THE BEARD BET

The bet was who could grow the longest beard,
The men would go thirty days until being sheared,
The bet was won by Kelly,
His beard stretched to his belly,
He wouldn't shave it since it was endeared.

Kelly bet his beard was the thickest,
It was true his beard grew the quickest,
But all were appalled,
His face was near bald,
His beard follicles were simply the sickest.

I WENT TO A SPACE STATION

I went to a space station to get some good rest,
But, they ran out of peanut butter, so I had to protest,
Then, they ran out of spaghetti,
That made me one angry yeti,
So, out the airlock they sent me as a pest.

THERE IS A YOUNG FARMER NAMED JAKE

There is a young farmer named Jake,
He hates to hoe and to rake,
He would not milk his cows,
Or feed slop to his sows,
He should quit for goodness sake.

There is a young farmer named Jake,
He'd rather go indoors to bake,
He makes pies full of cherries,
And muffins full of berries,
His best is his double cheese cake.

I FOUND MUM ON MOTHER'S DAY

I was an orphan; didn't know from whence I come,

On Mother's Day, I felt very glum,

So I traveled far,

To find a parental star,

I went clear to Egypt to find me a mum.

THE STORM

I decided to go scuba,

Down in Aruba

But a hurricane was averted,

When the aircraft diverted,

That's why I scuba in Cuba.

THE COUGAR RHYME

There's this cougar in the dark, walking by the stream,

It's hunting me through pines with red bark, oh, nightmare be a dream,

Soon my heart stops it's beat,

As I become just fresh killed meat.

I WAS DEFEATED BY ZOMBIES

It was dark outside when the zombies came,

I held them back with a candle flame,

When the flame went out,

I had a scream and a shout,

Zombies ate my feet, now I walk real lame.

Cleaning One's Clock With A Dock Limerick

Barney traveled upriver in a fancy canoe,

He traveled real fast, because the canoe was brand new,

But he ran into a dock,

And that cleaned his clock,

The dock was damaged, and the owner did sue.

A RIB IN THE ROAST, BENNY'S READY TO POST

Before Benny writes his online post,

He has to have two eggs and toast,

A half pint of beer,

A shot of the Clear,

And, a rib in a very rare roast.

DON'T EVER SLEEP

When the world is oh, so scary,

Sleep becomes uncustomary,

For resting eyes, 

Bring on demise,

And, a permanent sleep in the cemetery.

JIMMY'S FAVORITE DISH

Jimmy's favorite dish is fresh northern toad,
If you think that's strange he eats it ala-mode,
He likes butterscotch ice cream
And, in keeping with his weird theme,
He likes his toad fresh scraped from the road.

I MADE BEER AND UNCLE DUKE LOST HIS MAYONNAISE

I tried making beer out of mayonnaise,

But it didn't make it past the taste testing phase,

My old uncle, Duke,

He started to puke,

The next day my mind was a haze.

A POX UPON ME

I'm afraid I have a pox,

It's name is a judge sentenced detox,

But, how can I mend,

My friends won't let me bend,

Besides, I must demonstrate to all my street mox.

BEDWETTER WHO HAD NO GIRLFRIEND

The judge said my teenage soul needed a revamp,

So, he sent me away to bandcamp,

I started dating this girl,

Till my bunkmates called me a squirrel,

Because I drank pop and my beding was damp.   

DON'T STICK A FORK IN A TOASTER

I stuck a fork in a toaster,

To get my toast unstuck,

It worked well when I stuck it in my roaster,

But, this time I was out of luck,

I got zapped and zapped off my feet,

And, landed in a box of sharp  things,

I tried moving my arms and felt them both beat,

Because they had become a pair of wings.

HIGH DOME GNOME POEM

Hey, little guy with the big, high dome,

I understand they call you a gnome,

I wish you'd leave and go home,

Instead around my garden, you roam,

I'm so bothered, I set you to poem.

