JALAPENOS, FOR GOOD OR BAD

Would you like some jalapenos with your evening meal?

They taste good with everything, from escargot to veal,

Now, consuming jalapeno peppers you may rue,

For your mouth will be a sweaty goo,

And, your nose will drop snot green or blue,

Then, you'll feel a burning pain when you try to go poo-poo.

NO SWIM AT THE GYM, STINKY SHOES

There were some stink bugs in my shoes,

Now, my footsies are bad news,

I got banned from the gym,

I thought I'd clean off with a swim

But, the members had alternative views.

WHY JIM PITCHED A POP

Poor Jim, with his shampoo his roommate did a switchie,

Now, Jim's head is most terrible itchy,

Of course, Jim's roommate was so vile,

That he cracked one big smile,

Which Jim smacked with a pop bottle pitchie. 

I CAME ACROSS ZOMBIES

I came across zombies who were all eating bugs,

I offered them brains but, I got no bites or head hugs,

I think they were crazy,

Or, just really lazy,

To lazy to wipe drool from their mugs.

THE TENDER LOVE OF CHICKENS

I had a chicken named Jenny,
She hung out with a rooster named Benny,
When Benny walked through the ferns,
With his long comb and sideburns,
Jenny thought her beau wasn't just any.

When my chicken Jenny married Benny the rooster,
I decided to make my chicken dinner a twoster,
I invited family to the feast,
Of the bird couple beasts,
Their love was a real tender booster.

THERE ONCE WAS A GHOST NAMED NANCY-Limerick

There once was a ghost named Nancy,
She liked to dress up really fancy,
She liked to wear hats,
All covered with bats,
Which made any onlooker antsy.

Nancy was a real crazy ghost,
She liked to hide behind a post,
She would jump out and say,
"Boo! You go away,"
She was thought of as a poor host.

BEET THE WORMS

I went down to the rover to wash off my beets,

When I cook beets with butter, they're sought after treats,

But, when I washed off the clay,

I felt such dismay,

The roots were worm homes and worm eats.

TWINKLE, TWINKLE I'M A STAR

Twinkle, Twinkle I'm a star,
After spending Thursday at the bar,
But, I'm out on the range,
How I got here is strange,
And, I'm not sure who owns this nice car. 

FREE MAIL LANDS DOC IN JAIL

I never had to get my mail,

My neighbor Doc, got it without fail,

He didn't  give it to me,

Doc considered my mail was free,

I wonder which neighbor will get it, now that Doc is in jail.

SAMMY'S SANDCASTLE AND THE SEA

Sammy's sandcastle was built too close to the sea,
Along came a whitecap and it ceased to be,
Sammy was ticked,
Not for the location he picked,
But, at the water that set the sand grains all free.

WHAT I DO DURING COVID LOCKDOWN

I like to eat my pork,

I like to eat my beans,

I like eating two slices of bread,

With tuna in betweens,

I like to eat cupcake,

I like my tatters too,

I once cut them up with carrots,

And, cooked them in a stew,

I like my apple cider,

I blended it with beer,

Grandad went and drank too much,

That's why grandad isn't here.

I GOT KICKED OUT OF THE DORMS

I went to the Hub to watch some performs,

The RA walked in and I got kicked from the dorms,

It was mid-winter and it was freezin'

The wind blew hard, no gentle breezin'

So, I built a large fire to keep me toes warms.

FISHIN' FOR MALNUTRITION

I decided to go ice fishin',
For dinner I was wishin',
A crawdad cut my line,
So, on my bait he could dine,
For my dinner, I'll have malnutrition.
 

THERE WAS A MOUSE NAMED LARRY? Limerick

There was a mouse named Larry,
His tail was wide and hairy,
He chased it around,
And, guess what he found,
He was really a squirrel named Mary.

The Bacon Grease Murder

I fried my pancakes the best I canned,

In bacon grease I watched them expand,

I feed my guy lots of grease,

Though, it clogs his ticker piece,

But, life insurance I understand.

FACING FEAR AND ENDING UP ON A GOLF CORUSE

I've always been afraid of heights don't you see?
So, I thought a pilots license was the right thing for me,
And, I was at my very best,
Until, I took the solo flight test,
Then, I froze and crashed on a golf course, 9th tee.

