MY GOLDFISH IS A GOOD PET, NOT!

My goldfish is a nincompoop because poop is all he does,

Except he'll swim to the top of his bowel to eat a piece of fuzz,

I wish for a better pet than he,

For he does not comfort me,

He has no fluffy fur, he cannot pur or, love me just because.

I

BIG FOOTS ATE UP ALL THE BEARS

In Michigan it gives me scares,
Here big foots ate up all the bears,
Now will the big foots come for me,
I'm really tender and I think tasty,

Oh big foot, big foot in the night,
Go away, don't cause me fright,
Now that all the bears are gone,
You keep me awake from dusk till dawn,

Oh mighty big foot please go away,
Birds taste a lot better anyway,
Try eating rabbit or maybe deer,
I taste like veggies and smell like beer.

OCTOBER FULL MOON

The October full moon gives Sam a shaking scare,

Sam fears a monster or zombie, instead of just a mean bear,

Sam can't go to sleep,

When Sam's heart races, beep beep,

And, urine-sweat has wet down Sam's long hair.

I'M COMING UNHINGED AS I WALK WITH THE DEAD

Sometimes I'm feeling so cold,

And, up my legs is creeping green mold,

I'm not living they said,

Because I walk with the dead,

Eating the flesh of the young and the old,

So, how did I get in this place?

I got bit by my friend, Robert Ace,

Then, the infection got bad,

Soon I died, it's so sad,

I tried to sue but, no one took my case,

I won't wander for an eternity,

Because my flesh, it rots off of me,

After I've human flesh binged,

My bones will become all unhinged,

And, their nutrients will feed some old tree.

THE AFTERLIFE LIMERICK

Into the dirt or the fires in death we remorse,
To the worms or the ashes, what is our recourse,
Either a worm feces we become,
Or, an old tin urn we pour from,  
Finally, we return to the piles of our source.

CREAM SODA MOON PIES HAIKU

Cream soda, moon pies,
Nutritional? Summer snack,
Lazy days and me.

BIFF THE SNOWMAN WAS KIND OF NUTS

Biff the snowman was kind of nuts they say,
He’d bug people and wouldn’t go away,
If he saw you were busy,
He’d talk you into a big tizzy,
I can hardly wait until it warms up in May.

FIREWOOD, WHAT A STEAL

I found some firewood,

It was in a condition that was good,

So, I loaded what I could,

Ate lunch; an orange and pud,

Then drove back to my own hood.

STRAWBERRY-PIE PLANT PIE

Deep, delicious radiant treat.

My strawberry-rhubarb pie,

Without its luster before my table seat,

I would  crash and die,

Strawberry-rhubarb pie my friends,

Strawberry-rhubarb pie,

The gods created flavors of other things,

 And, I ask the gods "just exactly why,"

Strawberry-rhubarb pie has the absolute taste,

And, no other flavors can remotely compare,

Why waste hours combining various bakery paste,

When, pie-plant and strawberries are the true baker's ware. 

I'M PAYING BILLS ONLINE LIMERICK

Online bill paying has brought me great terror,
For my screen keeps flashing a red "error,"
My bills are all due,
At midnight I'm through,
Late fee e-mails are a real bad news bearer. 

FISH PUDDING PIE

For dessert I made fish pudding pie,
It was so bad that it made everyone die,
Then, when we all met on the other side,
My diners didn't let my cooking slide,
And, walked away without saying goodbye.

I IMAGINE A SUNDAY DINNER

It was a spectacular meal,

Especially good was the veal,

The potatoes were so tender,

My taste buds had to surrender,

Extra cake, I just had to steal.

SNOOKEY THE SHARK LIVES IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Snookey the Shark lives in Grand Traverse Bay,

She eats every swimmer that swims in her way,

But, every Fourth of July,

She eats every swimmer, oh my,

Then, she burps for the rest of the day.

MR. WHEELER'S BANJO BAD

Mr. Wheeler was so banjo bad,
His wrong notes just made sad sad,
So, beat the drums,
Drown those banjo hums,
And, all humanity will be thankee-glad.

JOHNNY IS DONE ITCHING HIS WORMS

Johnny got intestinal worms,

They caused itching and gave Johnny the squirms,

He drank hot sauce for medication,

Destroyed the worm confederation,

Johnny's cured, his not itching confirms.

