I AM WHAT I ATE, SO I STAY HOME

If I were what I eat, I would be a big bow shaped noodle,

That is the food I eat, and I share it with my toy poodle,

I look like a big pimple soar,

I don't consume them, anymore,

I stay in the house, and with crayons and paper, I doodle.

MY FIRST HABOOB

I was caught in my very first major haboob,

I lost all my internet and had no YouTube,

I felt my sad heart race

When there was no MySpace,

I would have played trombone, but I had no slide lube.

THAT GNOME GAVE ME RABIES

I went to the woods to find firewood for home,
There I met a mean, nasty, evil, dumb, old gnome,
I'm not sure which was worse,
His deep bite or his curse,
I got rabies and my mouth is starting to foam.

51722

MY LITTLE TEKKI TORCH

My little tekki torch
I left lit on my porch,
The porch caught fire,
Results were dire,
Nothing survived the scorch.

2122

WHAT BILLY CAN AFFORD

All Billy can afford is noodles, rice and beans,

He has to pick some boogers, if he wants some greens,

Billy went to the great food store,

He was arrested at the door,

Billy tried stealing ham in the crotch of his jeans.

NED HAS HEAD PLUGS

It felt like the fall of mighty Rome,

When Ned lost all the hair on his dome,

At just age twenty-five,

Ned felt barely alive,

He had hair plugs, and scalp treatment foam.

BABOON DATE NIGHT

I opened up a large can of tuna,

I shared it with my cute baboona,

We climbed some trees,

Chewed on some leaves,

We held hands, and stared at the moona.

SUZIE THE SNAPPING TURTLE DID ME IN

There was a snapping turtle named Suzie,
She thought that she would pull a real doosey,
She bit a hole in my wood boat,
Then my boat would not float,
Drowning made me feel really oozey,

11222

TED THE DISGUSTING, LIVES ALONE

The yellowed pillows smelled real nasty, of sweat and decay,

They wreaked of old urine, and had a brown, fecal display,

Although,  divorced from his spouse,

Ted was proud of his house,

He lived alone there for years, in a non-hygienic way. 

12130

SQUIRREL OBLIGATIONS (THE NUT)

The little squirrel had a nut that had grown, so very big,

He had to cut off his cable, and his bad habit, the cig,

He didn't buy new shoes,

And, swore off the booze,

He took overtime at his day job, and looked for a side gig.

ME AND MY MATHS

I really hate doing all of my college prep, maths,

More than taking early morning, cold showers, and baths,

My teach, she grades real hard, so mean,

Reports each mistake, to the dean,

Now, dean's charted me some custodial career paths.

51125

THE BUGS THAT ATE SAMMY FOR S'MORES

Sammy went to the beach and got covered with soars,

The bugs liked him so much, because he tasted like s'mores,

From New Years Eve till that date,

S'mores was all Sammy ate,

And, the taste sweat out through all his pores.

11222

BREAKFAST OF THE BLUEBERRY LOSER

My fresh blueberries, they all ran away,

I had saved them for my cereal day,

My cereal tastes like straw,

And someone's chewed chaw,

And it's gritty, and chews just like hard clay.

61124

MY BELLY AILS FROM FISH BONES AND SCALES

I went ice fishing and caught 3 tiny fish,
I was hungry so I made a Pattie dish,
I left in the bones and on the scales,
The Pattie gave my belly ails,
I should have stayed home, that's what I wish.

2223

THE SONG OF INDIANA

I went over to Indiana, to sing my gramma nana song,

It's about life in the dark heart, hinterland, and stabbing with a prong,

You see, nana jumped her bail,

Yes, dear nana is a fail,

Now she is back in prison, but won't admit, ax murdering is wrong.

KABOOM JACK IS BACK IN SPIRIT.

Jack was in a real dark room, and smelled foul gas, greatly leaking,

Jack decided to light up a match, to go gas leak seeking,

Jack lit up the room,

KABOOMADY BOOM! 

