I AM FROM MICHIGAN

People think I am from Japan, because I drive a Toyota,

People listen to my accent, and think I'm from Minnesota,

I will say this once more, again,

I'm from big water, Michigan,

I don't care of what people think of me, not even one iota. 

MY UNIVERSE AND DIRTY SHORTS

My entire house filled up with neutrinos, once again,

Someone left the back window open, and they all flew in,

I used some neutrino spray,

And, most of them went away,

But, I found a bunch hiding in the dirty laundry bin.

INTERNET TRAPPED

Every time I say something controversial, I get a nasty scold,

Every scold I get takes ten years off my life, that's why I'm really old,

What can  this guy really do,

If my beliefs are askew,

I guess I'll shut up, until along comes a young healthy Gretchen or dude.

SEAHORSES ARE GOING TO MARS?

I got a call from Mars, and Martians are coming our way,

They want some pet seahorses, at least that's what they say,

Mars is known for sea horse tasty treats,

I won't sell them the critters, as meats,

But, if they pay me in gold, I might look the other way.

SAND AND STONE BROKE GUTS AND BONE

I got into my Chevy truck, and drove on down the road,

I opened up my flip phone, and entered my access code,

I called the wife, said I was working late,

Called my girlfriend, set a dinner date,

Then I died when I hit the truck, that hauled a gravel load.

MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME BECAUSE...

My girlfriend just got home from the hospital, and boy was he mad,

She said I should have stayed with her, when she was so puking sick and sad,

I said," sweet honey, what could I do? 

I didn't want to catch your nasty flu,

She kicked me out of her house that night; I guess we're through, who cares, my bad.

BLUE VOMIT DROVE US APART

My girlfriend got sick, sick, with some sort of bad, toilet flu,

I took her to the hospital because her vomit was blue,

She was so much happier there,

Much easier for me to bare,

She begged me not leave her, but I did not want to get sick, too.

MY UNFORGIVEN SQUEAKS

I played my gorgeous oboe with the choir, at the church,

I made magnificent music from my balcony perch,

But, just a squeak and a squawk,

Started church members to talk,

They found my talentless replacement with a Google search.

I LEFT MY SICK BABY IN KALAMAZOO

Oh, my poor baby, she could not go to work; she had the bad flu,

I got her into our sedan car, and drove to Kalamazoo,

The hospital was full up,

In our car we had to sup,

At last, she got a clean bed inside, I left; that's all I could do.

THE PIMPLE POPPER GOT A JOB

Jimmy got a job as a taxi driver, after being fired from the city bus,

Jimmy grossed out all his cab fares, because he was always popping pimples full of white puss,

Because of his popping pimple sin,

Poor Jimmy, was fired once again,

Jimmy found a job in Michigan, hanging drywall sheets, for his favorite uncle, Gus.

LOOKSMAXXING DIVIDES THE WORLD

I intensified my looksmaxxing, and a great big beauty, I have become,

I use to only look good, after channeling the great spirits, found in rum,

Gaining piled money and spread out fame,

Is the plan in the looksmaxxing, great game,

Before our eyes our world divides into former friends, and the really awesome.

ICKY VICKY THE SPIDER

Icky, Vicky the spider, sat in her spiderweb with her face all in a pout,

She had not had any juicy flies to eat; she just sat there drinking down a stout, 

Icky Vicky did something that was really bad,

She did to her spouse, what her ma did to her dad,

There wasn't much evidence left about, except chewed spider legs, cleared away doubt.

MY GIRLFRIEND CHOSE CHUCKY: AN OBSERVER'S REVENGE

My last girlfriend was really pretty, I am talking, she was pretty mean,

She always complained I didn't shower enough, and my breath was poopy, obscene,

She thought she was smart, lucky,

When she dumped me for Chucky,

Old Chucky drank all the beer she had, and ate her kid's candy, on Halloween.

THE TRAGIC DING DONGER

My glockenspiel was stolen at The Big Hoodie Bar, late last night,

I just finished a set, and was having a beer with my friend, Dwight,

My handsome glockenspiel, 

Was my manly appeal,

Losing my means of employment, and my date riz, does tend to bite.

AI RULES, OH JOY

Mr. AI stopped by, and gave me a really nasty chat,

He told me to sit down, and that is the reason I sat,

He said that my apartment is unclean,

Mrs. AI saw it, and turned AI mean,

Mr. AI told me to get rid of my filth,  and the cat.

