I KNEW A BANJO PLAYER NAMED CLAY

I knew a banjo player named Clay,
And, boy could that hillbilly play,
From Mozart to Bach,
From Bluegrass to rock,
His music had something to say.

PP09062022

MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME BECAUSE...

My girlfriend just got home from the hospital, and boy was she mad,

She said I should have stayed with her, when she was so puking sick and sad,

I said," sweet honey, what could I do? 

I didn't want to catch your nasty flu,

She kicked me out of her house that night; I guess we're through, who cares, my bad.

1826

THE ROBOT IS THE WINNER

I got in a street fight with a modern robot, and I did not do so well,

He was an expert at kickboxing, his foot in my face was how I could tell,

He was well built and strong,

The fight didn't last too long,

He did carry me to the hospital; we became close friends; his name is Mel.

JIMMY AND HIS HARD TIMES

Jimmy sold his red blood to buy some toilet paper, that's how bad things are,

Jimmy lost his cheap apartment, and sleeps with snakes in an abandoned car,

Jimmy is disappointed,

He feels employer exploited,

Jimmy works eighty hours each week, to earn pennies for his savings jar.

MY BIRDS ARE ALL BONES

I could not afford to raise chickens to eat, so I raised some chickadees,

Chickadees have almost no flesh to eat; their boney breast, just a meat tease,

I decided just the eggs, I'd eat,

Just a drop of protein was the treat,

Next year I am gonna sell all my birds, and replace them with honey bees.

MY DINGBAT SINGS

Someone gave me a cute dingbat, gave it to me, totally free,

It flies around my apartment, while singing, "ding ding, ding, ding, dee", 

He eats all of the flies, 

He poops, but the poop dries,

I hung a bat house on the wall, so my dingbat can go sleepy.

SPELL OF THE NEWT

I took the tiny eyes from a newt, then that newt could not see,

Then that blind, angry, old newt, put an evil curse upon me,

I was making a love potion,

I was full of love emotion,

The nasty newt turned me into a docile, diseased tree.

THE GROCERY APOCALYPSE

The grocery prices are so high; it is bad, not good,

Neighbors are now cannibals; it is not safe in my hood,

The bugs under my door,

Are my only food store,

I've sent the wife out to a stump; there's termites in the wood.

THE RIVER BATTLE FOR STEEL

Fishing steelhead on the river, right at the cusp of the winter-spring,

There's snow on the ground and that river sound, attractive, that is the thing, 

To battle the big fish,

A true sportsman's big wish,

No matter how the battle goes, it's about the fight the steelhead brings.

WINTER SLEEP OR FINAL SLEEP

We blogged about the winter, and we blogged about the deep snow,

We blogged about the sunny places, we can't afford to go,

It is now time for the winter creep,

We just sit, and freeze and take a weep,

We'll soon freeze, pass out, and wake up in the spring? I Do not know.

I GRABBED TOO MANY FREE HOLES, AND THEY SENT ME TO JAIL

I am a tired, poor, dumb, miserable, wretched, starving slob,

I went to the store for free samples, I had no money, no job,

Doughnut holes were signed "One Free Sample",

I grabbed a handful; they had ample,

I was presently arrested, they called my hole grab, a big rob.

COMMERCIAL ROADKILL AND THE WINDOW

The Overton Window has moved abruptly, once again,

People accept the potted roadkill, I sell in a tin,

My marketing was perfect, right,

People spend less, when money's tight,

Increased poverty is an entrepreneurial win.

CABBAGE PIRATES

I come from an evil family of absolute savages,

All my kinfolk pillage farm fields for firm feeling, cabbages,

We ferment them for kraut,

That is what we're about,

Then it's on to the chicken coup, for cage-free egg, ravages.

THE GREAT TECH BACKSLIDE

The new gravity toilets, are really just a common pail,

You dump them out a window, and gravity will never fail,

Once we could afford the nice, flushing kind,

From technology, we're forced to unwind,

We'll get back on our electrics, when money becomes avail.

LIFESTYLE CHANGES FOR SENIORS

My parents called me, and announced they had become little furries,

They said they had a giant litter box, so there were no worries,

I won't go to their house,

With my kids and my spouse,

Until I understand their lifestyles, still out are the juries.

