MY PET CEMETARY

I have an old pet cemetery, full of old pet bones,

You can go to visit it, but do not disturb the stones,

For under stone and log,

We buried a demon dog,

 Best to just leave him be, for the foul, dead soil, he owns.

FLESH EATING POND SCUM

There was a family of rock snot, living in my pond,

They ate some toes and of those toes, I had grown quite fond,

So my pond would be beautified,

I got some rock snot fungicide,

With pride, I applied the cide, the snots lost their rock-hold bond.

POOR BUTTERFLY: A FABLE POEM

Poor butterfly fluttering in the air,
With such desperation and despair,
The snow is blowing and winter is here,
It is the time that butterflies fear,

Unless, of course they do not taunt fate and stay,
And, with their fellow butterfly pilgrims stray,
Soon to greet the warm equatorial day,
And, feast on sweet nectar beneath the sun’s glowing ray.

DADDY, COME BACK HOME

Daddy, you went to Alaska to mine for some gold,

You didn't find any there, so you decided to fold,

Then, you went to the Southwest,

Where job prospects were best,

But daddy,  we are starving and it's getting real cold. 

Daddy, we were desperate for meat so, we ate the milk cow,

We killed all the chickens so, what do we do now?

I went hunting for deer,

But, my shots don't come near,

And, ma says she's selling the tractor and plow,

Daddy, you best get back home with your family and stay,

Jimmy burned the barn down and Jean eloped yesterday,

Frankie needs some school cloths,

His socks show off his toes,

Ma 's working but, for really low pay.

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? II

An unknown entity ate into Ed's brain,
Some say the entity's dinning made Edward insane,
And, where Ed blows his nose,
A baby entity goes,
At parties Ed can sure entertain.

THE SPREAD OF BRAIN EATING FUNGI

Brain eating fungi grow all over this year,

From deep in the forest to out on the pier,

The fungi release spores,

That are inhaled through your snores,

Spores spread human to human with the touch of one tear.

WHAT I WON'T EAT ON A CHICKEN

Hard and clawed are chicken feet,

That's why such parts I do not eat,

Unless, I've run all out of meat,

Then my common rules are in retreat,

And I'll eat all but the chicken seat.

MY TOESIES LAST STAND

My two biggest toes were all mold,

My three little toes, shivered cold,

I queried  my disease,

Regarding frozen toesies,

Chop, chop, was what my dire future, foretold.

THE S'MOREST S'MORE

In the pantry behind the door,

Is where I kept my secret store,

Of marshmallows and candy bars,

And, graham crackers shaped like cars,

So, I could make the s'morest s'more.  

HOT CHOCOLATE WOULD HIT THE SPOT, LIMERICK

The rain pelted down on my brain,

It made me 3/4 insane,

I was way out in the woods,

Picking mushroom goody goods,

Dreamed of coco, flavored with candy cane.

VISA IS THE TOOTH FAIRY, WHO PAYS NEDDY'S DENTIST BILLS

Neddy had bad tooth decay,

But, he ate his candy, anyway,

When his front tooth popped out,

Neddy had not, any doubt,

He had to see a dentist, and max his credit card to pay.

APPLES IS FOR PIGS, PIGS IS FOR DINOSAURS

My dinosaur was accused of eating the neighbor's apple pie,

But, my dinosaur is a carnivore, and eating fruit ain't fly,

Now my dino sits in jail,

I got no money for his bail,

I hope they feed him lots of pigs, without pig meat he will cry.

400 HIPPOS

400 hippos escaped from the zoo,

They took over Lake Erie, and a river or two,

They demanded rights,

Like no performing in tights,

Then the hippos were happy, because they had gotten their due.

THE BONE THAT I FOUND

A dinosaur bone I dug up under my swing,

I did so by doing that swish footie thing,

And, because of the bone that I found,

I'm an official rock hound,

Although, the bone was really from a fried chicken wing.