THE POLTERGEIST PIGS

My pigs became poltergeist haunting critters,
They were all determined to give me the jitters,
Because ham and bacon yesterday,
Was their fate for my pay,
But, their haunting I'll shake off with some bitters.

 

ALL I LEARNED FROM SCHOOL AND LIFE

I went to school for many years and did not see no gains,

For all the teachers did to me was wrap my head up with tight chains,

Then, my bosses yanked those chains so hard, they squished up all my brains,

The only thing I feel right now are constant headache pains,

So, society retired me early to a place with more insanes.

JEETER BUILT A WOOD HEATER LIMERICK

There was a man named Mr. Jeeter,
He built a home made wood/coal heater,
It was not well built,
It had a bad tilt,
The fire was a rapid home eater. 

THE FINANCES OF A FIRE BREATHING DRAGON

There was a dragon named Bill,

He worked at the card shop by the mill,

And, when his own funds got depleted,

Bill often repeated,

A five finger discount from the till.

GARBAGE DAY AND SEAGULLS HAIKU

Garbage day, seagulls,
Plastic bags, meat, fish,veggies,
Gulls flock, rip, tear, mess.

10921

MY DINNER RAN AWAY

My dinner got up and ran away,
I begged that chipmunk but, he wouldn't stay,
So, it's off to the backyard,
To catch some critter off its guard,
Maybe, I'll dig for some worms in the clay.

TOILET TANK TABLETS ARE NOT FOR AQUARIUMS

I use tablets to clean my toilet tank,

I dropped one into my aquarium and it sank,

But, you know what was weird,

When the aquarium water was cleared,

My fish all played dead for a prank.

THERE WAS A DUCK NAMED MURKY LIMERICK

There was a duck named Murky,
He sounded like a turkey,
It only stood to reason,
During hunting season,
He was shot for being quirky.

BESIDE THE LAKE WITH THE WILD FLOWERS LIMERICK

Beside the lake with the wild flowers,
I laid down and dreamed for hours,
Then along came the bees,
They had no mood for a tease,
I'm depending on my recuperative powers.

BRAIN EATING ZOMBIE SQUIRREL

My mind is in a complete whirl,
I was attacked by a brain eating zombie squirrel,
He jumped on my head,
Soon I was dead,
If I eat anything but brains I will hurrell.

A GHOST NAMED BOO

There once was a ghost they called Boo.
His eyes, hair and teeth were all blue,
He bleached himself white,
The bleach burned day and night,
So, it made the ghost go boohoo.

A ghost named Boo would haunt and scare,
Everyone he tried to terror,
He went out of the house,
To frighten a mouse,
But, was frightened himself by a bear.

BOBBY THE WOLF

Bobby the wolf has one good eye,
No one knows because he is sly,
He stays leader of the pack,
But, when the bears attack,
He doesn't see them, so all wolves die.


,

WATCH OUT FOR FROG MONSTERS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Watch out for frog monsters in Grand Traverse Bay,
They’ll nibble your toes off if you get in their way,
They prefer to eat perch,
Roasted over aged birch,
After an appetizer of the finest pâté.

Watch out for frog monsters when you swim on your back,
The sight of your spine will make frog monsters attack,
They bite with no fear,
Making your eyes really tear,
They won’t break the skin but, will leave your skin blue and black.

Watch out for frog monsters in Grand Traverse Bay,
They’ll pull out the hairs on your chin as you swim,
Splashing does not drive frog monsters away,
They will leave you alone only on their own whim.

MY BIRTHDAY

Today is my birthday and I'm 104,🎂🍸

I often take naps in the line at the store,🏬

I forget where my chair is and just fall on the floor,🐀🐁

The mail I can't read so, my bills I ignore,📭

I can't remember who won the ballgame or the war,🤔❓

I don't get good rest because I wakeup when I snore,💤💤💤

I'm told that I don't remember much anymore,💩

My family's all ghosts and they tell me, I bore,👻

My saving is spent so, I'm incredibly poor,💸

It stinks to have birthdays at 104.🍸

JALAPENOS, FOR GOOD OR BAD

Would you like some jalapenos with your evening meal?

