E AND GREEN BETTY

My friend Mr. E was a POI,

A person of interest, maybe a spy,

He spoke fluent Yeti,

Dated his secretary, Green Betty, 

Almost everything that he said was a lie.

Mr. E's secretary always wore green,

She matched the wallpaper and was seldom seen,

What she overheard, 

She recalled word for word,

Mr. E didn't need a recording machine.

Mr. E vanished shortly after the war,

Some say his enemies just evened a score,

The police found blood and makeup on his bedroom door,

And, one red-stained handkerchief on his living room floor,

The red stain turned out to be wine, just wine, nothing more, 

Betty died at age eighty, unmarried and all alone,

She still had Mr. E's stuff and number on his phone,

Betty said she knew nothing of E's vanishing thing,

But, she wore a rare green diamond in a gold wedding ring,

And, was buried next to a grave that had just "E" on the stone.

I WENT VACATIONING IN MICHIGAN'S UPPER P. LIMERICK

I went vacationing in Michigan’s Upper P.
I bought great souvenirs and drank wild raspberry tea,
I went panning for gold,
What I found I then sold,
I then picked up green stones by Superior Sea.

MY LIZARD SCISSORED AND GOT AWAY

In the middle of a blizzard,

I went out to walk my lizard,

On my leg he took a wizard,

So I tried grabbing him by the gizzard,

Then into the woods he scissored.

That's how he got away.😭

THE CHICKENED REALLY GOOD-LIMERICK

I had some chickened noodles, chickened really good,

They tasted like fresh chicken, like chickened noodles always should,

Then I ate a roadkill stew,

Tasted skunky, pew,

Then I drank pine needle tea, and it tasted just like wood.

A BIG HAIRY BIGFOOT HAD ENTERED MY HOUSE

A big hairy Bigfoot had entered my house,
By the racket, I knew it wasn't a mouse,
But when it shaved in the shower,
And sang with such power,
I knew the Bigfoot was only my spouse. 

BARNABAS MAKES HIS OWN BEER

Barnabas makes his own beer,
With water he gets off the pier,
Now the beer is real malty,
But so terribly salty,
High blood pressure you might want to fear.

TO BUY OR RENT MY CAMPING GEAR

I did not know if I should rent,

My camping gear, my boat, my tent,

Finally, everything I bought,

Even my fish was not caught,

I love fish with that store bought clean scent.  

MY DOG IS LOADED WITH FLEAS

My dog is loaded with fleas,
They bite him and bite me with ease,
The fleas love the shampoo,
They swim like Shamoo,
They get in my lungs and I wheeze.

THERE WAS A KING NAMED BLIMPLE LIMERICK

There was a king named Blimple,
His mind was really simple,
He ate pizza and wine,
Until half past nine,
Then he exploded like a big pimple.

BEWARE THE CLEARANCE PICKLE RELISH

I bought some pickle relish at the local discount store,
I purchased it on clearance cause I could not pay no more,
But when I opened the jar at home,
The relish spit up foam,
And it smelled so bad I threw it out the door.

TRY A TIRE MIX FOR YOUR NEXT DINNER PARTY

I was told my cousin had food from a beast,

So, I went to Grayling for the great feast,

It was a rodent from the road,

Tire mixed with a toad,

And, some snake which I liked the least.

BENNY STEPPED ON A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER

Benny stepped on a Black widow spider,
The spider bit him on the toe,
Although Benny did not suddenly die,
He felt a great deal of woe,

Benny’s toe turned really green,
And then it turned really blue,
His toe swelled up till it was obscene,
Then Benny cried Ooh, Ooh,

Benny washed his toe real clean,
He finally nursed it well,
He covered it with Vaseline,
Mixed with petroleum gel,

Now Benny wears shoes all the time,
He will never take any chance,
His recovery was just sublime,
Yet, his toe still hurts too much to dance.

THE STATE FAIR

I went to visit the state fair,

The animals were nude, naked and bare,
I found it obscene,
My eyes were unclean,
I wished I had never gone there.

