ANIMAL JOKES

Joke: How many 12 inch fish are in a foot?
Answer: Feet don't have fish in them so there are zero fish in a foot.

Joke: If 40 birds are sitting in a tree and ten of them are chirping, 15 of them are quiet and 15 of them are standing on one leg then, how many of them are flying?
Answer: All forty birds are sitting in a tree so none of them are flying.

MY MANGLED MANDOLIN MADE MILLIONS

My mandolin got mangled when it fell out the back of my pickup truck,
And, although I didn't feel lucky the driver behind me had worse luck,
But, it's hard for me to grieve,
For that driver, I'll call Steve,
He suffered only mild injuries and won ten million plus one buck.

BEWARE THE FERAL DOG

There are feral dogs out in the dark,

I know they're there because I hear them bark,

When they bite it's an ouch,

A month to recover on the couch,

If your throat they nip, then it's cemetery park.

THE FLYING FISH IN THE EYE LIMERICK

A flying fish stabbed me deep in my eye,
Of course it made me wail and then cry,
The many tears were ill spent,
For fish loved saltwater scent,
So, into my face many fishes did fly.

MY SHOTGUN EXPLODED IN MY FACE

My shotgun exploded in my face,
Even though, I had duct tape in place,
And, just like last year,
The explosion scared off the deer,
Maybe, a new shotgun will draw me an ace.

MY POKY-STICK AND THE BEARS

For fun I'd go looking for bears,

I'd poke them with a stick for some dares,

But, one bear had a trick,

He broke my poky-stick,

Then he ate me and coughed up my hairs.

GORDO THE GOLDFISH LIMERICK AND POEM

Poem
Gordo the goldfish grew a full set of teeth,
He then ate his companions Julie and Keith,
He sharpened his teeth on a fake coral reef,
While eyeing the table where sat a roast beef.

 Limerick

Gordo the goldfish won't eat fish food, dried flies,
The roast beef on the table is where his heart lies,
But, he can't jump out of his bowl,
For someone covered the hole,
So, he stares out at the roast beef and cries.

 

GETTING EDUCATED TO KEEP MY JOB

My boss told me I was a complete fool,

My boss sent me back to junior high school,

All I said was, "duh",

In a class called algebra,

And, I was made fun of, because I tend to drool.

THERE ONCE WAS A SAILOR NAMED GREG

There once was a sailor named Greg,
He sat down really hard on his leg,
His eyes filled with tears,
As his mateys yelled jeers,
For Greg's leg was a hickory peg.
   

THE GREAT SHELLED LIZARD IN SKEDGEMOG LAKE

The great shelled lizard in Skedgemog lake,

He's a snapping turtle they say,

The souls of swimmers and boaters he'll take,

While, on the bottom he lay,

You cannot out swim him,

Or, harm him with the longest knife,

For once that turtle sees you,

He will snap away your life,

So, rowing out beneath the moon,

Feeling safe in your little row boat,

You spot a monster swimming near,

And, a lump grows in your throat,

The monster veers towards you with open jaws,

Then, cuts in half your boat,

The monster cuts your belly with his claws,

Then, you struggle to stay afloat,

The monster comes towards you from below,

You can't see him but, you know he's there,

How to escape you do not know,

So, well thee will not fare,

Then, the brutal pain,

As he chomps upon your bones,

And, all that's on your brain,

Are your terrors, your screams, your moans,

Old Skeggy they call the creature,

The monster in Skedgemog Lake,

He is the lake's most famous feature,

Then, it's the rattlesnake yearly bake.

THE COLD-SHOCK-QUICKIE

When it gets really hot and really sticky,
All jump into the pool for a cold-shock-quickie,
But, going from hot, hot to cold, cold,
Should be only for the real bold,
For the rest will scream and become sickie.  

THE TURTLE FOOT FALSETTO

Billy had turtle feet,

He couldn't dance to a beat,

German opera he could sing,

A falsetto voice, he'd make ring,

Provided Billy had plenty to eat. 

THERE WAS A MONSTER FROM MARS

There was a monster named Lucky, from mars,
He liked fancy beer and fast cars,
When he was driving too fast,
His luck did not last,
Now, the monster sits behind prison bars.