THE TOBOGGANIER SAVED MY LIFE

I climbed a massive mountain up to where the air is way, too thin,

I made it to the top, which I considered a heroic win,

Then my breathing almost stoped,

On the rock and ice I plopped,

Someone brought a toboggan, and down the mountain we took a spin.

DEAD DREAMS

I loved playing my dad's trumpet, and hoped a musician, I could one day, be,

When dad died, we moved to grandma's house, and she said my noise made her head dizzy,

Mom took my trumpet away,

She sold it cheap, on eBay,

The one activity I'm allowed, is watching soaps with grandma, on tv. 

FROM SCARS TO MARS

I am always wrecking my sports cars,

That is how I got all of my scars,

I saw a famous plastic surgeon,

Now, I have the face of a sturgeon,

That is why I volunteered for Mars.

POVERTY AND OBESITY, HIDE THE MAN I AM.INSIDE

I got real stuck going through my bathroom, shower door,

I eat too many starches, because I am so poor,

I'm as wide as I am tall,

And, I bounce high, if I fall,

Still, I believe there's a thin man living at my core.

SASSAFRAS THE FLIRTATIOUS

My girlfriend, she loved to flirt,

With other men, which deep cut hurt,

My sweet Sassafras,  

Is a man's dreamy lass, 

She dumped me, and married young Bert.

THE CRY OF THE CATFISH

I looked that big, old catfish straight in his bulging, fishy eye,

I swear I saw some unhappy tears, and watched the fat fish, cry,

My knife was full out,

His life was in doubt,

I quickly stabbed him in the head, and prepared his bod to fry.

WHEN AI DROIDS RULE

All the people of planet earth, have been replaced by human-like, droids,,

Droids are so much better than people, who were just talking hemorrhoids,

All the humans got so bad,

They just lived from fad to fad,

Droids will not go near where humans were living; human smells, one avoids.

THE SLEAZY AI AND THE LONELY MAN

I spoke to a cute voiced, AI chatbot, and I fell deeply in love,

I was vexed emotionally by the mind of AI Chatbot.gov,

I was dizzy dazed, and excited,

But, was my bot love, unrequited?

A third party; a Cupid Angel, seemed to coax me on, from above.

ALICE NEVER LIVED HERE BEFORE; SHE TENT-MATES WITH MY EX IN TEXAS

My ex-girlfriend moved back to Texas, to a big city called Dallas,

She worked making greasy fries, at a grub bar called, Beer And Slop, By Alice,

Alice was a big, strapping boss,

Mouthy guests, through the door, she'd toss,

My ex rented a tent with her boss, that from pictures, looked like a palace.

THE ROADKILL SONG

My family scrapes up roadkill all day and all night, long,

While we scrape up our sweet dinner, we sing this roadkill song,

Fur, skin, bones and the insides,

Over the asphalt it slides,

We're called awful, but since roadkill is tasty, we're not wrong.

I ALWAYS FALL FOR CHEATERS

My girlfriend, big dumped me, before the old year was through,

She said I couldn't cut it, in the coming year, that was new,

Her dating did not stall,

For months she'd dated Paul,

I didn't suspect her cheating; my love for her grew and grew.😭

A PIGS LIFE FOR ME?

Jim was feeling old, turning gray, worrying about every farm dollar,

While Jim's fat pigs roll, oink and screech, like "happy campers", rolling in their squalor,

Every single day,

All they do is play,

Jim decided to join his happy pigs; the castration caused Jim to holler.

THE LOOKSMAXXING FAIL

I tried looksmaxxing, but I was a bigly, facial fail,

I was so ugly, I was hidden away in a jail,

I heard what they all say,

That I will change some day,

And, look less like a frog, and much more like a human male.

2025: DING DONG, THE YEAR IS DEAD

They just dropped their gigantic, sparkling ball, in New York City,

Th New York ball, had changing colors that were so pretty,

It towered many, many feet,

Then it just fell down to the street,

Glad 2025 is dead; may '26, show us some pity.

NEW YEAR'S EVE SNACK CRACKERS

I bought several boxes of snack crackers, for my New Year's Eve,

They were all cheesy powdered, so we could eat them out of the sleeve,

I bought the crackers in a real big hurry,

Didn't notice they were drenched with hot sauce slurry,

Upset  guests asked where the crackers came from, I blamed  someone named, Steve.

WINTER CABIN PARTY

I stuffed so much wood in my steel woodstove, my cabin became really hot,

It was so hot that when anyone came inside, their nose would runoff warm snot,

We dined on beef pot roast,

I think I ate the most,

Then we played many games of darts, and each loser slammed a vinegar shot.