ODE TO THE HAIRY TUNA

There is a hairy tuna,
He swims out in the sea,
Where the hairy tuna swims,
Is where hairy tuna be,

The hairy tuna eats small fish,
He eats them night and day,
When small fish see him coming,
They'd best swim fast away,

The hairy tuna swims real fast,
No net or line he fears,
If you dream of catching him,
Your dreams will turn to tears,

The hairy tuna will soon retire,
To the Caribbean Sea,
To see if children he can sire,
As hairy and fast as he.

TRACK THREE THANKS TO BARLEY

Two Track Michigan was where I was born,

One track led into town, one track led out to corn,

Then, along came Mr. Farley,

He changed out corn to hops and barley,

Now a third track the beer trucks adorn.

I BUILT A CITY IN JUST 4 SQUARE FEET

I built a model city using only 4 square feet,

It even has a factory that makes drums for kids to beat,

And of course it has a tiny train,

With a small airport for a plane,

And through a window at city hall, sits the mayor in his seat.

TROLLNG FOR MONSTERS WAY OUT IN THE BAY

I was trolling for monsters way out on the bay,
I thought I had caught one when my line spooled away,
But, it was negative rub,
When up came the sub,
Then, the sub dove and I followed, good day.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay, 
Then, a big one swallowed me and my boat all the way,
My mind was real dizzy,
As I was digested in fizzy,
Now, as poop on the bottom I lay.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay,
When I fell in love with a monster some fishermen say,
Our first hatched we named Barry,
Was both scaly and hairy,
Married a walrus and moved to LA.




  



 

I SLEEP AT MY WORKSTATION

I sleep too much and do too little they said,

I sleep at my workstation as much as in bed,

But, their thinking is not deep,

For it is only at work that I sleep,

Afterwork, the wildside is where I will tread.

DEAD GREENS IN THE LAND CALLED ZOO.

DEAD GREENS IN ZOO MICHIGAN

My garden grew and grew,

Then it was suddenly through,

The frost stopped by,

Made my greens all die,

And it's June in KALAMAZOO.

THE TOO TIGHT TIE KNOT

My airway was cut off by my ties too tight knot,

Usually, I leave it loose but this time I forgot,

My boss let me lie on the floor,

For three days, maybe four,

Then had me removed when I started to rot.

 

MY DIET DID NOT GO WELL

I went to sneak a piece of pie,

But a candy bar caught my eye,

To treat them both equal,

I ate them together, not in sequel,

The next day I plead the fifth and didn't lie. 

A LAMENT FOR BILLY THE BATTERY

Billy was a battery,
He didn’t last very long,
His very short longevity,
Seems extremely wrong,

Now Billy’s lost and tormented soul,
Is haunting me every night,
His untimely death has taken its toll,
I can’t see with my worthless flashlight.

BAD WOOD

Will went out in the forest to carve some wood,

Will found a branch, he carved it good,

He carved a fighting stick,

But a wolf broke it quick,

Then Will was like nana, in Red Riding Hood.

MARSUPIAL STEW

I went and scraped marsupials off the road today,

I had to really scrape them, cause they had dried up in the clay,

Consider yourself a winner,

Cause we're having them for dinner,

I know it does not smell so good, but it keeps the bears away.

 

EATING RAW FUNGI AND CAPITAL GAINS

I ate raw fungi and it ate my brains,

I no longer functioned and felt aches and pains,

I bottled the stuff,

Claimed it made people look buff,

Sold my business to Wall Street for capital gains.

BLITHER BLOTHER SAYS "CANDY CANE"

Blither Blother was insane,

All he'd say is "candy cane",

At 42, no potty train,

In the shower he would drain,

But genius tested, was his brain.

BLITHER BLOTHER RAIN

Blither Blother stood in the rain, 

Looking through his window pain,

Wishing that he had a brain,

And stayed inside with his toy train,

Licking on a candy cane.

FEELINGS THE DOG AND BLUE THE CAT

There was a dog named Feelings,
Feelings liked to roll around in the dirt,
His master kept Feelings all penned up,
Because he didn’t want his feelings hurt.