GNOMES GET NO SYMPATHY FROM ME

I cannot get myself to write a poem,
That is sympathetic to a garden gnome,
Every gnome is so mean,
And, their cloths they don't clean,
After all day in the garden they roam.

THE RHYME OF FOODS WITH GARLIC

All food deserves a garlic dash,
It makes dull food vibrant and brash,
Food with garlic delights my taster,
And, garlic with butter is the ultimate baster,
Garlic makes no food a waster,
Sometimes I use garlic as a tooth-paster,

EVERY NINTH FISH IS ALWAYS A ZOMBIE

Every ninth fish is always a zombie,

So says my fishing bud Bob Abercrombie,

He says "it's not a surprise,

They have death in their eyes,"

I asked him which type he said, "Omni".

A WILD PIG STEALS MY PAPER

A wild pig steals my paper each day,🐗
What he does with it I really can’t say,
But, I don’t think it is funny,
Because it cost so much money,
He gets my paper and I still  have to pay.

THE BOND SELLING FELONY LIMERICK

Jim tried to make phone calls and do some bond sellin'
But, he ended up in prison and branded a felon,
And, although the bonds were not real,
Jim might get out on appeal,
At least that's what his attorney is tellin'...

BROTHER DOUG DID IT

I had no nails to nail my tree house boards,

So I tied them to branches with electric cords,

Then my brother Dog

Found an electrical plug,

The city is where the fire rages towards.

BABIES AND BABIES AND ZOMBIES, I DIED

The stork brought babies and babies,

My pet rat came down with the rabies,

My skin was all covered with scabies,

It was the darkest and darkest of days

A raccoon got into the henhouse,

My mommy ran off with my ex-spouse,

My kid went to jail; got a de-louse,

It was the darkest and darkest of days,

My car ran over nails in the driveway,

I did not find out till the highway,

I spun off a bridge into a skyway,

It was the darkest and darkest of days,

I landed on rocks sticking up near the shoreline,

Sharks swam around me, waitng to fine dine,

My bones were all broke, I was not fine,

It was the darkest and darkest of days,

I closed my eyes and then I soon died,

Awoke in a world of zombies, and I couldn't hide,

They ate my face, my feet, and backside,

It was the darkest and darkest of days.

BABY, IT WAS MY DORKEST DAY

I heard a knock up on the door, and it was the Stork,

He gave me a baby that he said was named Cork,

I told him he had some nerve,

This baby was a curve,

Because I'm always alone, I'm a dork.

MY POGO-STICK AS TRANSPORTATION TO WORK

I quit driving my car for a pogo stick,
Yet, now I can't seem to get anywhere quick,
I can jump really high,
And, pretend I can fly,
But, my boss said  that he did not "give a lick."

MY DRAGON WAS A PICKY EATER

I use to have a dragon and all he'd eat was rice,

I tried to feed him noodles that I bought for half the price,

My dragon said the noodles were too oldie,

And, he'd get a bellyache if they were moldy, 

But one day, my dragon did eat potatoes with a side of french fried mice.

SAFETY FIRST: CHOCK YOUR TIRES

While offloading my pickup truck,

I did not chock my tires and had bad luck,

Because I didn't chock my tires,

The truck squashed me and my wires,

Now, absent my innards I can eat for a buck.

MY FROSTBITE WOE

Woe into me for I have frostbite, 

For I went there out with no gloves in the cold dead of night,

Then, I blew out one bad cough, 

And, all my fingers fell off,

Of course, they never were on very tight.

I WENT TO THE CIRCUS TO SEE DUNDER THE CLOWN

I went to the circus to see Dunder the clown,
But, Dunder had just got back from a night-on-the-town,
And, Dunder the clown star,
Smashed up the clown car,
Dunder's clown-smile was now a clown-frown. 

