THE PETOSKEY STONE LIMERICK, FESTIVAL AND CELL PHONE WARNING

My shinny petoskey stone, 
Made of something; maybe coral or bone,
I found one on the beach, 
And, what did it teach,
Watch out for water if you drop your cell phone.

POLES FOR SECURE, HEALTHY PIGS

If I had enough poles I could pen up my pigs,

They could not wander off if I built secure digs,

And, pigs grow better rib,

In a safe secure crib,

Besides, pigs are healthier if they can't get to cigs.

IN CAME THE WATER AND DOWN WENT THE FLOOR

I bought a trailer between a river and a lake,

The property flooded and I had water intake,

Finally, the water left out the door,

But, caved in went the floor,

Methinks my property buy a mistake.

,

LITTLE WIGGINS THE PIG PART II

Little Wiggins was a pig,
Little Wiggins liked to dig,
He tried digging through a concrete floor,
Now Little Wiggins digs no more,
He wore down his hooves now he is soar,
Little Wiggins is a real dumb boar.

I WONDER ABOUT FISH

I wonder what the fish are thinking?

And, because fish are in water are they always drinking?

I wonder if they speculate about the nature of land,

Or, have tried watching cable using "On Demand."

I wonder if fish can perceive that they're sinking?
Or, do their eyeballs get dirty because, they're never blinking?

GRANDPA'S DIRT FARM

A dirt farm, some pigs and a still,
Grandpa's old farmhouse on the hill,
Although the old man was poor,
He'd work till he was sore,
Then on his whisky and ham he would fill.

THE DAN WHO FARTED

My name is Dan,

Because I'm a man,

I eat beans from a can,

And eggs from a pan,

From the house, I got a ban.

SQUASH BLOSSOM DINNER

I fried me some squash blossoms in my old frying pan,

Then I fried me some baked beans, I cut out of a can,

Although it all smelled like carpet-feet,

It was a real tasty treat,

Then I rested by my big, old box fan.

THERE ONCE WAS A PEASANT

There once was a peasant named Bill,
Finding pennies gave him a thrill,
He once found a dime,
But, it was only one time,
Finding pennies was his only skill.

Can I Vote?

I wonder if I still can vote?

I never learned to read nor wrote,

My address is a giant tote,

Out on the bay is where I float,

I eat goat cheese from my own goat,

I don't wear cloths under my coat,

Can't sing a song, not one dang note,

If I had a sail I'd have a boat,

I wonder if I still can vote?

BRENDA DINES ALONE

Brenda would serve all types of hard cheese,

Along with some cornbread and homemade herb teas,

Though she dined all alone,

With her stuffed cat named, Malone,

She was happy, well balanced, at ease.

 

ANOTHER STUPID LIMERERICK ABOUT LIMERICKS

A limerick pie is nothing more,
Than stringing words together for,
A little fun,
Maybe a pun,
Or, some wisdom at the core.

GORDO THE DRAGON SLAYER PART II

Gordo bragged he was a dragon slayer,
But, no knight considered him a real player,
When a dragon came around,
Gordo was not to be found,
He ran out of town on any conveyor.

GORDO THE DRAGON SLAYER PART I

Gordo the Dragon Slayer was kind of a runt,
He charged a big dragon but it was a stunt,
The dragon breathed fire,
It made Gordo retire,
The bad burns made poor Gordo grunt.

CARRIE CHEATS AT CHECKERS

Carrie likes to cheat at checkers,
Making false kings via double-deckers,
If you turn away for a time,
She'll add crowns down the line,
For she's the queen of fair game wreckers.

 

A WALK BEFORE SUP

I went for a walk with my dog, Sally,

She took a leak and filled up the valley,

Women and children all cried,

The crocodiles died,

We suped at a brew pub, called Galley.

MY DOG SALLY, DIGS

I went to the park to walk my dog, Sally,

She was excited, and dug a park valley,

I got beat and arrested,

My sanity tested,

Now I live with my dog in an ally.

ODE TO THE QUIET PETS

I wanted very quiet pets upon which I could opine,

So I bought a bowl and those shrimp that are supposed to live in brine, 

Now on the register I set the bowl,

And, had a unanimous shrimp death toll,

Of course I wouldn't have let them boil away if the shrimp could only whine. 

 

THE CHOCOLATE FROSTING ON GRAHAM CRACKERS LIMERICK

I bought some graham crackers to take on a retreat,
I covered them with chocolate frosting; the crackers were ready to eat,
Now, someone brought along their big dog,
He seemed behaved on the long jog,
But, he ate all the crackers while lounging in the back seat.