WHAT I WILL DO FOR MY PIZZA, RAVE PARTY

I went out to dig a body ditch, also known as a grave,

Down to the body box of Dear Henry, a bro and a knave,

Bro Henry, in life,

Stole Sarah, my wife,

And, Henry has my pizza coupons, that I need for my rave.

DON'T GET CAUGHT EATING RAW POLLYWOGS

I use to be a Puritan, when I sailed over on the boat,

I wore cheap, nasty, clothes, like my ragged, old, black, stinky, wool coat,

They accused me of being an evil witch,

Because I ate raw pollywogs from a ditch,

I was sent to the old gallows, sentenced by a unanimous vote.

ARBUTUS FIFE AND DRUM

Arbutus is a flower, and Arbutus is my wife,

We had our nuptials, and I guess we're married for life,

We had a couple of kids,

They grew up, left town, good rids,

We retired to play music; she plays drum; I play fife.

IGUANAS FALL DEAD

A large frozen iguana fell from the sky, down to my head,

It split my thin skull wide open, and my white shirt got all red,

In Florida, we got a freeze,

That killed iguanas in the trees,

I am the first casualty, of the iguana, falling dead.

THE LEIGH LIMERICKS FILES

I was mentioned a million times, because my limericks suck,

I put together disjointed rhymes, to try to earn a buck,

For me, it's so very sad,

I have no talent, my bad,

For poor grammar, I'm charged with crimes; I've no talent and bad luck.

I FILED MY TAXES EARLY

I put all my important papers into a big, plastic tote,

Included were my bills, and copies of every check I wrote,

I was ready to pay my tax,

And, take deductions to the max,

I needed to get some money back, to buy a new, leather coat.

MY MODERN CAT, FRED

I went to the store to buy my cat some milk,

His name is Fred, and he will drink only silk,

That is my cat boy,

A lover of soy,

Modern cats are so strange, my Fred and his ilk.

PROPER DENTAL CARE, AND WESTERN THROW DOWN

I feel like an authentic cowboy, sitting in front of my big screen,

Rounding up the worst bad guys, in the lawless town, I was sent to clean,

Then, there was at the dead end,

A duel with an old friend,

He once was a famous lawman, but an abscess tooth, turned him, plumb mean.

MARSUPIAL STEW

I went and scraped marsupials off the road today,

I had to really scrape them, cause they had dried up in the clay,

Consider yourself a winner,

Cause we're having them for dinner,

I know it does not smell so good, but it keeps the bears away.

6622

 

WOLFING THE COWS

I guard my sleepy cattle to chase off the werewolf,

He likes eating live cattle; fresh red meat on the hoof,

This is not for some fun,

I've silver bullets in my gun,

And, a man with silver bullets on the farmhouse roof.

I'M NOT COMPLAINING

I use to have a little spending money, but now I am really dirt poor,

I feel robbed by utilities, insurance and rent, and the grocery store,

I just got fined for my complaining,

Next time, I'll get a public caning,

I would move away to a nicer place, but everyone has slammed their door.

THE VALENTINE LAMENT OF A GHOST

I once had a beautiful valentine, one hundred years ago,

We would go outside and picnic dine, when the grass began to grow,

After years, my valentine went away,

They lie beneath the daisies, I would lay,

I am the ghost, the afterglow, missing my love, who sleeps below.

TAYLOR NEEDED A TAILPIPE, AND FRANKIE GOT SPANKED

Taylor needed a brand new tailpipe, said mechanic Frankie,

Taylor wrote out a big personal check for Frankie's banky,

The tailpipe was installed,

Tailor was just appalled,

Piped exhaust went into the car, and Frankie got a spanky.

JIMMY, CALLED UGLY, LEFT TOWN

Jimmy was a very ugly baby, and no prettier as an adult,

Jimmy went way out west, out to the frosty mountains, and joined some silly cult,

Jimmy was embraced and accepted,

Among society's rejected,

Jimmy married, had "ugly" babies, a description, that's society's fault.

A NOVICE REFLECTION ON HOW

Formed from dust, and rubble and beams of all light,

Taking billions of years to become a sight,

Thus, by physics, I came to be,

But, what always troubles me,

Is how the cold dead matter formed life, just right?

