I SAW A NO.HAIR BEAR

When I was little, I saw a bear,

He was full of stuffing and had no hair,

He slept with me in bed,

Up by my baby head,

So all the wild monsters, he would scare.

STUPID LIMERICKS, APRIL FOOL'S

There once was a fool named April May,

A first cousin to Monday Tuesday,

They would together ice skate,

Until they each found a mate,

Two bothers called Wednesday and Thursday.

4124

THE PEEP CREEPS ARE COMING

The thing about the marshmallow peeps,

When I'm shopping them, I shop for keeps,

The day that comes after Sunday,

Is the day they call Monday,

When they mark down the peeps for us creeps.

EATING OUT CHEAP

I went to a real cheap restaurant, and it was all you could eat,

You had to wash your own dishes, and wipe down your table and seat,

They served macaroni and rice,

Very stale white bread, a thin slice,

They had a white sausage gravy, but it smelled like my sister's feet.

MY CHEESE EATING BUNNY

I have a cute bunny rabbit that only eats real cheddar cheese,

The bun barges into the fridge and takes it, never saying please,

I am a total mute,

Because bunny is cute,

I will never criticise bunny, because bunny is the bees knees.

EASTER BUNNY RABBIT FRAUD

The Easter Bunny was nasty, and left me just plastic eggs,

Those hard, plastic knock-offs, were never between a chickens legs,

The candy left in the eggs seemed real mean,

Leftover candy corn from Halloween?

What did  Bun do with the Easter funds, that's what the question begs?

3312024

DON'T EAT THE PRETTY THINGS

As I walked to the store, I picked a pretty flower,

I chewed it in my mouth, and it tasted very sour,

Someone said, "should have left it be,

You just tasted new doggy pee",

I hurried home and rinsed my mouth out for an hour.

33124

THE STAR FROM THE STICKS

Benny went to Livonia to star in some flicks,

Romantic comedies, but they only had hicks,

His backwoods simple ways,

Along with stupid gaze,

Made Benny a superstar; a star from the sticks.

I WAS A CESSPOOL DIVER; NOT AN OLYMPIC SPORT

I went diving in a nasty cesspool, desperate to come clean,

It made my face all pucker up, so I used mamas Maybelline,

The cess got in my beautiful hair,

That's why my hair is no longer there,

I'll not enter a cesspool again, except in a submarine.

I EATS CANDY WHILE I CAN

The bunny brings lots of candy in his basket, that rots teeth,

That's why you will never see a smile, from my uncle Keith,

I really do not care,

Cavities I will dare,

I will eat my candy before the dirt, I am underneath.

THE WILL OF THE MOUSE

The mouse was stuck on the old glue trap,

He squeaked and squeaked and said, "Drat, Drat,"

But, his will kept him yanking,

And, his little feet cranking,

He freed himself, but was ate by the cat.

111321

DADDY SELLS MEDICAL SUPPLIES III (NON ORGAN DONOR MARKET)

Daddy goes out on the street, very late at night,

Looking for used body parts, when supplies are tight,

When old organs fail,

Daddy finds some for sale,

Guaranteed to fit the wealthy client, just right.

A CANDY BASKET FIT FOR KINGS AND QUEENS

I got a basket full of chocolate eggs, marshmallow peeps and jelly beans,

I've never seen so much candy, it was like a basket for kings and queens,

It came from a nice bunny,

I think his name was Sonny,

He was wearing big bib overhauls, because he was way too fat for jeans.

33024

WHEN I WAS A DRIVER'S TRAINEE

I was a driver's trainee,

When it was pour down rainy,

I hit the brake,

Slid, hit the lake,

After going through the fence called chainy.

71121

THE BUG SLURPER

Leonardo the squirrel, ate bugs, never nuts,

Leo didn't like the chewing, he'd rather slurp guts,

And the tastiest slurps,

Came from bugs that had chirps,

Leo avoided bugs that had bad smelling butts.

32924

RANDY HAD BRANDY

There once was a sweet rabbit named Randy,

He delivered baskets full of candy,

Randy hopped into a lion,

Randy took off home, just flyin',

That night he had a nightcap of Brandy.

