I SHOT A RUBBER BAND, NOW I LIVE UNDER A BRIDGE

I shot off a rubber band,

Where did the rubber band land?

It struck my boss in his eye,

That made my boss cry,

Before the end of the day, I got canned.

YUM! YUM! YUM! STICKY, GREASY PORK RINDS

My pork rinds were not so greasy or sweet,

So, I fried them with grease and brown sugar for my treat,

Now, I have to confess,

They were a sticky, greasy mess,

But boy they were so good to eat.

SAGA OF THE NIGHT WATCHMAN

Mr. Murphy, he retired,

His other choice, was get fired,

He was out of date,

Would hesitate,

Had no promotions, since he was hired.

JEETER LIKED TO WATCH THE CLOCK

Jeeter liked to watch the clock,
He watched at work each day,
Jeeter got almost nothing done,
 But, he still expected pay,

One day Jeeter had to see the boss,
The boss told Jeeter he was done,
Jeeter was at a total loss,
He thought he worked harder than anyone,

Jeeter quickly found a job with hope,
It was a job watching a giant clock,
He spent his nights with a telescope,
As the stars moved he heard "tic-toc".

MAGIC CHRISTMAS, AND FULL IS THE MOON

Magic Santa, magic sleigh, magic deer that fly,

Underneath the full moon, they are a dab onto the eye,

In corporeal form they appeal,

But in reality, they are unreal,

Everywhere, and all at once, on such magic they rely.

I FED A FERRET, AND HE POOPED ON MY FLOOR

I invited a ferret over for dinner, but he was not very nice,

He was always chattering and chattering, and gave my youngest lice,

And in my bathroom, he did more,

He missed my toilet, and nailed the floor,

I grabbed that ferret by the tail, and escorted him out my door.

THE GNOME LIMERICKS

Marcy was a real pretty horse,
A gnome ate her for his main course,
Then he ate my dog,
My cat and my frog,
Gnomes are such an evil force.

There was a little gnome named Klaus,
He kept gnawing on my old house,
He liked tasty paint,
With a bit of lead taint,
And, termites and the occasional mouse.

SANTA MAY NOT HAVE REIGNDEER, BUT AT LEAST HE HAS HIS STALL

Jimmy was short and tubby, and he had the Santa call,

So he got a job as Santa, working at the Midtown Mall,

He worked there for fifty years,

Made enough money to buy his beers,

Jimmy did get a reserved toilet, they named it Santa's Stall.

A STEVE THE PORCH PIRATE CHRISTMAS LIMERICK

Steve was a porch pirate who was very lucky,

He threw boxes from porches into the back.of his trucky,

Presents Steve got from his hood,

Made his Christmas feel good,

But for all those he ripped off, it was sucky.

TEACHER, TEACHER ALPHABET SOUP LIMERICKS

Teacher, teacher alphabet soup,
When I sit in class my eye lids droop,
My brain is so soar,
I just want to snore,
It’ll be a lifetime before I recoup.

Teacher, Teacher alphabet soup,
I can’t understand and I’m not a goop,
It would not be so bad,
If I could sleep for a tad,
Or, go out with my buds shooting hoop.

Teacher, teacher, alphabet soup,
I think that I’m coming down with the croup,
School air makes me wheeze,
And, who cut the cheese?
I’ve sit so long I’ve developed a stoop.

I EVOLVED AND WENT BACK TO.THE SEA

I woke up this morning without hands, arms or feet,

Instead, I had flippers; how am I supposed to eat?

I flopped down to the bay,

I feel better, I'd say,

Except, I'm sick of eating fish, and desire red meat.

CHRISTMAS EVE AND REINDEER STEVE

Again it is now Christmas Eve,
Santa’s ride depends on reindeer Steve,
Steve is the official weather reindeer,
But, he has drank too much beer,
Let’s hope his sobriety he’ll retrieve.

A WREATH FOR THE HOLIDAYS

I needed a holiday wreath for my front door,

Could not afford to buy one, because I'm dirt poor,

I took wire and branches of pine,

Built a circle held together with twine,

The wreath might not look good, but it's artwork of mine.

DAVY OF THE NAVY

There was  mouse I called Davy,

He kept chewing into my dry packs of gravy,

I told him I will get very rough, 

If he gets into my salty stuff,

So, Davy ran off to join a salt water navy.