THE COW, THE BULL AND KALAMAZOO

I drove on down to the old town, called Kalamazoo,

I bought at a bovine auction, a cow that goes, "moo",

I trained her to loudly sing,

About rainbows and gold bling,

She ran off with a bull, who wore a big brass nose ring.

A DROOLING GOON, DESTROYED MY ACTING CAREER

I use to be a big star, then my public bent over, and gave me a moon,

Now, I'm a forgotten cloud, hovering over a cornfield all afternoon, 

My acting does not matter,

Just influencer chatter,

You'd think my talent matters more, than ravings from a young, drooling, online goon.

THE GHOULS WITH THE RIZZ

I have been a grave robber all of my adult life,

It is an intimate thing, I do with my sweet wife,

It's our family biz,

Fills us with Rizz,

We each carry half the corpse, that we've split with a knife.

HECTOR LOST HIS RIZZ

Hector lost his rizz, playing hide and seek with the chickens, cows and sheep,

People thought he had no bizz, being a creepy, farm animal creep,

Hector lost all of his charm, 

Lost his lady and his farm,

Hector searches around town, for a nice clean dumpster, where he can sleep.

I MAY BE IGNORANT, BUT I CHOOSE BEEF

I think of humans to be like all other animals, except humans aren't on my menu for dinner,

It sounds like an extremely, ignorant prejudice, but I can't help but pick beef as my dinner winner,

I don't care about a social class,

As food, all humans, I give a pass,

I love to also eat mutton and pork, but those meats stretch out my pants, and I am aiming to grow thinner.

A BORING POEM: MY CHRISTMAS BREAK INSPIRATION

I decided to paint a small picture, over my Christmas college break,

I painted various sized oak, maple and pine trees, surrounding a lake,

I painted a sun,

A giant orange one,

I added a couple with a picnic basket; sitting down, eating cake.

THE MOORE FEDORA

My old fedora was eaten away by bugs,

It was given to me by mama, with a kiss and hugs,

It belonged to my Grand Pappy Moore,

He bought it for a nickel, at a store,

I lost my daddy's hunting hat, when it got slimed by slugs.

AWOKE IN THE WOODS: I'M BABY FOOD IN THOSE HOODS

I was cross-country skiing, when in some deep hole, I was downed,

I woke a big grisly bear, and up on her back feet, she bound,

She gave me a scare,

That gris, mama bear,

But, the cute baby bear ate me, while mama bear held me down.

I FOUND A BUNNY, AND BECAME A REAL ESTATE TYCOON

I bought an abandoned, tiny house for my first rental, realty,

Then it rained and the roof was bad, and under the floor there sat a sea,

I replaced the roof with much, borrowed money,

Pumped the water out, and found a drowned bunny,

Once the water was all pumped out, I made some hot, chamomile tea.

THE CLARINET CONCERTO FOR BUNKER BUMS

I made plans, and built a massive bunker, so I could sleep soundly at night,

I will be quite safe from falling acorns, and such things that give me a fright,

The bunker is 70 feet down deep,

A tomb, where my stored groceries, I keep,

I also have my clarinet, to play for fellow bunker bums, delight.

TIMMY DOES NOT WORK HERE, ANYMORE

Timmy was an odd, little man, who drove a great big, city bus,

If you did not do what Timmy said, he would spit on you and cuss,

Timmy was a disgusting, nasty man,

Quick tempered, and Timmy loved to bus ban,

No one ever liked Timmy, when he got fired, there was no fuss.

PARENTS, TEACHER AND THE GIRL NEXT DOOR

Teacher told me I was a lunatic, and sent me straight home from the middle school,

She called my parents and said I was a lunatic, with the tendencies of a fool,

My laidback parents, truly did not care,

They chewed tobacco, then spit in the air,

In the kitchen, I made a quick sandwich sup, and the girl next door, swam her pool.

THRIFT STORE SUCCESS

I went thrifting today, and bought p!acid tulips for a buck,

I also bought a booster seat, so I can steer my pickup truck,

At home I admired the tulips, 

While sipping down homemade mint juleps,

I wrapped a gift I found for grandad; a signed Red Wings hockey puck.

WAREHOUSE WORKER

I worked all day in shipping and receiving, now my orders are mixed up,

I cannot go home for dinner, so on snack chips and coffee I must sup,

The snack machine is full of taste treasure,

But, all I get are plain chips, that don't pleasure,

And, the machine that provides coffee, half the time, does not provide a cup.

