IN THE DEER-WOODS I SET UP A TENT

In the deer-woods I set up a tent,
I set up a wood-stove and piped out a vent,
Heat was my desire,
But, my whole tent caught fire,
So, out to the cold woods I went.

STRETCH OUT CHILI BY ADDING BEANS

A bear ate the weather woodchuck, and I don't know what that means,

Will winter be long or short, or somewhere inbetweens,

Will we get northern snow,

Or, a warm southern blow,

Will my chili be all meat, or almost 2/3rds beans.

THE CARPET AND THE TREE

My little doggie, he got free,

And on the carpet took a pee,

Right there for everyone to see,

Darker than the spilled coffee,

I hope he doesn't kill my tree.

THE GRIZZ AND THE GROUND HOG

I went looking for a ground hog, to see when the winter might pass,

I ran into a griz instead, and he ate off half my mass,

The cold froze shut my wound with snow,

To the hospital I crawled to go,

And, I would have made it, 'cept my bod ran out of gas.

I HOPE TO HECK MY PARSNIPS GROW LIMERICK

I hope to heck my parsnips grow, 
Deep beneath the piled up snow, 
In the winter I'll eat, 
Starvation I'll beat, 
If I remember where I planted the row.

TERMINATION REPORT

They laid me off for the holiday,

Said they might hire me back come next May,

Why I was fired nobody would say,

Of course, I call in sick every Monday,

Monday mornings are cold, so in bed I stay.

MY SANDWICH WAS SOGGY AND SWEET

My sandwich was not very neat,
I had no money so I couldn't afford meat,
But  I had some grape juice,
So on my bread I let loose,
And  my sandwich was soggy and sweet.

THE SCOOPS OF ICE CREAM QUESTION

I love to eat scoops of ice cream atop a sugar cone,
But, every scoop of ice cream adds size round my hip bone,
So, how many scoops of ice cream is deemed to be just right?
Well, I simply eat scoops of ice cream until my jeans get way too tight.

AFTERLIFE ANCESTOR TEA COMPANY

My car slid on the ice and I slammed into a tree,

Then my ancestors surrounded me,

"You drive too fast",

They said at last,

"Now you're dead and we won't share our tea."

ICY ROADS AND I SEE DEAD PEOPLE

I slid my pickup off the road today into a ditch, and bammy,

I got a little concussion, so excuse me if I sound whammy,

It was a surprise,

My life flashed before my eyes,

I was even greeted by my dear, departed grammy. 

A LIZZARD NAMED MORGAN MAY-Limerick

There was a lizard named Morgan May,
She did lizard stuff most every day,
She liked to eat mice,
Juicy crickets and lice,
When frightened she would just crawl away.

THE ALIEN CREATURE INVADES LIMERICK

I downloaded a really cheap movie feature,

About some crazy invading alien creature,

And, although the story wasn't tight,

Brutal force showed the creature's might,

So, earth's A-bomb was a fitting creature teacher.   

PIZZA MAN LIMERICK

Pizza Man works really hard for his tips,
If he gets none he will puff out his lips,
So, get out some bucks,
You tight old dumb clucks,
Or, you'll receive Pizza Man's finger flips.

There was a guy they called Pizza Man,
He made deep dish pizza in a pan,
He delivered them too,
In his van painted blue,
When his van broke down then, he ran.

In my town Pizza Man was a star,
If he was coming you'd stop your car,
He had the right of way,
So, you had to obey,
For Pizza Man must travel afar.

THE MORALITY OF SPIDER SQUASHING

Squashed a big spider,

Random act of violence,

Regrets, found babies.

PAY TO CHEW

There's a cute little blue jay eating in the tree,  

He's chewing on some suet that I left up there for free,

I wonder if it's a crime, 

If I asked that bird for just a dime,

My money is so dear that, it's a meal for him or me.

THE MAN WITH STINKY HONEY BREATH

The reason I get odd looks and stares,

Is because my teeth are as big as a bear's,

And, my gait is bear funny,

While, my breath stinks of honey,

I guess I am a bear but, who cares? 

