TRACK THREE THANKS TO BARLEY

Two Track Michigan was where I was born,

One track led into town, one track led out to corn,

Then, along came Mr. Farley,

He changed out corn to hops and barley,

Now a third track the beer trucks adorn.

I BUILT A CITY IN JUST 4 SQUARE FEET

I built a model city using only 4 square feet,

It even has a factory that makes drums for kids to beat,

And of course it has a tiny train,

With a small airport for a plane,

And through a window at city hall, sits the mayor in his seat.

TROLLNG FOR MONSTERS WAY OUT IN THE BAY

I was trolling for monsters way out on the bay,
I thought I had caught one when my line spooled away,
But, it was negative rub,
When up came the sub,
Then, the sub dove and I followed, good day.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay, 
Then, a big one swallowed me and my boat all the way,
My mind was real dizzy,
As I was digested in fizzy,
Now, as poop on the bottom I lay.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay,
When I fell in love with a monster some fishermen say,
Our first hatched we named Barry,
Was both scaly and hairy,
Married a walrus and moved to LA.




  



 

I SLEEP AT MY WORKSTATION

I sleep too much and do too little they said,

I sleep at my workstation as much as in bed,

But, their thinking is not deep,

For it is only at work that I sleep,

Afterwork, the wildside is where I will tread.

DEAD GREENS IN THE LAND CALLED ZOO.

DEAD GREENS IN ZOO MICHIGAN

My garden grew and grew,

Then it was suddenly through,

The frost stopped by,

Made my greens all die,

And it's June in KALAMAZOO.

THE TOO TIGHT TIE KNOT

My airway was cut off by my ties too tight knot,

Usually, I leave it loose but this time I forgot,

My boss let me lie on the floor,

For three days, maybe four,

Then had me removed when I started to rot.

 

MY DIET DID NOT GO WELL

I went to sneak a piece of pie,

But a candy bar caught my eye,

To treat them both equal,

I ate them together, not in sequel,

The next day I plead the fifth and didn't lie. 

A LAMENT FOR BILLY THE BATTERY

Billy was a battery,
He didn’t last very long,
His very short longevity,
Seems extremely wrong,

Now Billy’s lost and tormented soul,
Is haunting me every night,
His untimely death has taken its toll,
I can’t see with my worthless flashlight.

BAD WOOD

Will went out in the forest to carve some wood,

Will found a branch, he carved it good,

He carved a fighting stick,

But a wolf broke it quick,

Then Will was like nana, in Red Riding Hood.

MARSUPIAL STEW

I went and scraped marsupials off the road today,

I had to really scrape them, cause they had dried up in the clay,

Consider yourself a winner,

Cause we're having them for dinner,

I know it does not smell so good, but it keeps the bears away.

 

EATING RAW FUNGI AND CAPITAL GAINS

I ate raw fungi and it ate my brains,

I no longer functioned and felt aches and pains,

I bottled the stuff,

Claimed it made people look buff,

Sold my business to Wall Street for capital gains.

BLITHER BLOTHER SAYS "CANDY CANE"

Blither Blother was insane,

All he'd say is "candy cane",

At 42, no potty train,

In the shower he would drain,

But genius tested, was his brain.

BLITHER BLOTHER RAIN

Blither Blother stood in the rain, 

Looking through his window pain,

Wishing that he had a brain,

And stayed inside with his toy train,

Licking on a candy cane.

FEELINGS THE DOG AND BLUE THE CAT

There was a dog named Feelings,
Feelings liked to roll around in the dirt,
His master kept Feelings all penned up,
Because he didn’t want his feelings hurt.

There was a cat named Blue,
He was mean and kind of scary,
Blue would eat only fruit this is true,
Now he looks like a fat blue berry.

MY LITTLE CHIPPY LIMERICK

My little chipmunk has become very crazed,
Since he was a little chippy, on peanuts I raised,
Now he foams at the mouth,
He caught rabies in the South,
And when he gets way to close, he gets tazed.

