JNCLE LEE, TOMATOES AND GHEE

No one has any groceries, except my skin flint, Uncle Lee,

He has two cans of tomatoes, and a l lb. jar of ghee,

Do you think he might share?

That greedy grisly bear,

He might let you look at his stuff, but charge you a hefty fee.

I ONCE HAD A BIG GREEN BOIL

I once had a big green, boil, looming large on my right forearm,

The doctor cut the boil off, leaving a scar for chit, chat charm,

I then grew a great, big zit,

On my nose, it took a sit,

One of the critters bit it off, at granny and grandpa's, goat farm.

PUMPKIN

There once was a bloke, his name was Peter, another bloke, was named Pan,

The first bloke was a pumpkin eater, the second had a pumpkin tan,

Because they said her pumpkin pie was dry,

They both made their little, sweet mommy cry,

Mommy had a blind date greet her, she married him; a pumpkin pie man.

MY PORTFOLIO MAMA, AND THE TWINS

I promised my mama, I'd be curbing most of my sin,

Didn't expect, my stock prices to be sinking down, again,

Mama said, "bad luck", dating, Candy,

Much worse, "nasty", twin sister, Brandy,

I still took both out to good eats, and bought each a nice din.

A DART PLAYER NAMED MEL

I started green bean farming, way down in the deep dell,

Their countywide, square dances there are mightily, swell,

I kick up my guy heels,

To make girl appeals,

But, all the girls hang after a dart player, named Mel.

MATILDA THE ROOSTER

My little rooster chicken, will never hunt,

His name is Matilda, and he is a runt,

He likes blackberry brandy,

And, hard cinnamon candy,

He can't hold his liquor; he pukes, to be blunt.

THE ROAM OF MY IDIOT POEM

I drove to beach to pick up some fresh oysters, and maybe a few dozen fresh clams,

There were sheep in the road, so I did the beep, beep, but ran over a couple of rams,

The sheep herder was real mad,

I gave him cash, all I had,

The herder was excited; his pain unrequited, he tossed me off a cliff onto some rocks, and with one broken arm, I swams.

MY AVATAR IS A JAR HEAD

I am afraid I will need a new avatar,

Mine got run over by a driverless, cab car,

There's a large crack in his head,

The avatar is real dead,

I'll honor him, by putting his head in a jar.

PORK RINDS AND DOOMSCROLLING, WILL MAKE KAPPIE HAPPY

Kappie is a not too happy boy, a miserable old boy is he,

He always lifts great weights, eats powdered drinks, but real flimsy, Kappie be,

As lonely Kappie grows older,

Girl's reactions, grow colder,

Now that Kappie's past his prime, he should eat pork rind, and doomscroll his tv. 

BLUE TOTE ORGANIC FERTILIZER

My dear neighbor, has a herd of fat goats,

He collects their poop in plastic, blue totes,

He makes many a big buck,

When his totes fill up a truck,

Then from the truck, they're transferred to big boats.

LEE DID NOT PAY HIS TAXES ON TIME

Lee did not pay his taxes on time,
So, he committed a serious crime,
He'll spend years in jail,
And, so ends his tale,
Lee won't appear again in a rhyme.

7921

LITTLE GARGOYLES ARE CUTE, BUT I GAVE THEM THE BOOT

I did my daily doomscrolling after midnight,

The spirits squeezed up to my body, really tight,

On all the channels I could see,

Videos strictly about me,

Fighting gargoyles, that were one tenth of my height.

AFTER MY LAST TRADE, I DRANK DITCH WATER

All currencies went crashing, even the dollar and crown,

All of the stocks and bonds I own, went down, down, down, down, down,

My heart blew a right gasket,

They stuffed me in a casket,

They buried me in a ditch; I wore my funeral gown.

JOLLY ROGER WEASELS, OR FAMILY

Four weasels sailed together, out into an ocean bay,

Two weasels became rogue pirates, and decided to stay,

But Loretta and Seymour,

Swam back to the ocean shore,

They started a family, by the second week in May.

DAVY AND THE SEAHORSE

When Davy dove under the sea,

He met a seahorse named Lee,

And, for just a dime each,

The seahorse gave rides to the beach,

The beach was where Davy went for his tea.

121323

E AND GREEN BETTY

My friend Mr. E was a POI,

A person of interest, maybe a spy,

He spoke fluent Yeti,

Dated his secretary, Green Betty, 

Almost everything that he said was a lie.

