I CAUGHT THE ITCH AT THE GROCERY STORE

I searched for a great bargain price,

On cereal that was a poofed kind of rice,

I found nothing cheap,

So I stormed home in my jeep,

Scratching my hairs that incubated head lice.

MY LAST STOP, THE HOBBY SHOP (I shopped till I was dropped dead)

I have a hobby,

So I went to a Lobby,

The store clerks were snobby

At the checkout, I got robby,

I became very sobby,

They called in a bobby,

He cracked me on the knobby,

Then said that was his jobby,

 Cause he served the Lobby, 

And out oozed my brains.

SANTA PICKS HIS TEETH LIMERICK

Santa ran out of fish bones and he couldn't pick his teeth,
So, he pulled out some needles from a Christmas pine wreath,  
But, Santa had acidic spittle,
Which made the pine needles brittle,
And, they wouldn't dig out the food underneath.

THE TRAIN, BRAIN AND CHEAP RENT GAIN

Next door there was this train,
It's tooter hurt my little brain,
But, my rent was real cheap,
Apartment easy to keep,
Thus, my bank account had a small gain.

IT EATS

It eats the bird, it eats the beast,

It eats the critter that smells the least,

It eats the bugs, it eats the dragon,

It eats vehicles called Volkswagen,

Upon them all my goat do feast.

FISHING DARK AND DEEP

I went fishing on a lake dark and deep,

Then through the floor water started to seep,

I didn't have a pail,

So I really  couldn't bail,

I sank calmly without even a peep. 

THE SEEDS OF WEEDS

The seeds of weeds have taken their toll,

They've seeded the great hills and the big valley bowl,

Of course, now the lawns are all weedy,

Because the weed descendants are greedy,

Now, finding grass is finding diamonds in coal.

I HAVE A ROOMMATE WHO DOES NOT LIKE TO FLUSH

I have a roommate who does not like to flush,
It makes me sick when my teeth I must brush,
I hope and I pray,
He moves out one day,
If he doesn't I'll become a lush.

OLD FASHIONED YARD JARTS WITH THE LONG, POINTY SPEAR

I went to the third moon of OOh-OOh to play professional yard jarts,

It's played at nightfall, at least that's when the tournament starts,

Each jart has a fifteen foot spear,

Sharp enough to take down a big deer,

During tournament, you'd best look out for your parts. 

THE MUM SUM LIMERICK

There was this person, a mum,

She had troubles doing a subtraction or sum,

She counted her kids more than thrice,

Made 6 Bowles of beans &  fried rice,

The kids she missed summing, got gum.

WOODSTOVE POISION GAS HAIKU

Woodstove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, woodstove top, melt,
FLAMES, SMOKE,  POISOIN GAS ..

MY CREDIT CARD CHARGE IS FIFTY PERCENT-Limerick

My credit card charge is fifty percent,
When I pay it I get kind of all bent,
With all the bank fees,
I'm down on my knees,
Even on savings they charge me for rent.

YIPPEE, KY, YEH IN SPACE

I boarded my spacecraft with my dog Yippee who, eats pie, 

Then right behind us were my doggies Yeh and Ky,

Yippee, Ky, Yeh,

We all flew away,

Towards the stars and the wonders in the sky. 

RIPTIDE HAIKU

Swimming in big lake,
Riptide pulls me out, can’t swim,
Drowning in big lake.

THEY CALL ME FLASHLIGHTER

I cannot seem to ever obtain,

Fuel for my lighter that flash burns butane,

So I tried a fuel that was clean,

It was high octane gasoline,

I now live in an asylum for the  insane.

ELFIN 👹

Whimper, whimper in the night,

I'm whimpering because of fright,

There are beastly elves,

Sitting on my shelves,

I'm on their menu, tonight.😱

IN THE KINGDOM OF THE BERRIES, THE TOILET STOOL IS KING

Berries make most people happy,

They turn fossilized bowels into bowels so sappy,

And, although it's not fair

When TP is rare,

In their bathrooms consumers feel trappy.

I ONCE CAUGHT A BIG CRAPPIE

I once caught a great big crappie,
'He tangled my line up in a wrappie,
When I untangled him at last,
He knew his time was past,
I  fried him in grease and was happy.

MAD AT POTATO SALAD

My potato salad made people so sad,
I used mayonnaise that had gone really bad,
The eggs were well boiled,
But, had sat out and got spoiled,
Now, everyone who ate it is mad.

EPITAPH OF THE PLASTIC FACE RACE

There once was a planet, way out in space,

They loved their plastics, even put them in their face,

But plastic poisons the inside,

All life died, planet wide, 

That's how it ended, for the human race.

MY WEEKEND AT THE BIRDBATH

I'm so glad this week is all done,

On the weekend, I'll have plenty of fun,

I'll get lots of fancy dips,

And dip slowly my fancy chips,

While I sit by the bird pool, in the sun.

