THE PAN FLUTER

I took music lessons from Mr. Poot,

He taught me the drums, and the Pan flute,

I had a flute embouchure,

So I went on world tour,

I got famous playing toot, toot, toot.

THE ITSY BITSY SPIDERS, GOT WASHED AWAY

Oh, the massively big momma spider, cried,

Because all of her cute babies, drowned and died,

They all washed far away,

Got buried under clay,

Momma trusted the weatherman, but he lied.

THE HORRIBLE NAIL MAN

Because of my horrible neighbor, Pat,

My four car tires went completely flat,

He took a long, steely nail,

Gave each tire an impale,

Now I can't get my groceries, oh drat.

TRAMP FOOD AND DREAMS

I have animal blood and sugar, to flavor my potato, tonight,

I do not have any so called money, but I am still eating alright,

Soon, when my belly gets big,

 I will be fat, like a pig,

I'll have to unbutton my trousers, for they will not be snug, but tight.

THE TEN DEMANDMENTS, DOWN THE TOILET

I posted 10 Demandments for each hotel guest,

So I won't have to tell them, and become a pest,

The Demandment number one,

Flush the toilet when you're done,

That one most people fail, while keeping all the rest.

AN AMPHIBIAN STOLE MY WHEELS

My bicycle is rolling down the road,

It has been stolen by a long legged toad,

The toad's name is berry,

He smells kind of scary,

The deep sewer is his humble abode.

Ten Trout

10 little rainbow trout,

Swam around and about,

They saw a big bass,

Under the log pass,

Now they're in his belly, and can't get out.

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BUTCHER THE BEAGLE LIKED TO EAT FLIES

Butcher the beagle liked to eat flies,
High in protein; those crunchy meat pies,
Once he chomped down on a bee,
Which made Butcher see,
When eating he should open his eyes.

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THE PROBLEM WITH MY ROOMMATE

I once had a problem, his name was Sid,

Sid was a bedbug, I could not get rid,

Sid would hold me real tight,

And would bite me all night,

Then early next morning, Sidney got hid.

TWO PICKLES AND A NIGHTMARE

Randy ate a pair of pickles before bed, on a dare,

But, then he tossed all night with a nasty nightmare,

From his belly Randy dreamt,

There was an exit attempt,

Out his bellybutton slipped the pickles with a pear.

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THE KNOT IN A FAIRYTALE.

I went to a wedding between an ogre and troll,

It was real deep in a cave, I felt like a ground mole,

Neither of them was Einstein bright,

Instead of kissing, they did bite,

They said having hundreds of kids, was their future goal.

A BUG DUG

A bug dug under my fingernail,
He bit hard and I let out a wail,
The bug dug in deep,
Which caused me to weep,
I felt better after three pints of ale.

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MY FEETS WERE STAINED BY BEETS

I decided to get some eats,
So, I opened a can of beets,
I spilled the juice,
It ran real loose,
And, stained purple my bare feets.     

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JIM MELTED AWAY

Today it got so darn hot,

It melted my friend, robot,

His name was Jim,

His hat had a long brim,

Poor Jim, I will forget, not.

ANN TEEKING

Ann Teek, divorced her mean, cheating spouse,

Used her settlement, to buy a house,

She was close to the city,

Got dates; she was quite pretty

Couldn't keep a man; she squeaked like a mouse.

TUNA IS A STATE OF MIND?

Tuna is a fish, it is not a state of mind,

I said this to a friend, he said I was unkind,

Tuna fish in the brains,

He sand, yielded great gains,

I got a new friend, who has logic I can find.

TRINA AND THE HAIR DRYER SAGA

Trina used a big hair dryer to dry her runny nose,

She burnt up her nose hairs, the ashes fell upon her clothes,

Her fancy white blouse was stained black,

So Trina slipped into her shack,

Trina changed to a clean blouse, and clipped in her hair, two bows.

MONKEYS IN THE COUP

I started raising little monkeys, out in my chicken coup,

The monkeys ate up all my chickens, and turned them into poop,

The monkeys all got free,

They came looking for me,

I think about those monkeys, when I eat monkey noodle soup.