Now at a weekly seance, through mediums, Jack is speaking.

22824

OFFICE WORKER LIMERICK

Pam tapped her black, shiny keyboard, as she typed tippy tap,
Pam sucked down a cola soda, as her earbuds boomed rap,
Pam worked in a law office.
For a lawyer named Crawfice,
Pam filled out legal documents,  with fancy, wordy crap.

1816

THE EYEBALL OOZE NEWS

I like to share all of my good and bad reviews and news,

Like, how fat I am getting, and how long I did snooze,

Today, while I let some fish fry,

Grease spat into my better eye,

It burned through my big, black eyeball, and my eyeball did ooze.   

THE SHEEP KEEPER

I bought me an old country farm to raise me free roaming sheep,

Roaming sheep are so very pretty, and quite easy to keep,

Here is the real deal,

They get a free meal,

But if they get in front of my pickup, they get a beep, beep.

8324

Corn

I raised four generations of corn,

A fifth is yet unborn,

At the first sign of day,

My corn will pop through the clay,

Then the city crop will be born.

LITTLE WIGGINS THE PIG POEMS

Little Wiggins the pig was not very smart,
He borrowed lots of money to buy a go-cart,
Little Wiggins didn't work,
So, like a real jerk,
He didn't pay for his cart from the start.

Little Wiggins the pig lived on a farm,
Little Wiggins the pig did nobody harm,
But, Wiggins ran up some debt,
And, made farmer Joe upset,
Now, Joe wears a pigtail as a charm.

P06302022

A MEANINGLESS, WHIMSICAL PHILOSOPHY

The universe appears eternal, from dawn, to dawn, to dawn, to dawn,

But, when the universe disappears, its life will be a tiny yawn,

So head to mars,

Maybe, the stars,

Eat expensive seafood, like lobster, oysters, crabs, octopus and prawn. 

73024

THE BUG IS THE WINNER, TODAY

There once was a small bug that lived in a tuna tin,

He had a hard shell, and not one bit of living skin,

He stayed clear of the mice,

Ignored the little lice,

Each day the bug survived, the bug considered a win.

THE DEER ATE MY WINTER TRIP TO BARBADOS

I was planning on using my cash earned from potatoes,
To fund my winter trip, to the Marvelous Barbados,
Of course, my potatoes this year,
Have been ate by the big, bad deer,
And, my arthritis  won't let me pick any tomatoes.

P090716

TUNES, TOONS AND BOONES

I went into my parlor to hum a few nifty tunes,

I can hum just like an angel, after watching cartoons,

I hummed some Mozart and Bach,

A little seventies soft rock, 

All while playing with my collection of stuffed, toy baboons.

THE GRIZ AND THE SAUR WENT TO WAR

I looked down from a bridge, and saw a huge dinosaur,

He was fighting a grizzly; it was an animal war,

The big grisly got on top,

Gave old dino-face a bop,

The dinosaur ran away, while the grizzly gave a roar.

82524

DIZZY GUR DOG

There once was a dizzy dog that went "gur",

His " gur" got under the other dogs fur,

More times than just the once,

They called "Gur" Dog a dunce,

When winter came, Gur Dog changed and said "burr".  

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? III

From an alien world the entity came,
It crawled up Ed's nose to feed, oh shame,
Then, from this alien scorn,
Many babies were born,
Vicious carnivores that no one could tame.

1823

THE GOOD NEIGHBOR (NOT)

I bought four used tires for my Chevy pickup truck,

My neighbor had a nail gun, so I was out of luck,

The neighbor punctured each tire,

Set my whole pickup on fire,

I sued him in court, but did not get a single buck.

5524

I WENT TO THE MARKET AND BOUGHT ME SOME TROUT

I went to the market and bought me some trout,
I didn't cook it enough and had a belly-ache bout,
I will never, ever eat fish,
Even, as a side dish,
But, I will eat a pig's feet, ears and, snout. 

