I HAVE TOO MANY MEAN VALENTINES

How do you know if you have too many valentines?

When together they confront you, that's one of the signs,

And, when you have poison in your belly

From your eggs, toast and jelly,

Then, they bury you out back in the pines.

TITUS THE TERRIBLE WAS A MAN IN THE PAST

Because Titus was one of the old boys,

He still loved ticker tape and tinker toys,

No modern stuff,

Titus was tough,

He ate red meat and never soys.

I BUILT A MONSTER

I built me a monster out of body parts and old souls,

I wanted a friend, but it had other goals,

It conquered the earth,

Which hurt my net worth,

And it used it's strength to rip me new holes.

THE ADVENTURES OF NANCY DEBBIE TEW

Nancy Debbie Tew,

Climbed trees that had a view,

She scraped her knee,

And swallowed a bee,

The tree manufacturer, she sue.

THE BEAVER, PANSY AND FRIENDS

Pansy was a beaver, and she dove for fish all day,

Nancy had a clever, and cleaned fish down by the bay,

Pansy sold Nancy fresh fish,

Chef Helen bought the fish for a dish,

They all loved their work, though the profits were only o.k.

MY GOLDFISH PLAYS DEAD

My goldfish is good at playing dead,
He's done it for the past two weeks,
He can even make a dead goldfish smell,
For his fishbowl really wreaks,

My goldfish is so clever,
At playing that he is no more,
He can float on his back forever,
But, his actions start to bore,

I've had it with my goldfish,
I won't give him anymore food,
Until he starts to swim around,
And, entertain this dude.

MY JACK CAME LOOSE

I rotated my tires and you want to know what?

My jack came loose and I got pinned cross the gut,

Although I felt massive pain,

I kept steady my brain,

And, did not lose a single lug nut.

BOB THE PICCOLO FLUTE PLAYER WITH GAS

Bob liked to play the piccolo flute,
But when he’d blow air, out the back end he’d toot,
It did not sound really fancy,
It made the audience very antsy,
So the band leader gave Bob the boot.

VAMPIRE POETRY

Out  in the distance between the days,
A Vampire was born,
He lived in visual night and haze,
A prince whom many scorn,

Those that journey out into the night,
Where the prince of vampires waits,
Must know he's there not for the fright,
It's the blood that satiates.

Blood drawn deep down from the neck,
By demons made long ago,
Creatures not fit for heavan or heck,
Unloved, undead they know.

Vengence is a lonely child,
Kept pregnant deep within,
When let loose it's mind is wild,
The base of original sin.

I INVENTED THE INTERNET OR, WAS THAT SOMEONE ELSE?

Everyone wants a claim to fame,

As long as it's good and not some kind of shame,

Did the internet I invent,

Or, do I just pay for its rent,

And, when it goes down will I get the blame?

GNOMES STEAL MY PASTRIES AND DRINK MY BEER

Gnomes have been eating up my apple fritters,
They seem to be evil, pastry eating critters,
Gnomes, invade my home everyday,
Upon my sweet pastries they prey,
Then, they wash them down with my very best bitters.

THERE WAS A LITTLE CHICKEN NAMED SOUP

There was a little chicken named soup,
She shot baskets using a wing shot at the hoop,
But, as chicken soup grew older,
She developed a bad shoulder,
So, she retired to raise chicks in here coup.

A BANANA MUTED MY TOOT

My trumpet I tried and tried to make toot,
It didn't work because it was stuffed with a fruit,
It seems my dear nanna,
Didn't like her banana,
The fruit fit my trumpet but, not grandpa's flute.

BIGFOOT IS GOING TO EAT ME

In Michigan it gives me scares,
Here, Bigfoot ate up all the bears,
Now, will the Bigfoot come for me?
I'm really tender, if not tasty,

Oh Bigfoot, Bigfoot in the night,
Go away, don't cause me fright,
Now that all the bears are gone,
I fear your comming from dusk till dawn,

Oh mighty Bigfoot please go away,
Birds taste better I would say,
Try eating rabbit or maybe deer,
I taste like veggies and smell like beer.

BIRD FEEDER

My little bird gives his feathers tugs,

So he can get a meal of bugs,

He's so shy,

He won't fly high,

Instead he hunts more bugs in my rugs.

SNOWBOARD DOWN

Jim weighed 500 lbs, so his snowboard wouldn't go,

Except when Jim got on it the board sank in the snow,

So Jim stayed inside the ski lodge,

Played pool with his friend Rodge,

Couldn't wait till back home he could go.

BEN WALKED IN THE WOODS

Ben walked in the woods, overheated and froze,

He had ticks on his skin, and bugs up his nose,

He was very itchy,

Smelled of pine pitchy,

When he got home, he took a bath in his cloths.

I MAKE A NICE HOME

I thought the car weight the ice could take,

When I drove my pickup out on the lake,

I instantly froze, 

When under I goes,

Now my bones are a home to two bass and a snake.

I FROZE MY WAY TO HADES

I stepped outside onto ice and down steep steps I slid,

Smacked my head on the car, and went off the grid,

I died when I slowly froze,

Was greeted by my dead nanna, Rose,

I knew I was in Hades, because I spied grandpa Sid.

