BARRY THE VAMPIRE LIKED AN ICE CREAM CONE

Barry the vampire liked an ice cream cone,
But, dairy allergies gave him a funny skin tone,
He turned really grass green,
Vampires thought him unclean,
Now, he is sucking down blood all alone.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T USE TOILET PAPER, GET THEIR OWN OFFICE

Jumbo couldn't find the toilet paper, so he went back to bed,

He figured if a day starts nasty, the day was full of dread,

At noon, Jumbo got a call,

From his workmate, named Paul,

It seems, Jumbo the great slacker, was made the department head.

THE STOCK MARKET CRASHES WHILE I EAT CORN BEEFY HASHES

When the stock market started to crash,

I opened a can of corn beefy hash,

I ate my troubles away,

Until, the end of today,

Then, I ran out of my corn beefy stash.

LONELY MORRIS, THE MUSICAL ELF

When Morris ate beans, it made him toot,

Sometimes a 29 gun salute,

Morris was Santa's Elf,

Painted toys by himself,

He retired a lonely old coot.

BIG UGLY DUMB GATOR TOOK MY BOOKS

Big Ugly Gator took my books, and burned them all,

Gator burned my coloring books, that made me bawl,

He then gave me a book,

On how pork, I should cook,

Big Ugly Dumb Gator has some real nasty gall.

BOUNCED PEACHES

I bought some peaches at the store,
My son bounced them on the floor,
"The peaches didn't bounce,"
My son would announce,
So, I fixed him peach cobbler at four.

KNEE KNOCKERS, BB BALLS AND GNOMES

My statues have some limitations; they stand only 2 feet tall,

When I knock them over, they break, then they are not statues at all,

I don't mind breaking garden gnomes,

Not crazy for their chromosomes,

Then my nephew destroys all the rest, firing his BB ball.

VINCENT ATE SOME JELLY

Vincent the hound dog, found a torpedo by the blue lake,

It was being consumed, by a massive green water snake,

It exploded his belly,

And spread out his snake jelly,

Vincent ate so much jelly, he got a bad tummy ache.

HALLOWEENS AND BEANS

I went to the market to get me some leafy greens,

But, they only had orange, because it was Halloweens,

Yet, it's greens that I need,

So, someone gave me a weed,

They said, weeds taste really good with cured salt pork and beans.

BAD LUCK BROKEN MIRROR LIMERICK AND HAIKU

I broke a mirror now my luck is bad,
My car's in the ditch and it's looking sad,
I can't pay my rent,
To the street I've been sent,
I guess I'll move in with my mom and my dad.

Mirror broke, bad luck,
Car wrecked, lost job,rent due,
Duct tape fix, feel safe.

THE BEAR AND THE DINOSAUR EGG

I went into the deep, dark woods, and found a big dinosaur leg,

It was attached to a dinosaur, sitting on top of an egg,

The dinosaur was not hairy,

So, it was not very scary,

If it had been a hairy bear, then for my life I'd have to beg.

KINDERBEAN ON HALLOWEEN

Kinderbean was a leprechaun,
Upon Halloweeners he'd prey upon,
If you set down your candy bag,
He'd steal it as a gag,
But, he was caught and now he's a con.

I GOT MY PHONE AND MY FREEDOM, NOW ALL I NEED IS LOVE

It was the first day of October month, and my true love says to me,

"Go out and get a job today, or I am smashing your color tv,"

I did not like the mean tone,

Since, the tv is my phone,

So, now I live roofless on the streets,  but from my boyfriend, I am free.

AT WORK I TAPER OFF

Everyday I go to my terrible job,
Where the boss treats me like I'm a dumb slob,
And although you might scoff,
At work I taper off,
With each day a few hours I rob.

MY KITTY CAT

My kitty cat is a nasty yellow cur,
At me he hisses, but with others he’ll purr,
He really hates the hand that feeds,
He scratches me for fulfilling his needs,
I hope he chokes on his ball of yellow fur.

PETE THE OGRE PROTECTED HIS STASH

Pete the ogre had a stash,
He had some silver coins and a bag full of cash,
When a thief would sneak round,
The ogre made a hideously loud sound,
The thief would run off with a whiplash.

THE HARVEST MOON CHANGES PETER INTO A BIG RIGGER

The Harvest Moon rose, and was so very bright, and super big,

Pete was blinded and could not do homework, for his class in trig,

Well, Pete rested a slight spell,

On failing trig, Pete did dwell,

So, Pete chose to drop out of college, now he drives a big rig.

A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SUE LIMERICK

There was a leprechaun named Sue,
Her hair was red, her eyes were blue,
A man from the city,
Thought she was real pretty,
They married and moved to Peru.

THE BIGFOOT IN THE TIMBERED AISLES

Deep within the timbered aisles,

Lies the Bigfoot with his wiles,

Look all you want,

He's unseen and will taunt,

Leaving his hair, prints and piles.
 

I WENT QUEENING

I went to Kalkaska, to visit the queen,

She was not there, but she left her trampoline,

I did a  jumpity jumped,

Until the ceiling I bumped,

I bumped so hard, my DNA lost a gene.