6615

I BUILT A CABIN IN A SWAMP

I built a cabin in a swamp,
So, I'd have a place to romp,
I love all the snakes and the bugs,
With them it's kisses and hugs,
But, on the lizards I like to stomp.

102323

THE LAST BOY TO SELL BANANAS

The last boy to sell bananas, sold them on the main city street,

He made money selling bananas, because they are good to eat,

He stole them from daddy's small store,

Then, deliveries came no more,

Bananas had gone extinct, so the boy sold pickled piggy feet.

5324

PEASANT RECIPE FOR STEW, HAGIS AND SCONES, NOT

I once  knew a great big giant, and his name was Marvelous Mel,

He got all his stew meat from the peasants, he caught down in the dell,

He ground and ground their bones,

To make flaky, crisp scones,

He made haggis from their innards, his recipe, he wouldn't tell.

102524

 

GREGG USED A VACUUM TO CLEAN OUT HIS EARS

Gregg used a vacuum to clean out his ears,  
It sucked out his brains and brought his eyes to tears,
Now, just a zombie remains,
As Gregg seeks other's brains,
He should settle for some chips and some beers.

52322
 

AMADEOUS THE SKUNK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
Pining for friends that just were not there.

122814

THE KNIGHTESS AND THE BAD DRAGON

There once was a dragon with the littlest hand,   

He wanted absolute rule over all the land,

But along came a knightess,

Who just did what was rightess,

She chased off the dragon, and the dragon got banned.

91024

MY PICCOLO VS A TRUMPET CARILLON

A trumpet carillon played all through the night,
They kept me awake which started a fight,
But their brass horns hit true,
Making me all black and blue,
And, up my nose my piccolo fit real tight.

121423

HOLIDAY IN PORTUGAL

I went to Portugal to buy some stringy cheese,

While I was there, I bought honey made by some bees,

I ate some cooked, ground pork,

Drank wine; it had a cork,

Ordered a cherry pie, but it had to unfreeze. 

112224

HE WAS A TURTLE, AND THEN HE DIED

I had to kiss my cute turtle goodbye,

After I found out that he could not fly,

I tied him to a kite,

Told him to hang on tight,

But, he bit clear through his strings, then he die.

62725

MY TRUMPETER'S LULLABY SAID, "NIGHT, NIGHT", LONG AGO

I stored away my trumpet, for the last thirteen odd years,

I got it out to play, but it just made noise to my ears,

My lips are all soft blubber,

And my tongue, solid rubber,

I did sound much better after I drank one million beers.

81425

TWO TURTLES LIVED IN A TWO TURTLE TENT

Two turtles lived in a two turtle tent,

In a primeval forest where a tent was low rent,

Then, along came a snake,

Who made a delicious turtle bake,

Which he shared with kind who were bent.

P09272023

SAMMY GAPES THE TEETH

Sammy was a dental hygienist, who practiced poor hygiene,

And Sammy's  jaw was so soar, it made Sammy real, real mean,

On your teeth, Sammy would dig and scrape,

Until between your teeth there was a gape,

Sammy's had big troubles, after he gaped the tooths of our fab queen.

GORE: THE CREATURES IN THE CRACKS

I told Vincent to never again, lock the bathroom door,

I said monsters hid within the cracks, in the tile floor,

Vincent never locked it for the next, two days,

The third day he locked it, now, the preacher prays,

The person who found Vincent, described the bathroom as, "gore".

 

THE SQUIRREL HAD TO MAKE HIS NUT

The squirrel had to make his nut, and his nut was at the top of the big tree,

The squirrel had to pay all his bills, because the life of a squirrel, ain't free,

A quick climb up the big pine,

The squirrel would be debt fine,

The squirrel slipped, and fell from the tree top, now a big hospital nut, has he.

OOH, OOH ECONOMY

I just realized that I am in an "ooh, ooh" economy,

It feels worse than when I had my court ordered lobotomy,

Rib roast prices are too high,

My little lamb chops, I can't buy, 

All food prices must be  low, I think that's Deuteronomy.