DAVEY COLLECTED SILVER COINS

Davey collected silver coins minted in the United States,
He had every type of coin and all the coin type dates,
Davey was cleaver and bold,
When the prices were high Davey sold,
Now Davey doesn’t have to work he just skates.

VOTE OFTEN BUT, DON'T TELL

This morning I voted 10 times,

I was informed, 9 of those 10 times were crimes,

I promised, I learned my lesson,

So, I'll stop confessin',

In my stories and limericks and rhymes.

MY END OF JUNE FISHING TRIP

It's the last day of June and fishing I've gone,

I'm catching nothing but weeds from the lake bottoms thick lawn,

It seems no matter what I may do,

I catch weeds brown, green and, blue,

I think my fish stories from today will just be a big yawn.

LOOKS VS BOOKS: THE TRUTH

Gorban was really proud of his great looks,

Which is why he didn't attend to his school books,

But he made lots of money,

And kept happy his honey,

While scholars worked as short order cooks.

THE GREEN SNAKES AND THE TADPOLE

In a small, shallow pond there lived a tadpole named Mike. Now Mike had several hundred brothers and sisters however, Mike’s brothers and sisters had all become frogs and had hopped away into the forest to find their own ponds where they could swim. This left Mike all alone in what seemed to be a much bigger pond than it had been when his brothers and sisters were still there.

One day, two green snakes came slithering into the pond. Mike was at first happy to see that he had some company but, the snakes began chasing after Mike and tried to eat him. Mike was very good at diving so he dove under the water and hid under some lily pads. After a while the snakes left but, the next day the two snakes were back and were again chasing poor Mike all around the pond. Mike screamed “Oh great green snakes please don’t eat me I haven’t even had a chance to grow up and become a frog yet.” But, Mike’s pleas were to no avail and the snakes kept chasing after him. Mike again hid under some lily pads until the snakes left the pond. This went on for about a week then; the green grass snakes went away for the rest of the summer to stay with an aunt and uncle who lived under a nice big rock at the edge of a beautiful lake.

When the summer came to an end the two green snakes returned home. They decided to go down to the little lily pond to see if they could make a snack of that tadpole they had left behind several weeks earlier. The two snakes slithered down to the pond and into the water. They looked all over for the tadpole. They even discovered his secret hiding spot under the lily pads. Finally, as the two green snakes were getting ready to give up looking for the tadpole, they noticed two really strange looking little islands in the middle of the pond. The snakes were curious about the islands because they had never seen them there before so, they swan over to investigate the islands. But, just as the snakes were almost on top of the islands a huge bullfrog surfaced. It seems the islands were actually the bull frog’s eyes and he had been waiting for the snakes to swim over to him.

“Remember me my fine green fellows,” the bull frog said to the snakes. “A few weeks ago I was just a little tadpole swimming around in this lily pond when you guys showed up and tried to eat me. You even came back several times looking for me and you terrified me like you would not believe. You knew then you could get away with terrifying me because at the time I was just a little unimportant tadpole. As you can see now, since you’ve been gone I’ve grown up quite a bit and everyone looks up to me because I have become so big and powerful. And, do you know what food I now like best?” The two snakes just lay in the water too shocked and afraid to move in front of the large bull frog.

The bull frog had a large grin on his face as he said, “My favorite food are green snakes”. With that the bull frog licked his lips and then proceeded to slurp each green snake down whole like a long piece of spaghetti. The bull frog was quite happy that he had devoured those awful snakes who had tormented him so much when he was just a little tad pole.

FASCIST TOOK MY NUTTY FRUITCAKE, AND MY DOUGHNUTS TOO

Well, I rowed my little dingy across the big lake,

Over there fascists steal all the bake goods I bake,

It's so very good to be free,

From fascist aristocracy,

Now I'll feast on my doughnuts and nutty fruitcake.

BENNY BET ON C AND BENNY LOST TO ME

Benny use to like to bet,,

He could hit high C on his cornet,

He'd bet he'd vibrate with B,

Then squeal out a D,

Benny owes me much money, yet.

Like A Trumpet Out Of Tune, Summer Starts In The Month Of June

Summer starts in the month of June,

Not aligned with the full moon,

Somehow that seems quite out of tune,

Like when Jen plays trumpet, after lunch at noon,

It's just hard to breath, after filling your belly so soon.

TEA AND SEA HORSEY

Living 22 meters below the sea,

There was a cute, little sea horsey,

It was a sea horse park,

Except for the shark,

Who ate the sea horsey as a snack, at tea.