THE FALCON-CHICKEN STORY

There was a falcon big and true,
He watched Jimbo's chickens from a tree limb view,
Jimbo had a rooster, chick and hen,
In a topless chicken pen,
Now, the roster's gone and Jimbo's chickens number two.

I WONT EAT THE BABY FROGS

I ate all my protein fresh, frozen and canned,

Then, I spied them through my window asleep on the sand,

They weren't corn dogs,

They were just baby frogs,

They were cute so hence, frog meat is banned.

POOR TODD OF TOOTVILLE

Poor Todd of Tootville City,

His tooter plugged and he received no pity,

In the band Todd's horn didn't toot,

So, he received the boot,

Now, he's famous because of this ditty.

BIG MEAN SISTER SHOULD BE NICER

My meanest, biggest sister pushed toward the door,

Stumbling, I slipped and slapped my face on the floor,

It made such a mess,

Bloodied my new dress,

I won't make you sick, with the rest of the gore.

HEXED IN SPACE

Leon went and bought some blue birdie, hard sugar candy,

Using money he got from the hot lands where it's sandy,

Leon was afraid of a Halloween hex,

So he launched his spaceship toward red planet X,

But, Leon's hex played in his head, "Yankee Doodle Dandy".

THE LITTLE SQUIRT DIDN'T MAKE IT TO MARS

Leon came to see me, but I didn't say a single word,

I saw 4 people walk past him, and each gave him the bird,

I knew his feelings were badly hurt,

He lost his rocket, called little squirt,

His rocket was unpopular, and he thought that absurd.

THE PHAMPHLETEERS

They hand out Pamphlets all day and all night,

About finding bedbugs, and treating their bite,

The greatest bedbug fears,

Are those brave phamfleteers,

That's why bedbugs keep hiding, just out of sight.

DENNY PAINTED POTS

Denny the pot painter was famous in these parts,

His purple painted pots, won the pot critics hearts,

He was a great painter,

Of the pot container,

For extra money, he would clean grocery carts.

THE PAINTER OF DOORS

There was a girl named Goldie Brown,

Her hair was red, like Bozo The Clown,

She slept and ate meals,

In her Ford four wheels,

Painting doors, as she drove town to town.

 

THE CARROT FARMER GOES NUTS

After creepy Mitch harvested all of his carrots,

He found no room in the house, for two squawking parrots,

Mitch left the parrots outside,

The parrots both froze and died,

Mitch dined on parrot pie, with his two silent ferrets.

ROADS DIVERGE BUT THE CHOICE MATTERS NOT

Two roads went different ways in the deep, dark woods,
I was returning home late with my grocery dry-goods, 
Down one road a bear growled,
Down the other a wolf howled,
So, I ran away as fast as I coulds.

WOODENPECKERS AND TERMITES

I found a pile of termite turds,

I was quite unnerved, a loss for words,

I used some termite spray,

Termites, went went away,

Now, I'm troubled by peckerwood birds.

HUNTING WITHOUT A LICENSE LIMERICK

At hunting camp we hunted for ducks,
But, the license costs really big bucks,
So, what could we loose?
If violating we choose,
Now, we’re in jail and that really sucks.

MY BLUE SEA-HORSEY FRIEND

My blue sea-horsey was not true,

He was more gray than he was blue,

But, I gave no spanking,

With a friendship down-ranking,

Still best friends no matter species or hue. 

TOILET PAPER VERSUS RINSING.

When the restaurant ran out of toilet paper, everyone rinsed in the sink,

When the sink was full and smelly, they used the fountain where we all use to drink,

I had one can of spray,

It did not last all day,

The health department wrote sixty citations, and used up ten pens of red ink.

I SUE OVER APPLE WARTS

I found a wart on my apple, while drinking homemade port,

So, I thought I'd take the apple maker, to small claims court,

The apple maker was a tree,

He apologized to me,

He said usually warts on apples, are found when we sort.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEDS

Goldilocks went to a hotel, and rented a bedroom, with a bed,

But, she couldn't sleep on it, because the pillow hurt her head,

She asked, and got another room,

Fine bed, but next door was a boxed boom,

Next room, nice bed, but she had to share with a hoodie, some called, Red. 

REGARDING TUNA FISH

Regarding tuna fish, I was it's biggest fan,
Until yesterday, when I opened up a can,
It was just fins and bones,
And scales of all tones,
Maybe, I shouldn't buy the cheaper store brand.

BEWARE OF SPACEMEN WITH PYRAMIDS

A space-man built a pyramid ship in the middle of my backyard,

Then, he told me to stay away from it, and he posted a robot guard,

But, when the robot had to recharge I snuck inside the ship,

Inside, I found a swimming pool, and so I took a dip,

And, while I took a swim, the space-man stole my credit card. 

ODE TO THE BOVINE

It was a nice and sunny day,

So I went outside to play,

Found some cows and gave them hay,

They said, "get lost...", and I obey,

At night, inside the house I stay,

THE ZOMBIE IN THE APPLE TREE II

There was a big zombie sitting in my apple tree,

Now, he is terrorising glass jars, in my pantry,

He's eating all the canned pears,

And, those canned diced, carrot squares,

I no longer need the stores, he ate my family.