MUDPUPPY AND THE BASS

There was a mudpuppy that got stuck in the mud,

She struggled real hard, but was stuck deep in the crud,

A hero did pass,

It was a rock bass,

The bass freed the pup and they ate worms and a sud.

32924

RON THE MASTODON

With my bestest friends, Bill and Dave,

We went exploring in a cave,

We found a Mastodon,

We named him Ron,

He was bones, it was his grave.

32924

IDES ARE BORING, I'M MOVING TO GRAWN

The Ides of March have come and gone,

Old Caesar's curse has been a yawn,

Maybe next year,

The earth won't be here,

Or, maybe I'll retire to Grawn.

THE RABBIT AND THE BEAR

The rabbit with the candy basket, was being chased by the bear,

The poor rabbit had candy falling from the basket, everywhere,

The bear was gaining fast,

The rabbit would not last,

The bear would get the candy, and the meat under the rabbit hair.

32824

FROM EASTER BUNNIES TO BEES

There were two little white bunnies, and they each ate too much tasty cheese,

They could not go to the bathroom, and felt a real general unease,

To make their bowels quicken,

They ate some tainted chicken,

Their bodies I used to feed my flowers, and the flowers feed the bees.

32824

THE HAPPY EASTER BUNNIES

Bunnies were doing their business, right outside my screen door,

One thing that's true about bunnies, they are always making more,

The bunnies and me,

Let each other be,

Except the ones that are roadkill, become my main winter store.

MY SPACE/TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN LIMERICK

My time/space machine just broke right down,
I spilled my beer and the darn thing shorted queen's royal crown,
It will  just not start,
It won’t blink or spit a fart,
I guess I’m stuck in this miserable earthling smelling town.

91017

PETER THE PASTA POET

Peter was a rare pasta poet,
He rhymed linguini and did not know it,
He once rhymed spaghetti,
With a monster called Yeti,
But, with an audience he would blow it.

Write poetry about pasta and have it rhyme,
Peter tried but he failed almost every time,
He rearranged his words,
Messed up his verbs,

Pasta poetry didn't make him a dime.  

32724

BIG FISH ON A SPINNER RIG

I caught a fish that was so big,

On a nightcrawler-spinner rig,

"It was the biggest fish ever," cried every voter,

That's why I cleaned it using my boat motor,

So, the big fish I caught with a spinner,

Was so big I invited all to a dinner,

At the end of the meal there was left just the head,

And, those that were there were contented and fed,

Of course I would have gone out to catch more fish with my rig,

But, I had run out of nightcrawlers and was too tired to dig,

So, I had to wait for the crawlers to come up in the rain,

Alas, we were in a dry spell with no rain on the plain.   

81918

MY ROOMMATE IS A PIG POEM

My roommate lives on the dole,
He never sweeps the floor,
He never cleans the toilet bowl,
Or, flushes anymore,

My roommate lives just day to day,
He never has a job,
The rent he'll never help to pay,
He is just a big fat slob,

My roommate is just not all there,
He'll never get a gig,
What people think he does not care,
My roommate is a pig,

Don't find roommates on the Internet,
You'll be real sorry if you do,
Online roommates will make you upset,
The day they move in you will rue.

33017

THE HENRY TRIED WRINKLE CREAM POEM AND HAIKU

POEM
Henry tried some wrinkle cream,
Upon the button on his belly,
It made his button really red,
Like a lump of raspberry jelly,

Poor Henry, his button is still all wrinkled,
And, the cream had burned him soar,
Now, his face is drawn and crinkled,
Because, the pain he could bear, no more.

HAIKU
Vain Henry, wrinkled,
Belly Button, wrinkle cream,
Ouch, burns, still wrinkled.

11823

BILLY AND THE B

Billy was out swinging beneath an old tree,

He swung so high he got stung by a bad bee,

He gave a bee nest a tap,

The nest fell on Billy's lap,

He's in ICU; I can't get in to see.

32724

MY SCORPION IS IN A BETTER PLACE, THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS

My pet scorpion was killed, when someone crushed him with a big rock,

I spent all day complaining to all my followers on Tic Toc,

Someone sent a message that was sound,

The kind of message to bring me round,

Seems my scorpion is in heaven, being treated by a doc.