DANNY THE BIG SHOT, GOT BEACHED OUT

Danny was a grocer; ten times a millionaire,

He thought himself a big shot; he figured he was there,

So he bought a big boat,

To join the yacht float,

But he was rejected, he was not a billionaire.

MY SPOUSE AND I GOT SEPARATED, BUT I'M STILL BEING BULLIED, LIMERICK

I heard a echo in my house,

It was the voice of Jingles, my late spouse,

Jingles said to me,

" You'll never be free,"

And "flush the toilet sometime, you louse".

THE LIMERICKS OF LYNN ( THE WALRUS)

Lynn was a walrus with an average weight,
But, she thought that her pounds gave her no chance to date,
So, she would not eat a thing,
From winter till spring,
But, thin and skinny to a male walrus don’t rate.

There once was a walrus named Lynn,
She couldn’t fit through her door when open,
So, she stuck dynamite,
By her belly so tight,
Now, she’s missed by her kith and her kin.

LITTLE WARNER WORKED A STREET CORNER

Little Skinny Warner,
Worked a street corner,
Selling chili with beans,

Little Skinny Warner,
Faked the accent of a foreigner,
To attract those customers with means,

Great Big Warner,
Worked a successful street coroner,
So successful that he burst out of his jeans.
 

ODE TO THE FLY

Out on the sofa, I thought I'd take a lie,

But I was bitten by a hungry, biting little fly,

He bit me on my nose, and took a tinkle on my tie,

He buzzed around my toes, and then he waved, goodbye,

So forever I'll be traumatised, until the day I die.

DISASTER, A MICHIGAN STORY

I about had a heart attack,

When the wind blew down my little shack,

It's the past, I won't look back

Lots of firewood to stack,

I'll winter warm, though walls I'll lack.

MY TRAVELS IN SPACE

Because my spaceship traveled slow,

There was no planet I could go,

I hailed a starship for a tow,

I had some money, they wanted mo,

I've found space travel for me, yields woe.

DEMONS ARE SOMETIMES JUST MISUNDERSTOOD, AND VIOLENT

There was a little demon, who stole all of my dry goods,

I caught him making pancakes, way out yonder near the woods,

I demanded he give my dry goods back,

Instead he burnt down my barn and shack,

Of course demons can be violent, which I misunderstoods.

THE LITTLE DEMON DINNER PARTY

I went and found a demon, eating his dinner out in the wood,

He was chomping on someone's arms and legs, while smacking his lips real good,

He asked me if I'd sit down and sup,

I said, "no thanks", before I threw up,

The demon replied, " more for me", as I turned back towards my neighborhood.

BAD DAY WITH SALTY YOLK

I had me some eggs with runny yolk,

Washed them down with Diet Coke,

Ate 2 lbs of salt, had a stroke,

My driver's license got a revoke,

Ran a light, and garbage pail I broke.

SAMMY WORKED ON TEETH, RIP

Sammy use to work on teeth,

Until he married his best friend, Keith,

They honeymoon-snorkeled a coral reef,

While snacking on a can of beef,

Till a great white shark hauled them beneath.

SAMMY GAPES THE TEETH

Sammy was a dental hygienist, who practiced poor hygiene,

And Sammy's  jaw was so soar, it made Sammy real, real mean,

On your teeth, Sammy would dig and scrape,

Until between your teeth there was a gape,

Sammy's had big troubles, after he gaped the tooths of our fab queen.

BAD TOOTH DECAY

Sammy had bad tooth decay,

Sammy chewed nuts, anyway,

When Sammy's. tooth fell out,

Sammy gave a pain shout,

At least, a dentist Sammy didn't to pay.

MY RENT IS DUE ON THE 10TH LIMERICK

Every month on the 10th,
That’s when I must pay the rent,
Today it is due,
But, my paycheck it flew,
So, tomorrow I’ll be out in a tent.

MARTY THE NAUGHTY FLY

Marty was a naughty fly,
He liked to sit on dog poo,
Then he’d fly upon my hair,
After a fresh shampoo,

I tried to swat old Marty,
I just hit my ear,
Then Marty smiled and dove in,
My fresh poured ginger beer.

A LAMENT FOR MY GREEN-SNAKE

My giant pet green-snake named Nork,
Ate only pizza with pepperoni and pork,
Poor Nork died from the wheeze,
When his pizza had cheese,
Nork had a food allergy since he lived in County Cork.

THE FISH PHILOSOPHY

Ernie the minnow lived in the weeds,
Swimming and eating were his only needs,
He swam to and fro,
With no real place to go,
Doing nothing was the best of his deeds.

COYOTES ARE AFTER MY PIZZA

The coyotes are out on the street,

They want my pizza to eat,

They got the pizza guy,

But from his hands they can't pry,

Sigh, my pizza has extra cheese and triple meat.