WHY MY RESTAURANT FAILED

Donny the cook had bugs climb up his snout,
But, he didn't know that he could just blow them right out,
So he used his finger,
And left it to linger,
Which caused my customers to all walk out.  

BIG KEEPER FISH AND THE FUTURE

The big fish that are keepers,

Run in the waters that are deepers,

In the shallows you'll only find logs,

And, you'll catch two dollar frogs,

So, we are the reapers,

Of the cheap protein creepers,

So, tomorrow we eat our cats and our dogs.

THE PREENER

My buddy Birdie liked to preen,

Birdie was a preening machine,

No matter what the weather,

Every Birdie feather,

Was pecked free of lice, and then licked clean.

WHY ARE THE WITCHES IN THE WOODS?

Boil, boil my plum pudding,

A witch's brew when a coven's hooding,

A sacrifice in the woods,

A farmer's live goods,

On the lot the farm keeps for wooding,

Under a full moon but, when no stars light,

Dire times so, seems the service right,

The crops have failed,

Money lenders bailed,

Resources are dear and tight,

The coven calls back to the past,

To a dead religion who's honors last,

Before paradise gates,

With mansions, no hates,

But, harms fates resolve now, fast,

Desperate are the times that linger,

As freezing black then, lost each finger,

While starving pain,

Makes a focused brain,

Listening to a fallen singer.

  

  

BOXED CHICKEN

The chicken I ate came cut into many parts,

It was boxed and sold in one of those grocery marts,

I was so glad,

The chicken didn't taste so bad,

Just wished the box included liver, gizzards, hearts.

THE WIND CHILL IS NO FRIEND OF MINE

The wind chill is no friend of mine,

It's taken my pet rats since I was nine,

It's caused me to freeze and blister,

And, to rat out my older sister,

Because, she shoves me outdoors when I whine.

MY DEER DECISION

I decided not to go out and hunt any deer,
My blind didn't have cable and just one rabbit ear,
So, at home I watched cable,
And, dined on my coffee table,
While, drinking bottles and bottles of beer.

BROKE BEAK PENGUIN

My penguin Ben came home with a broke beak,

He had a big fight with his cousin named Zeek,

They fought over a dead fish,

Ben said came from his tin dish,

My penguin Ben said his coz was a sneak.

ITCHY RICHEY AND MY KITTY

I  had this fish, his name was Richie,

He complained that he was itchy,

The cat offered a claw,

Gave Ritchie a naw,

Now my Ritchie is really twitchy. 

THE PLANT SPIRIT

I just met the ghost of a red daffodil,

It use to live way up on this hill,

But a chipmunk, who was rude,

Thought the daffodil was food,

The daffodils' spirit wanders the hill still.

TRY NOT TO SLEEP SO MUCH THIS YEAR

Try not to sleep so much this year,
For each hour you snore you're end draws near,
Better stay mostly awake,
All the awake you can take,
For at the end awake time is dear.  

THE EATER OF BUGS LIMERICK

There was a praying mantis named Sid,
Now old Sid stayed perfectly hid,
When a bug came along,
It had sung it's last song,
Then, Sid could feed his mom, wife and kid.

FOUR LITTLE QUARTERS: MY SAVINGS AND CRAVINGS

Four little quarters I dropped into my coin bank,
They jingled and rattled while to the bottom they sank,
They were my life's savings,
I spent the rest on my cravings,
I always ate out, went to sports bars and drank.

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? III

From an alien world the entity came,
It crawled up Ed's nose to feed, oh shame,
Then, from this alien scorn,
Many babies were born,
Vicious carnivores that no one could tame.

THE BABOON ROMANTIC LIMERICK

Henry was a baboon,
He just loved most of all the new moon,
His girlfriend Nancy,
For Hank had a fancy,
They would sit in their tree and just spoon.

WHEN TIMES GET TOUGH

When times get rough I eat pinecones,

I check the highway for bleached white bones,

Then I make my cobwebs stew

Though the ingredients are few,

The stew I serve with my acorn flour scones.

