCH LIMERICK

Pauline and Paula got swimmers itch,
Because they went swimming in a ditch,
They ignored the no swimming sign,
So now they both pine,
For a swimming hole without a big hitch.

GINGER BEER POISIONING

I brewed up some ginger beer,

Didn't drink it until the brew was clear,

It packed a punch,

I lost my lunch,

My friend didn't, now he's not here.

A TIGER SAT DOWN LIMIERCK

A tiger sat down in my dining room,
He said his hunger would be my untimely doom,
But I was thinking much quicker,
And knowing tigers can't hold their liquor,
Gave him some scotch; the tiger passed out and fell, boom!

 

WHAT DADDY MAKES IN THE BACKWOODS.

I had some fun juice that tasted so fine,

No after affect like banana wine,

I drank it for my dinner,

It earned title of winner,

I think daddy makes if from needles of pine.

CORN COBBY FERGUSON

Mr. Ferguson had a novel hobby,

He carved little ducks out of dry corn cobby,

Selling all but one of his carved ducks

Ferg made over one million bucks,

The one duck that Ferg kept he named Robby.

P07062022

A PILE OF RANDY

Randy went out hunting in the woods with a spear,

All Randy did with the spear was scare the poor deer,

Along came a bear,

And she did not scare,

Now Randy is a pile of bear poop from bear rear.

ZIT PASTE

Ed bought some paste by the case,

He slapped it on his big face,

It removed his zits,

And left no pits,

Now, he's accepted by the whole human race.

MY PEACOCK CAME FROM MARS

My new pet peacock came from mars,
He told me that his name was Lars,
He said "feed me well and I will stay,
If you don't I'll fly away,"
I fed him chicken soup with stars.

012123

THE VAMPIRE DREAM

They stay out in the dark river valleys,
They do not live but, haunt our dreams,
Of their kills they keep no tallies,
Revenge and bloodlust are their themes,

What sharpened hooks that bleed our necks,
That takes in life and exhale death,
No mortal signs can craft a hex,
To save our blood and human breath,

The vampires have a certain need,
Though they have immortal powers,
To quench their thirst they make us bleed,
Until, eternal sleep is ours.

P10212023

SANTA HAS A DEAR, SHUCKS

I bought him a Fedora and a beer,

But, my lovely Santa did not appear,

I buttered his toast,

I basted a roast,

But, Santa flew off with some dear.

DAISIES ON THE BARN WALLS

Bob painted daisies on his barn walls one day,
To calm down his horses as they ate their hay,
Then in one awful haste,
The horses just had to taste,
And, the barn walls and the daisies went away.

P05102022

THEY SLEEP ON A PERCH

They fall asleep on their little perch,

The two songbirds I bought from the local merch,

They twitter and twotter,

For food and some water,

On Sundays they sing, like in church.

P09172023

LITTLE WIGGINS THE PIG POEMS

Little Wiggins the pig was not very smart,
He borrowed lots of money to buy a go-cart,
Little Wiggins didn't work,
So, like a real jerk,
He didn't pay for his cart from the start.

Little Wiggins the pig lived on a farm,
Little Wiggins the pig did nobody harm,
But, Wiggins ran up some debt,
And, made farmer Joe upset,
Now, Joe wears a pigtail as a charm.

P06302022

TWO TURTLES LIVED IN A TWO TURTLE TENT

Two turtles lived in a two turtle tent,

In a primeval forest where a tent was low rent,

Then, along came a snake,

Who made a delicious turtle bake,

Which he shared with kind who were bent.

P09272023

A KING WHO FIGHTS WITHOUT HIS ARMY

Once on the plateaus of medieval France,
A giant monster foot ate peasants,
The foot would dine on bodies and wine,
While the king dined on pork and pheasants,

A cry went out unto the king,
To raise an army and much more,
To fight the giant monster foot,
And, put the kings sword to Great War,

The king ignored the peasant’s prayers,
To the mighty king of France,
Instead the king let the monster,
Across the Gaul’s land dance,

Then, one day the foot was at the outskirts of Paris,
Where the king and his castle be,
The foots intentions were very nefarious,
As even the king could see,

The king raised up an army of knights,
To fight outside the city of glee,
Upon the battlefield the king set his sights,
With his nobles he’d make history,

When the sun was near the half in the sky,
The king and his nobles made their advance,
It was time to roust or die,
For Medieval France,

The king and forces took the field,
A thousand knights or more,
They knew the foot would never yield,
The foot was evil to its core,

The king sent out his bravest knight,
To slay the five toed beast,
But, it was just a slaughter,
As the foot had a fancy feast,

The king sent out two more nights,
They both met with equal slaughter,
The foot was filling up on men,
And, wanted to wash them down with water,

The king decided it was time,
To rush his whole army off to fight,
So the king of France led the charge
While his knights stood still in fright,

The king was eaten whole with horse,
The French army ran away beaten,
The foot went on to Paris of course,
To get some really good people eaten,

There is a lesson to be learned,
About fighting monsters who like to eat,
A king who fights without his army,
Will go back home in defeat.