I WAS ABDUCTED BY ORB ALIENS

I went out fishing in the early afternoon,

I tripped out toward the big fish where I saw moon after moon,

But the moons were orbs on the bay,

They all took me away,

I hope to be back fishing, real soon.

My Travel Journal's Final Entry

When they say Michigan has a lot of tourist traps they must have been talking about getting lost on the back roads. It's getting late and I'm lost out in the backwoods of Northern Michigan.  Luckily, I see an old dirt two-track heading up a heavily wooded hill.  There's bound to be some friendly folks at the end of it who will give me directions back to the main road.  The sun is going down, so I have to take a chance and really, I don't have anything to lose.  

TOO LOOSE TO TREK

Sammy was a too loose goose; too loose to trek,

Sammy started up a hill and then said, "to heck"

Sammy had to way backtrack,

To the outdoor bathroom shack,

By the time he made it there, Sammy was a nervous wreck.

HEAVY DIRT

I went to buy some potting soil,
But, the bags were heavy and I had to toil,
Then, as the bags bounced in my car,
My car springs went ajar,
Hence, my car's smooth ride is a spoil.

I WENT AND SCUFFED MY TENNIS SHOE

I went and scuffed my tennis shoe,
A long black streak across the white and blue,
I was looking sheik,
My social life is now bleak,
My tennies look old, not new.

A BEE TURNED ME INTO A COUCH POTATO

What an antagonist is the bee,
Especially, the one who left his stinger in me,
My foot felt such a bad ouch,
I've spent two weeks on the couch,
And I'm thinking I might make it three.

DONNY FINGERED WRONG HIS TROMBONE, NOW HE PLAYS ALL ALONE

Donny got so excited yanking his trombone,

That he broke his finger bone,

Now he's so sad,

Because he now plays so bad,

He was fired from the band for his musical tone.

TOAST TOPPINGS

I put some bacon on my toast,
With a banana and hunk of roast,
And a chunk of cheese,
Then ice cream to please,
Topped with cherries, which I love the most.

I DEEMED MY BEER NUTS TO BE FAULTY

I deemed my beer nuts to be faulty,
They were not sweet but were salty,
My nuts in the bag,
Had a misleading tag,
So my snack time I put on halty.

MY NEW APPARTMENT: WATCH THE FIRST STEP

I immediately fell through the floor,😯

As soon as I came through the door,😬

Then, I knew quite well,🤕

I'd found a new place to dwell,😌

For it would certainly be priced for the poor.🤑

OLD WHIPPLE'S DIPPED APPLES

Old Whipple was not in the head, right, 
He dipped apples and left them out overnight,
To no one's surprise,
The apples were covered with flies,
Old Whipple served them as though they came out just right.

A TREE TOAD LIMERICK

A tree toad ate whole apples all day,
He would then spit the seeds far away,
One time he hit a chicken,
He then got a good lick-en,
Now he swallows the seeds to obey.

IT WAS BITTER TWEET

It was a very bitter tweet,

That I received for my deceit,

I told grandma, I had soar feet,

So I couldn't stop by, for sup to eat,

My rat sister exposed, I went clubbing for meat.

A VERY CHEEKY ZOMBIE

A Zombie attacked me from the rear,

I turned to stick a screwdriver into it's ear,

But, that dead-eyed sneak freak,

Bit off my right cheek,
I'll soon be a zombie, I fear.

PEOPLE HAVE FLAVOR HAIKU

People have flavor,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

I stare, big pig stares,
I see pork, pig sees chicken,
Diner or dinner?

I WENT TO SHOOT TARGETS

I went to shoot targets with my new recurve bow,
I let loose the arrow and boy did it go,
But there were no accolades from charm,
For I hit my dad in the arm,
He stood  too close to the big plastic doe.