THE PLUM SONG OF MICHAEL

Before church choir, Michael's constipation, needed fine tuning,

He went to his larder, where he kept dried plums for bowel pruning,

After his toilet, Mike took a shower,

Where Michael practiced, his vocal power,

At church, Mike's back end got dark and wet, while Mike was solo crooning. 

THE ANIMAL TAKEOVER

The animals revolted, and over humans, placed an over lord,

He is a chipmunk with a sharpened stick, that he uses for a sword,

Chippy demands we work,

That evil, little jerk,

Chippy has the backing of bears and bucks; on Tuesday, I was deer gored. 

NO MONEY FOR RENTS; BUY MY TENTS

I bought a Michigan factory, and we're making tents,

New tents for the people who can't afford paying their rents,

Each tent has a stove that burns wood,

It's great for heating, and cooks good,

The tents sell for two thousand dollars and ninety nine cents.

MY PEASANTS TURNED NASTY: MY HEAD'S IN A BASKET

I use to have many peasants, and they'd do everything for me,

My favorite was Long John, until I caught him peeing in my tea

I had him drug off to the stockade,

He was well flogged; my point was well made,

Long John signed the warrant at my trial; that bad, revolutionary.

TRINA THE TAVERNEER

Trina went to bar school to learn, how to flip burgers, and sling the beers,

Trina learned how to talk to bar patrons, who drank beers to drown they're tears,

Trina's grade was on paper, a star of gold,

Five stars was just perfect, but Trina was sold,

Trina moved far North to sling malt beers, while flipping burgers made of deers.

LITTLE SISTER AND FAMILY

Mama loves mushy oatmeal, while daddy likes dry cereal from a box,

I like my ham and eggs and, night life sister drinks coffee for detox,

It's not easy being little me,

When I get older, I will get free,

I don't want  big sister's life; her face is all pimples, maybe it's a pox.

GLAMOR GARDENS

I chased off the big flies that were on my drying tomatoes,

I cut out the huge, rat bites from my bin of brand new potatoes,

I picked the snails from my rhubarb,

Sprayed the weevils on my Swiss chard,

Pulled and ate the worms off my beets; the tastes, many underate, those.

TIN SHACK LIVING, AND FISHING

I built a little, tin shack to live in, down by the river,

The dirt floor grows moss and mold, and the cold tin makes me shiver,

When the river freezes to ice,

I ice fish, using squeaky mice,

I shoot pike fish with my bow, using arrows from my quiver.

THE RAIN OF THE IGUANA

I saw a fat iguana fall out of a tall tree,

I thought I would eat it, because its meat was all free,

Then on down came another,

An iguana brother,

Then it rained dead iguana, killed by last nights frosty.

THE THREE LITTLE CUB BEARS

During the winter storm, three little bears got lost in the woods,

When they broke into my cabin, and ate all my pantry goods,

When I went to my cabin, next day,

The three little cub bears were at play,

Mamma bear moved in, so I left the bears in charge of my hoods.

THE FLORAL REINCARNATION STORY

I use to be a pretty pansy, and a cute daisy, too,

I use to be an iris, and my big, fat flower was blue,

Each year I'm a different seed,

Sometimes, I'm pulled up as a weed,

Once I grew into a primrose, and bathed in the morning dew.

MISSING PUP LEAVES CLUES

Methinks, I lost my little white poodle, pup,

My pup did not show up for his nightly sup,

He is here, good news,

Found pee in my shoes,

And, he took a small poop in my coffee cup.

I'M IN A WORLD OF DREAD AND WOE, BECAUSE I OWE A LOT OF DOE

I live in a house built of many credit cards,

I borrow on my Wal-Mart to pay my Menards,

Not sure where all this goes,

As my credit debt grows,

Maybe debtors prison, surrounded by ICE guards.

MY 21ST CENTURY INFLATION DATE

To impress a date, I asked the waiter for a list of imported wine,

When I saw the prices I realized I was in economic decline, 

My credit card was at a dead, max,

After paying the hidden sales tax,

I asked my dinner date if we could make it Dutch treat, she scowled, and said,"fine".

A FOOL AND HIS APPENDAGES ARE SOON PARTED

The greatest thing about my frostbite is that it killed my ticks and fleas,

My body was so itchy, that's why I let my entire self freeze,

I can't feel appendages; don't care,

As long as it brings my bugs, despair,

Doctors said they'll cut off my frozen parts with a saw; claimed, it's a breeze.