A GREEN FROG NAMED TOOTIE Limericks

Tootie is a big green frog,
She eats pizza like a hog,
She tops it with flies ,
With a side of fries,
She's heavy and sinks like a log.

There was a green frog named Tootie,
She thought eating was her duty,
She ate pastries and flies,
Hamburgers and French fries,
She was ate by a snake named Hootie.

Tootie was a frog that lived outside,
She didn't clean up or take any pride,
She was covered with mud,
Toads called her a dud,
She would not change instead, she would hide.

E AND GREEN BETTY

My friend Mr. E was a POI,

A person of interest, maybe a spy,

He spoke fluent Yeti,

Dated his secretary, Green Betty, 

Almost everything that he said was a lie.

Mr. E's secretary always wore green,

She matched the wallpaper and was seldom seen,

What she overheard, 

She recalled word for word,

Mr. E didn't need a recording machine.

Mr. E vanished shortly after the war,

Some say his enemies just evened a score,

The police found blood and makeup on his bedroom door,

And, one red-stained handkerchief on his living room floor,

The red stain turned out to be wine, just wine, nothing more, 

Betty died at age eighty, unmarried and all alone,

She still had Mr. E's stuff and number on his phone,

Betty said she knew nothing of E's vanishing thing,

But, she wore a rare green diamond in a gold wedding ring,

And, was buried next to a grave that had just "E" on the stone.

I WENT VACATIONING IN MICHIGAN'S UPPER P. LIMERICK

I went vacationing in Michigan’s Upper P.
I bought great souvenirs and drank wild raspberry tea,
I went panning for gold,
What I found I then sold,
I then picked up green stones by Superior Sea.

MY LIZARD SCISSORED AND GOT AWAY

In the middle of a blizzard,

I went out to walk my lizard,

On my leg he took a wizard,

So I tried grabbing him by the gizzard,

Then into the woods he scissored.

That's how he got away.😭

THE CHICKENED REALLY GOOD-LIMERICK

I had some chickened noodles, chickened really good,

They tasted like fresh chicken, like chickened noodles always should,

Then I ate a roadkill stew,

Tasted skunky, pew,

Then I drank pine needle tea, and it tasted just like wood.

A BIG HAIRY BIGFOOT HAD ENTERED MY HOUSE

A big hairy Bigfoot had entered my house,
By the racket, I knew it wasn't a mouse,
But when it shaved in the shower,
And sang with such power,
I knew the Bigfoot was only my spouse. 

BARNABAS MAKES HIS OWN BEER

Barnabas makes his own beer,
With water he gets off the pier,
Now the beer is real malty,
But so terribly salty,
High blood pressure you might want to fear.

TO BUY OR RENT MY CAMPING GEAR

I did not know if I should rent,

My camping gear, my boat, my tent,

Finally, everything I bought,

Even my fish was not caught,

I love fish with that store bought clean scent.  

MY DOG IS LOADED WITH FLEAS

My dog is loaded with fleas,
They bite him and bite me with ease,
The fleas love the shampoo,
They swim like Shamoo,
They get in my lungs and I wheeze.

THERE WAS A KING NAMED BLIMPLE LIMERICK

There was a king named Blimple,
His mind was really simple,
He ate pizza and wine,
Until half past nine,
Then he exploded like a big pimple.

BEWARE THE CLEARANCE PICKLE RELISH

I bought some pickle relish at the local discount store,
I purchased it on clearance cause I could not pay no more,
But when I opened the jar at home,
The relish spit up foam,
And it smelled so bad I threw it out the door.

TRY A TIRE MIX FOR YOUR NEXT DINNER PARTY

I was told my cousin had food from a beast,

So, I went to Grayling for the great feast,

It was a rodent from the road,

Tire mixed with a toad,

And, some snake which I liked the least.

BENNY STEPPED ON A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER

Benny stepped on a Black widow spider,
The spider bit him on the toe,
Although Benny did not suddenly die,
He felt a great deal of woe,

Benny’s toe turned really green,
And then it turned really blue,
His toe swelled up till it was obscene,
Then Benny cried Ooh, Ooh,

Benny washed his toe real clean,
He finally nursed it well,
He covered it with Vaseline,
Mixed with petroleum gel,

Now Benny wears shoes all the time,
He will never take any chance,
His recovery was just sublime,
Yet, his toe still hurts too much to dance.

THE STATE FAIR

I went to visit the state fair,

The animals were nude, naked and bare,
I found it obscene,
My eyes were unclean,
I wished I had never gone there.