A ZOMBIE IN MY APPLE TREE

There was a zombie sitting in my apple tree,

Chewing on the bones of my little collie,

I called him a brat,

Told him to scat,

He just kept chewing, and looked funny at me.

MICHIGAN ZOMBIE RUNS

In Michigan the zombies all carry guns,

They smell really bad, and don't understand puns,

Like all zombies, they bite,

With no teeth, they bite lite,

And, their cheap beer gives the zombies the runs.

PUT THE SQUEEZE ON TOOTH PASTE TUBE

I think that it is a tremendous waste,
Because I can't squeeze out all of my tooth paste,
The tube is so long,
And I am not strong,
Time is short, I'll open a new tube with haste.

THE URBAN DICTIONARY AND MY DRINKING

The urban dictionary, I dunno,

The words infest my brain, then start to grow,

I went to my old pub,

Now, labeled a hub,

They're still asking for the tab that I owe.

DETENTION PSYCHOSIS IN THE 5TH DIMENSION LIMERICK

Billy's barn was in the 5th dimension,
He dreamed it up while in detention,
It was his artistic vent,
Because his mind was all bent,
Billy's psychosis had fathered invention.

WITCH SPELLING FUN, AND ZITS

Donny liked to eat a pan of bacon grease, fried grits,

But, every time he ate them, Donny broke out with big zits,

So, Donny got a witch to cast a spell,

It cleared his blemishes, very well,

But, Donny got a side affect, tuna fish smelling arm pits.

FISHING FOR GILDA

I had one worm in the bucket, but needed to catch two fish,

I broke the worm in half, and with each half made a different wish,

I caught a sunfish, I caught a big perch,

I had fish for my cats, Gilda and Lerch,

But, what I had wished for, was a raise, and a satellite dish.

STROBING MAKES EYEBALLS REALLY SOAR

There was a tiny twinkle in the little star,

A twinkle, like the big headlamp on Ned's old car,

Some call it a strobe light,

A rave party delight,

Strobe driving hurts Ned's eyeballs, he can't drive far. 

ENDOMORPH

APPLES FOR DEAR MEAT

Benny went out to pick apples, this day,

So the winter famine, Benny could keep away,

But, the apples were gone,

Ate by a doe and her fawn,

So, Benny chews on venison all day.

BELL'S WISHING WELL TO HELL

I knew a pretty, young witch named, Wanda Bell,

She wished up demons from her deep wishing well,

One gave pa a pox,

Caused ma to detox,

I took one of Bell's demons to show and tell.

THE CARP EYE ON PAUL

There was a salmon named Paul,

He liked to jump the waterfall,

Salmon girlfriends, he had many,

But, caught the eye of the carp, Jenny,

And, Jenny was no salmon at all.

LIFE ROUNDED BY TOOTHPASTE

I have toothpaste after breakfast then, more toothpaste after lunch,

I have my last toothpaste, before I do the pillow punch,

I live life around toothpaste,

Some say that's a great waste,

But, I chew my steak much easier; just a hunch. 

SPEED KILLED THE SNOWMAN

I ran over a snowman going too fast on my snowmobile,

I was sentenced to 1,000 snow days with no possible appeal,

So, I stayed home 1,000 days,

Watching television plays,

I also wrote a letter saying how ashamed I feel.

CHIPMUNKS: CUTE FUZZY DISASTER HAIKU

Chipmunks, fuzzy, cute,
Digging under fireplace,
Bricks fall, down comes wall.

Chipmunk tunneling,
Driveway cracks, deck falls apart,
House sinks, floors slant, cute!

FLYING PIG LIMERICK

Everyone wonders "when pigs fly?,"

I happen to know it’s on the 4th of July,,

They strap on firecrackers that night,

Then, they light them and fly out of sight, 

When the bombs burst bacon falls from the sky. 

  

I BOUGHT SOME STOCK LIMERICKS

I bought some stock and hoped for a pop,
But, I watched the stock price drop, drop, drop,
How could anyone know?
How low it would go,
At least at zero the price fall did stop.

I bought a stock and the price went violently down,
I ended up with a penny though I started with a crown,
The losses were so bleak.
When it is profit that I seek,
I lost my crib and will have to leave town.

I invested in stock and boy was I wrong,
Now I sit on a corner begging food for a song,
The market is bad,
It made me feel really sad,
I should have sold short but, instead I went long.

THE THREE SIBLINGS WERE UP TO NO GOOD

The three siblings told their ma, they were off to pick flowers,

It was just a lie, so the siblings could slip away for hours,

They went dolly shopping that day,

They each bought a Barbie, for play,

They could afford only one Ken doll, so he got bestowed super powers.

I'LL MAKE MY KIDS SO STUPID, THEY'LL TURNOUT JUST LIKE ME

My kids didn't respect me, because their learning went too far,

So, I banned them from the internet, and bought them a VCR,

All their books I had to burn,

Keeping them stupid, is my greatest concern,

Now they'll become just like me, and trade info at the bar.