ZELDA THREE BEAST

Zelda is the creature who I want to see the least,

Because, depending upon how I approach her she becomes a different beast,

From the front she is a tiger who will bite off all my face,

From the back she is a bear who will rip my guts out like fine lace,

From the sides she is a rattlesnake who will bite into my knee,

I think avoiding Zelda is the plan best laid out for me.

WHY MARS INVADES

I didn't see it coming, that is, the invasion from Mars,

I was busy canning tomatoes in wide mouth mason jars,

The Martian army was sent,

Because their king was quite bent,

Because I exported my tomatoes on out to the stars.

WHEN FANCY PANTS CAN'TS CAVORT

Jim's fancy pants were way too short,

So on the dance floor Jim couldn't cavort,

Too tight for friend, Willy,

The pants were deemed silly,

Jim was banned from the bar and the entire resort.

THE GLAD, THE BAD AND THE PEPPER TUSH LIMERICK

Two twin green peppers grew on a bush,
One got rotten and turned into mush,
The good pepper was glad,
That the other went bad,
Because that gave him more room for his tush. 

 

WHEN THE SPRINGS POP LIMERICK

George had two springs pop up in his bed,
One stabbed him in the back the other in the head,
George’s mind filled with doom,
So he ran from his bedroom,
A few more stabbings and he thought that he’d be dead.

THE BALLAD OF BILLY DEED

This is the story of Billy Deed,
He was in a giant pickle,
Billy Deed was a pickle seed,
He froze and became a pickle-sickle

In the spring when he thawed out,
He thought he'd get his chance,
But, a pickle seed when it's thawed out,
Is a favorite food of ants.

I FUNDED METER MARY'S RETIREMENT

Meter Mary had power to wield,

She left a time ticket upon my windshield,

For the time that I had was expired,

From that ticket Meter Mary retired, 

Investing in bonds that had a very high yield.

THE THING THAT MAKES ME SAD

Watching the sun made my vision real bad,
Loud music made me deaf and mom mad,
Poor posture my neck ache,
Poor diet made my leg break,
But, it's world news that makes me feel sad.

THE SMELL OF THE SELF-STICKING STAMPS

The glue that was used on my self-sticking stamps,
Smelled kind of funny so I shared it with gramps,
Then, gramps gave it a lick,
And, I said "that's just sick,"
Then, old grandpa bent over with cramps.

ONWARD DEATH DIMENSION

In the end there is no end, just a silent tuning fork,

Like a wine bottle once opened up, you can't appease with cork,

So, oft we go,

We loose all we know,

Of tensions, time and tork.

I only wish that I could have,

More cheese and bacon pork,

KING BENNY AND THE SCURVY DISEASE LIMERICK

Eating meat was the only way that King Benny was pleased,

Now Benny is all nasty and scurvy diseased,

His servants offered him fruits,

He threw at them his boots,

Now he feels bad because he is well teased.

MISSY TRIED TO PLAY THE FRENCH HORN

Missy tried to play the French horn,
But the music was so forlorn,
It wasn’t just sad,
It was ugly and bad,
It’s too bad the French horn was born.

UNCLE EMIL SERVED RAW CHICKEN TO THE KING

Uncle Emil raised big chickens,
Then, roasted them for the king’s court,
One day he did not clean them well,
And, the king put Emil on report,

The king’s men took old Uncle Emil away,
No one has seen him since that time,
It seems giving the king a bad belly ache,
Is a very treasonous crime?

Now I have taken up Uncle Emil’s job,
But, the king eats fish and chickens no more,
Today I served up some tainted raw fish,
Just to settle up Uncle Emil’s score.

MY CHAINSAW WOULDN'T START

I needed firewood but my chainsaw wouldn't start,
So, I used a screwdriver and took it apart,
But, I could not make it run better,
Because I couldn't get it together,
It's like mechanics is some kind of an art.

MY LITTLE BUG NAMED ROVER

My little bug named Rover,
Decided he'd find a clover,
A bird overflew,
The bird gave Rover a chew,
My new little bug is named Grover.