MY PODCAST WAS A DUD

My podcast was a total dud,

They said my philos was just crud,

I didn't gain a fan,

Unless, you count Dick and Dan,

I bribed them with burger and sud.

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SAM

There was a leprechaun named Sam,
He loved his eggs, bacon and ham,
He once ate a green bean,
It gassed up his small spleen,
Then, he released the gas with a “Bam!”

FANGS OF REVENGE

In my garden there was a poisonous snake,

He was waiting for a murderous break,

And, he found a win,

As his fangs pierced my skin,

Revenge for his mom's death by my rake.

PIZZA GONE BAD

The pizza I had delivered, tasted like feet,👣

It was pricy, and I still had to eat,💸🍕🍕

So I shared with a friend,👯

Turned an enemy by the end,😠

We both had our stomachs pumped, now we're both beat.🚑🏨💤

TO A SPOUSE LIMERICK

What a wicked wooly beastie,
She licks her plate at every feastie,
She sleeps with a cat and a dog,
I sleep outside on a log,
I guess that she likes me the leastie.

THE PET BIRD AND THE PET BOBCAT

Boggy had a pet bobcat named Bites,
Bites ate birds and wore bright colored tights,
Boggy also had a pet parakeet,
Whom Bites didn't hesitate to eat,
Boggy took away Bites rights to his tights.

ANIMAL JOKES

Joke: How many 12 inch fish are in a foot?
Answer: Feet don't have fish in them so there are zero fish in a foot.

Joke: If 40 birds are sitting in a tree and ten of them are chirping, 15 of them are quiet and 15 of them are standing on one leg then, how many of them are flying?
Answer: All forty birds are sitting in a tree so none of them are flying.

MY MANGLED MANDOLIN MADE MILLIONS

My mandolin got mangled when it fell out the back of my pickup truck,
And, although I didn't feel lucky the driver behind me had worse luck,
But, it's hard for me to grieve,
For that driver, I'll call Steve,
He suffered only mild injuries and won ten million plus one buck.

BEWARE THE FERAL DOG

There are feral dogs out in the dark,

I know they're there because I hear them bark,

When they bite it's an ouch,

A month to recover on the couch,

If your throat they nip, then it's cemetery park.

THE FLYING FISH IN THE EYE LIMERICK

A flying fish stabbed me deep in my eye,
Of course it made me wail and then cry,
The many tears were ill spent,
For fish loved saltwater scent,
So, into my face many fishes did fly.

MY SHOTGUN EXPLODED IN MY FACE

My shotgun exploded in my face,
Even though, I had duct tape in place,
And, just like last year,
The explosion scared off the deer,
Maybe, a new shotgun will draw me an ace.

MY POKY-STICK AND THE BEARS

For fun I'd go looking for bears,

I'd poke them with a stick for some dares,

But, one bear had a trick,

He broke my poky-stick,

Then he ate me and coughed up my hairs.

GORDO THE GOLDFISH LIMERICK AND POEM

Poem
Gordo the goldfish grew a full set of teeth,
He then ate his companions Julie and Keith,
He sharpened his teeth on a fake coral reef,
While eyeing the table where sat a roast beef.

 Limerick

Gordo the goldfish won't eat fish food, dried flies,
The roast beef on the table is where his heart lies,
But, he can't jump out of his bowl,
For someone covered the hole,
So, he stares out at the roast beef and cries.

 

GETTING EDUCATED TO KEEP MY JOB

My boss told me I was a complete fool,

My boss sent me back to junior high school,

All I said was, "duh",

In a class called algebra,

And, I was made fun of, because I tend to drool.

THERE ONCE WAS A SAILOR NAMED GREG

There once was a sailor named Greg,
He sat down really hard on his leg,
His eyes filled with tears,
As his mateys yelled jeers,
For Greg's leg was a hickory peg.
   