MY GOOD NEIGHBOR, SHOOT AND LOOT

My neighbors name is shootie,

He said shooting me was his duty,

He aimed for my head,

And shot me real dead,

So my home he is free to go lootie.

THE SNOW MOON LIMERICK

I went out to see the Snow Moon,

It was cute like my baby raccoon,

Then the moon disappeared,

Behind clouds that I feared,

And it snowed until the mid part of June.

HORSEY DORSEY ON TWITTER

Horsey Dorsey had four feet,

Horsey Dorsey liked to tweet,

When his hooves would quickly pound,

He made a galloping hoof sound,

Unless he had music, then he'd pound to the beat.

TOWING

I had a tow truck and I went out towing,

But I could not see where I was going,

Then there was a pitch,

And I flipped into the ditch,

Now the grass over my grave, they keep mowing.

WINTER WOED ME GOOD

It is the winter of my woe,

It got so cold I froze my toe,

Can't pay for heat, I'm out of doe,

The roof caved in because of snow,

I'm burning books, so heat I'll know.

IF I REALLY LIKED THE SNOW

If I really liked the snow,

Then today, outside I'd go,

I'd make snow angels, and make wings grow,

I'd build a fort; give enemies woe,

I'd cannon snowballs at sister, foe.

MY BELLY AILS FROM FISH BONES AND SCALES

I went ice fishing and caught 3 tiny fish,

I was hungry so I made a Pattie dish,

I left in the bones and on the scales,

The Pattie gave my belly ails,

I should have stayed home, that's what I wish.

GROUND HOG HYGIENE

My ground hog felt he'd gain friends and power,

By smelling better after a shower,

Instead of shampoo, he grabbed bleach,

It was a moment to teach,

He smells like a gym pool, instead of a flower.

MY LITTLE GROUNDHOG HAD A BAD DAY

My little groundhog had a bad day,

It snowed so he could not go out and play,

Then his computer was broke,

When he spilled on it his Coke,

Maybe tomorrow things will be breaking his way.

MICHIGAN PSYCHO TEMPERATURES

The Michigan winters are dry ice cold,🌬🌨❄😱

For a bit of heat all souls are sold,🔥😥👹

Now, summers are oppressive hot,🌡☀🌶

People boil like onions in a pot,🍲

Their skins peel back and smell good, not!👃🚽🚬

IN THE DEER-WOODS I SET UP A TENT

In the deer-woods I set up a tent,
I set up a wood-stove and piped out a vent,
Heat was my desire,
But, my whole tent caught fire,
So, out to the cold woods I went.

STRETCH OUT CHILI BY ADDING BEANS

A bear ate the weather woodchuck, and I don't know what that means,

Will winter be long or short, or somewhere inbetweens,

Will we get northern snow,

Or, a warm southern blow,

Will my chili be all meat, or almost 2/3rds beans.

THE CARPET AND THE TREE

My little doggie, he got free,

And on the carpet took a pee,

Right there for everyone to see,

Darker than the spilled coffee,

I hope he doesn't kill my tree.

THE GRIZZ AND THE GROUND HOG

I went looking for a ground hog, to see when the winter might pass,

I ran into a griz instead, and he ate off half my mass,

The cold froze shut my wound with snow,

To the hospital I crawled to go,

And, I would have made it, 'cept my bod ran out of gas.

I HOPE TO HECK MY PARSNIPS GROW LIMERICK

I hope to heck my parsnips grow, 
Deep beneath the piled up snow, 
In the winter I'll eat, 
Starvation I'll beat, 
If I remember where I planted the row.

TERMINATION REPORT

They laid me off for the holiday,

Said they might hire me back come next May,

Why I was fired nobody would say,

Of course, I call in sick every Monday,

Monday mornings are cold, so in bed I stay.

MY SANDWICH WAS SOGGY AND SWEET

My sandwich was not very neat,
I had no money so I couldn't afford meat,
But  I had some grape juice,
So on my bread I let loose,
And  my sandwich was soggy and sweet.

THE SCOOPS OF ICE CREAM QUESTION

I love to eat scoops of ice cream atop a sugar cone,
But, every scoop of ice cream adds size round my hip bone,
So, how many scoops of ice cream is deemed to be just right?
Well, I simply eat scoops of ice cream until my jeans get way too tight.

AFTERLIFE ANCESTOR TEA COMPANY

My car slid on the ice and I slammed into a tree,

Then my ancestors surrounded me,

"You drive too fast",

They said at last,

"Now you're dead and we won't share our tea."

ICY ROADS AND I SEE DEAD PEOPLE

I slid my pickup off the road today into a ditch, and bammy,

I got a little concussion, so excuse me if I sound whammy,

It was a surprise,

My life flashed before my eyes,

I was even greeted by my dear, departed grammy. 

A LIZZARD NAMED MORGAN MAY-Limerick

There was a lizard named Morgan May,
She did lizard stuff most every day,
She liked to eat mice,
Juicy crickets and lice,
When frightened she would just crawl away.

