NEIGHBORLY ADVICE

The neighbor lady told Paul, he looked really creepy,

When he walked the neighborhood alone, before sleepy,

She said, to at least get a small dog,

Visit the local pub for a grog,

And, quit using the neighbor's front lawns to go pee pee.

BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

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I VISITED MY NEIGHBORS DOWNSTAIRS

There was a clog in my kitchen sink drain,
While under my sink the pipes leaked stinky rain,
Then, my floorboards got soft,
And, I plunged down from my loft,
To visit neighbors, who asked me to explain.

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THE BASS, BASS, BASS, SHOE CONTEST

They disputed my final fish weigh-in, and I lost the 1st place, and cash prise,

The prise was $10,000 dollars, that brought a million tears to my crying eyes,

The weight was a little bit askew,

I added the weight of an old shoe,

This contest was rigged; I won't donate my fish to any charity fish fries.

WHEN THINGS FALL APART, GET YOUR FEET ON THE GROUND

A big baboon and a little ginger, went on a  fair ride,

On a rusty, rickety ferris wheel, they sat side by side,

When the wheel fell all apart,

The baboon showed he was smart,

He swung down using cables, the ginger got impaled, and died.

THE BALLAD OF BENNY MUNDANE

Benny woke up this morning, and noticed a bump on his dome,

He figured he banged his head during his late night, bathroom roam,

Benny sat in a wobbly, kitchen chair,

Benny noticed his table, was food bare,

Benny took a scalding, hot shower, drank a beer, and stayed home.

WEREWOLF WAITING

There was a werewolf waiting up in an oak tree,

He was waiting there for hours, just for me,

He jumped down on my head,

Made me feel half dead,

Then he took off saying, he had to go pee.

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I AWOKE FROM A COMA

I woke up from a coma, and I am nothing but bones,

I lost all of my fat and my impressive muscle tones,

I spent ten years as a pile,

Dwindling away, all of the while,

I cannot see in color, because I lost my eye cones.

THE ROCK NESTERS

I listened to the band, Rock Nesters, when I was a tween, rage boy,

They were an aging birdie band, but they sang of true love and joy,

The Rock Nesters Band, 

Toured across the land,

They should have lasted longer, but each loved their manager,

 Coy Roy.  

ZIPPY EATS TIPPY

I had a toothy, pet fish, his name was Zippy,

He was a piranha, he ate my dog Tippy,

I yelled at Zippy; he made tears,

We made kiss/nice, over some beers,

Zippy went to the head, for a Tippy rippy.

HONEY BEAR, TUESDAY FREAK

There is a big, smelly, honey bear, named Tuesday Freak,

His early a.m. podcast, is an early news peek,

He tended a left bent,

That didn't pay his rent,

Bears seek out Freaks podcast, if it's right wing news they seek.

BACKWOODS MICHIGAN HEART CLOGGING DIET LIMERICK

I love my bacon grease fried potaters,
I flavor them with garden green tomaters,
With scrambled eggs on the side,
And venison steak grilled with pride,
Such foods to my senses they caters.

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I SHOWED THE MOSS JUST WHO IS BOSS

My roof was all covered with green moss,
Some fertilizer, I gave a toss,
The moss dried up and it died,
I take belligerent pride,
In showing moss just who is the boss.

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DAVY AND THE SEAHORSE

When Davy dove under the sea,

He met a seahorse named Lee,

And, for just a dime each,

The seahorse gave rides to the beach,

The beach was where Davy went for his tea.

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SAM AND THE SPUNKY SKUNK

There was this real handsome mink, his name was Saginaw Sam,

He had luxurious fur, because Sam ate fatty ham,

Sam dropped out of banjo school,

To play professional pool,

At age three, Sam got married to a spunky skunk, named Pam.

CLYDE THE SPIDER LIMERICK

There once was a spider named Clyde,
He built spider webs with such pride,
Then, down came a great rain,
The webs went down the drain,
Now, he builds all his webs inside.

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DINNER WITH A KING

I went fishing and caught one big, beautiful, king salmon fish,

I cooked it in the oven, after I put it in a dish,

Out of the oven, the fish smelled fine,

Tasted great with cranberry, red wine,

After dinner and making merry, a nap was my first wish.

MISDEMEANOR BOB WITHOUT BAIL

Bob went to court, and a very mean judge was there,

Bob smiled real pretty, but that judge did not care,

Bob had no money for bail, 

So, he went to county jail,

They furnished Bob a jumpsuit, but no underwear.