There was a cat named Blue,
He was mean and kind of scary,
Blue would eat only fruit this is true,
Now he looks like a fat blue berry.

MY LITTLE CHIPPY LIMERICK

My little chipmunk has become very crazed,
Since he was a little chippy, on peanuts I raised,
Now he foams at the mouth,
He caught rabies in the South,
And when he gets way to close, he gets tazed.

I WAS ABDUCTED BY ORB ALIENS

I went out fishing in the early afternoon,

I tripped out toward the big fish where I saw moon after moon,

But the moons were orbs on the bay,

They all took me away,

I hope to be back fishing, real soon.

My Travel Journal's Final Entry

When they say Michigan has a lot of tourist traps they must have been talking about getting lost on the back roads. It's getting late and I'm lost out in the backwoods of Northern Michigan.  Luckily, I see an old dirt two-track heading up a heavily wooded hill.  There's bound to be some friendly folks at the end of it who will give me directions back to the main road.  The sun is going down, so I have to take a chance and really, I don't have anything to lose.  

TOO LOOSE TO TREK

Sammy was a too loose goose; too loose to trek,

Sammy started up a hill and then said, "to heck"

Sammy had to way backtrack,

To the outdoor bathroom shack,

By the time he made it there, Sammy was a nervous wreck.

HEAVY DIRT

I went to buy some potting soil,
But, the bags were heavy and I had to toil,
Then, as the bags bounced in my car,
My car springs went ajar,
Hence, my car's smooth ride is a spoil.

I WENT AND SCUFFED MY TENNIS SHOE

I went and scuffed my tennis shoe,
A long black streak across the white and blue,
I was looking sheik,
My social life is now bleak,
My tennies look old, not new.

A BEE TURNED ME INTO A COUCH POTATO

What an antagonist is the bee,
Especially, the one who left his stinger in me,
My foot felt such a bad ouch,
I've spent two weeks on the couch,
And I'm thinking I might make it three.

DONNY FINGERED WRONG HIS TROMBONE, NOW HE PLAYS ALL ALONE

Donny got so excited yanking his trombone,

That he broke his finger bone,

Now he's so sad,

Because he now plays so bad,

He was fired from the band for his musical tone.

TOAST TOPPINGS

I put some bacon on my toast,
With a banana and hunk of roast,
And a chunk of cheese,
Then ice cream to please,
Topped with cherries, which I love the most.

I DEEMED MY BEER NUTS TO BE FAULTY

I deemed my beer nuts to be faulty,
They were not sweet but were salty,
My nuts in the bag,
Had a misleading tag,
So my snack time I put on halty.

MY NEW APPARTMENT: WATCH THE FIRST STEP

I immediately fell through the floor,😯

As soon as I came through the door,😬

Then, I knew quite well,🤕

I'd found a new place to dwell,😌

For it would certainly be priced for the poor.🤑

OLD WHIPPLE'S DIPPED APPLES

Old Whipple was not in the head, right, 
He dipped apples and left them out overnight,
To no one's surprise,
The apples were covered with flies,
Old Whipple served them as though they came out just right.

A TREE TOAD LIMERICK

A tree toad ate whole apples all day,
He would then spit the seeds far away,
One time he hit a chicken,
He then got a good lick-en,
Now he swallows the seeds to obey.

IT WAS BITTER TWEET

It was a very bitter tweet,

That I received for my deceit,

I told grandma, I had soar feet,

So I couldn't stop by, for sup to eat,

My rat sister exposed, I went clubbing for meat.

A VERY CHEEKY ZOMBIE

A Zombie attacked me from the rear,

I turned to stick a screwdriver into it's ear,

But, that dead-eyed sneak freak,

Bit off my right cheek,
I'll soon be a zombie, I fear.

PEOPLE HAVE FLAVOR HAIKU

People have flavor,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

I stare, big pig stares,
I see pork, pig sees chicken,
Diner or dinner?

I WENT TO SHOOT TARGETS

I went to shoot targets with my new recurve bow,
I let loose the arrow and boy did it go,
But there were no accolades from charm,
For I hit my dad in the arm,
He stood  too close to the big plastic doe.