32724

I FED MY FAMILY INFLATION BUGS

The price of groceries had gotten so darn high,

Was with jitter bugs and weeds, I made my stir fry,

The food was so bad,

The family got mad,

They puked all night long, and said I was a bad dad.

32724

MARCO GOT BANNED

Marko is very bitter,

Since he's been banned from Twitter,

A down toilet seat omiter,

His hair is all green glitter,

He is a doggy sitter.

32724

BAD RABBIT

There was a crazy rabbit that painted chicken eggs,

He'd run around and leave them, between old ladies legs,

Someone set a rabbit trap,

That ended the rabbit app,

Now the bunny is caged, and for carrots, all day begs.

CHILDREN VS NOT LIMERICK

Whimper, whimper my little brats,
 I should have stayed single and just kept some cats,
 I could manage their poop,
 With just a big scoop,
Pooped diapers are more expensive than flats.

112718

DADDY SELLS MEDICAL SUPPLIES, AND MOMMY WANTS HER CUT

Daddy sells appendages like human fingers and human toes,

Surprising what rich people pay, for a pretty human nose,

Organs are where the money's at,

My mommy tells my daddy that,

Mommy has gotten more involved, as daddy's business grows.

DADDY SELLS MEDICAL.SUPPLIES II

Daddy bought and sold things, like human lungs and human hearts,

There's a lot of old rich people needing many new parts,

There was an old man in Sydney,

He needed a fresh, new kidney,

Daddy won one from our neighbor, in a game of lawn jarts. 

MY DADDY SOLD MEDICAL SUPPLIES

"Whatever floats their boat",

Was daddy's favorite quote,

He went up the river,

Sold kidneys and liver,

Delivered in a dry ice filled tote.

THE WASHED AWAY CITY

A sudden massive, storm downpour washed my  city away,

I floated amongst parts of buildings in Saginaw Bay,

Then out of the dark,

Comes this big giant shark,

I kicked him square in the nose, and saved my bacon that day.

32624

WHERE ARE THE BLOOMING SPRING FLOWERS?

I went out looking for new blooming spring flowers,

All I came across were snow drifts and snow showers,

Although springtime is here,

The flowers I fear,

I will find them in weeks and not hours.

32221

NO.TRESSPASSING UNLESS THERE'S A BEAR

My neighbors and I signed some treaties, 

No one can trespass with their feeties,

Unless chased by a bear,

Then no one will care,

If chased, you'll wish you had your Wheaties.

32624

THE SERPENT UNDER THE ROCK

There was a poison filled serpent underneath a pretty granite rock,

I thought I'd find a stick and clobber him, and record it for Tik Tok,

Then the serpent slithered toward me,

Bit me just below my bad knee,

As I lay crying, dying, the nasty serpent danced around, to mock.

32624

FOUR FEET WENT BACK TO SCHOOL

On the first day of school I found I had four feet,

And, they wouldn't fit under a two foot seat,

Then, I got everyone's stare,

For my four feet were bare,

But, I knew I was dreaming when my lunch I didn't eat. 

COYOTE HUNGRY

Coyotes are after my little terror dog,

They may well get him, because he sleeps like a dead log,

I made my doggy wear bells,

And some skunk pee that smells,

Now my dear doggy is free to hike, sleep, dance or jog.

32624

HAPPY CAMPER KELLY

Kelly the happy camper, camps up north in the early springs,

Kelly roasts marshmallows, and does other happy camper things,

Sometimes he catches little fish,

Breaks their small bones, and makes a wish,

When Kelly is done breaking fish bones, he sits around and sings.

32524

THE BEN MADE BISMARKS LIMERICK

Ben made bismarks until he was fired,
He didn't use the filling that was required,
It was such a big  waste,
He filled bismarks with toothpaste,
It was not the filling the public desired.

Z1616

CLAUDIUS THE CLOWN IS SAD

Claudius the clown, was a very, very stupid man,

He could not learn to tie his shoes, nor open a Spam can,

It was said, Claudius the clown,

Couldn't tell a smile from a frown,

He got fired by the circus, and got a lifetime ban.