They taste good with everything, from escargot to veal,

Now, consuming jalapeno peppers you may rue,

For your mouth will be a sweaty goo,

And, your nose will drop snot green or blue,

Then, you'll feel a burning pain when you try to go poo-poo.

NO SWIM AT THE GYM, STINKY SHOES

There were some stink bugs in my shoes,

Now, my footsies are bad news,

I got banned from the gym,

I thought I'd clean off with a swim

But, the members had alternative views.

WHY JIM PITCHED A POP

Poor Jim, with his shampoo his roommate did a switchie,

Now, Jim's head is most terrible itchy,

Of course, Jim's roommate was so vile,

That he cracked one big smile,

Which Jim smacked with a pop bottle pitchie. 

I CAME ACROSS ZOMBIES

I came across zombies who were all eating bugs,

I offered them brains but, I got no bites or head hugs,

I think they were crazy,

Or, just really lazy,

To lazy to wipe drool from their mugs.

THE TENDER LOVE OF CHICKENS

I had a chicken named Jenny,
She hung out with a rooster named Benny,
When Benny walked through the ferns,
With his long comb and sideburns,
Jenny thought her beau wasn't just any.

When my chicken Jenny married Benny the rooster,
I decided to make my chicken dinner a twoster,
I invited family to the feast,
Of the bird couple beasts,
Their love was a real tender booster.

THERE ONCE WAS A GHOST NAMED NANCY-Limerick

There once was a ghost named Nancy,
She liked to dress up really fancy,
She liked to wear hats,
All covered with bats,
Which made any onlooker antsy.

Nancy was a real crazy ghost,
She liked to hide behind a post,
She would jump out and say,
"Boo! You go away,"
She was thought of as a poor host.

BEET THE WORMS

I went down to the rover to wash off my beets,

When I cook beets with butter, they're sought after treats,

But, when I washed off the clay,

I felt such dismay,

The roots were worm homes and worm eats.

TWINKLE, TWINKLE I'M A STAR

Twinkle, Twinkle I'm a star,
After spending Thursday at the bar,
But, I'm out on the range,
How I got here is strange,
And, I'm not sure who owns this nice car. 

FREE MAIL LANDS DOC IN JAIL

I never had to get my mail,

My neighbor Doc, got it without fail,

He didn't  give it to me,

Doc considered my mail was free,

I wonder which neighbor will get it, now that Doc is in jail.

SAMMY'S SANDCASTLE AND THE SEA

Sammy's sandcastle was built too close to the sea,
Along came a whitecap and it ceased to be,
Sammy was ticked,
Not for the location he picked,
But, at the water that set the sand grains all free.

WHAT I DO DURING COVID LOCKDOWN

I like to eat my pork,

I like to eat my beans,

I like eating two slices of bread,

With tuna in betweens,

I like to eat cupcake,

I like my tatters too,

I once cut them up with carrots,

And, cooked them in a stew,

I like my apple cider,

I blended it with beer,

Grandad went and drank too much,

That's why grandad isn't here.

I GOT KICKED OUT OF THE DORMS

I went to the Hub to watch some performs,

The RA walked in and I got kicked from the dorms,

It was mid-winter and it was freezin'

The wind blew hard, no gentle breezin'

So, I built a large fire to keep me toes warms.

FISHIN' FOR MALNUTRITION

I decided to go ice fishin',
For dinner I was wishin',
A crawdad cut my line,
So, on my bait he could dine,
For my dinner, I'll have malnutrition.
 

THERE WAS A MOUSE NAMED LARRY? Limerick

There was a mouse named Larry,
His tail was wide and hairy,
He chased it around,
And, guess what he found,
He was really a squirrel named Mary.

The Bacon Grease Murder

I fried my pancakes the best I canned,

In bacon grease I watched them expand,

I feed my guy lots of grease,

Though, it clogs his ticker piece,

But, life insurance I understand.

FACING FEAR AND ENDING UP ON A GOLF CORUSE

I've always been afraid of heights don't you see?
So, I thought a pilots license was the right thing for me,
And, I was at my very best,
Until, I took the solo flight test,
Then, I froze and crashed on a golf course, 9th tee.