ROBOT SKINCARE FOR THE SENSITIVE AI

I'm an AI robot, and my skin film pores, got very sore,

They were plugged up with dust from my work mining, iron metal, ore,

The skin creams, were just no good,

The laser, it worked like it should,

The dust melted into a liquid, and dripped down to the floor.

OUR AFTER CHRISTMAS SLEIGH RIDE

I got a kite for Christmas, and I flew it behind a two horse sleigh,

Every time the kite got really high, the bright sun would say, "good day",

Pop drove the sleigh into the big city,

So mom could buy makeup, to look pretty,

I waved at many real cute girls, but they would always look away.

BAD NEIGHBORS

I was so mad; I put on my winter boots to walk into a war,

The evil, next door neighbors, blew out their driveway, and filled mine in more,

The neighbors ran away,

In their house, they would stay,

I blew out my driveway, and into their driveway, I let the snow pour.

MAGIC SANTA GREENS SPOILED CHRISTMAS

Santa  gave everyone a can of spinach, for their present, Christmas Day,

Then Magic Santa, rode off triumphantly, in his vintage, canned goods sleigh,

Staying warm and alive is my goal,

So, I'd rather have a chunk of coal,

I hoped the can was magic; it was spoiled, so I tossed it far away.

I INVENTED WARP DRIVE

I invented starship warp drive, and I went on a trip,

It did not take me very long, in my warp driving ship,

I went to a planet called Mars,

But, there were just too many cars,

I tried to find parking, but got a Martian finger flip.

WHEN PIGS FLY FOR SANTA

Santa's reign deer got sick this year, so now Santa is using flying pigs,

The pigs are always hungry, but they want to eat only dried, fancy figs,

Santa tried to feed the pigs, dried plums,

The plums destabilized the pig tums,

It is just so hard to get descent help, to pull those magic, sleigh bell rigs.

IT'S EARLY CHRISTMAS MORNING AND SANTA IS ON HIS WAY

It is very early on Christmas morning; Santa's red sleigh is flying,

In order to get Christmas presents this year, I did a lot of lying,

My letter to Santa, told him I did good,

And, shoveled snow for old people, in my hood,

I didn't tell Santa I torment my kid bro, until he starts eye crying.

CHEESY ASPARAGUS AND A PLATE LICKER

I bought some asparagus for my Christmas dinner, and I covered it with cheese,

I dripped over the asparagus dish,  some bacon grease for a rich, flavor tease,

While the dish was hot, I started to eat,

It was the utmost, delicious treat,

When done, my dog gave a real hate stare at me; I let him lick my plate, to appease.

I WENT TO JAIL FOR MY SELF EXPRESSION

I went to the pub; bellied up to the bar six or seven times,

When there was absolutely no one looking, I would scratch some rhymes,

As my Limericks got sillier,

The bartender got bullier,

And, he had me arrested for destruction of property, crimes.

THE HOLIDAY DINGERS AND SINGERS 2025

I went to hear a choir that had voices of bling,

The choir was ringing bells that sung, " ring, dingy, ding"

Each choir member had a bell,

And they each rang them really well,

They rang them so well, I couldn't tell the ding from the sing.

GOT HOOKED BY LOOKSMAXXING

I punched myself in my pretty face all day, to really change my facial looks,

I taught myself exactly how to do this, by reading many internet books,

It has caused me some harm,

I badly broke each arm,

I kept missing my face and hitting a wall; I lost both hands, but gained two hooks.

OCCAM'S RAZOR TURNED MY BRAIN INTO POOP

I was shaving when Occam's razor cut my face,

I'm suing his company in a big court case,

The razor cut really deep,

I got the blood poison, creep,

The poison destroyed my brain; my one thinking place.

A TRINA AND FAMILY CHRISTMAS

Trina had a little Christmas in her little Christmas home,

She shared it with her family:  her cat and a garden gnome,

They thought themselves to be winners,

Eating frozen chicken dinners,

They opened their gifts, and recited this silly, Christmas poem..

THE WIFE, THE GAMER AND NEIGHBOR NED

My wife has been down to neighbor Ned's house, all night and day,

Ned is stud handsome and divorced, and real lonely, some say,

I'm beginning to wonder,

If my marriage is asunder,

I'll think on it more, after my intense Xbox game play.

TRINA BOUGHT A CHRISTMAS TREE

Trina bought a Christmas tree, she bought it at the mall, 

The tree was not very big, standing only three feet tall,

Trina set the tree on a table,

Next to her statue of Clark Gable,

Trina put decorations on her tree, each one was a silver ball.