THE INTERVENTION MADE ME A LOSER

My cow loves her alcohol, but her milk is full of booze,

And every time I drink her milk, I have to take a snooze,

With the pig, goat, rooster and horse,

The cow got an intervention, of course,

Now depressed, she won't give milk, and the vitamin D I lose.

ALIEN UBER DRIVER HOPS

Genuine product of planet 2-Sop,

Alien to Earth but, makes circles with crop,

Yelling in language that make human ears pop,

Pretending to drink beer like an all local sop,

Residing downtown at a cheap rundown flop,

Insisting to all that it be a time cop,

Daytime making coin driving Uber, non-stop,

Eventually, walking like humans, not like rabbits that hop.

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

WHY DO I WORK FOR LITTLE PAY AND "GO, GO, GO!"

"Why are the stakes so high when the pay is so very low?"

That's exactly what I stated when I was told to, "go, go, go!"

My boss said my frustration,

Added to his exhilaration,

And, also caused his big bonus to "grow, grow, grow!"

HOW I CURED ZOMBIE BREATH

With the zombies I grew real tight,

They even taught me how to bite,

Soon, I was their boss,

I made them use toothpaste and floss,

Now, zombie breath is a victim's delight.

THE PLIGHT OF URINAL WHITE

I painted the bathroom wall,

When I got to the urinal stall,

Because of the family's poor eyesight,

I didn't match the paint with urinal white,

Fearing in a week it wouldn't look good at all.

BARRY THE COMIC WITH BRONCHITIS LIMERICK

Barry was a comic with bronchitis so bad,
His hacking though his monologue made everyone sad,
His jokes would have been very funny,
But distracted by his hacks and nose so runny,
When the monologue was over we were glad.

SUE'S MUTINY AT SEA LIMERICK

There once was a sailor named Sue,
She planed  a mutiny at just half past two,
When the officers surrendered,
She had them dismembered,
And fed the arms and legs to the crew.

THE MIXED METAPHOR SCORE

I love to mix the metaphor,

Like shooting ducks in barrels in a row,

It makes the over educated roar,

But speaks to the minions who already know.

PSYCHOSIS AND POST-NASAL DRIP IN HAMSTERS

Harlan the hamster had post-nasal drip,
It embarrassed him so, his mind started to slip,
He thought he was a Procter,
And, a university doctor,
But, the students greeted him with a flip.

THE GALAXY CALLED NORM

As the toilet swirls so, goes the galaxy called Norm,

Often you can see it after an evening thunderstorm,

And, if in that galaxy you wish to be,

It takes four batteries labeled "D",

You'll  also need a flashlight to travel in photon form. 

  

SUMMER HOLIDAY WEATHER FICTION PREDICTION

I spent lot's of money for a cookout outside,
I chose the Forth for showing national pride,
I relied on the weather prediction,
But it turned out to be fiction,
We were cramped in my '24 double-wide.

DECORATION DAY

On this Decoration Day,

I have to eat my curds and whey,

To attend parades without delay,

And traffic laws I can still obey,

So out of jail, today I'll stay.

THE ROOF CAVED IN ON MY TRAILER

It's roof has had a big failure, complete,

So it's no going back to the trailer to eat,

I guess I'll be camping outside,

And will have to swallow my pride,

And spray down my whole body with Deet. 

HOTDOG COOKOUT

My cookout hotdogs are looking quite mean,

They have spots that are brown and growths that are green,

But, the guests for the lunch,

I will pickle with punch,

Then, condiments will hide the crime scene.

The spoiled hotdogs I served have made guests really boom,

I wish I'd installed that second bathroom,

And, because of a close Redi Med,

There's just 8 dizzy, 3 dead,

I think the dizzy ones ate some local mushroom. 

THE FABLE OF THE SLOB WITH NO JOB

My IRS tax bill was amazingly tall,

Even though, my paycheck revenue was extremely small,

So, I quit my old job,

To stay at home, be a slob,

Then the bill collectors started to call.

MORAL:  

While thinking you've out thought the system is cool,

BUT YOU CAN'T!

That's why they call it a "system,"  you fool.