I CALENDER COUNT ONLY NICE DAYS

I try to forget every cold, sunless day,

And, it's almost the first day of May,

But, this year I remember just one, 

Warm day with bright sun,

So, the first day of this year it will stay.

A BEAR AND A BIGFOOT WALKED INTO A PUB LIMERICK

A bear and a Bigfoot walked into a pub,
They each ordered a beer and a plate full of grub,
The bear finished his food fast,
The Bigfoot made his food last,
The bear was still hungry because he was a tub.

THE IN-GROWN TOE NAIL

Vic had a toe nail that grew into his toe,
He suffered with pain and all kinds of woe,
He took out a hammer,
Gave a toe a good bammer,
The pain was worse, but how could Vic know?

Vic had an in-grown toe nail,
It hurt and Vic gave a big wail,
His pain was so great,
He cancelled his date,
His girlfriend left; what a sad tale.

BUDDY GOES DITCH DIVING

Buddy got a bad, bad itch,

From wading in a runoff ditch,

I hate to much dwell,

On Buddy's chemical smell,

But it made his eyes go twitch, twitch, twitch.

DECEMBER FULL MOON

It's a happy afternoon,
Under December's big full moon,
We don't have much of day,
It's too cold to care anyway,
The day grows even shorter soon,
That makes saneness seem a loon,

There is plenty more to do,
Though the year is more than through,
The year is slipping all away,
No reliving any day,
For all those passing we will pray,
Though their memories fade away,

As the year comes to a close,
We count our triumphs and our woes,
Our beginning confidence,
All scarred by barbed and razor fence,
Defeat is what keeps us on our toes,
Next year we may enter and not leave,who knows.

I'M FROM PARTS UNKNOWN

The doctor said I was made of parts unknown,

He said I had cartilage where I should have had bone,

My blood was not red,

More a mauve color he said,

And, my heart was a big granite stone.

TEACH + BLEACH = DIRT NAP, NOT BEACH

Politicians I look to all forcefully teach,

You can solve most of your problems with a gallon of bleach,

So, that's what I tried,

Drank their cocktail and died,

Should have just hung out with crowds at the beach.

FLIP THE SHIP

My little, tiny, teeny ship,
Twelve feet of metal and the side had a rip,
I just left the dock,
A wave made my ship rock,
Then over, my ship made a flip. 

SOCIAL MEDIA, I'M NOT ALL THERE

I have been banned from all social media on earth,

All my comments are deleted, from my death back until my birth,

I guess I'll have a munch,

Mostly candy bars for lunch,

I can't gain social media followers, but I increase my girth.

MUSK

I had this friend named Musk,

He had a tooth that stuck out like a tusk,

He drank Ovaltine,

Until his ears turned bright green,

He loved corn🌽, but only the husk,

SKUM, THE RICHEST PERSON ALIVE

Leon Skum was the richest man alive,

He lived in a mansion; his workers lived in a dive,

Leon was very happy,

Making the lives of poor folks crappy,

He would make them so.miserable, that soon they weren't alive.

MY EYES GO BLINK

My chocolate diet drink,

I dumped it down the sink,

It tasted like pen ink,

It made my eyes go blink,

And my bulging eyeballs pink.

JUNGLE DOT LIVES ON MY LOT

Jungle Dot lives on my lot and hides in the backyard yews,

Jungle Dot thought the indoors was rot when she hit her terrible twos,

Now, Jungle Dot may have abandoned her room,

But, when the storms come, inside she will zoom,

Then, she's Dorothy the kid with window yew views.

FROSTING AND THE BEAR ON SKATES

I spotted a bear on ice skates come zooming from across the lake,

He eyed me as I stuffed my mouth with frosting covered cake,

So I dropped my cake and fled,

With hope I would not soon be dead,

The bear stoped to lick off the frosting, so my soul he did not take.

MY LITTLE FISH FARM LIMERICK

My little fish farm sprang a big leak,
Then all my fish washed down to the creek,
Away went my mammon, 
Of fresh farm raised salmon,
Now my dinners will be very meek.