JIM GAVE HIS GIRLFRIEND KISSES AND HUGS

Jim gave his girlfriend kisses and hugs,

She claims Jim gave her ringworm and bugs,

So, who to believe?

Did either deceive?

Or, were the beasties in the blankets and rugs.

THE PANDA PHILOSOPHY

Panda's name was Panda Pete,

Panda Pete liked to eat and eat,

Panda Pete liked new friends to meet,

Panda Pete liked to watch the street,

Panda Pete saw the stars, as neat.

PAULA THE PYTHON LIVED IN MY BATHTUB

Paula the python lived in my bathtub,
She was a poor pet but gave a great neck rub,
She liked to tease,
By giving me a tight neck squeeze,
But, she had high cholesterol and I was too fatty for grub.

THE OLD RED CEDAR

The old red cedar stood still in the swamp,

It's roots were so gnarled the cedar couldn't romp,

But, many laurels it had earned,

For over a century it had learned,

Standing still gains more respect than if you stomp.
 

MY FINGERS HURT

My fingers got soar playing piano keys,

Then I burned them real good drinking cups of hot teas,

Hurt fingers I had,

But, next came the real bad,

I stuck my fingers in a hole, and got molested by bees.

THERE WERE THREE BAD LITTLE PIGS

There were three bad little pigs,
They liked to suck upon their cigs,
When the wolf came round,
 They ran breathless town bound,
The wolf got them before reaching their digs.

THE COURT WANTS ALL MY GREEN

Four unpaid tickets and to jail I go,
When I get out?  I do not know,
The town court wants all my green,
While jobs I'm in-between,
When I get out, from town I'll blow.

THERE ONCE WAS A BIG BUCK-LIMERICK

There once was a big buck white tailed deer,
During hunting season he had nothing to fear,
He dressed up in hunting gear,
His breath smelled like beer,
No hunters knew the big buck was so near.

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THE MR. MUGGER TALE

Mr. Mugger had some debt,
He had bills he could not pay,
He figured he was really set,
‘Till he lost his job one day,

Mr. Mugger lost his house,
He even lost his car,
He only had his darling spouse,
She met another at a bar,

Mr. Mugger sat on a rock,
That overlooked the bay,
Mr. Mugger didn’t own a sock,
His feet got cold that day,

His belly growled really loud,
He had no money to eat,
He had sold his socks and overcoat,
He was living on the street,

Mr. Mugger turned to crime,
He figured he had nothing to loose,
But, when he got a little cash,
He just spent it all on booze,

Mr. Mugger ended up in jail,
That is the place he really should be,
With three squares how could he fail?
Better warm and full than free.

FROM MOSS TO SNOW TO GLOW

My trailer's room is covered with snow,
So, up there no more moss will grow,
Now, the whole thing's a toss,
I've got snow but no moss,
And, moonlight spanks my roof with a glow.

MUSIC IS MAKING ME SKINNY

The night is full of noisy loons,

Some play drums, the others, bassoons,

But, I heaved my crumpets,

When I heard the trumpets,

Their encore, lost me my macaroons. 

I CREATE CONSPIRACY THEORIES, BECAUSE I AM EVIL AND MEAN

I love spreading conspiracy theories,

They scare both enemies and dearies,

"Spaceships invade,"

"There's a Bigfoot parade,"

Just say it, there's no need for queries

STACKS OF SNACKS PLAN, GOES AWRY

Jimbo liked his potato snack,

He bought them by the case to stack,

But, then one day,

A flood took them away,

Now, the snacks feed the critters that go "quack, quack".

MARY LOVED EATING CRAWDADS

Mary loved eating crawdads,

She found them in rivers under stumps,

But, if she ate too many crawdads,

Her hands swelled up with bumps,

When Mary ate lots of crawdads,

She became sweaty and quite wheezy,

Then, her throat would greatly swell up,

And, her food did not go down so easy,

So, Mary quit eating crawdads,

She now eats just tadpoles,

She figures whether it's amphibians or crustaceans,

Their flesh tastes great as does their souls.