I WENT TO EGYPT TO DIG UP A MUM

I went to Egypt to dig up a mum,

But, I stayed at a hotel and drank tankards of rum,

So, I let the mum be,

And, watched colored TV,

While chewing on a big wad of gum.

MAY

In May the seedlings upward sputter,

Above the bugs with wings, go flutter,

In the trees,

Peep open leaves,

On golf ball grass, I puts my putter.

MAY LIMERICK

May is the month to rake needles from the pines,
In May my lawn fills with gross dandelions,
In May my garden fills with weeds,
When I plant the birds eat the seeds,
I till the place under if my tiller had tines.

BIGFOOT ATE MY BABIES AND MY MATE

A Bigfoot made a nest in the barn on my farm,

I did not believe it would cause any harm,

But when the Bigfoot eggs hatched out,

There were little Bigfoots all about,

When they ate the family that was cause for alarm.

NOEL'S IMMORTALITY FOUND BY APPROACHING LIGHT SPEED

Because the dreaded unknown conjures great fears,

Noel wanted to live for billions of years,

He came up with a plan,

To become an immortal man,

Gaining wealth while others were losing their tears, 

Noel sent rockets into outer space, 

Faster rockets was in Noel's plan, the base,

If fast enough they could go,

The future Noel would soon know,

Immortality exits in the future place.

I RENTED A COTTAGE

At 5'8" I hit my head on the stoop,

Then, I just started to recoup,

At a weight of pounds 144,

I fell through the bad floor,

And, went swimming in a basement full of poop.

SPRING: BUGS, SNAKES, EAGLES AND CAKES

Spring is when the bugs and snakes,

Wake up to hunt the foods each takes,

Melted highways will reveal their woe,

Revealing critters that moved much too slow,

Eagles feast on thawed meat cakes.  

ZELDA THREE BEAST

Zelda is the creature who I want to see the least,

Because, depending upon how I approach her she becomes a different beast,

From the front she is a tiger who will bite off all my face,

From the back she is a bear who will rip my guts out like fine lace,

From the sides she is a rattlesnake who will bite into my knee,

I think avoiding Zelda is the plan best laid out for me.

WHY MARS INVADES

I didn't see it coming, that is, the invasion from Mars,

I was busy canning tomatoes in wide mouth mason jars,

The Martian army was sent,

Because their king was quite bent,

Because I exported my tomatoes on out to the stars.

WHEN FANCY PANTS CAN'TS CAVORT

Jim's fancy pants were way too short,

So on the dance floor Jim couldn't cavort,

Too tight for friend, Willy,

The pants were deemed silly,

Jim was banned from the bar and the entire resort.

THE GLAD, THE BAD AND THE PEPPER TUSH LIMERICK

Two twin green peppers grew on a bush,
One got rotten and turned into mush,
The good pepper was glad,
That the other went bad,
Because that gave him more room for his tush. 

 

WHEN THE SPRINGS POP LIMERICK

George had two springs pop up in his bed,
One stabbed him in the back the other in the head,
George’s mind filled with doom,
So he ran from his bedroom,
A few more stabbings and he thought that he’d be dead.

THE BALLAD OF BILLY DEED

This is the story of Billy Deed,
He was in a giant pickle,
Billy Deed was a pickle seed,
He froze and became a pickle-sickle

In the spring when he thawed out,
He thought he'd get his chance,
But, a pickle seed when it's thawed out,
Is a favorite food of ants.

I FUNDED METER MARY'S RETIREMENT

Meter Mary had power to wield,

She left a time ticket upon my windshield,

For the time that I had was expired,

From that ticket Meter Mary retired, 

Investing in bonds that had a very high yield.

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

THE SMELL OF THE SELF-STICKING STAMPS

The glue that was used on my self-sticking stamps,
Smelled kind of funny so I shared it with gramps,
Then, gramps gave it a lick,
And, I said "that's just sick,"
Then, old grandpa bent over with cramps.