THERE WAS A PIG NAMED ROCKET

There was a pink pig named rocket,
One eyeball didn't fit in it's socket,
It kept popping out,
It would land on his snout,
He'd put it away in his pocket.

33114

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

81416

MY SOCCER CAREER ENDS WITH PAIN

I got a terrible concussion,
Playing soccer against the team of the Prussian,
I took a ball to the brain,
But, I felt little pain,
As off to the hospital I went rushin'.

1516

THE NEIGHBORHOOD GARGOYLES

I saw two gargoyles out in the yard,
They were snacking on someone; I think Mr. Bard,
Because it wasn't me,
I just let it be,
With gargoyles you must be on guard.

Two gargoyles were lurking in my neighborhood,
They seemed to think my neighbors tasted real good,
Only, I stayed inside,
And, the rest of them died,
Being safe was not well understood.

51321
 

GEORGE HAD A HOUND DOG NAMED MOLLY

George had a hound dog named Molly,
Mollie married Danny the collie,
Ten puppies they raised,
But, Danny was crazed,
The pups looked like a bull dog named Ollie.

Molly would eat ice cream all the day,
She didn't exercise or try to play,
She got so big and round,
She bounced on the ground,
Then bounced herself out on the bay.

Molly liked to sleep in the sun,
That was what Molly thought was fun,
When she got a sun burn,
Then over she would turn,
Now Molly weighs more than a ton.

9522

I WENT OUT TO THE OLD HAUNTED SHACK

I went out to the old haunted shack,

Didn't know if I'd ever come back,

Sure enough, the ghost grabbed my head,

Yanked it off, made me dead,

Then, I was tossed on a dead body stack.

MY SWEET AND CAESAR'S FEET

The Ides of March is oh so sweet,

And I celebrate with a candy treat,

Of course, it's sad for poor Caesar,

But, he was a hard pleaser,

And, I was the slave that had to keep clean Caesar's feet.

31520

MY FLOWER POPPED UP IN THE SPRING

My flower popped up in the spring,

Then a cold snap did it's thing,

My flower tilted,

Then it wilted,

And, an unhappy bee gave me a sting.

52122

THE BUG ZAPPER OF TEARS

I had a small pet bug named Larry, he just learned how to fly,

He flew into a bug zapper, and that's where he learned to die,

I keep losing all my bug pets,

The bug zapper has no regrets,

Larry is just a pile of dust; I ask the zapper, "why".

32424

SNAPPING TURTLES WENT FOR MY TOES

I went swimming with the turtles, and what did I find?

Turtles like to snap toes off, which left me in a bind,

I would have drowned that day,

But a whale came my way,

The whale swam me to my home, because that whale was kind.

MY GERBIL HAD NO PEDIGREE

My gerbil had no pedigree, no pedigree at all,

So, he did not get good job interviews; not even a single call,

His vast student loans filled him with fright,

This made my gerbil so uptight,

He growled at me and tried to bite,

And, drank the whiskey and wanted to fight,

I made my gerbil sleep outside last night,

Today, I found him froze to the sidewalk tight,

Thus, ended my little gerbils plight,

His big juicy eyes were a crow's delight.

1318

I TRAVELED TO THE PARTS UNKNON

I journeyed deep into the swamp to the parts unknown,

I found food for dinner, for there was plenty of bone,

But what walks upright there?

A prehistoric bear,

It grabbed me and licked me, like I was an ice cream cone.

32324

PINE NEEDLE CHEW FOR SPOONING

I put four acorns in my green, mint tea,

That makes a bitter flavor taste for me,

I chew needles of pine,

So my breath smells fresh, fine,

Now my honey will go spooning with me.

MY LITTLE POEM ABOUT GHEE

I ordered the health food, ghee,

I thought it was to be free,

It is costly as can be,

I added salt from the sea,

Dumped it on macaroni. 

JERRY AND THE CANDY CANE

There once was a story teller, named Jerry,

In his brain, many stories he would carry,

Jerry lost part of his brain,

From a falling candy cane,

That deep in  his skull, it did bury.