WORMS AND BUGS AND PORK AND BEANS, I SCHEMED

I have been looking for pork sausage all day,

It's pricey, and I can't cover it with my low pay,

But with worms and katydids

I'll ground sausage for the kids,

I schemed me pork and beans, but it gang aft a-gley.

PARTYING WITH THE SUPERNATURALS

When the hobgoblins were about to sing,

I knew the elf evils would do their thing,

It was sort of a dance,

Maybe, more of a prance,

Then the black bell in the gnome cathedral, would ring.

MY SISTER GIVES HAIRCUTS

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear,
She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer,
Or when she gets through,
You'll know nightmares come true,
Unless,  away from your reflection you steer.

TODD BOUGHT A CASTLE LIMERICK

                                         
Todd bought an old castle big and gray,                       But, it was drafty and dirty so, his wife wouldn't stay,   She rode off with the horse,                                         The two got a divorce,                                            Now, Todd has castle parties all night and all day.

THREE LITTLE SHREWS

There were three little shrews,
They tried wearing each others shoes,
One shrew’s feet were too fat,
Another shrew’s feet were flat,
The third shoved size four feet into twos.

DEMON SIT

There were old devils in the pit,

And they were taken a demon sit,

They cast their spells,

On Cosmic elves,

Then once done, they split.

THE CHICKEN COUP RETIREMENT FUND

I have a chicken coup full of trash bags, full of cans,

It's my retirement, and I have really big plans,

Down at the town called Old Hollars,

I'll convert them to a fist full of dollars,

Then I'll buy me a new set of pans.

SQUIRREL POX AND THE EMPIRE OF SQUIRREL

The squirrels took over the world,

They spread disease, and all humans hurled,

The plague did humans in,

It was biology, not sin,

With humans gone, the squirrel flag was unfurled.

I CAUGHT SOME PHOTONS WITH MY NOSE

I caught some photons on my nose,

They burned real bad like no one knows,

My sunscreen failed,

The SPF bailed,

Now I suffer with nose woes.

PETER PAM, FRIEND FAILURE

In high school I knew Peter Pam,

He got good grades because for tests he'd cram,

But when it came to being nice,

His comments would deep slice,

So he got an "F" on the friendship exam.

HOW DICK AND SALLY EAT

Sally was an herbivore,
She ate bark and twigs and leaves,
She tried eating a wild boar,
That gave her stomach heaves,

Her boyfriend Dick really loved to eat,
He ate until his belly was soar,
But, Dick ate no plant food, he only ate meat,
Dick was a raging carnivore,

When Dick and Sally had a son,
Both of their feelings were slightly tore,
They were glad their child was having fun,
But, he was a voracious omnivore.

A JOB OR A DITCH, I MUST CHOOSE WHICH

Slushy snow is all I know, and the world has turned to ice,

On icy roads I cannot go for my tires have caught ditches thrice,

I'll soon be on skidrow,

If I pay for one more tow,

But, if I skip work I'll suffer woe since my boss is not so nice.

MY DEER HUNTING RIFLE WOULD NOT SHOOT

My deer hunting rifle would not shoot,
When I pulled the trigger it went "Toot!  Toot!"
So, I guess this year,
I'll just drink beer,
And, earn my title as an old coot.

MY RIVER DANCE

I went to do a river dance, and I almost drowned,

The river swept me off my feet, and twisted me round and round,

Then when I thought my body was free,

I was 14 miles out to sea,

I screamed and hollered until sharks came, when they left I made no sound.

DIRT NAP OR MASK

I didn't wear a mask because I didn't believe in germs,

Now, I'm down in the ground feeding all kinds of worms,

My new ghost has one task,

To preach, "Wear A Mask,

For dirt naps are a sentence with infinity terms."

I MISS MY ST. BERNARD

I saw a little cougar,
Playing in my yard, 
He only weighed 200 pounds,
But, he ate my St. Bernard,

I miss my great big dog,
I'm serious you see,
Because now that my dog is gone,
The cougar is eating me.  