THE INTERVENTION MADE ME A LOSER

My cow loves her alcohol, but her milk is full of booze,

And every time I drink her milk, I have to take a snooze,

With the pig, goat, rooster and horse,

The cow got an intervention, of course,

Now depressed, she won't give milk, and the vitamin D I lose.

ALIEN UBER DRIVER HOPS

Genuine product of planet 2-Sop,

Alien to Earth but, makes circles with crop,

Yelling in language that make human ears pop,

Pretending to drink beer like an all local sop,

Residing downtown at a cheap rundown flop,

Insisting to all that it be a time cop,

Daytime making coin driving Uber, non-stop,

Eventually, walking like humans, not like rabbits that hop.

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

WHY DO I WORK FOR LITTLE PAY AND "GO, GO, GO!"

"Why are the stakes so high when the pay is so very low?"

That's exactly what I stated when I was told to, "go, go, go!"

My boss said my frustration,

Added to his exhilaration,

And, also caused his big bonus to "grow, grow, grow!"

HOW I CURED ZOMBIE BREATH

With the zombies I grew real tight,

They even taught me how to bite,

Soon, I was their boss,

I made them use toothpaste and floss,

Now, zombie breath is a victim's delight.

THE PLIGHT OF URINAL WHITE

I painted the bathroom wall,

When I got to the urinal stall,

Because of the family's poor eyesight,

I didn't match the paint with urinal white,

Fearing in a week it wouldn't look good at all.

BARRY THE COMIC WITH BRONCHITIS LIMERICK

Barry was a comic with bronchitis so bad,
His hacking though his monologue made everyone sad,
His jokes would have been very funny,
But distracted by his hacks and nose so runny,
When the monologue was over we were glad.

SUE'S MUTINY AT SEA LIMERICK

There once was a sailor named Sue,
She planed  a mutiny at just half past two,
When the officers surrendered,
She had them dismembered,
And fed the arms and legs to the crew.

THE MIXED METAPHOR SCORE

I love to mix the metaphor,

Like shooting ducks in barrels in a row,

It makes the over educated roar,

But speaks to the minions who already know.

PSYCHOSIS AND POST-NASAL DRIP IN HAMSTERS

Harlan the hamster had post-nasal drip,
It embarrassed him so, his mind started to slip,
He thought he was a Procter,
And, a university doctor,
But, the students greeted him with a flip.

THE GALAXY CALLED NORM

As the toilet swirls so, goes the galaxy called Norm,

Often you can see it after an evening thunderstorm,

And, if in that galaxy you wish to be,

It takes four batteries labeled "D",

You'll  also need a flashlight to travel in photon form. 

  

SUMMER HOLIDAY WEATHER FICTION PREDICTION

I spent lot's of money for a cookout outside,
I chose the Forth for showing national pride,
I relied on the weather prediction,
But it turned out to be fiction,
We were cramped in my '24 double-wide.

DECORATION DAY

On this Decoration Day,

I have to eat my curds and whey,

To attend parades without delay,

And traffic laws I can still obey,

So out of jail, today I'll stay.

THE ROOF CAVED IN ON MY TRAILER

It's roof has had a big failure, complete,

So it's no going back to the trailer to eat,

I guess I'll be camping outside,

And will have to swallow my pride,

And spray down my whole body with Deet. 

HOTDOG COOKOUT

My cookout hotdogs are looking quite mean,

They have spots that are brown and growths that are green,

But, the guests for the lunch,

I will pickle with punch,

Then, condiments will hide the crime scene.

The spoiled hotdogs I served have made guests really boom,

I wish I'd installed that second bathroom,

And, because of a close Redi Med,

There's just 8 dizzy, 3 dead,

I think the dizzy ones ate some local mushroom. 

THE FABLE OF THE SLOB WITH NO JOB

My IRS tax bill was amazingly tall,

Even though, my paycheck revenue was extremely small,

So, I quit my old job,

To stay at home, be a slob,

Then the bill collectors started to call.

MORAL:  

While thinking you've out thought the system is cool,

BUT YOU CAN'T!