TAMMY WAS CURSED BY A BLACK WIDOW SPIDER-Limerick

Tammy was chugging vodka and apple cider,
When she swallowed a cursed black widow spider,
It bit her in the throat,
She then started to bloat,
Now, she eats all the flies that land beside her.

I ALWAYS ENTER THE FOREST PREPARED

When I enter the forest I'm always prepared,

I'm ready to run for I keep myself scared,

And, I never fail,

To find the bunny trail,

Where wolves lie with their great big teeth bared. 

ODE TO THE MONSTERS OF BLING

Watch out for monsters, they'll steal all your bling,

They ripped out my piercing and gnawed off my ring,

And my bracelet of gold,

Was ripped off and then sold,

And my pocket gold tick tock was my last golden thing.

A TRACTOR ON THE HIGHWAY

I did not see the lawnmower, nor the fence nor the car,

Now my old farm tractor lies in bits on the highway tar,

I run over things instead of making passes,

Because I need to always wear my glasses,

So, instead of plowing up my field I'm sitting at the bar.

MY PYTHON LIMERICK

My python has just slithered away,
Now, out in the Florida swamps she will play,
Warning:  my snake is a hater,
So, beware alligator,
You might be her dinner today.

I FOUND ZOMBIES IN MY SWIMMING POOL

I found several zombies swimming in my swimming pool,
Their arms were eaten off so their swim style was not cool,
Like dead fish in my fish tank,
They floated to the surface and stank,
But, they were too big to flush down the toilet stool.

SALLY WAS CHASED BY A WILD PIG

Sally was being chased through the woods by a wild bore with tusks,
She figured he was attracted to her deodorant which smelled like musk,
She knew he was like all other pigs,
Even if they dressed well, with nice digs,
They were just beast occupying fancier husks.

THE PUDDLE WITH THE ARK

I walked in the woods and found a puddle with an ark,

And, floating there all crowed was a big piece of bark,

It held ants, worms and centipedes,

And, insect eggs that looked like seeds,

All waiting the puddle to vanish so their ride could then park. 

 

SAMMY'S SAUSAGE MALFUNCTION

Sammy ate pork sausage not quite done,

He ate it anyway because he had to run,

But it was not funny,

When the pork came out runny,

While Sammy was meeting with his big bosses son.

MAGGIE THE PIG THAT SUED

Maggie was a pig, who liked to really sue,
If you looked at her wrong your court date was due,
She would haul you in,
Accuse you of sin,
And take all that you accrue.

Maggie was an evil pig,
She liked to pick you pocket,
If you accused her of her gig,
She'd sue you on the court docket.

Maggie the pig was a schemer,
She was a conniving dreamer,
She would take you to court,
Then there she’d report,
You owed her your blood and your femur.

GLENDORA THE SPIDER MONSTER: A FOREST FABLE

Glendora was a spider monster who lived in a forest cave. Glendora was the only spider monster in the forest and that made Glendora very unhappy. She saw that all the other creatures in the forest had creatures like themselves to hang out with. Glendora felt alone and friendless. This made Glendora become jealous of the other animals that had friends and were happy.

Glendora was a spider over six feet tall and a lot of the forest creatures were intimidated by the large bulky spider. Glendora would always scowl at the other animals that approached her so it was soon common knowledge that Glendora wanted nothing to do with her fellow forest creatures.

One day Glendora decided to make the other animals in the forest feel some of her unhappiness. Glendora decided she would sneak up behind the smaller creatures and scare them. The first animals Glendora decided to scare were the chipmunks. Glendora quietly worked her way up behind a pair of chipmunks that were busily filling their cheeks with acorns. Just as Glendora came within a few feet of the chipmunks Glendora suddenly let out a fierce roar. The roar startled the little chipmunks so much that the acorns they were carrying in their cheeks popped out of their mouths.

Although the chipmunks had received quite a scare they did not stay frightened for long. Once they realized that the monster that had roared at them was Glendora the spider their fear turned to disgust. The chipmunks realized that spiders don’t eat chipmunks but live primarily on flies and other insects. “Glendora, why did you scare us like that?” The chipmunks asked angrily.