THE GREAT SHELLED LIZARD IN SKEDGEMOG LAKE

The great shelled lizard in Skedgemog lake,

He's a snapping turtle they say,

The souls of swimmers and boaters he'll take,

While, on the bottom he lay,

You cannot out swim him,

Or, harm him with the longest knife,

For once that turtle sees you,

He will snap away your life,

So, rowing out beneath the moon,

Feeling safe in your little row boat,

You spot a monster swimming near,

And, a lump grows in your throat,

The monster veers towards you with open jaws,

Then, cuts in half your boat,

The monster cuts your belly with his claws,

Then, you struggle to stay afloat,

The monster comes towards you from below,

You can't see him but, you know he's there,

How to escape you do not know,

So, well thee will not fare,

Then, the brutal pain,

As he chomps upon your bones,

And, all that's on your brain,

Are your terrors, your screams, your moans,

Old Skeggy they call the creature,

The monster in Skedgemog Lake,

He is the lake's most famous feature,

Then, it's the rattlesnake yearly bake.

THE COLD-SHOCK-QUICKIE

When it gets really hot and really sticky,
All jump into the pool for a cold-shock-quickie,
But, going from hot, hot to cold, cold,
Should be only for the real bold,
For the rest will scream and become sickie.  

THE TURTLE FOOT FALSETTO

Billy had turtle feet,

He couldn't dance to a beat,

German opera he could sing,

A falsetto voice, he'd make ring,

Provided Billy had plenty to eat. 

THERE WAS A MONSTER FROM MARS

There was a monster named Lucky, from mars,
He liked fancy beer and fast cars,
When he was driving too fast,
His luck did not last,
Now, the monster sits behind prison bars.

WHY MY RESTAURANT FAILED

Donny the cook had bugs climb up his snout,
But, he didn't know that he could just blow them right out,
So he used his finger,
And left it to linger,
Which caused my customers to all walk out.  

BIG KEEPER FISH AND THE FUTURE

The big fish that are keepers,

Run in the waters that are deepers,

In the shallows you'll only find logs,

And, you'll catch two dollar frogs,

So, we are the reapers,

Of the cheap protein creepers,

So, tomorrow we eat our cats and our dogs.

THE PREENER

My buddy Birdie liked to preen,

Birdie was a preening machine,

No matter what the weather,

Every Birdie feather,

Was pecked free of lice, and then licked clean.

WHY ARE THE WITCHES IN THE WOODS?

Boil, boil my plum pudding,

A witch's brew when a coven's hooding,

A sacrifice in the woods,

A farmer's live goods,

On the lot the farm keeps for wooding,

Under a full moon but, when no stars light,

Dire times so, seems the service right,

The crops have failed,

Money lenders bailed,

Resources are dear and tight,

The coven calls back to the past,

To a dead religion who's honors last,

Before paradise gates,

With mansions, no hates,

But, harms fates resolve now, fast,

Desperate are the times that linger,

As freezing black then, lost each finger,

While starving pain,

Makes a focused brain,

Listening to a fallen singer.

  

  

BOXED CHICKEN

The chicken I ate came cut into many parts,

It was boxed and sold in one of those grocery marts,

I was so glad,

The chicken didn't taste so bad,

Just wished the box included liver, gizzards, hearts.

THE WIND CHILL IS NO FRIEND OF MINE

The wind chill is no friend of mine,

It's taken my pet rats since I was nine,

It's caused me to freeze and blister,

And, to rat out my older sister,

Because, she shoves me outdoors when I whine.

MY DEER DECISION

I decided not to go out and hunt any deer,
My blind didn't have cable and just one rabbit ear,
So, at home I watched cable,
And, dined on my coffee table,
While, drinking bottles and bottles of beer.

BROKE BEAK PENGUIN

My penguin Ben came home with a broke beak,

He had a big fight with his cousin named Zeek,

They fought over a dead fish,

Ben said came from his tin dish,

My penguin Ben said his coz was a sneak.

ITCHY RICHEY AND MY KITTY

I  had this fish, his name was Richie,

He complained that he was itchy,

The cat offered a claw,

Gave Ritchie a naw,

Now my Ritchie is really twitchy. 