That's why they call it a "system,"  you fool.    

I CHEESED AND CHEESED

I cheesed and cheesed my lettuce salad mix,

It still tasted bad, so I tried a bacon bits fix,

I got tired of messing,

So I dumped on the dressing,

And reserved it for supper at six.

THE SPICE CHEF

There once was a chef named Gill,

The only spice he used was dill,

But then he tried basil,

Which tickled his nasal,

And paprika even gave him a thrill.

TEN TIMES PLUS THRICE

I'm afraid I feel not nice,

Because my hair has a load of lice,

I bought lice poo; paid big price,

Poo not work; shaved head; ate rice,

I've now had lice ten times plus thrice.

FIRST WEEK OF JUNE LIMERICK

The first week of June has started off with a storm,
And, isn't this the month when it's supposed to get warm?
But, by the feel of the breeze,
Methinks it might freeze,
I can see in the rain the ice crystals form.

BUG BITES AND THE DISAPPEARED

The bugs in the basement are on the crawl,

Soon to be upstairs in the little potty stall,

Then they sneak into the bed,

Bitting from toes to the head,

Biting and biting, until there's no body left at all.

THE HOUND OF THE NORTH VILLES

My local homemade hotdogs we call hounds,

They taste really good and they sure put on the pounds,

They give down staters a pause,

Our hounds bite back and have claws,

And when you pass gas you'll hear the hound sounds.

MY AIR CONDITIONER

My air conditioner blew up with a boom, 
Now it’s hotter than Hades in my room, 
There’s no ice in the freezer, 
To cool off this geezer, 
I’m afraid this heat wave is my doom.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN TO MAY

Auf Wiedersehen to May,

While a volcano spits away,

And, the suns getting hotter,

Dried ponds for the otter,

While polar bears move onto the clay,

Auf Wiedersehen to May,

The glaciers slide into the bay,

Migrationers don't fly,

And, the west lands go dry,

May June bring a much wetter day.

DANCE OF THE WATER SPIDER

The water spider was really silly,

He teased a mama fish named Millie,

When Millie was about,

The spider danced above her snout,

Until the mama fish felt hungry and killy.

THE DRONE MESSAGES

I was sending messages using a drone,
It was cheaper and cooler than maintaining a phone,
It saved really big bucks,
Then flew over hunters for ducks,

All that's left is the tale and nose-cone.

I HUNTED THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER NEAR LAKE MICHIGAN

By Tim Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

Skegemog Lake is located in Northern Michigan and is visible from highway U.S. 72. Much of the lake is surrounded by a protected natural habitat hiking area which is famous for the abundance of Michigan rattlesnakes. Rattlesnakes do not usually bother people but, they do not like to be stepped on. Someone once told me that the venom of the Michigan Rattlesnake is fifty times more powerful than most other rattlesnakes so, it must really hurt if you get bit.

A few days ago I read on the Internet that the rattlesnakes in Skegemog Lake have been hard to find lately. In addition, fishing has also been really poor there recently. When I talked about this at the bar yesterday a man from Midland Michigan said that the reason the fish and snakes are disappearing is because of the giant snapping turtles that live in the lake. One in particular is a monster that is over 20 feet long and is known by locals as “Old Skeggey”.I asked the man from Midland Michigan how he knew so much about the problem in Skegemog Lake. He said that he was a turtleolgist (someone who studies turtles). He introduced himself as Bugzy and said he’d be willing to mount an expedition to find Old Skeggey if I would put up the $15.00 to rent a canoe. I agreed to his terms and the next morning we were standing on the shore of Lake Skegemog with our aluminum canoe. I had my brother Mike accompany us because if we found Old Skeggey we were going to try to put a large fish net over it. I figured we could use an extra hand to haul in a giant snapper.