MATHS, PATHS, TOILETS AND DOGGY BATHS

My school guidance councillor, says I have no ability, to use the maths,

He said I'd do better, working at a job with limited career paths,

He said, I could clean toilets and sweep big floors,

At a fancy hotel, I could open  doors, 

I could get a better job grooming pets, then giving them their daily baths.

I'M GOING TO SQUIRREL

I am going to squirrel away some money, so when the world don't do so well,

I'll still have a little food to eat, and in my apartment, I'll continue to dwell,

When the economy shrinks,

Working out the complex kinks,

I can be an obese, old hermit, eating roasted lamb, bathed in expensive, mint jell.

EGGS AND FINGERS

Newly dropped eggs, I sometimes glean,

It makes mama chickens freak, mean,

They peck my fingers,

Their peck pain lingers,

Causing swelling, inside my bean.

THE KID WITH SQUARE HAIR

I have really rare pedigree hair,

Its curls each grow into a square,

Some say it looks pretty,

Others, give me pity,

My big sister has straight, purple hair.

TREASURE FOUND IN THE TENTER WOODS

The big leaves were soft and gentle; a toilet paper we got for free,

We bagged it up and sold each 5 lb. bag, for $29.93,

My family made money,

Our bleak lives became sunny,

We were a family of centers, who found vast riches that were free.

A CRAWDAD MAY EAT YOUR FACE

My giant, pet crawdad was a monster, and he ate my face,

I tried to pull him off, by spraying his beady eyes with mace,

Then he ate off my little ears,

I had no face, I had no tears,

He clawed out my weak heart; finished me off, then he owned my place.

I'LL BE ALIVE, OR I'LL SLEEP FEEDING WORMS

When things look most, terribly bad,

I don't just mope around, real sad,

When things are at their worst,

I always panic first,

When it's over, I'm dead or glad.

7322

TATERS LEAVE A TRAIL OF PANS

Everyday, it is fried taters in the morning, and a fry pan in the big sink,

Now, my sink is so full of fry pans, I can't maneuver a glass around for a drink,

Doing dishes?  I'm on a delay,

It's complete length?  I cannot yet, say,

Maybe I'll move to another apartment, and start a new fry pan pile, wink, wink.

I INVENTED THIN MEATS

I had a short vlog and I named him, Tim,

It showed how to use a Jungle Gym,

I made so much new money, 

I bought a wife, named Bunny,

I invented meat sticks, ones that are thin.

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF RANDY SHORT BEARD

Randy's beard was too short, so they sent him away,

To the tribe of short beards, who work with the clay,

Randy painted clay pots,

With big dark, purple spots,

That is what Randy did, until his dying day.

MARCHING BAND TIME

The hometown band was marching extremely, way crazy fast,

Their scheduled halftime show, would surly, not properly last,

The drum major slowed them all down,

Twirling his baton up and down,

That performance, everyone was glad, was in the past.

WHEN I FACE KELLY, I HAVE PAIN

Sugarcane Kelly eats only the finest, sugarcane,

She always claims it helps to feed her, growing, supreme brain,

I fed her saccharine sweets,

On my face, her fists, she beats,

Kelly's brain stoped growing, but my face has increasing pain.

A

THE FOUR CHICKENS IN THE SEA

Four little chickens were swimming in the blue sea,

One got a cramped leg, it drowned, then there were just three,

When a monster swallowed two,

The fourth chicken paddled through,

The last swimming chicken, got home to New Guinea.

SIXTY BUGS MAKES STEW

It takes sixty bugs to make bubble bug stew,

You can add a few more, like the Pilgrims do,

Sea salt, to preferred taste,

Won't add pounds to the waist,

Add a few potatoes, and it's woo, woo woo. 

DICK AND HIS VOW

I had a jubilant green dragon, named Dick,

He would guzzle colas until he got sick,

Dick.vowed to give up the drink,

While puking in the clean sink,

The next day, Dick forgot his vow really quick.