Glendora made no reply but just turned away from the chipmunks laughing heartily as she walked away. It seems that scaring the little chipmunks did make Glendora feel better. But, the good feeling Glendora had because of the fright she had given the chipmunks passed quickly. As Glendora walked along and realized that she was still alone. So then she felt just as bad as she did before she scared the chipmunks.

As Glendora walked through the forest she continued to feel bad but suddenly, Glendora spotted a pair of rabbits so she crept up on them and let out a great roar just a few feet from the little bunnies. The rabbits were surprised and jumped several feet in the air. Then, the rabbits saw that it was Glendora the spider monster that made the great roar and the bunnies were now much more angry than frightened. “Glendora, why did you roar and try to frighten us?” asked the rabbits.

Glendora felt really good once again and just turned away from the rabbits while laughing uncontrollably. It wasn’t long however, before Glendora started to feel bad again. This bad feeling lasted until Glendora came upon a pair of otters. Once again Glendora scared the small animals and laughed after scaring the creatures. Glendora decided to continue to scare the animals of the forest everyday that way she would at least feel good for a while. Glendora soon became a real pariah in the forest and no one wanted her around. All the animals disliked how she was always trying to scare them.

Glendora kept up her reign of scaring the forest animals for several months. But, one day Glendora woke up and felt very ill. It seemed that she had comve down with a terrible virus that made here very sick. Glendora was so sick she could not even leave her cave to catch flies to eat let alone go off through the forest scaring her animal neighbors.

After Glendora had been hold up in her caves for several days all the forest creatures that she had been harassing by sneaking up on them and roaring, began to wonder what had happened to her. After a while they became concerned that something had happened to Glendora and since Glendora was all alone maybe someone should go and check up on her. Finally, all the forest animals made their way to Glendora’s cave. Several of them brought along some flies and some fruit in case Glendora needed food and something to drink. None of the animals knew what they would find when they arrived at Glendora’s cave.

When the animals entered Glendora’s cave they found the once powerful spider monster down in bed. Glendora was very ill and had not been able to get food or anything to drink for several days. “What are you doing here?” Glendora asked.

“We haven’t seen you for days and we were concerned,” chirped a tiny chipmunk. “We thought we had better check on you to make sure that you’re all right.”

Glendora could not believe what she was hearing. “But I’m not one of you,” Glendora said. “I’m not like any of you.”

“But you are one of us,” said the little chipmunk. “You live in the forest with the rest of us. Your one of our neighbors. We are all like one big family that looks out for each other.”

Glendora suddenly felt a lot better. She realized that she had friends and neighbors and although she had been acting badly her friends and neighbors came to help her out. Glendora was not alone anymore. Soon, Glendora was over her illness and she became close friends with the other forest creatures. Glendora realized you didn’t have to associate with just those who look like you to have close friends. Friends can look very different and act very different than you.

JIM'S PICKUP SLID RIGHT OFF THE ROAD-Limerick

Jim's pickup slid right off of the road,
It was a wreck and had to be towed,
Jim's car would not start,
Nor would his golf cart,
So he hitchhiked and that's how he goed.

PETE THE MICHIGAN WATER BUG LIMERICKS

Old Pete was a Michigan water bug,
He didn’t swim fast but, went chug, chug, chug,
He didn’t have any job where he had to be,
He could swim slowly ’cause he was free,
Just like his land friend Andy the Slug.

Pete the water bug swam out to sea,
He decided Michigan was no place to be,
Taxes were too high,
Benefits were cut to die,
Pete was eaten by an ocean fishy.
 

A WEASEL NAMED WILLIE

There was a weird weasel named Willie,
When seen he'd often seem silly,
He'd bark like a dog,
Then, grunt like a hog,
And, dress in a skirt like aunt Millie.

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN

My time machine broke down in the late middle ages,

That was the most backward of human historical stages,

They over used the word "hath",

And, no one at all took a bath,

So, they all stunk be they kings, squires or pages.
 

THE CINNAMON BUN AND MY STAIN

I served punch in my fanciest bowl,

In the bottom the bowl had a hole,

That's where my punch would drain,

On ma's carpet, it left a big stain,

I took comfort with a cinnamon roll.