HARRY UNPACKED HIS OBOE

Santa brought Harry an oboe, and he unpacked it Christmas Day,

Once the oboe was assembled, Harry began to play and play,

Harry was a happy winner,

Mama cooked him Christmas dinner,

After Christmas dinner, Harry napped in bed, where he would stay.

LOTIONS,AND POTIONS AND WORMS IN THE EARS

Jimmy had worms burrowing deep into his ears,

He had worm eggs sliding down his face in his tears,

He bought topical lotions,

And consumable potions,

He got better, and told his saga over beers.

A DOCTOR WHO SATURDAY

It's Saturday, and I don't know what to do,

Maybe I will visit buffalo at the zoo,

I guess I'll go to the beach,

There, volleyball I will teach,

Then I'll head home to watch Doctor Who.

I HAVE "THE WATCHING THE SNOWFALL MONOTONY BLUES"

I have "the watching the snowfall monotony blues,"

In Michigan the snowfalls always come in twos,

One lasts all night, the other lasts all day,

And, I expect the last one at some midpoint in may,

And, what about that rascal sun,

He shows up at sundown and then he is done,

And, what about the moon and stars?

They're simply legends told in snow stuck cars,

For summer days I have been grieving,

Though perhaps my memories are deceiving,

I remember the warmth from the golden, bright skies,

Perhaps, in my winter dementia the truth, it lies,

How could summer weather be so keen,

And, winter weather triple mean,

I do not know when I snowblow,

If I'll freeze a finger or a toe,

In Michigan we dig our ditches deep,

Sliding vehicles we stack in a heap,

And, if my wood pile does not stay dry,

Then, I will quickly freeze and die,

So, if you're looking for a place to go,

Come to Michigan, we have ice and snow,

 For we have sleds, and skies and affordable dining,

But, if you love sunshine, better quit your whining. 

P01012021

THE GLOWING SNOW WAS PAINTED BLUE

Chips of blue paint covered the new fallen snow,

The moonlight hit it, and the moonlight, it glow,

It's my peeled house paint,

The white snow it taint,

I would have repainted, but I didn't have much doe.

HILLBILLY CHRISTMAS DINING

I bought me a chicken, and had me a fry,

It tasted so good it put beams in my eye,

Then I had me some beans,

And fried mustard greens,

I got seeds in my dentures from raspberry pie.

HARRY BOUGHT SOME BONGOS

Often Harry would play in concert his sweet kazoo, 

Then he bought a nice metal flute, and it was brand new,

Then he bought a clarinet,

Found reeds were hard to get,

Harry bought some bongos, and played them in concert too.

WHEN I MET AN AMOEBA MONSTER LIMERICK

I had a really bad, bad fright,
It was a weird monster I met one night,
It was a green Amoeba,
It's name was Reba,
I think my eyeballs weren't screwed in right. 

WINTER HONEY IS THE BEES KNEES

I saw some weird little winter bees,

They had their own little toboggans, and their own skies,

They might look funny,

But they make tommy honey,

Tasting best after the honeycomb freeze.

I ATE TUNA ALL WINTER, NOW ALONG COMES A BEAR

Area bear watchers have gotten their wish,

There's a bear around here searching for some nutrish,

He loves smelly containers,

Like trash can retainers,

But, my house smells like canned tuna fish.

PSYCHO HEAT MIND

NASAL HYGIENE AND WARFARE

The picking of the noses is a family tradition,

Most do it for the fun, others do it for the nutrition,

Dig for the boogers deep, deep, deep,

The ones you like, you get to keep,

The others you can use as personalized ammunition.

THE CANDY CANE LICKER

I like licking my candy cane; it tastes like peppermint,

It makes my eyes tear up, and gives them a shinny tint,

I've got a bumper sticker,

Says, "CANDY CANE LICKER",   

Mama says, "oh, you didn't?",

THE CANDY CANE POEM

It does not take any brains,

The best treats are candy canes,

I do not hesitate,

I quickly manducate,

Then my teeth all suffer pains.

I CUT THE CABLE TV BUT, I DID NOT CUT THE ELECTRIC WIRE

When I dug a hole to plant a red maple tree,
Oops!  I cut the cable to my cable TV,
But, the cut electrical wire,
Which caused a neighborhood fire,
I didn't do so, please don't blame me.

IRREGARDLESS, I SAY

For Bill, "irregardless" is his favorite word,

But amongst PhD scholars it's a word never heard,

Now Bill gets a thrill,

Telling the smart ones to chill,

Saying, " irregardless is the newspeak of the nerd."