Mr. E's secretary always wore green,

She matched the wallpaper and was seldom seen,

What she overheard, 

She recalled word for word,

Mr. E didn't need a recording machine.

Mr. E vanished shortly after the war,

Some say his enemies just evened a score,

The police found blood and makeup on his bedroom door,

And, one red-stained handkerchief on his living room floor,

The red stain turned out to be wine, just wine, nothing more, 

Betty died at age eighty, unmarried and all alone,

She still had Mr. E's stuff and number on his phone,

Betty said she knew nothing of E's vanishing thing,

But, she wore a rare green diamond in a gold wedding ring,

And, was buried next to a grave that had just "E" on the stone.

61322

SMOKING WILL MAKE YOUR NEIGHBORS, FLY AND RUN AWAY

I was on the screaming fire truck, as it left the big firehouse,

We headed out onto the hot burning plains, where lived, and dwelt the grouse,

The grouse were all in retreat,

Some were flying, some on their feet,

They claimed the fire was started, by a cigarette, addicted mouse.

FLOWERS FOR ALLEN RON

I bought some red roses, for my best mate, Allen Ron,

He lies out in the graveyard, next to his brother, Jon,

They were quite a bro pair,

Both were nerdy, and square,

I'm sure they've rotted away, for it's decades, they're gone.

MY INVESTMENT STRATEGY? APPARENTLY, IT IS TO LOSE

None of my AI stocks have not done very good,

Should have invested in a cord of firewood,

At least I'd be warm,

During the spring storm,

I will have to move to a low rent neighborhood.

HARD TIMES FOR TRASH NEDING CASH

I turned my car in, for some cold, hard cash,

I needed money, because I am trash,

I walked way downtown,

Bought a cake, twas brown,

Then bought a coffee, with my penny stash.

FEED THE COWS

I grow some corn to feed my cows, along with alfalfa hay,

I make sure to feed all of my cows, on each and every day,

Once all my cows are fully filled,

I drink a pop that's chilly chilled,

I relax and wait for slaughter trucks, to truck my cows away.

82524

THE SEASON OF MINOR LEAGUE BASEBALL

The season is short and the leggings are tall,

The hot dogs are tainted,so hot sauce them all,

And, I'll fight for my seat,

Where I can both see and can eat,

It's the season for Minor League Ball,

And, everyone knows when the villain is here,

He moves around too much and knocks over your beer,

Of course, he does not stop,

For he knocks over mom's pop,

He's a creep, but he's also my peer,

My team last season, didn't do well at all,

So poorly, their stats I do not recall,

But, I don't dwell on their past,

For that time is cast,

At least until their playoffs, in the fall.

41323

I HAD FOOD INSECURITY, UNTIL I FOUND MY TOES

I had a couple of extra toes, and I cut them off for the meat,

I went two days hungry, and needed something protein that I

could eat,

It is winter, so there are no bugs,

I checked the bed; I checked the rugs,

I did find a ciggy butt to munch, but it tasted just like dog feet.

22825

PIMPLES, WARTS AND COURTS

Parker was a big pimple, who had a home on Denny's knee,

Denny popped Parker Pimple, then Denny's knee was pimple free,

Then there was Denny's Hilda, a lawyer turned nose wart,

Hilda stopped being removed, by order of the court,

Denny still dug Hilda out, then in contempt of court was he.

AI IS TOO HUMAN

My home has been invaded by pesky, AI bots,

They insist on urinating in my flower pots,

And, whoever knew?

AI bots had to poo,

So, I send them outside to neighborhood, vacant lots.

THE HENRY TRIED WRINKLE CREAM POEM AND HAIKU

POEM
Henry tried some wrinkle cream,
Upon the button on his belly,
It made his button really red,
Like a lump of raspberry jelly,

Poor Henry, his button is still all wrinkled,
And, the cream had burned him soar,
Now, his face is drawn and crinkled,
Because, the pain he could bear, no more.

HAIKU
Vain Henry, wrinkled,
Belly Button, wrinkle cream,
Ouch, burns, still wrinkled.

11823

INTERNATIONAL SWEET PEAS, AND JANE

I went to Canada to pick delicious, sweet peas,

I don't like Florida peas, because they make me sneeze,

I popped over to Maine

Met my girlfriend, Jane,

We ate all my sweet peas, gained lots of weight, now we tease.