THE PLANT SPIRIT

I just met the ghost of a red daffodil,

It use to live way up on this hill,

But a chipmunk, who was rude,

Thought the daffodil was food,

The daffodils' spirit wanders the hill still.

TRY NOT TO SLEEP SO MUCH THIS YEAR

Try not to sleep so much this year,
For each hour you snore you're end draws near,
Better stay mostly awake,
All the awake you can take,
For at the end awake time is dear.  

THE EATER OF BUGS LIMERICK

There was a praying mantis named Sid,
Now old Sid stayed perfectly hid,
When a bug came along,
It had sung it's last song,
Then, Sid could feed his mom, wife and kid.

FOUR LITTLE QUARTERS: MY SAVINGS AND CRAVINGS

Four little quarters I dropped into my coin bank,
They jingled and rattled while to the bottom they sank,
They were my life's savings,
I spent the rest on my cravings,
I always ate out, went to sports bars and drank.

WHAT CREPT UP ED'S NOSE? III

From an alien world the entity came,
It crawled up Ed's nose to feed, oh shame,
Then, from this alien scorn,
Many babies were born,
Vicious carnivores that no one could tame.

THE BABOON ROMANTIC LIMERICK

Henry was a baboon,
He just loved most of all the new moon,
His girlfriend Nancy,
For Hank had a fancy,
They would sit in their tree and just spoon.

WHEN TIMES GET TOUGH

When times get rough I eat pinecones,

I check the highway for bleached white bones,

Then I make my cobwebs stew

Though the ingredients are few,

The stew I serve with my acorn flour scones.

I CALENDER COUNT ONLY NICE DAYS

I try to forget every cold, sunless day,

And, it's almost the first day of May,

But, this year I remember just one, 

Warm day with bright sun,

So, the first day of this year it will stay.

A BEAR AND A BIGFOOT WALKED INTO A PUB LIMERICK

A bear and a Bigfoot walked into a pub,
They each ordered a beer and a plate full of grub,
The bear finished his food fast,
The Bigfoot made his food last,
The bear was still hungry because he was a tub.

THE IN-GROWN TOE NAIL

Vic had a toe nail that grew into his toe,
He suffered with pain and all kinds of woe,
He took out a hammer,
Gave a toe a good bammer,
The pain was worse, but how could Vic know?

Vic had an in-grown toe nail,
It hurt and Vic gave a big wail,
His pain was so great,
He cancelled his date,
His girlfriend left; what a sad tale.

BUDDY GOES DITCH DIVING

Buddy got a bad, bad itch,

From wading in a runoff ditch,

I hate to much dwell,

On Buddy's chemical smell,

But it made his eyes go twitch, twitch, twitch.

DECEMBER FULL MOON

It's a happy afternoon,
Under December's big full moon,
We don't have much of day,
It's too cold to care anyway,
The day grows even shorter soon,
That makes saneness seem a loon,

There is plenty more to do,
Though the year is more than through,
The year is slipping all away,
No reliving any day,
For all those passing we will pray,
Though their memories fade away,

As the year comes to a close,
We count our triumphs and our woes,
Our beginning confidence,
All scarred by barbed and razor fence,
Defeat is what keeps us on our toes,
Next year we may enter and not leave,who knows.

I'M FROM PARTS UNKNOWN

The doctor said I was made of parts unknown,

He said I had cartilage where I should have had bone,

My blood was not red,

More a mauve color he said,

And, my heart was a big granite stone.

TEACH + BLEACH = DIRT NAP, NOT BEACH

Politicians I look to all forcefully teach,

You can solve most of your problems with a gallon of bleach,

So, that's what I tried,

Drank their cocktail and died,

Should have just hung out with crowds at the beach.

FLIP THE SHIP

My little, tiny, teeny ship,
Twelve feet of metal and the side had a rip,
I just left the dock,
A wave made my ship rock,
Then over, my ship made a flip. 

SOCIAL MEDIA, I'M NOT ALL THERE

I have been banned from all social media on earth,

All my comments are deleted, from my death back until my birth,

I guess I'll have a munch,

Mostly candy bars for lunch,

I can't gain social media followers, but I increase my girth.