THE BOYSENBERRY GOLDFISH MURDER

A murder occurred in my little frog pond,

Where my goldfish met the great beyond,

I think my goldfish received a poison,

When he was fed the berry boysen,

By my neighbor who was not fond. 

NEW CAR, WHITE SEATS AND COFFEE HAIKU

New car, white seats, floor,
Hot coffee addiction, No!
New car, customized.

POOR LITTLE HYPER-TOAD

Poor, little hyper-toad,
If coffee you would not drink,
Then, you would not be so jittery,
And, your underarms might not stink,

Poor little hyper-toad,
Although your skin is green,
You have nasty grayish warts,
That are better left unseen,

Poor little hyper-toad,
You’re bad looks keep you unharmed,
You think no one will eat you,
Your aspect makes predators alarmed.

Poor little hyper-toad,
I might be just a hungry fox,
But, even I can easily tell,
You‘re ugly but have no pox.

Poor little hyper-toad,
You are picked on way to much,
But, soon your hurt feelings will go away,
Because I’m hungry now for lunch.

THE HOT EARTH, I DID THAT

I decided to raise the temperature quite a lot,

Releasing fridge gas was the plot,

In my shack the gas was squireled,

Then, came the day my plot unfurled,

I'm so proud at how hot it got.😈😈😈😈😈

I 

LITTLE OTTO AND HIS APPLE TREE

Little Otto's father and mother bought Otto an apple tree,

They told him it was a reward for Otto drinking all his tea,

Otto said he wanted a computer game,

And, an apple tree was not the same,

Otto's father and mother replied, "Otto's apples we'll eat free."

WHEN MY REMOTE CONTROL DIED

I happened to drop my remote control,
It sank to the bottom of my goldfish's bowl,
My remote control died,
My goldfish was fried,
After the service I buried them both in a hole.

I WAIL ON MY HORN WHEN, I LOSE MY CORN

Fall is here to freeze my corn,

I wish that fall was never born,

My last rose has died away,

I won't see  flowers until mid-May,

I be all tear drops forlorn,

I guess I'll wail on my English horn.

THE TWISTED WORM

We can't avoid the twisting worm,

 It lies down underneath,

 In decay it brings to term,

 The creature and the leaf,

 The worms kingdom is undiscovered, 

All dead-fall hides his race, 

Once gone down nothing is recovered,

 Unless, changed within the place, 

All life ends with a great dead-fall,

As the smell and rot affirms,

But, from the decay some shoots grow tall, 

Fed by feces from the worms.

 

 .

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION; FAILURE IS DESTINY

“Failure is not an option,” Bob would often spout,
But, Bob knew not what he was really talking about,
Bob’s future plans were bold,
Then, Bob grew very old,
Bob found “Failure is Destiny,” without a doubt.

LOVE AND THE GUILLOTINE

On my way to the guillotine, I found my one true love,

She was the one who washed the necks of those condemned by gov,

Although our romance was only chatter,

We shared the feelings that really matter,

And, we will one day meet at an all-you-can-eat restaurant, up above. 

GROWING GOLD ON DIRTY DISHES

In my kitchen sink I've grown so much mold,
That I'd be rich if such stuff could be sold,
A mold garden might be one of those niches,
That will bring me great riches,
If my alchemy can turn mold to gold.

CHILDREN FULL OF CORN

All my children are stuffed full of corn,

Each started to feed when each one was born,

Now, they are each big,

Cause, my species is pig,

And, how proudly our pig bulk is worn. 

A PARTY OF FOUR MADE RESTAURANT POOR

I went to a restaurant with a party of four,

We each ordered corned beef for our dinner core,

I had side fries for my scales grief,

The others had salads of leaf,

But, at the end the bills made us all poor.

THE COB HABIT

I was fired from my night clerk job,

When I was caught eating corn on the cob,

Now, I have no funds for my cob habit,

 So, I'm eating grass like a rabbit,

And, the grass gives me gas oh, sob.

A SNEAKY STYLE INSPIRED FROM A BIG HAIR PILE

I came across a pile of scat all full of hairs,

It was an enormous pile which gave me the scares,

So, I backtracked thru the woods,

As quiet as I coulds,

You have to be sneaky when you live amongst bears.