THE CLAWS OF THE YETI

I walked into a mountain cave,

And, found the bones that would mark my grave,

Then, in walks a two-headed yeti with claws,

And, long sharp, teeth in both jaws,

And of course, it did me no good to be brave.   

GORDO THE DRAGON SLAYER PART III

Gordo slayed a dragon so big,
He couldn't haul it away with his donkey-cart rig,
So, he decided to stay,
And, ate well for one day,
Then, rode off like a pot-bellied pig.

PURVIS THE SNAKE LIKED TO LOOK AT THE SKY

Purvis the snake liked to look up at the sky,
He imagined his his meals in the clouds on the fly,
Purvis would often wish,
He saw either bugs or fish,
But, a frog was his favorite meal in his eye.

THE TREE WHO KNEW TOO MUCH

Out in my backyard,

Stood a maple tree on guard,

Beneath it's tower,

Was my patio of power,

Where stories flowed from every bard,

My neighbors, relations and some I barely knew,

Would speak each's faults both false and true,

Conversations if in the public stew,

Many partakers would surely rue,

Then one day at my patio party,

The old maple tree started to talk,

Passing on such gossip,

I hoped that my guests would laugh and balk,

But, of all the loathsome stories,

That were tattle-tailed that day,

Was the one of my endless glories,

Regarding always having things my way,

Of course, my wife was there to hear,

The maples stories told to jeer,

My wife's behavior then took a steer,

And, she dumped down the drain my homemade beer,

Then, in her more anger there arose,

As she threw out all of my cloths,

And, she slapped off half my nose,

Then, stomped upon my twinkle toes,

I so surmised that this maple tree,

Really had it in for me,

So, I decided to act like a mid-evil Sax,

And, chopped down the tree with my double ax.  

HOME 4 SALE

I bought an  expensive piece of lake frontage land,

A million dollar mortgage, I signed with my hand,

I live barely week to week,

Higher wages, I had to seek,

Just now at work, they told me, I'm screwed and I'm canned,

DRAINING THE SWAMP CONSEQUENCES

My old hound dog peed on the floor, and he drained a swamp,

My contractor slipped on the floor, and is now on work comp,

What could I do?

My contractor sue,

My brain heard that circumstance song that has pomp.

THERE ONCE WAS A SNOWMAN NAMED BILL

There once was a snowman named Bill,
He always had a bad chill,
But, one sunny day,
Bill melted away,
So, getting warm wasn't a thrill.

There once was a snowman named Bill,
He sat on the side of a hill,
As the snow melted one day,
Bill slid down like a sleigh,
And, he forgot to leave us a will.

THE OVERLY RIPE STRAWBERRY LIMERICK

I picked strawberries that were overly ripe,
And, the juice ran off my counter, oh cripe!
Of course it takes work and not brains,
To get out carpet stains,
So, my white carpet has a red stripe.

AFTER NOON, I WENT TO THE MOON

I decided to take a trip to the earth moon,

My new spaceship, and I and my dog, named Baboon,

My spaceship shifts by stick,

We rode it there real quick,

Partied with the natives, who hoped we'd be back soon.

WINNING THROUGH BROWN NOSING

I went to the city theatre, which was located downtown,

They wouldn't let me in, so I called the manager a bad noun,

Although I have no money,

My soul is bright and sunny,

I should have a free pass, since I compliment my nose brown.

WILLIE THE SUNFISH WANTS A PRESENT

Willie the sunfish, sent Santa a list,

Willie wanted most a watch for the wrist,

Jolly Santa wrote to Willy,

Told Willy he was silly,

But, Santa said Willie will get one, if he shows Santa a fist.

I GAVE MY DOGGY A TUMMY ACHE

I bought some healthy meatless protein burger, today,

It was rather expensive, for my very low, low pay,

I know it is a costly waste,

But I let doggy have a taste,

He vomited all over, now in his bed he lay.

HARK, THE GURGLING GERD

Listen, hark, the carrot angel food cake,

With chocolate frosting, I did two take,

Later I heard,

Gurgling gerd,

All who ate cake, got a bad belly ache.

THE LIFE OF THIS DOG

When I eat off the carpet, everything tastes like feet,

And, the water in the toilet tastes worse near the seat,

The life of this dog,

I narrate on this blog,

And, I'll bite master on the tail if he forgets that I eat.