I VENT

My new cinnamon stick came out of the box, all bent,

Of course, back to the manufacturer it was sent,

In either coffee or tea,

A stick, shouldn't dissolve early,

And, I am so cruel,  I don't miss a chance to mean vent.

HOUSE PAINTING HAIKU

Climb ladder, start paint,
Drop paint can, splash, yellow grass,
Yellow tongued bulldog.

22022

BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

7523

WHEN THE FIRST BIRDS BUILT A NEST JIMMY CHEERED

When the first birds built a nest Jimmy cheered,
For the winter lasted longer than he feared,
His food was all gone,
He had no stuff left to pawn,
All he had left was to chew on his beard.

32422

Hello! I am not human.

AT THE END I AM PILES

I fell off a cliff, and looked down at big, sharp, nasty stones,

I knew that soon upon them, I'd be bleaching my broke bones,

Then I saw a tiger,

A lion and a liger,

I knew I'd soon be in scat piles, with scat pile tones.

SPARKY THE DOG

Sparky is my sweetie dog,

In my shoes he leaves his log,

I told Sparky he was  bad,

His eyes got really big, sad,

That's the end of this dog blog.

11924

I CAME IN LAST IN THE TRUMPET BLOW

I played in the trumpet competition, and came in number nine,

My teacher said I sounded o.k., my mama said I did fine,

Being judged number nine out of eight,

Is a very hard to figure fate,

I think that the judges blended tequila, with their apple wine.

DOOMSCROLLING FOR VAMPIRES: GREEN TOOTH

I was doomscrolling for vampires, and found one with a long, green tooth,

He got it stuck in a catsup bottle, while in a restaurant booth,

It was his unlucky sup,

For the sun was coming up,😥

Vampires never survive, when the sunlight burns them; that is the truth.🌞

TWO PANCAKES RUE THIS DAY

Two pancakes walked into a bar,

They wanted to borrow a car,

They were tossed on a plate,

By a lumberjack, mate,

Then, bathed with syrup from a fresh opened jar.

22421

JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

31122

POACHING MY WAY TO JAIL

My dinner was a little fish, its corpse was flaky and tender,

I caught it out of season, so I am a poaching fish, offender,

Last night I ate a rabbit,

I poached it; a bad habit, 

Tuesday my crimes go before a judge, and to jail, he'll be my sender.

21925

HE FRANKED AROUND AND FOUND OUT

Frank was bald as a marble, yet coveted thick, long hair,

Frank was inspired, when he eye spied, Big Benny The Bear,

Frank went hunting for Benny,

The hair?  Frank didn't get any,

But, Benny with his claws, skinned Frank, and made skin underwear.

THE TENDER LOVE OF CHICKENS

I had a chicken named Jenny,
She hung out with a rooster named Benny,
When Benny walked through the ferns,
With his long comb and sideburns,
Jenny thought her beau wasn't just any.

When my chicken Jenny married Benny the rooster,
I decided to make my chicken dinner a twoster,
I invited family to the feast,
Of the bird couple beasts,
Their love was a real tender booster.

10121

FANCY DRESS AND FIX YOUR HAIR, BUT DO NOT EAT THE PIGS

I am very afraid, and hiding out, down deep in my digs,

It's the end of summer, and people are all roasting us pigs,

We kindly pigs are forsaken,

So, I'm protecting my bacon,

Soon, busy people will fancy dress,  and saloon their nice wigs.

91123

I HAVE NO EGG FOR BIRTHDAY CAKE

I have no eggs to scramble, and I have an egg and sausage ache,

I have no eggs for baking, and my kid wants a nice birthday cake,

What do.I do?

Who do I sue?

Grandma just died from the bird flu, now her poached egg, the angels make.

MY PLAN TO DESTROY THE BRAIN WORM

It seems, my alien brain worm is twisting, and twisting really bad,

It makes one side of my face smile happy, and the other, tear sad,

I'll eat  greased, French fries,

So my  brain worm dies,

The worm will die from a stroke, and my butt will be a soft, sitting pad.

THE TIRE SWING WAS NOT MY THING

I had a tire swing, roped to the branch of an oak tree,

It wasn't fancy, but the swing was fun, and it was free,

When I fell off, and down I went,

I broke my woodwind, clarinet,

I also broke my neck and arm, and skinned up my right knee.