FISH FOOD, DINNER IS SERVED

I was having a yacht party,

But my boat, it sank at sea,

My guests got mad at me,

They got all wet, and gee,

The sharks came and we...

I TIME TRAVELED OFF TO A NICER PLACE

I time traveled off to a nicer place,
In my 1974 Matador Sedan,
There was no pressure; there was no rat race,
You just took life as you could and can,

I time traveled off to a nicer place,
But, alas I could not stay,
For reality like my sedan has no brakes,
To stop I’ll cross my fingers and pray.

ERIC LIKED TO WALK IN THE DITCH

Eric liked to walk in the ditch,
But the ditch-water made Eric's feet itch,
And, in between Eric's toes,
Where the stink-mushroom grows,
A bloodsucker feels that he's found his niche.

MARY WAITS FOR THE MAN WITH THE LITTLE FEET

Jim had such little feet,
They barely got him down the street,
So, he would tarry,
Behind his wife Mary,
Who, waited hours for Jim to meet.

PRISCILLA THE FISH FOUND HER LIFE MATE

Priscilla the fish thought she had found her life mate,
She found him on Facebook and thought he was great,
But, when her special person didn’t show,
On their first date in the sea below,
Her feelings were rated devastate.

THE LIMERICK RECITAL

Some limericks I recite as I jelly my toast,

Some limericks I recite at the beach on the coast,

Some limericks I recite as I'm chased by a bear,

If the bear catches me, then I'm reciting prayer,

Most limericks I recite just for something to post.

THE REINDEER POOP-SHACK POEM

My shack is ugly, and it smells like a reindeer took a poop,

It appears the reindeer left it, atop of my stoop,

I lit three candles to burn off the stink,

I washed the dishes, stacked up in the sink,

I took a break outside, danced with my hula hoop,

Should have stayed in town in that home with the group. 

MARNIE MADE A MOVE WHILE FISTING

My ex-friend, Marnie doesn't live here anymore,

Marnie moved to an apartment over a store,

Marnie and I were very tight,

But we had an ugly fight,

When Marnie left, Marnie fisted my front door.

I HAVE CLIMATE CHANGE

My furnace died now, I have climate change,

I'm trying to survive in the lower temp range,

My environment is cold so, I made a fire,

But, the smoke made my breathing dire,

My head is cold because I have caught mange.

BARK NO DOG, LAMP NO LIGHT, BUG BITE

My lamp, it just wouldn't light,
I changed the bulb but, still not bright,
So I sat in the dark, 
With a dog who wouldn't bark,
And bugs that did nothing but bite.

MY BIRDIE RELATIONS

The birdies like on worms to dine,
But I hang my washing on the line,
So my washing is speckled,
At work I am heckled,
My birdie relations aren't fine.

THE UNICORN DOWN UNDER

There was a unicorn who slept down under,

The big trees when he heard thunder,

He made a loud breeze,

When he cut his cheese,

And the source of the loud noise made one wonder.

 

NOSE-FIRE

Peter the dragon blew no fire with his roar,

Out of his mouth came spit and nothing much more,

But out of his nose,

Came great flames with his blows,

When Peter had a cold he could melt iron ore.

BORIS WROTE A LIMERICK

Boris wrote a limerick for his ex-girlfriend Patty,
He said her teeth were knurly and hair was mattie,
Patty’s revenge was not slight,
With a scratch and a bite,
Then, Boris described Patty as catty.

I WENT OUTSIDE TO BURN A TIRE

De-cluttering my garage was my desire,

I went outside to burn a tire,
It lit real fast, and the flames jumped higher,
Then it caught my neighbors pine tree on fire, 
The settlement means I won't retire.

PP07082022

STING, SUPER CUTS AND GUTS

Tinker was a little nuts,

He ate only hornet guts,

They made is mouth sting,

And that was his thing,

Along with giving his lawn super cuts.

I PARKED ON A HILL

I parked my old rusty pickup on the hill,

I went into the store,

My parking brake done failed,

Then, my pickup charged downhill to war,

It terminated a parked bicycle,

It terminated something called art,

It terminated a parking meter,

It stopped when it ran down a grocery cart.

BARNY THE WICCAN

Barny was a practicing wiccan,
His familiar was a farm chicken,
If you want some good luck,
Get the chicken to cluck,
If he don't cluck you'll have some slim pickin'.

THERE WAS A FAT PIG NAMED DAVEY

There was a fat pig named Davey,
He ate pork sausage and gravey,
He once ran out of food,
Became a real skinny dude,
Then, bought all his cloths at Old Navy.

THE SOLAR FLARES AND BEARS LIMERICK

I went and watched some solar flares,

Singed my eyeballs, gave them tears,

I burned my skin,

They told next of kin,

Then they fed what remained to the bears.