THERE WAS A SPIDER NAMED NELLIE

There once was a spider named Nellie,
She liked to eat toast with her jelly,
The home owners went away,
She ate toast and jelly all day,
That's why she has a big belly.

MY PET GOLDFISH AND MY SOUL

Rita was my pet fish,

She lived in my pet fish bowl,

And, although Rita was just a goldfish,

She was mated to my soul,

Rita lived in just a fish bowl,

But, to Rita it was a sea,

And, Rita only had to show those big fish eyes,

To get most anything from me,

I bought Rita lots of play toys,

Like a plastic clam and a porcelain bell,

I even bought her a harmonica,

And, she learned to play it well,

Then, one day Rita passed away,

She got stuck in the porcelain bell,

And, I had a tiny fish fry,

Then, Rita's things I had to sell.

ODE TO THE CHOCOLATE GLAZED DOUGHNUT

My dearest doughnut all chocolate glazed,
Missing you has made me crazed,
Powdered sugar and sprinkles,
Won't smooth out doughnut wrinkles,
Chocolate glaze is what has me amazed.

I FLOCKED MY GRANDFATHER CLOCK, AN INVESTMENT POEM

I was at the end of my dock,

When I knocked over my grandfather clock,

It feel on some ducks in a flock,

They climbed up onto a rock,

And sang a chorus of Bach,

It was me they were trying to mock,

So I went home and did a short sale of stock.

I'M DECEAST

I have this big pet beast,

And he's expecting a big feast,

But all I have is yeast,

That's what he likes the least,

He ate me, now I'm deceast.

I STOOD UP TO A TOAD AND GOT GRILLED

I was standing toe to toad,

Out in the center of the road,

Then along came a semi,

On it's grill, I'm a stuck guy,

I'm sure the toad is in a ha, ha, ha mode.

The Little Tit Did Mozart's Magic

The little tit had it's toot,

Chirping out The Magic Flute,

It did not depart

From original Mozart,

But the owl didn't give a hoot.

THE UNDER-THE-BED BOOGIEMAN LIMERICK

There is a nasty boogieman who lives under my bed,

He likes to chew on my old shoes and bop me in the head,

I know he is a dirty stinker,

But he's friends with my blabby cat, Tinker,

So to keep peace I keep my complaints unsaid.

MY PARAKEET LOVES ELVES

My parakeet ate six little elves,

She cornered them on the book shelves,

She said, "they taste very, very good",

As she crunched a head wearing a hood,

" Instead of six, I wish I had Twelve."

DONNY'S STICKY FINGERS

Donny's fingers were all sticky,

Because he made cookie dough and did a finger licky

Of course he's a gross dude,

And at best, he's called crude,

His kin should give him a !little butt kicky.

ELVES

Some elves live underneath my street,

They came and ate my parakeet,

She was nice and she was sweet,

I miss her melodic tweet,

I never thought of her, as meat.

TOM ATE HONEY UNTIL HE SMELLED LIKE A BEE

Tom ate honey until he smelled like a bee,
Which attracted the bears from every county,
Tom feared a bad beaten,
But instead he was eaten,
By a bear who had just ate a Mountie.

THE SPACECRAFT BACK SEAT DRIVER

BENNY, BUGS, BEARS AND SNUGS

Benny don't like the woods cause it's full of biting bugs,

And there's lots of hairy bears that squeeze him with bear hugs,

Benny likes to stay inside,

From bugs and bears, he then can hide,

Then with his blue blanket, Benny caresses it and snugs.

MARY PARTED COMPANY BECAUSE IT WAS BAD

Junior was smart, but an awfully slow starter,

Marie was faster and an whole lot smarter,

Junior got the job,

Though he was a slob,

So from the company, Marie was a parter.