APARTMENT FIRE, BEAN SUPPER PROSPECTS? DIRE

All of my big brain was completely locked-in,

On getting some sweet, baked beans, out of a tin,

It's was a small, rusty can

The opener ran, and ran,

There was a fire, now I'll not get my din.

UNCLE LEE PUT A HORN TO HIS LIPS, THEN HE WENT TO JAIL

When I saw the gold, twisted, bugle, I knew that it was for me,

But, after I bought the bugle, I gave it to my Uncle Lee,

My Uncle Lee, felt reborn,

Tooting on his toot, toot horn,

But, he made too much noise on his horn, so the jail is where he be.

CASTOR BEANS, AND THE UNSPOKEN DRESS CODE

My neighbor's been living on castor beans, for about, the last couple of years,

He's had the chocolate, backdoor trots, as attested to by most of his peers,

His professional peers have suggested,

That my neighbor's diet, be divested,

Alas, for work, my neighbor used a large  plug, which allayed backdoor, display fears.

COLOR/COLOUR

Why do we spell colour/color in two completely, different ways,

I pine for that answer, before the dismal end, of my days,

In my school youth, I was often failed,

Expelled, I was violent, and jailed,

My life ruined because I spell colour/color, so teachers go craze.

THE EVIL LITTLE PEANUT

Oh, evil little peanut that sits on my kitchen floor,
Who knew your presence would cause me such dramatic horror?
For last night my great big foot,
Was upon you quite hard put,
Then, great pain I felt within and without my soul's eternal core,

Oh, evil little peanut have you not a bit of shame?
For although you disabled me, upon me you placed the blame,
For I sued you in the court,
Where you gave a false report,
There you said it was my clumsiness that left me hurt and lame.

32921

I SPY ON THE KITTY

I launched a satellite into the sky,

I only launched it, so I could go spy,

I have a little, gray cat,

Never knew where she is at,

Now I know, and her privacy goes, bye.

MY POVERTY AND SKINNY JEANS

The place where I live, we have little income means,

That is why we live on rice, beetle bugs and beans,

I eat a few teaspoons of food,

I've evolved; I'm a thinner dude,

I wish I had money, to buy some skinny jeans.

MARS? DON'T GO THERE

I traveled to Mars, and there wasn't much scenery there,

Just a sickly coconut tree and a small koala bear,

No place good to eat,

No one served fresh meat,

There was a cheap, beauty shop, where they washed and permed my hair.

THE NASTY INTERNET IS MEAN

The internet is nasty, and I got told off in several, meanie ways,  

I was harassed daily by mean emojis, and trolled with fake, sarcastic praise,

I got told off,  by single fingers,

Real naughty, love position, zingers,

I was oft posted in an AI, distorted pic., both eyes covered with glaze. 

HEALTHY MIDNIGHT JAW EXERCISE

Twas the middle night, and I shorted the fridge a pepper, cabbage coleslaw,

I love eating vegetables late at night, but only ones that are raw,

I'll have two buttered buns,

Only big, puffy ones,

The buns and veggies I'll enjoy as a treat, and soft chew them with my jaw.

HARVEY HAS NO RIZZ

Harvey The Hobo,  had complete lack of normal, human rizz,

No one wanted to be a part, of Harvey's personal bizz,

Romantic? Harvey might just be,

If one likes itch bites, from a flea,

Nobody wants Harvey love; that's on my bingo card and quiz.

I ATE TOO MUCH AND GOT FAT

I have been eating the dogs and the cats,

And, the guano that falls from the cave bats,

I've eaten the things under logs,

Like bugs, snakes and frogs,

I've eaten so much, they're calling me, "Fats".

DOOMSCROLLING MILLIONAIRE

I've been hired as a doomscroller, on the World Wide Web,

The position makes me famous; I'll be a party celeb,

I'll crunch down, and forward my spine,

While watching the crazed ones, opine,

Then I'll comment for coffees, until the interest doth ebb.

DIGGING IN THE DARK, UP IN NOSTRIL PARK

My next door neighbor's index finger, got stuck in much deeper, than it looks,

My neighbor got caught digging out deep, dark boogers, using fingers for hooks,

He got caught red handed, and feels shame,

With only his nasty self to blame,

I bet he's the person at the library, wiping boogers in the books.

SQUAT AND FORAGE LIKE A MAN

I live in a dilapidated, housing den,

Along with 16 other homeless, hungry men,

We go to the zoo,

Eat animal poo,

Then rummage in garbage, after curfew, at ten.