SANTA IS CANADIAN

I went to Canada to see Santa this year,

He was in Sault Ste. Marie, training reindeer,

I asked him for a pony,

And four cheese macaroni,

And a gallon of extra rooty root beer. 

THE COUGAR BED AND BREAKFAST

I owned a bed and breakfast, but only cougar came to stay,

They all had lots of money, so I didn't turn any away,

They dated the local guys, 

Local gals had hateful eyes,

My local bed and breakfast, the gals tore down, one sunny day.

MY HOLIDAY TRAVEL GUIDE

I went to England to visit some kings,

But they were all busy doing important things,

I had me a draft,

Got back on my raft,

Paddled back to New England for a meal of hot wings.

WATCH OUT FOR P BEARS THIS WINTER

There was a polar bear in my yard,

He was eating my neighbor, Mr. Gerard,

When the white bear was done,

He ate Gerard's son,

That hit grandma Gerard really hard.

THE WINTER APOCALYPSE HAS WINNERS

In the post-winter apocalypse the snowmen win,

They don't have to worry about frozen dead skin,

The whirlwinds of ice and snow,

Only makes the snowmen grow,

The snowmen hunt for humans for a frozen snowman din.

DEREK THE DRUMMER DID DRUM

Derek the drummer, did drum everyday,

He would drum most of the time, since his mom passed away,

When Derek got tired,

He would just get rewired,

By playing pinball at the coffee cafe.

WHEN I LOSE, I KNOW I'VE BEEN CHEATED

In the backseat of a Ford,

I play checkers on a board,

With Brother Jim,

And Sister Kim,

I lost, "you cheated", I roared.

STICKY BOY, BILLY

Billy applied his sticky salve and creams,

So Billy could sleep sound, and have nice dreams,

Or else he'd itch,

Toss and twitch,

And have nightmares of eating salad greens.

THE LIFE OF RED PAINTER

I sleep best at night if I have some beer, and am very well fed,

Then I watch tv shows full of zombies, known as the undead,

I say night, night to the dog,

Then we each snore, like a hog,

I work next day as a barn painter, and paint mostly with red.

SANTA HAS A PROBLEM

Santa has no toys this year, because he had no money to pay,

So he bought some discounted rhubarb, then he loaded up his sleigh,

So every good little boy or girl,

Will get some rhubarb to make them hurl,

Because Santa loves online poker, and he can loose all day.

HARRY PLAYED 13 HOLE HARMONY

Harry didn't like playing harmony, but that's all they'd let him do,

Although, Harry was acclaimed at playing the 13 hole kazoo, 

Melody was for the 1st strings,

Harmony for the other things,

So Harry organized a union, now melody he plays too.

SOMETIMES MOZART HELPS, SOMETIMES MOZART DON'T

Ron sat on the toilet while listening to Mozart,

Ron thought through osmosis, it would make him real smart,

Ron had a chemistry test,

Yet, if Ron did his best,

He'd still end up growing old at an all night gas-mart.

SANTA LEFT TIM NO SURPRISE

Santa Claus left Tim no surprise,
Because Tim makes up stuff, then tells big lies,
Maybe Tim will now learn,
Lies are Santa's concern,
And, presents are for truth-telling guys (and gals).

I’M JUST A POOR HILLBILLY BEER DRINKING SLOB

I live in a trailer the county is about to condemn,
I wake up each morning with my lungs full of phlegm,
My girlfriend left me for a man with a job,
She said I was just a hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t work computers or barely a phone,
And, the state IRS just won’t leave me alone,
I got no money for lawyers, so they know I’m easy to rob,
Because I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob,

I can’t pay any rent; soon I’ll be out in the cold,
All my stuff to the pawn shops, I’ve already sold,
If I had a beer, over my beer I would sob,
For I’m just a poor hillbilly beer drinking slob.

MY FORTUNE TOLD FOR A TIP

My psychic with a single card flip,
Said I should be leaving a much larger tip,
She said my penchant for being cheap,
Put the spirit world fast asleep,
And, my fortunes would soon take a dip.
 

BAD MEAT SUBSTITUTE DUMPED INTO A STEW

My plant based protein tasted like glue,

I shouldn't have bought it, but who knew?

I fried it in a pan,

It turned brown from tan,

I mixed it with veggies, now I call it a stew.