MY COLD ZONE FROSTY CONE

I had but one small frosty cone,

I saved it for a heatwave yet unknown,

Then when the temps made a big jump,

And heated up my small dump,

My cone put me in the coolest cold zone.

YOUR TRAILER, MY FAILURE, YOU LOSE

Well, I have some really bad news,

In your trailer I put in the wrong fuse,

I didn't expect all the fire,

From every electrical wire,

I'm sure the charred rubble you'll want to peruse.

THE CLOUD SWIMMER

Carrie the fish swam up in the clouds,
She swam way up there to avoid all the crowds,
For space she didn't vie,
It was quiet in the sky,
The packed ocean had a bad case of the clouds.

THE MICHIGAN OMNIVORE

In Michigan for a meal to score,
You must become an omnivore,
With finances unkind,
You eat what you find,
On the dirt, the bush or, the floor.

FAILURE TO TOOT TOOT

I had a little commute,

To the concert hall to play my toot toot,

But to my despair,

Nobody was there,

It seems the promoter had got the boot boot.

BREAKFAST POST ROAST URINE

I went to do an internet post,

While in thought I burned my toast,

It was my last slice of bread,

That was not stale, moldy dead,

My coffee tastes like a urinal roast.

I'M OFF TO THE YONDER PLACE

I'm off to the yonder place,

Where the deer and the antelope mace,

And, the bears and the cougars,

Fight turf wars with their Luger's,

It's still far better than the human race. 

 

FLOWERS FOR THE HUT

I found a flower on the back of my place,

It was so pretty looking most like white lace,

It was too pretty to cut,

To class up my crud hut,

So, dandelions dress up my home base.

EARTH DAY, BIRTHDAY AND POPCORN

It weren't even May,

When I had my Earth Day,

It was on my birthday,

So at home I did stay,

Watching movies, I had to pay,

Eating popcorn from a tray,

On the bean bag where I lay.

Kissed a boyfriend, he named Ray,

So I guess, I must be gay,

Ordered salad, I got hay,

Then went swimming in the bay.

EARTH DAY IS FOR ALIEN ACCOUNTANTS

Earth Day is when on the planet earth,
Alien accountants visit to count every resource,
To tell their home worlds what the planet is worth,
And, what type of trade rules to enforce,

The earth is then bundled and mortgaged and wrapped,
In various financial market makers,
But, someday all the earth’s resources will be taped,
By the alien world resource big takers,

But, what happens when the resources are gone,
And, the mortgage bundles loose all their wraps,
When there is nothing left to steal or to pawn,
Then there will be galactic economic collapse.

ANGEL FISH HAIKU

Angel fish, beauty,
Swim, filter, stuck, poor angel,
Angel fish, heaven.

BOOK BURNING FOR FRED

Fred went to the outhouse and Fred's books were gone,

They were collected and burned by some government spawn,

Fred felt really blue,

With nothing to do,

He fell asleep on his seat until dawn.

WHERE THE WILD THINGS LIVE (NEXT DOOR)

My neighbors went feral again,🐺🐅🐅🐶🐱🐘🐂🐗

They ate all my pigeons and kin,👩‍👩‍👧‍👧👩‍👦‍👦👩‍👧👨‍👦‍👦👩‍👩‍👧‍👧

They ate my sugar and molasses,🎂🍰

Wiped my carpet with their asses,💩💩💩💩

And gnawed holes in my meats cased by tin.🥫🥫

DRAGNET FOR MY FISHING POLE

I walked out on the dock and what did I pass?

A giant, a record, an enormous rock bass,

But, my pole was at the cabin, not out on the dock,

I took it to the cabin when I listened to Bach,

So, I ran back to the cabin to look for my pole,

I looked under the chairs and in every floor hole,

But, my fishing pole was not to be found,

I remembered I left it somewhere on the ground,

Alas, I sent the kids out in a fish pole dragnet,

And, one of them found it so expectations were met,

Then, another found my worms so; I knew I was set,

Next, I ran out on the dock to see if my bass was there yet,

Then, just as I saw that big rock bass in the bay,

He heard my running vibrations and swam fast away,

So, I fished off the dock for the rest of the day,

While, minnows tugged on my worm, trying to bait me to play. 