MY DOGGIE, RACCOON AND THE MOON

Down from the sky came a great, round moon,

It ate my dog and pet raccoon,

It said it was going away,

Be back in 30 day,

Next time it wanted pie, macaroon. 

MY FRIEND CHARTREUSE

My friend was a booger named chartreuse,

He was born in a nose and then came loose,

He lived 40 years,

Under an eyeball, catching tears,

He was buried with his maker when his maker got the noose.

 

MAN EATERS

If you do not fastly swim,

Then your chances are near grim,

For in Michigan waters,

Live man eater otters,

Best chance is if you're fast and you're slim.

CONES AND BONES

I sat on top of a tombstone,
While licking my ice cream cone,
The cone came from a odd host,
It was the graveyard's  top ghost,
And, in the cone was his own finger bone.

THE RUBBER DUCK FESTIVAL IN BELLAIRE

The festival of the rubber ducks,

It's not for the gobbles or the cluck, clucks,

It's just for quackers,

Down pillow packers,

On the menu, roast quackers, lacking lucks.

WHAT'S IN A NOSE

There was a little guinea pig, and he always picked his nose,

Then one day he found out, just what up his nose could grows,

A pickle, squash and okra, and a big tomato vine,

A hot Hungarian pepper, and a bottle of red wine,

The guinea was inspired, so he set his nose to prose.

BENNY HAD A BIG RED NOSE LIMERICKS

Benny had a really big red nose,
His nostrils were like petals on a rose,
His drinking was fair,
But, food consumption was not there,
So, his skin was red from his head to his toes.

Benny had a big red nose,
He looked patriotic with blue and white cloths,
Benny was not really bright,
But, his nose was such a sight,
He became rich and that's how life goes.

Benny's nose was just so plush,
It gave all girls quite the rush,
Both the beautiful and the scary,
Wanted Benny to marry,
Eventhough, Benny did not like to flush.

CYRUS THE IRIS

In my garden bloomed an iris,

I made friends with it for it had no virus,

Our friendship's heading,

Led to a wedding,

Our firstborn came; we named him cyrus.

  

CRUSTY, YUMMY SACKS

I love my oven because of the crusty snacks,

I get snacks by wire cleaning my crusty racks,

I say yummy, yummy,

Crusties in my tummy,

And I save on garbage sacks.

UV PHOTONS MADE ME CRY

Photons, photons from the sky,

You can make me pretty or make me cry,

I look awesome with a deep dark tan,

But, the  extra energy I didn't plan,

I used some sunburn cream protector,

The SPF was rated by an inspector,

I'm not sure just what went wrong,

Some say I sat out in the sun and stayed there just too long.

I CHOOSE WELL; MY PIZZA TOPPINGS

On my pizza, what added a tease?

It was pepperoni and the bubbled up cheese,

It was not much of a mystery,

That soon my pizza was history,

For my toppings were chosen to please. 

THE WISEST FLY ON THE PIE

The wisest fly on the pie,
Knew to vacate after the flies caught my eye,
And, as the wisest fly flew away,
The others breathed my bug spray,
Just one fly left and he's faster than I.

FRANK AND POLKA DOT THE FROG

Frank saw a frog with polka dots,
He picked it up and then got spots,
He went to doctors for some reports,
But every doctor said that Frank had warts,
For Frank had been drinking just too much grog,
He couldn't tell a warty toad from a green horny frog.

I DROVE A PARTICLE ACCELERATOR

The car ahead of me went so slow I had to pass,

So, I became a particle accelerator and, put my foot down on the gas,

And, boy did I fly,

At light speed I passed by,

I came to a stop:  I collided with a tanker and split my mass.

Now, every quark in my body hurts.🤕

THE DEMON DAZE SPECIAL

It's Demon Daze at the local grocery Store,

If you are a demon, you get deep discounts and more,

You get free coffee and donut holes,

Plastic microwavable bowls,

And every 13th demon wins a prize at the door.