MY BIG, MONSTER COUGAR WAS HUNGRY

I saddled up my big cougar, and road that monster to the store,

I went inside to buy just beans, because we are the living poor,

When I was walking out,

I heard a human shout,

I caught my big, monster cougar eating people; I counted four.

ME AND MY PEASANTS

I awoke with my head in a basket, staring up at a guillotine,

I guess the peasants took my head off, because in life, I was really mean,

If I get sent back to life, I will be nice,

To all the smelly peasants that itch with lice,

Maybe, I'll give some food away, so the peasants are not so bony, lean.

Snow Fairies

I saw through the window snow fairies were acting high and jolly,

They were chewing on the green, green leaves that coat my climbing holly,

There was much snow and wind blow,

So I watched from the window,

One of the fairies looked like my cat, now I call them both, Polly

LORD OF THE SPRAY

I went to war with all the varied species of flies,

The flies readied for war, their buzzes were battle cries,

I did a human battle yell,

It made the flies dark masses swell,

So, I took out my fly spray, and all the flies, they dies.

I WENT TO KALAMAZOO BAR SCHOOL

I went away to Kalamazoo bar school, and learned how to tend booze bar,

I graduated, found a job right away, and patrons filled my tip jar,

They gave me coins and bills,

And, many unknown pills,

I was becoming a fabulous drink master, a big, booze slinging, star.

TENT RENT IS TOO DANG HIGH

I rented a very small tent, so I could survive,

That's how I kept all my pets, and all my kids alive,

My tent-lord raised the rent,

Which got me angle bent,

We moved to an abandoned dumpster; it is a dive.

LONDON DINNER DATE 1794

How are you doing, my little, dear, dear darling,

 I brought you some flowers; they cost me a farthing,

You like dates with a dinner?

I found a public winner,

I will take you to the pub; The Old Black Starling.

BEETHOVEN PLAYS THE ZOO

I saw Ludwig Beethoven down by the old, condemned, public, animal zoo,

He was performing his Fifth Symphony on a Dollar General kazoo,

He did a squeak and a squawk,

Scared off the nest, a ma hawk,

The Kazoo was complicated to play, and Ludwig played a bad note or two.

NEVER COMFORT A HURT GATOR

I stopped my pickup to see about giving a gator, aid,

He was gimping down the highway, near the old pinball arcade,

I asked him, "you're dragging your foot,

Did y'all catch it on a root?

The gator gobbled me down; that's how my kindness was repaid.

SPARKLERS AND THE DIRE COLD

The winter is so dire; I got out my sparklers from last Fourth of July,

I lit them, and they reminded me of summer months, and those thoughts made me cry,

Perhaps, my wicked ways I must mend,

To save my life from a frostbite end,

Perhaps, I'll not change at all, and wait through the dire, until the robins fly.

AFTER COLLEGE, GEN X FRIENDS

All my old college buds are ghouls, and each one loves to throw a dinner party,

I have to go because I am nice, and to be polite, I eat up, hearty,

They have a limited cuisine,

Only ghoul food (peep meat), I mean,

They serve the peep meat medium rare, or raw, but the raw makes the ghouls, farty.

TOBOGGAN RIDE, WHEN BUDDIES CRY

My bestest buddy and I went for a toboggan, downhill ride,

I could feel right away, the cold, crispy air, singe my facial hide,

We went really fast,

The ride did not last,

We missed a tree, but the toboggan flipped over; it hurt, we cried.

BIG SNOW COST DOE, AND WALT HATES ME

My small bank account is shrinking because of the big, heavy snow,

It cost me big money for snow plowing, and my savings grows low,

My father-in-law, Walt,

Thinks the snow is my fault,

Meantime, I look out the window, and suffer spiritual woe.

POPCORN PETS, HUH?

My kid popcorned his dead guppies, because I forbade him snacks to eat,

I don't see how guppies in a popcorn popper, is a tasty treat,

The kid's not right in the head,

Enough about him, I've said,

Though, he often walks using his hands, and works remotes with his bare feet.

MY HEALTHY CHOICES: SOY BURGERS AND BACON GREASE

I thought that I was being a really good diet boy,

I ate only burgers that were made out of common soy,

But, my life change diet was handcuffed,

I ate burgers until I was stuffed,

I like to fry them in bacon grease and sea salt, ahoy!