THE FISH IN THE WEEDS

I hooked a fish out in the weeds,

For that is where the big fish feeds,

He fought and tangled,

And, my line angled,

That battle is among my proud deeds.

JIM'S APARTMENT

Jim's apartment, it's kind of small,
The bathroom is a hole in a wall,
The kitchens a delight,
A plate hanging from the light,
And, to sleep Jim curls up in a ball.

MOSQUITOS TAKE MORE THAN BLOOD

Meanie mosquitos, they done ate off my arms,

Then when I looked for my legs, that set off alarms,

My legs were in mosquito guts,

I was going really nuts,

No more camping, I'll stay on the farms.

A BIGFOOT ATE MY HOMEWORK

A Bigfoot ate my homework,
And, no one believes me,
But, I live in Michigan,
There's a Bigfoot behind each tree,

The Bigfoot is a real odd jerk,
He's really sneaky you see,
I just want to wish again,
I wish Bigfoot wouldn't bother me,

A Bigfoot ate my mom and dad,
My little sister too,
He even drank my soda pop,
And ate my dog named Blue,

Bigfoot's are protected,
If you harm one you'll go to jail,
I guess I will leave Michigan,
And, enroll in Princeton or maybe Yale.

MR. MARTIN HAD NO TICKER

Mr. Martin had no ticker,
His doctors wondered why, he was not sicker,
Martin swam in the bay,
Ate smoked bacon all day,
At night he drank beer and would bicker.

THE TEETER TOTTER TEARS

It rained on my teeter totter, and now it's all wet,

If now I teeter totter, I will find woe and then regret,

My pants will get all muddy,

And my neighbors will say I'm cruddy

Then I'll end up crying, because I am upset.

THE BENCH PAINTS MY TRENCH

Pardon my stench,

But I sat on a bench,

Unlike my home stoop,

It was covered in poop,

The poop stuck to the back of my trench.

THE PETOSKEY STONE LIMERICK, FESTIVAL AND CELL PHONE WARNING

My shinny petoskey stone, 
Made of something; maybe coral or bone,
I found one on the beach, 
And, what did it teach,
Watch out for water if you drop your cell phone.

POLES FOR SECURE, HEALTHY PIGS

If I had enough poles I could pen up my pigs,

They could not wander off if I built secure digs,

And, pigs grow better rib,

In a safe secure crib,

Besides, pigs are healthier if they can't get to cigs.

IN CAME THE WATER AND DOWN WENT THE FLOOR

I bought a trailer between a river and a lake,

The property flooded and I had water intake,

Finally, the water left out the door,

But, caved in went the floor,

Methinks my property buy a mistake.

,

LITTLE WIGGINS THE PIG PART II

Little Wiggins was a pig,
Little Wiggins liked to dig,
He tried digging through a concrete floor,
Now Little Wiggins digs no more,
He wore down his hooves now he is soar,
Little Wiggins is a real dumb boar.

I WONDER ABOUT FISH

I wonder what the fish are thinking?

And, because fish are in water are they always drinking?

I wonder if they speculate about the nature of land,

Or, have tried watching cable using "On Demand."

I wonder if fish can perceive that they're sinking?
Or, do their eyeballs get dirty because, they're never blinking?

GRANDPA'S DIRT FARM

A dirt farm, some pigs and a still,
Grandpa's old farmhouse on the hill,
Although the old man was poor,
He'd work till he was sore,
Then on his whisky and ham he would fill.

THE DAN WHO FARTED

My name is Dan,

Because I'm a man,

I eat beans from a can,

And eggs from a pan,

From the house, I got a ban.

SQUASH BLOSSOM DINNER

I fried me some squash blossoms in my old frying pan,

Then I fried me some baked beans, I cut out of a can,

Although it all smelled like carpet-feet,

It was a real tasty treat,

Then I rested by my big, old box fan.

THERE ONCE WAS A PEASANT

There once was a peasant named Bill,
Finding pennies gave him a thrill,
He once found a dime,
But, it was only one time,
Finding pennies was his only skill.

Can I Vote?

I wonder if I still can vote?

I never learned to read nor wrote,

My address is a giant tote,

Out on the bay is where I float,

I eat goat cheese from my own goat,

I don't wear cloths under my coat,

Can't sing a song, not one dang note,

If I had a sail I'd have a boat,

I wonder if I still can vote?

BRENDA DINES ALONE

Brenda would serve all types of hard cheese,

Along with some cornbread and homemade herb teas,

Though she dined all alone,

With her stuffed cat named, Malone,

She was happy, well balanced, at ease.

 

ANOTHER STUPID LIMERERICK ABOUT LIMERICKS

A limerick pie is nothing more,
Than stringing words together for,
A little fun,
Maybe a pun,
Or, some wisdom at the core.