THE ROAD BUMP HAIKU

Road bump, Muffler gone,
Loud noise, lights, police, ticket,
Expensive fix, broke.

BARRY HAD AN OCTOPUS

Barry had an octopus, he kept out in his ditch,

Every Sunday the puss would sing, it had near perfect pitch,

The puss sang in church choir,

Only two octaves higher,

The octopus was a pretty thing, and married Rev. Mitch.

FISHING FOR GIANTS

I was fishing for this giant fish, I named Mabel,

She was two times longer than my dinning room table,

I hooked her on line,

And, all was just fine,

Until, I was ate by her big brother, Clark Gable. 

PET FOOD

I had a pet pheasant named Manzy,

She laid eggs for my fry panzy,

When she found out what I did,

Her eggs she done hid,

But, roast pheasnt, I am big fanzy.

A TATER BUG LIMERICK OR TWO

The tater bug is quite the charmer,
Unless, you are a tater farmer,
Then you pickety pick,
Until you're tater bug sick,
Tater bug spotting is quite an alarmer.

Some eat tater bugs for lunch,
Or, they mash them up for cider punch,
But, I can conceive,
Of a tater bug heave,
And, when they come up they still have a crunch.

　

MY FLIPPED CRUISE SHIP TRIP DIP

I went sailing on a mighty cruise ship,
It hit a rock and started to tip,
The ship flipped and it dove,
Into the bottom it drove,
And, the passengers all took a dip.
 

MR. PURSE DRIVES A HEARSE

There was an old fella named Mr. Purse,
He worked every Tuesday driving a hearse,
He ran clear off the road,
Out the back went his load,
Seems old Purse had hit the reverse.

Mr. Purse drove a hearse for the dead,
From the parlor to the graveyard he tread,
He drove really bad,
Many accidents he had,
"It's good you only die once", people said.

MY PSYCHIC TELLS ME

My psychic told me not to eat out tonight,
She said if I did I’d go blind; lose my sight,
So, I made dinner at my house,
Ate some tainted pheasant and grouse,
I had my stomach pumped, and I’m still not alright.

MY PSYCHIC TELLS ME

Because I have been a very bad boy,

My psychic predicts, no afterlife joy,

Mildew, fungi and molds,

My afterlife unfolds,

Just like how they found uncle Roy.

BEES IN THE BUNKER FREEZE BRAINS

I was down in the bunker, and was attacked by three bees,

One flew in my ear, the others attacked my weak knees,

I fell to the floor, 

And what is worse, more,

The bee bite in my ear gave me a brain freeze.

LEON THE TOAD GOT EVEN

Leon the toad, got bit by a big tick,

That made Leon the toad, incredibly sick,

The internet thought funny,

When Leon became runny,

So, Leon bought the internet, and made it die quick.

SPEEDY

It was often, almost never said,

That anyone worked as slow as our Fred,

He worked so slow,

Didn't start or go,

But he'd smile, when he drank and got fed.

I LOVED MY BIRDIE

I loved my birdie, more than I loved my mommy named Flo, 

Mommy left his cage door open, and out birdie did go,

He flew fast and away,

Where he went, I can't say,

I was so.mad at mommy, I told my daddy named Beau. 

A HARD, HARD GUMMY, IS NOT A GOOD YUMMY

It was partly in the local news,

That batch of gummies, no good for chews,

Gummies hard as steel,

Not tender like veal,

Why so hard? No one has clues.

THE SAD, BILLIONAIRE TOAD

Leon's rockets would almost always explode,

Because he didn't understand physics and weight load,

Many laughed and saw funny,

But Leon's eyeballs got runny,

People were mean to the billionaire toad.

MY PEACOCK CAME FROM MARS II

My pet peacock believes that he comes from Mars,
I think he spends too much time in bars,
He staggers home late at night,
Unable to gain flight,
Somehow, he isn’t hit by any cars. 