A PARACHUTE NOT PROPERLY WIRED

When his airplane engine expired,

Duke the aviator quickly retired,

He took a nosedive,

One he did not survive,

Seems his parachute was not properly wired.

LITTLE CHICKEN IN MY BACKYARD PARK

Little chicken in my backyard park,
You escaped from farmer with the dark,
You eat bugs and seeds in my petunia bed,
You could be chicken nuggets covered with bread,

Little chicken in my backyard park,
Pecking bugs from the red pine bark,
I hope your foods are really nutritious,
For I think chicken is quite delicious. 

NO EDIBLE EATS

No one can find no eats,

Now there's panic in the streets,

There is nothing good,

Just tin, plastic and wood,

And there's still lots of nasty beets.

MY PET GROUNDHOG

My pet groundhog does not feel well,

He slipped on the ice and down he fell,

So, I put him to bed,

After being well fed,

Then he had bad dreams and awoke with a yell.

DIM TROLL SPITS

There was a troll who trolled on Twitter,

He lost an election and became real bitter,

His only employment was house sitter,

Couldn't get hired, for he's a dimwiter,

Went to jail, as a sidewalk spitter.

PARASITES UNITED

Parasites United were living in my curly hair,

They ate up every single root, until my head was bear,

Although they done me wrong,

I regaled them with a song,

Then they infested my roommate's unpleasant underwear.

TING ME A SONG WITH YOUR TONG, JEFFY

Jeffy Jerry cannot sing,

But man, that guy can really ting,

He tings his songs

With copper tongs,

And that is just his thing.

THE ELF EATERS RHYME

There was a little elf,

His name was Sammy Sam,

Whenever he got hungry,

He ate a sandwich of cheese and ham,

There was a little elf,

His name was Billy Bill,

He ate only oatmeal cookies,

Upon the window sill,

There was a little elf,

Her name was Doreen Door,

She didn't care where or what she ate,

As long as there was more.

THE LAKE MICHIGAN SERPANT NAMED SAM

In Lake Michigan there was a serpent named Sam,
He swimed, he swum and, he swam,
He swam up a river,
To make Salmon quiver,
But, his tail got caught in a Damn.

Sam likes to sink really small vessels,
But with bigger boats Sam wrestles,
If he has not the muscle,
He'll lose out in the tussle,
He then swims to his cave where he nestles.

FUZZY WAZZY HAD HICCUPS (A NURSERY RHYME REVISITED)

Was Fuzzy Wazzy a real bear?

Or was he just someone, not quite all there,

He was weird and vicious, gave kids a scare,

He'd sit for hours, with that goofy stare,

Finally, they placed him in tender care,

Where he died from hiccups, it was balls of hair,

AMADEUS THE SKUNK LEFT HIS SCENT IN THE AIR LIMERICK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it, but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
He opined for friends that just were not there.

1022

WE DON'T NEED LOCKS ON MARS

On Mars our pudding is full of rocks,

We have no mealtimes for we have no clocks,

We have no open water and no boat docks,

We have no birds so, we don't have flocks,

We have no companies so we don't trade stocks,

We have cold feet because we can't make socks,

We have no education except the school of hard knocks,

Our entire culture the universe mocks,

But, we have nothing to steal so we don't need locks. 

BUSTER THE BANJO PLAYER POEM

Buster was a banjo player,
He played the banjo well,
But, the only song in his repertoire,
Was the Overture to William Tell,

Buster could not read or write,
He didn't know one note from another,
He only learned to play William Tell,
From the whistling of his mother,

Buster tried to learn new songs,
He tried leaning them by ear,
But, when he tried to play the songs,
His audience would sob, "Oh Dear!"

Buster became so frustrated,
He decided not to play,
He figured music was overrated,
So, he sits and dreams all day.

I Have Election Day Troll Blues

There were so many election day trolls,

Who have nefarious goals,

Many come from overseas,

Offering nude body sleaze,

And, tell fibs about voting at polls.