ICE FISH TO FIT MY PAN AND DISH

I only keep the little fish,

Because they fit my pan and dish,

I fish out on the ice,

Each week I go twice,

At least till the hard ice goes squish.

"I HAVE TRINKETS FOR SALE, BEEP BEEP"

I bought a box of trinkets, cheap,

I bought them from a a trinkets creep,

His voice was all nasal,

His breath smelled of witch hazel,

He ended every sentence with "beep, beep".

IT IS JANUARY ONE, ONE

Today is January One, One,

I am so glad last year is done, done,

I got Covid disease,

Got bit by sand fleas,

This year, Nuclear war sounds fun, fun.

GRIEVE AND HEAVE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE

The big ball was dropped on New Year's Eve,🕛🎉🎉🎉🔔

It crushed a guy below, named Steve,🚶

There was not time for us to grieve,😢

The drinks were gone, and it was time to leave,🍷🍸🍹🍻

We all went home to have a heave.   🚽

WARNING: BUTTERMILK DOES NOT COME FROM BUTTERFLIES

I tried to milk some buttermilk from butterflies who flied,

But I did not get no buttermilk, and all the butterflies died,

Woe is me,

I should have set them free,

At their memorial I cried and cried.

,

BETTER LUCK IN 2023

On the Eve of New Year's, I went beddybye,

It was long before midnight so, I missed the old year die,

But it was year of bad dealings,

So I had no feelings,

Save that next year will not go awry.

END OF YEAR AIR TRAFFIC BOOHOO

It's the end for 2022,

Boohoo, boohoo,

No use to fret and stew,

Not much one can do,

But figure out which airlines, that we need to sue.

2022, THE YEAR OF CHANGE

I need to change in the year 2022,

Or it will be another year that I truly rue,

I'll paint my bedroom blue,

Buy all my sweats brand new,

And hang out at classy places with a better smelling crew,

I FED MY PET UNTIL I WAS INSANE

I once had a pet  blood sucker named Pete,

Only my blood Pete would eat,

And as Pete grew much fatter,

I became mad as a hatter,

Lack of blood caused my brain to delete.

MONSTERS GET YOY

We know where the monsters are, they living out in your sleep,

And if you do not keep awake, they will make your kinfolk weep,

The monsters are scary,

All big and all hairy,

And they can eat you before you go "Beep".

SANTA WHO DRIVES THE SLEIGH, HAS A PRINCETON MBA

Santa made reindeer jerky, after he stored away the sleigh,

Santa made plenty of jerky, enough to feed the elves until May,

Santa made reindeer stew,

With the veggies he grew,

Using retired reindeer, so pension payments went away.

SELF-STICKING FLOOR TILE IS TRICKEY

I bought some floor tile but made the wrong pick,
My self-sticking floor tile didn't want to stick,
So, I got out some glue,
And, when I was through,
I knew self-sticking floor tile required a trick.

SIDE AFFECTS WHEN MAKING MOUTH MASH FOR CASH

There was a little angel, sitting on my toe,

He was scratching his back, on the toenail I let grow,

There was a little devil, sitting on my knee

He whacked my knee with his hatchet, and boy did that hurt me,

And, on my belly sat the prettiest unicorn,

He stabbed my belly deep with his twisted, sharpened horn,

Then in my mouth there was the devil fermenting mash,

He said he'd make it up to me, when he bootlegged his whiskey for some cash.

THE SOUP DECEIT

I limped down the street with my work tired feet,👣

I was looking for a booth with hot soup to eat,🍜

I entered one and got soup,🍵

Like a cold ice cream scoop,🍦

It pained me with brain freeze, and I resent the deceit. 🤕😡😠

TIM BLOWS THE SNOW LIMERICK

Tim blows the snow all winter long,

Wearing heavy cloths and a woolen thong,

He sings a jolly snowblower song,

One might conclude Tim is ding dong,

But if he blows my drive, I'll admit I'm wrong.

REVENGE IS BEST SERVED SALTY

The kitchen boss called me a stup,

A certified nincompoop,

That made me so mad,

I done a real bad,

I poured too much salt into the soup.