MY BAD ROOMMATES

I used to have some really decent digs,
Then, my roommates moved in and they were pigs,
The bathroom was obscene,
Yet, they still were unclean,
And, from my gin bottle they took constant swigs.

THE 200 VLOGGERS

200 vloggers went to the video store,

They bought video cameras, that kind of stuff and more,

Then, they all went to dine,

And, drank fancy, fruity wine,

Next, the 200 vloggers, for viewers, went to war.

SUNTAN WITH A CRAYON

No matter what poor Karen couldn't tan,
So, she tried drawing one on with a crayon,
She couldn't get the right hue,
So, she just crayoned herself blue,
Now, she matches the color of her minivan.

THE WHERE DO TUNA FISH COME FROM LIMERICK

There was a small sunfish named Ray,
He lived way out in the great bay,
He fell in love with a blue whale,
Named Darlene Abigail,
And that's where tuna fish come from, they say.

MY CANTANKEROUS BAT

I have a cantankerous bat,
He thinks he's special but, he just ain't all that,
He gave me a chronic case of scabies,
With an acute case of rabies,
And, he pees on my good stocking hat.

JAMIE IS A BAD RED SQUIRREL

Jamie was a red squirrel, who had a mind of cut-throat reason,

Jamie's mind decided that with the fox he'd commit some treason,

So for a nut total of just eight,

Jamie opened the squirrel gate,

The fox got enough squirrel meat to last him the winter season.

BOB'S POOR CAREER CHOICE

Bob works as a cardboard box bailer,

They bail the boxes from parks called trailer,

Bob bores, bailing box after box,

Worse than caffeine detox,

Wished he'd had the frank to become a mercantile sailor.

I VISITED MY NEIGHBORS DOWNSTAIRS

There was a clog in my kitchen sink drain,
While under my sink the pipes leaked stinky rain,
Then, my floorboards got soft,
And, I plunged down from my loft,
To visit neighbors who asked me to explain.

DULLES SMARTS ALONE

Dulles had an IQ over 180,

He could never find a best matey,

Humans would kiss and squirm,

Like a non-tactical worm,

Like the ones Dulles used for fish-baitey.

U ARE WHAT U EAT

I eat so many chippers and kippers,

I'm growing roots and a nice set of flippers,

Chips and kips is all I eat,

Never touch red/white meat,

Or beans that give folks smelly rippers.  

WHEN THE OCEANS BOILED AWAY LIMERICK

The oceans all boiled away,

Where they went no one can say,

A world that's hotter, 

Without any water,

Is a place I'm not going to stay.

BARRY WAS SO SKINNY THAT HE LOVED THE EXTREME HEAT

Barry was really young and very skinny,

So to him, the extreme heat was a winny,

His parents would whine,

But, Barry felt extra fine,

Until, while swimming a shark bit off his finny.

I JUST WANTED TO UNLOAD MY FISH CATCH AT THE QUAY

I wanted to unload my fish catch up at the quay,
But the harbor master said I should stay far away,
He said my fish were stinking up the town,
My boat should be sunk down,
And that’s where my fish catch should stay.

THE BALLAD OF RICHIE AVOID

With Richie, I am quite annoyed,

For where I locate, he will avoid,

He has someone brand new,

So I'm sad, boohoo blue,

When crossing paths, he treats me like a roid.

ADULT BEANS, OR SUBMARINES

I was growing some big people's beans,

They grow four inches long, off their greens,

They are hard as oak wood,

If you can chew them, they're good,

If you can't, use them for toy submarines.

BOB PLAYED WITH SKUNKS, A CAUTIONARY TALE

Bob went to Newberry to see his cousin's skunk babies,

They were cute little stinkers, but they gave Bob the scabies,

Mange in his underwear,

And, a cute skunk called Pierre,

Bit Bob on the bum;  Bob needed shots for the rabies.