THE ALIEN CREATURE INVADES LIMERICK

I downloaded a really cheap movie feature,

About some crazy invading alien creature,

And, although the story wasn't tight,

Brutal force showed the creature's might,

So, earth's A-bomb was a fitting creature teacher.   

PIZZA MAN LIMERICK

Pizza Man works really hard for his tips,
If he gets none he will puff out his lips,
So, get out some bucks,
You tight old dumb clucks,
Or, you'll receive Pizza Man's finger flips.

There was a guy they called Pizza Man,
He made deep dish pizza in a pan,
He delivered them too,
In his van painted blue,
When his van broke down then, he ran.

In my town Pizza Man was a star,
If he was coming you'd stop your car,
He had the right of way,
So, you had to obey,
For Pizza Man must travel afar.

THE MORALITY OF SPIDER SQUASHING

Squashed a big spider,

Random act of violence,

Regrets, found babies.

PAY TO CHEW

There's a cute little blue jay eating in the tree,  

He's chewing on some suet that I left up there for free,

I wonder if it's a crime, 

If I asked that bird for just a dime,

My money is so dear that, it's a meal for him or me.

THE MAN WITH STINKY HONEY BREATH

The reason I get odd looks and stares,

Is because my teeth are as big as a bear's,

And, my gait is bear funny,

While, my breath stinks of honey,

I guess I am a bear but, who cares? 

MY PODCAST WAS A DUD

My podcast was a total dud,

They said my philos was just crud,

I didn't gain a fan,

Unless, you count Dick and Dan,

I bribed them with burger and sud.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SAM

There was a leprechaun named Sam,
He loved his eggs, bacon and ham,
He once ate a green bean,
It gassed up his small spleen,
Then, he released the gas with a “Bam!”

FANGS OF REVENGE

In my garden there was a poisonous snake,

He was waiting for a murderous break,

And, he found a win,

As his fangs pierced my skin,

Revenge for his mom's death by my rake.

PIZZA GONE BAD

The pizza I had delivered, tasted like feet,👣

It was pricy, and I still had to eat,💸🍕🍕

So I shared with a friend,👯

Turned an enemy by the end,😠

We both had our stomachs pumped, now we're both beat.🚑🏨💤

TO A SPOUSE LIMERICK

What a wicked wooly beastie,
She licks her plate at every feastie,
She sleeps with a cat and a dog,
I sleep outside on a log,
I guess that she likes me the leastie.

THE PET BIRD AND THE PET BOBCAT

Boggy had a pet bobcat named Bites,
Bites ate birds and wore bright colored tights,
Boggy also had a pet parakeet,
Whom Bites didn't hesitate to eat,
Boggy took away Bites rights to his tights.

ANIMAL JOKES

Joke: How many 12 inch fish are in a foot?
Answer: Feet don't have fish in them so there are zero fish in a foot.

Joke: If 40 birds are sitting in a tree and ten of them are chirping, 15 of them are quiet and 15 of them are standing on one leg then, how many of them are flying?
Answer: All forty birds are sitting in a tree so none of them are flying.

MY MANGLED MANDOLIN MADE MILLIONS

My mandolin got mangled when it fell out the back of my pickup truck,
And, although I didn't feel lucky the driver behind me had worse luck,
But, it's hard for me to grieve,
For that driver, I'll call Steve,
He suffered only mild injuries and won ten million plus one buck.

BEWARE THE FERAL DOG

There are feral dogs out in the dark,

I know they're there because I hear them bark,

When they bite it's an ouch,

A month to recover on the couch,

If your throat they nip, then it's cemetery park.

THE FLYING FISH IN THE EYE LIMERICK

A flying fish stabbed me deep in my eye,
Of course it made me wail and then cry,
The many tears were ill spent,
For fish loved saltwater scent,
So, into my face many fishes did fly.

MY SHOTGUN EXPLODED IN MY FACE

My shotgun exploded in my face,
Even though, I had duct tape in place,
And, just like last year,
The explosion scared off the deer,
Maybe, a new shotgun will draw me an ace.

MY POKY-STICK AND THE BEARS

For fun I'd go looking for bears,

I'd poke them with a stick for some dares,

But, one bear had a trick,

He broke my poky-stick,

Then he ate me and coughed up my hairs.

GORDO THE GOLDFISH LIMERICK AND POEM

Poem
Gordo the goldfish grew a full set of teeth,
He then ate his companions Julie and Keith,
He sharpened his teeth on a fake coral reef,
While eyeing the table where sat a roast beef.

 Limerick

Gordo the goldfish won't eat fish food, dried flies,
The roast beef on the table is where his heart lies,
But, he can't jump out of his bowl,
For someone covered the hole,
So, he stares out at the roast beef and cries.

 

GETTING EDUCATED TO KEEP MY JOB

My boss told me I was a complete fool,

My boss sent me back to junior high school,

All I said was, "duh",

In a class called algebra,

And, I was made fun of, because I tend to drool.

THERE ONCE WAS A SAILOR NAMED GREG

There once was a sailor named Greg,
He sat down really hard on his leg,
His eyes filled with tears,
As his mateys yelled jeers,
For Greg's leg was a hickory peg.