I BRAKE FOR BUGS

I don't likes trees, bears, bugs or, snakes,

If I see the aforementioned I slam on my brakes,

I don't care if I skid,

Flip over on my lid,

I avoid the confrontation whatever it takes.

MY SINK GOT MY PINK

I decided to play with my old slinky,

It was sharp and cut off my big pinky,

In less than a blink,

My pink went down the sink,

For the next month my house smelled really stinky.

STICKS AND STONES CAUSE BROKEN BONES BUT, A MUD BALL MAKES ME DIRTY

I went to throw snowballs but, the grass had turned green,

There were sticks and stones but, to throw them would be mean,

Now the kid living next door

Is half my age at just four,

Threw a mud ball and now I'm not clean.

I HAVE AN ALIEN, REPTILIAN BRAIN LIMERICK

I have an alien, reptilian brain,

I just want to murder and eat, it's insane,

Please, don't give me no hugs,

Just pass me a plate of big bugs,

For a main course, I'll eat someone's Great Dane.

THE SUMMER HAIKU SATIRE

Summer heat, itch feet,
Flowers, pain, sinus headaches,
Hot, Dusty, Sweat, Rash.

MY POTATO CHIPS

I went to the store for a snack,
But, I was really, terribly rushed,
In the car door I slammed my sack,
Now, my potato chips are most certainly crushed.

THE DEBT CRISIS OF JITTERBUG JONES

Jitterbug Jones was nervous they say,

He had massive bills but, worked for low pay,

He tried selling his blood,

The payout was a dud,

So, Jitterbug Jones ran away.

THE JOY OF BEING SNEAKY

Being smart or having looks that stun,
Is for the dullards and the geeky,
The greatest minds will gain their fun,
From the joy of being sneaky,

When you suffer from a business gone bad,
You will whimper and blame it on luck,
When a deal with a sneak is what you had,
Because the sneak could make a fast buck,

When a girl you like avoids you everyday,
You blame hygiene or the atire you wear,
When it was the sneak, who made his home play,
When he told her your wife just might care,

A sneak is rich, loved; you know the type,
A sneak knows what to do and to say,
 Being good and honest is just a great hype,
Invented by the sneaky they say.

THE BARBER OF SAND HILL

I went to Sand Hill to get my hair cut,
Cheap price cause the barber was flagged as a nut,
Now, one side he cut shorter,
By an inch and a quarter,
And, down the center he shaved a big rut.

PERCY WRITES LIMERICKS

Percy is a limerick writer,
He's an artist not a fighter,
But, his lines do not rhyme,
And, his meter's off time,
His whole mind could be a lot brighter.

Sir Percy never had a thought,
His school papers he always bought,
His family had money,
So, his outlook was sunny,
He sold mortgages 'til he was caught.

I WENT TO CHEBOYGAN TO BUY GREENS

I went to Cheboygan to buy me some greens,
I also bought carrots, kohlrabi and beans,
But, I tell you no fake,
I got a bad belly ache,
Seems, eating veggies is not in my genes.

MY DOG GETS STINKY HAIKU

Dog, pond, stagnant, stinks,
Dog, skunk, hunt, spray, whimper, run,
Dog, country, bath, soap.

POOCH ON A CAROUSEL HAIKU

Dog, pet, Pooch, fair, ride,

Up, down, pony, sick, barf, sick,

Carousel, No Dogs!

A CHIPMUNK NAMED BOB

There was a little chipmunk Bob,
Stealing from squirrels was his job,
He'd watch them all day,
Then, when they hit the hay,
All of their treasures he'd rob.

A chipmunk named Bob liked to steal,
He'd watch the squirrels bury each meal,
A digging Bob would go,
But, once he was too slow,
And a squirrel bit Bit Bob on the heel.

PEANUT BREATH, MINTS AND THE MOON SQUIRRELS

I went to the moon to feed a colony of moon squirrels,

I brought them some peanuts and breath mints shaped like pearls,

They thought it a winner,

Eating goobers for dinner,

And, the mints made them classy as earls.

THE BUTT COLLECTOR

George had a collection of cigarette signed butts,

Only from the those deemed famous, infamous or nuts,

He had mud wrestlers and drag queens,

Those smoked by stars on silent screens,

The oldest ones were said to be king Tut's.