ONWARD DEATH DIMENSION

In the end there is no end, just a silent tuning fork,

Like a wine bottle once opened up, you can't appease with cork,

So, oft we go,

We loose all we know,

Of tensions, time and tork.

I only wish that I could have,

More cheese and bacon pork,

KING BENNY AND THE SCURVY DISEASE LIMERICK

Eating meat was the only way that King Benny was pleased,

Now Benny is all nasty and scurvy diseased,

His servants offered him fruits,

He threw at them his boots,

Now he feels bad because he is well teased.

MISSY TRIED TO PLAY THE FRENCH HORN

Missy tried to play the French horn,
But the music was so forlorn,
It wasn’t just sad,
It was ugly and bad,
It’s too bad the French horn was born.

UNCLE EMIL SERVED RAW CHICKEN TO THE KING

Uncle Emil raised big chickens,
Then, roasted them for the king’s court,
One day he did not clean them well,
And, the king put Emil on report,

The king’s men took old Uncle Emil away,
No one has seen him since that time,
It seems giving the king a bad belly ache,
Is a very treasonous crime?

Now I have taken up Uncle Emil’s job,
But, the king eats fish and chickens no more,
Today I served up some tainted raw fish,
Just to settle up Uncle Emil’s score.

MY CHAINSAW WOULDN'T START

I needed firewood but my chainsaw wouldn't start,
So, I used a screwdriver and took it apart,
But, I could not make it run better,
Because I couldn't get it together,
It's like mechanics is some kind of an art.

MY LITTLE BUG NAMED ROVER

My little bug named Rover,
Decided he'd find a clover,
A bird overflew,
The bird gave Rover a chew,
My new little bug is named Grover.

TAMMY WAS CURSED BY A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER-Limerick

Tammy was chugging vodka and apple cider,
When she swallowed a cursed black widow spider,
It bit her in the throat,
She then started to bloat,
Now, she eats all the flies that land beside her.

I ALWAYS ENTER THE FOREST PREPARED

When I enter the forest I'm always prepared,

I'm ready to run for I keep myself scared,

And, I never fail,

To find the bunny trail,

Where wolves lie with their great big teeth bared. 

ODE TO THE MONSTERS OF BLING

Watch out for monsters, they'll steal all your bling,

They ripped out my piercing and gnawed off my ring,

And my bracelet of gold,

Was ripped off and then sold,

And my pocket gold tick tock was my last golden thing.

A TRACTOR ON THE HIGHWAY

I did not see the lawnmower, nor the fence nor the car,

Now my old farm tractor lies in bits on the highway tar,

I run over things instead of making passes,

Because I need to always wear my glasses,

So, instead of plowing up my field I'm sitting at the bar.

MY PYTHON LIMERICK

My python has just slithered away,
Now, out in the Florida swamps she will play,
Warning:  my snake is a hater,
So, beware alligator,
You might be her dinner today.

I FOUND ZOMBIES IN MY SWIMMING POOL

I found several zombies swimming in my swimming pool,
Their arms were eaten off so their swim style was not cool,
Like dead fish in my fish tank,
They floated to the surface and stank,
But, they were too big to flush down the toilet stool.

SALLY WAS CHASED BY A WILD PIG

Sally was being chased through the woods by a wild bore with tusks,
She figured he was attracted to her deodorant which smelled like musk,
She knew he was like all other pigs,
Even if they dressed well, with nice digs,
They were just beast occupying fancier husks.

THE PUDDLE WITH THE ARK

I walked in the woods and found a puddle with an ark,

And, floating there all crowed was a big piece of bark,

It held ants, worms and centipedes,

And, insect eggs that looked like seeds,

All waiting the puddle to vanish so their ride could then park. 

 

SAMMY'S SAUSAGE MALFUNCTION

Sammy ate pork sausage not quite done,

He ate it anyway because he had to run,

But it was not funny,

When the pork came out runny,

While Sammy was meeting with his big bosses son.