BEARD FULL OF BUGS LIMERICK

Jason had a beard full of  bugs,
He tried scratching and giving his hairs  tugs,
The bugs would itch and bite,
Jason could not sleep at night,
He shaved and the critters fell on the rugs

A SEPTIC TANK IN TURMOIL

When the bathtub gurgles and the septic gets perky,🛀🚽

When the sink backs up with water that's smelly and murky,💩

Then, you call for the truck,☎🚒

To get your septic tank a suck,⛲💦

Now, the drains in your home will all worky,😁

I WENT SALMON FISHING IN THE SPRING? LIMERICKS

I went salmon fishing early this spring,
I was pulled in like a real ding-a-ling,
The fish pulled me down river,
The cold gave me a shiver,
I don't know if it was a coho or king.

I went salmon fishing in the early spring,
But, salmon run in the fall and that's the thing,
I did get my wish,
I hooked a big fish,
He yanked my arm off and my gold ring.

I went salmon fishing in the spring,
I hooked onto a big log or some other big thing,
I had very bad luck,
My bait would not come unstuck,
My line broke and made a loud ping.

IT RAINED ON MY SNOWMAN ARMY PARADE

Down the rain kept coming and washed my snowman army all away,

I was going to invade the neighbor's rhubarb patch on the first full day of May,

With winter labors I made 

My snowmen on parade,

Now, I'll have to start over with clay.

THE APRIL SNOWS WOES

April snows,
Bring garden woes,
And, ruins everything,

April snows,
Freezes little toes,
And, makes infected ear drums ring,

April snows,
As April goes,
Is no harbinger of Spring,

April Snows,
As everyone knows,
Puts one on Google and/or Bing.

 

MOW THE GRASS

It’s the time of the year to mow the grass,
Although I’d rather just take a pass,
My mower don’t run,
It’s hot in the sun,
The bugs bite me all over my mass.

Mowing the grass is a mortal sin,
It will just grow right back again,
If my heart has an attack,
I'll never grow back,
So, why not let the long grass win?

OLD VICKER THE WICKER PICKER

There was a man named Mr. Vicker,
His passion was restoring old wicker,
He'd prowl down the streets,
Looking for wicker without seats,
He was known as the old wicker picker.

WOODPECKER

The woodpecker pecked wood real jerky,

His bobble head made him look quirky,

His sudden jumps showed he was perky, 

"What'd ya expect?" he said, "I ain't no turkey."

POOR WEASEL PAUL

Poor Weasel Paul went and bit on a bear,
Which he wouldn't have done, but for Weasel Will's dare,
It's not much of a hunch,
What the bear had for lunch,
Which gave Weasel Will a big scare.

A RED BRICK NAMED DAVE

There was a red brick named Dave,
Each day he would rant and rave,
He was part of a wall,
About eight feet tall,
He wished to be part of the pave.

WAR AND FAMINE

I have no hamburger, because of the horrible war,

I ate my goldfish, named Sammy, because I am poor,

Overseas, the bombs are blasting,

Here, my pantry ain't lasting,

And my mouth is now bleeding, because I chewed on the floor,

I then chewed on the chair legs, because I wanted more.

,

I TANKED A TANK AND A BANK

I was in the army and drove a tank,

I drove it out on a lake and it sank,

The army could see,

They did not want me, 

Now, I run a home mortgage bank.

UPON MY TOMATO FRUIT SHALL FEED

I have a little tomato plant that I grew from seed,

When my sister saw it she told mom I grew a weed,

Since my sister is a snoot,

She'll get no tomato fruit,

For only the nicest people upon my fruit shall feed.

MAYBE IT'S THE BOOGEYMAN?

As I laid upon my bed,

Someone painted my toenails red,

Did some elf play a part?

Or, a troll's expression of art?  

Maybe it's the boogeyman trying to get inside my head?

SPOILED DEVILED EGGS HAIKU

Deviled eggs, spoiled,
Bad feeling, not right, belly,
Bathroom, bathroom, SICK!