THE BOYSENBERRY GOLDFISH MURDER

A murder occurred in my little frog pond,

Where my goldfish met the great beyond,

I think my goldfish received a poison,

When he was fed the berry boysen,

By my neighbor who was not fond. 

NEW CAR, WHITE SEATS AND COFFEE HAIKU

New car, white seats, floor,
Hot coffee addiction, No!
New car, customized.

POOR LITTLE HYPER-TOAD

Poor, little hyper-toad,
If coffee you would not drink,
Then, you would not be so jittery,
And, your underarms might not stink,

Poor little hyper-toad,
Although your skin is green,
You have nasty grayish warts,
That are better left unseen,

Poor little hyper-toad,
You’re bad looks keep you unharmed,
You think no one will eat you,
Your aspect makes predators alarmed.

Poor little hyper-toad,
I might be just a hungry fox,
But, even I can easily tell,
You‘re ugly but have no pox.

Poor little hyper-toad,
You are picked on way to much,
But, soon your hurt feelings will go away,
Because I’m hungry now for lunch.

THE HOT EARTH, I DID THAT

I decided to raise the temperature quite a lot,

Releasing fridge gas was the plot,

In my shack the gas was squireled,

Then, came the day my plot unfurled,

I'm so proud at how hot it got.😈😈😈😈😈

I 

LITTLE OTTO AND HIS APPLE TREE

Little Otto's father and mother bought Otto an apple tree,

They told him it was a reward for Otto drinking all his tea,

Otto said he wanted a computer game,

And, an apple tree was not the same,

Otto's father and mother replied, "Otto's apples we'll eat free."

WHEN MY REMOTE CONTROL DIED

I happened to drop my remote control,
It sank to the bottom of my goldfish's bowl,
My remote control died,
My goldfish was fried,
After the service I buried them both in a hole.

I WAIL ON MY HORN WHEN, I LOSE MY CORN

Fall is here to freeze my corn,

I wish that fall was never born,

My last rose has died away,

I won't see  flowers until mid-May,

I be all tear drops forlorn,

I guess I'll wail on my English horn.

THE TWISTED WORM

We can't avoid the twisting worm,

 It lies down underneath,

 In decay it brings to term,

 The creature and the leaf,

 The worms kingdom is undiscovered, 

All dead-fall hides his race, 

Once gone down nothing is recovered,

 Unless, changed within the place, 

All life ends with a great dead-fall,

As the smell and rot affirms,

But, from the decay some shoots grow tall, 

Fed by feces from the worms.

 

 .

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION; FAILURE IS DESTINY

“Failure is not an option,” Bob would often spout,
But, Bob knew not what he was really talking about,
Bob’s future plans were bold,
Then, Bob grew very old,
Bob found “Failure is Destiny,” without a doubt.

LOVE AND THE GUILLOTINE

On my way to the guillotine, I found my one true love,

She was the one who washed the necks of those condemned by gov,

Although our romance was only chatter,

We shared the feelings that really matter,

And, we will one day meet at an all-you-can-eat restaurant, up above. 

GROWING GOLD ON DIRTY DISHES

In my kitchen sink I've grown so much mold,
That I'd be rich if such stuff could be sold,
A mold garden might be one of those niches,
That will bring me great riches,
If my alchemy can turn mold to gold.

CHILDREN FULL OF CORN

All my children are stuffed full of corn,

Each started to feed when each one was born,

Now, they are each big,

Cause, my species is pig,

And, how proudly our pig bulk is worn. 

A PARTY OF FOUR MADE RESTAURANT POOR

I went to a restaurant with a party of four,

We each ordered corned beef for our dinner core,

I had side fries for my scales grief,

The others had salads of leaf,

But, at the end the bills made us all poor.

THE COB HABIT

I was fired from my night clerk job,

When I was caught eating corn on the cob,

Now, I have no funds for my cob habit,

 So, I'm eating grass like a rabbit,

And, the grass gives me gas oh, sob.

A SNEAKY STYLE INSPIRED FROM A BIG HAIR PILE

I came across a pile of scat all full of hairs,

It was an enormous pile which gave me the scares,

So, I backtracked thru the woods,

As quiet as I coulds,

You have to be sneaky when you live amongst bears.