I COULD NOT PLAY MY TOOT, TOOT, TOOT

I could not play my toot, toot, toot,
My trumpet was broken but, not my flute,
Hence, I sounded a peep, peep, peep,
Which made the conductor weep, weep, weep,
So, out of the orchestra I got the boot.

TREE FALLS ON TRAILER HAIKU

Large dead tree falls down,
Trailer crumples like tin can,
Not insured. So sad.

RITA THE CHEETAH BITES ME THEN I YELL

I went to see Mr. Gooddell,
He lives in the zoo's big cat cell,
He has a pet there named Rita,
She's an African cheetah,
When she bites me, I'll let out a yell.

 

HANDLING A RATTLESNAKE BITE WHILE DRIVING

Sam drove down the road to deliver a keg,
When a rattlesnake crawled up his right leg,
A bite made Sam's eyes fill up with tears,
As he drove off the road with his keg of beers,

Of course there was a really terrible crash,
The snake crawled away leaving Sam's head in the dash,
Now, Sam was a hero at least some legends say,
For not one drop of beer was lost on that day,

Now all were happy that the keg was not lost,
Although, poor Sam paid a terrible cost,
So, when driving and up your leg crawls a rattlesnake,
Just ease up on the gas and tap down on the brake.

TAURUS ON THE GRILL

There once was a grill cook named Boris,
The only meat he would grill came from Taurus,
The steaks were so rare,
We'd get kind of a scare,
For we'd all swear the steaks charged right for us.

JERRY NEEDS SOME TEETH

Jerry lost all of his front teeth,
While playing on his trumpet,
Because each time Jerry tried to play,
The tuba guy would bump it,

Jerry lost his other teeth,
Because he ate so much candy,
Now he can't bite or chew his food,
He just swallows it with brandy,

Jerry really needs some teeth,
Because teeth are for more than play,
You never know when you might need them,
To scare the bears away.

WHERE ARE THE SHIPS IN MORTIMER BAY?

There was a pirates cove on Mortimer Bay,
Two pirate ships anchored there one foggy day,
Then, along came Captain Dodger,
Who spied the Jolly Roger,
The Queen's Captain wanted the pirates to pay.

There were three ships in Mortimer Bay,
The largest one sailed away,
The other two had a fight,
Then sank out of sight,
Amongst sand and shellfish they lay.

The large pirate ship on Mortimer Bay,
Ran off from the battle the Bay folks say,
It sailed out to sea,
It was battle free,
But, hit rocks and sank anyway.

A BEE EATING FROG NAMED BUGSY

There was a bee eating frog named Bugsy,
The bees thought that he was a thugsy,
Bugsy stuck out his tongue,
He got his tongue stung,
Now Bugsy the frog needs a hugsy.

NATILE HAD STINKY TOES

Natalie had a really small nose,
Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes,
It was offensive, unclean,
The tainted smell was obscene,
So, she washed between them with a hot power-hose.

I FOUND A FROG IN MY O.J. TODAY

I found a frog in my O.J. today,

And, a worm in my cheese that sat on a tray,

My sandwich had bugs,

My soup was just full of slugs,

 Then, bed bugs swarmed everywhere that I lay.

I ONCE DROVE A BUS

I was stuck driving a bus full of obnoxious teens,

They had all filled up on cans of pork and baked beans,

We hit a bump in the road and that was that,

The windows blew out and the tires went flat,

And, the roof of the bus blasted upwards like a rocket,

I lost both eardrums and one eye from it's socket,

Now, I'm hearing impaired and just have one eye,

And, I won't drive one more bus until the day that I die. 

THE DAY OF THE JUNIPER

I walked along a shrubbery ledge,

Then, from my chest erupted a juniper wedge,

Being back stabbed by shrub wood,

Did not feel very good,

I had planed to remove the old juniper hedge.

I INVENTED TIME TRAVEL OR, HOW I'M GOING TO.LIVE FOREVER

I was sitting contemplating with great gloom,

The arrow of time pointed straight to my doom,

Then, it hit me like a rock,

If I had different times on each clock,

I'd time travel as I moved room to room.