BILLY WEARS A POMPADOUR

Billy wears a pompadour wig, upon his big bald head,

It's his favorite wig to wear, and its died a red, red,

His hair is real poofy,

His mind, very goofy,

Billy bakes the best potty pies, and keeps the family fed.

PLANNING FOR BACON AND FRIENDS

I went outside and saw the great blue sky,

I watched my neighbor's, big, fat piggies fly, 

I hoped one would crash,

Then its body I'd stash,

And have a neighborhood, thick bacon fry.

CATCH ME AFTER I DIRT NAP

I was called a turnip, because I never pay my bills,

You can't get blood out of a turnip, so chew some chill pills,

Paying bills is never my style,

So put me in the past due file,

No use billing me; until I'm in my grave, for a while.

I THINK WE CELEBRATED WITH SAM

I use to have a pony, and his name was Sam,

One day Sam disappeared; the day ma fixed a ham,

It was one glorious beast,

The ham was our Christmas feast,

We all got bloated guts, especially, aunt Pam.

SAMMY PLAYS AND LIVES THE BLUES

I once knew a heaping pig, and his name was Sammy Tews,

He played electric guitar, but only rhythm and blues,

Sammy played real well,

All the neighbors, done tell,

But he violated copywrite, now he gets sues.

THE SQUIRREL TALE

Jeb and Joey were two squirrels, who lived way up in a tree,

They were very happy sharing their nuts, while watching tv,

But something went real foul,

When along came the owl,

And chewed Joey chunks, fed the owl little babies, during tea.

CHICKEN TASTES LIKE TUNA, AND HAM, I'M NOT SURE YET

I opened a small can that said "Chicken Of The Sea",

It tasted mostly like, some old tuna fish to me,

The taste haunts my puckered mouth,

From up north to the down south,

Next, I'm eating canned ham, but what flavor will that be?

BREAKFAST OF THE BLUEBERRY LOSER

My fresh blueberries, they all ran away,

I had saved them for my cereal day,

My cereal tastes like straw,

And someone's chewed chaw,

And it's gritty, and chews just like hard clay.

THE LAW AND BEAVER MARGOT

Margot was a busy beaver, and she was busy every day,

Blocking up the Tobacco River, so all the water, it would stay,

After chewing on the trees,

They fell where Margot, did please,

The local sheriff used some dynamite, and the water went away.

IT IS HARD TO GET SKINNY EATING STARCHES AND FAT

Don eats four fruits and a vegetable each day,

Donny keeps his bowels cleared out, that simple way,

French Fries and buttered toast,

Don likes the very most,

Therefore 700 pounds, Don will always weigh.

LIFE? UNDERGROUND

My spider buddy and me were real tight,

Spider still gave me a painful big bite,

The next thing that I knew,

I was lifeless and blue,

Then I was buried real deep, out of sight.

WHEN I LIE I PROMISE YOU

The only time I will tell a lie,

Is when I make a promise, guy,

For in life's great big scheme,

A truth is so easy to dream,

Not to promise is hard to explain, why.

BROKEN SKI AND CHEEKS

Jim's jet ski crashed on a rock, by the shore,

His jet ski, he can ride it, never more,

It's messy, it's bad,

Terminated, sad,

Jim's lower checks are injured, very sore. 

SOMEONE'S EATING MY SWEET CUPS

I got raided by porch pirates today,

They grabbed my sealed boxes, and sped away,

They live next door,

On the second floor,

And eat peanut butter cups from eBay. 

CAVITY EMPTOR

Mickey's nice teeth had all cavitised,

The dentist pulled them all, no surprise,

Now Mickey chews with his gums,

Has gas in his tummy tums,

And all dentist, he doth despise. 

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PHIL AND THE INFESTATION

Phil had bugs in his clothes, and up his nose,

The bad bugs gave Phil the itchiness woes,

Phil ripped his clothes clean off,

Blew his nose, then a cough,

Phil built a fire, and burned up his foes.

THE SWEETCORN-FISHY

Kenny had a really big fish,

Benny had a can of sweetcorn,

They made a sweetcorn-fishy dish,

But chowed upon pudding til morn.

NICE SPOONING, PHIL

Phillip Sparkle played some old giddy, show tunes,

On his brand new set of silver plated spoons,

He played most of the day,

Till sunshine went away,

Then Phil ate a plate full of sweet macaroons.