As we neared the center of the lake we noticed lightning off in the distance. The clouds were really black and the storm seemed to be moving in our direction. My brother Mike was concerned that we might get hit because we were in an aluminum canoe. However, Bugzy said that the aluminum would conduct the lightning bolts away from our body and we were much safer than if we were in a fiberglass canoe. Besides, the fiberglass canoes were an extra $5.00 to rent for the day.

Mike also wondered why we did not have a more substantial boat to go after such a large monster. Bugzy pointed out that a canoe is more maneuverable than a large boar and we could get right up near shore if we had to. Besides, if a canoe is flipped over it is easy to flip it right side up. A larger boat would be nearly impossible to flip quickly and with rattlesnakes and giant turtles in the water, you want to get back in the boat as fast as possible if it flips. Bugzy further stated that he knew what he was doing because he was a scientist with a background in turtleology. With such credentials how could anyone argue with Bugzy?

Just as the black thunderheads started to roll in and rain began to sprinkle down, some large, massive saucer shaped object soared past us at no more than three feet away. The thing must have been 20 feet long. When the object got about twenty feet away, a head popped up and turned an eye back at us then, the head went back under the waves. The waves were getting bigger as the wind increased. The sky had turned totally black and the rain was wiping down on us as we sat in the middle Skegemog Lake.

Lightning bolts came down like spider legs all along the shore. My Brother Mikes’ hair became really kinky like he just had one of grandma’s permanents. Then, suddenly, the entire canoe was raised out of the water and we found ourselves traveling on top of the giant snapping turtle. He swam toward the shoreline at the speed of a motor boat. Mike and I just sat still hoping the thing was not going to eat us once we were closer to shore. Bugzy was busy pulling up the fish net we had laying in the canoe. I figured our turtleologist must have a plan to save us from certain death.

When our canoe was just about 50 feet from shore Old Skeggy sank down like a submarine and our canoe went riding off into shallow water. Mike and I jumped out of the canoe and ran for our lives until we reached shore. We turned around to see Bugzy with his net, trying to ensnare Old Skeggey. Bugzy managed to get the net over Old Skeggey but, the turtle used his beak to slice through the net and swam off to deeper water. Bugzy walked slowly up to the shore with his head held low. He was so dejected that Old Skeggy had gotten away when we were so close to capturing him. Just as Bugzy stepped on shore the canoe was hit by several bolts of lightning at once and exploded. The orange glowing metal pieces feel back into the lake and sizzled as they sank to the bottom.

Mike was the first to speak and said that he thought Old Skeggey had saved our lives. Bugzy did not say another word until we had a couple of beers at the bar. Then he told us that he was going to give up turtleology and become a truck driver. Bugzy said that he had been a truck driver until Tuesday. That was the day he decided he would try being a turtleologist.

The only thing good about this adventure for me is that I did not end up paying a fine or having to do community service which, seems to be my usual reward for being curious about the out of doors and life in general. I did have to pay $300 to the canoe rental business for failing to take better care of the canoe.

We did not get bit by any rattlesnakes but, there is a giant snapping turtle in Skegemog Lake. I do not think he was trying to hurt us and in fact, he may have saved us. I also learned that turtleologist don’t know anything about lightning strikes. I leaned that just because someone is a genius in one scientific field it does not mean they know anything about any of the other sciences.

52622

EXPLOITED DOCK WORKER

I put the docks in the lake on May Day and I really felt the freeze,

Ice water down to my footsies with polar winds above my knees,

Exploited labourer am I,

On this May Day I shall cry,

I work alone since when work arrives everybody leaves.

DRINKING TEA AND DANCING ON A SHIP THAT'S GOING DOWN

Open on the sea,

Was where Huntley wanted to be,

In is twelve foot long dingy,

Filled with water to the knee,

Still, Huntley danced a gig with glee, while drinking camomile tea.

BARTLEBY THE CRIBNER

Bartleby liked to stay in a baby crib,
He had a baby bottle, blanket and bib,
He once ran a bank,
It went into the tank,
At sixty he couldn't take any one's rib.