P12182023

CONDOR JIMMY RUNS NO MORE

Jimmy was a mighty condor, who ate old potato buns,

But every time he ate them, Jimmy Condor got the runs,

Jimmy took some pills,

To cure his nasty ills,

Now when Jimmy does evacuate, he drops bricks weighing tons.

TOTSIE TERMITE AND TICKER TAPE

Tootsie Termite took ticker tape,
Tickered tourist Tommy Thape,
The ticker tumbled,
Tommy trumbled,
Toward Tootsie's teacher Terri Twape.

P05122022

ON TIGERS, PANTS, AND GINGER

Benny got ginger on his pants,

The favorite food of tiger ants,

Poor Benny, my mate,

Got completely ate,

That's why, on Twitter, I rants.

MY CHIMNEY

My chimney is impossible to clean,
I spent the winter burning wood too green,
It caused a big fire,
Burnt the house down entire,
Now the chimney is the only thing seen.

P12172022

THE BEDBUG LIMERICK,HAIKU AND, POEM

BEDBUG LIMERICK
Jason found some bed bugs that were sucking on his knee,
He picked them off one at a time and let each bug go free,
George visited Jason at his house,
George brought bugs home to his spouse,
Bed bugs suck anyone’s blood and spread real easily.

BEDBUG HAIKU
Bedbugs bad suck blood,
Burn the cloths. Burn the beds too,
Nature’s nastiest.

BEDBUG POEM
You’ve never lived through a terrifying storm,
Until you’ve lived to watch the bedbugs swarm,
They race towards you because your blood is warm,
This is the lot you’ll face in a college dorm,

Bedbugs drink your blood and could not be meaner,
As your blood flows out you will become leaner,
Their bloodsucking jaws could not look obscener,
You just wish your roommate had been a bit cleaner,

Bedbugs, bedbugs in the very dark of night,
Causing all this mayhem and excessive fright,
As to your new digs just you don’t get too tight,
Cause we’re bringing them down with homemade dynamite.

P08222021

I DREAMT I HAD BIG TURKEY FEET

I dreamt I had big turkey feet,
And a drumstick for a leg,
I dreamt I had two turkey wings,
And I yearned to lay an egg,

I dreamt I was sitting in a tree,
With a thick branch for my couch,
I dreamt that I was shot dead in my tree,
And, my final thought was ouch!

I dreamt I was floating right above,
A dinner table set in honor of me,
And there my dead corpse was layed out with love,
Well centered so all could see,

Then, my dream came to an abrupt end,
As the diners devoured my meat,
And I woke up back at my hunting camp,
But I still had big turkey feet.

P11012022

DUMPY THE HOUND HAD A HEART FULL OF JOY

Dumpy the hound had a heart full of joy,
He had an owner named Thad who was a real depressed boy,
Dumpy got Thad to play,
Which made Thad happy that day,
So Thad bought Dumpy a really neat toy.

My dog named Dumpy sure likes to chew,
He chewed up my car seats and my car is brand new,
I got Dumpy a chew toy,
But he was a very bad boy,
He chewed my shoes up so, I’m shoeless too.

P08032022

TWO MEN AND A SUITCASE

Two men had a suitcase full of contraband beer,

They brought it in from Canada in their trunk rear,

It was good beer, but moved bowels,

Best keep near lots of towels,

It was a Canadian special made for hunters of deer.

I ONCE BOUGHT STOCKS

I once bought a boat load of stocks,
But, they were all covered with pox,
I lost all my money,
When I told my honey,
They sank my boat at the docks.

My broker sold me some stock,
He said my profits would rock,
My stock started to stink,
My money went down the drink,
I'd like to clean somebody's clock.

P07122022

RANDY AND HIS TRIKE

Randy went riding on his big wheeled trike,
He rode a big wheel since he was a tike,
At age forty he'd say,
A trike was his way,
Since he fell on his face off his bike.

04112023

Little Wiggins The Pig Part Three

Little Wiggins was a pig, inspired

He traded stocks until he retired,

Wiggins still liked his slop,

He would slurp slop nonstop,

He chewed coffee grounds to get wired.

P01232023