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PUT THE GOLDFISH TO WORK

I have a big, all orange goldfish that I named Mr. Tew,

He likes working leather, that's about all Mr. Tew do,

If He passes away,

I will morn him that day,

Then I'll get goldfish Mr. Three, and he'll make stuff with glue.

COMPOST PILE FIRES HAVE CONSEQUENCES

My compost pile caught fire and burned down my garden shack,
Now when I'm done working I have no place to put tools back,
So, my tools lay in the yard,
Getting rusty, crusty hard.
And, I cannot replace them because the finances I lack.

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MY GOOGLE IS FADING AWAY

I googled my given name and what news did I find?

I found my reputation has steadily declined,

After work, washing dishes,

On the beach, near the fishes,

I'll fall asleep after drinking some cheap, homemade wine.

BALLS, PINS, RASPBERRIES AND SINS

It's a wild, wild raspberry ride,

As big bowling balls and large pins collide,

The bouncing of pins,

Is like forgiveness of sins,

A new found peace, once the bounces subside.

IN THE SHALLOWS THERE BE TURTLES

Four little fish were having such fun,
Swimming beneath the bright morning sun,
They swam in the shallows,
Which turned into a gallows,
The turtles ate every single one.

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BAD TOAD

A toad hopped upon my tablecloth, expecting to eat for free,

I had roast chicken, corn and taters, I cooked up for only me, 

On my table, I laid out my meal,

A great dinner, with an eye appeal,

I told the toad to "get"; he lifted his leg, and commenced to pee.

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THE TOAST GHOST MADE ME COAST

When for breakfast, I prepared me some toast,

It fell on the floor and became a meal ghost,

So, with no toast to fill,

My stomach went ill,

Then, all day at my job I did coast.

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WHY I'M HIDING IN THE BARN

There was a goblin in my shower,

He was nine feet tall, that goblin tower,

He was all teeth and scales,

So, I made screams and wails, 

Then, I ran to the barn where I cower. 

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BITES AND THRIFTING

I'm low on funds, so I went thriftng at a little thrift store,

I bought fancy, fashion jeans, and nifty shirts that I adore,

Next day, I had bedbugs and fleas,

Ringworm, head lice and gross, scabies,

Today I used the fire pit, burned my clothes, now I feel poor.

SNOUT PARTY

I went to Midland Michigan to buy me a pig,

A pig that would work hard, using his pig snout to dig,

I wanted truffles to eat,

Trained pigs can smell truffle meat,

With truffles and ham, my dinner party will be big.

IN SPACE, NO ONE CAN HEAR YOU SCHEME

My mind drifted, lost in space, where I could scheme,

About how I could get on the grammar school tether ball team,

I decided to replace short Paul,

By saying the ball was too tall,

I replaced Paul on the team, and realized a scheme got me my dream.

HECTOR THE WEASAL LIMERICK

Hector was a wily weasel,
He drove a truck that ran on diesel,
During a winter storm,
The diesel fuel didn’t stay warm,
Now hectors hair is on a brush for an easel.

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RITA THE CHEETAH BITES ME THEN I YELL

I went to see Mr. Goodell,
He lives in the zoo's big cat cell,
He has a pet there named Rita,
She's an African cheetah,

When she bites me, I'll let out a yell.

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THE ITSY BITSY SPIDERS, GOT WASHED AWAY

Oh, the massively big momma spider, cried,

Because all of her cute babies, drowned and died,

They all washed far away,

Got buried under clay,

Momma trusted the weatherman, but he lied.

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NO POINT COMPLAINING TO JACK

On a recent travel, I went up a mountain pass,

I rose up to the city with the towers of glass,

I got a coffee to go,

The service was slow,

I told the waiter; he yelled at me, what a jack sass.    

MY TAINTED TUNA

My tuna fish was kind of tainted,

With blue and green dots it was painted,

Although, it was my main course,

It smelled like sweat from my horse,

With the garbage the tuna was acquainted.  

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MY NEIGHBOR EATS DIGITS

Your neighbor next door down, knows,

That you have juicy fingers and toes,

As the neighbor's belly gets tight,

He'll definitely take a bite,

And back, your lost digit, never grows.

FLOWER GARDEN OR LAWN?

My tiny, sick  panzy would not grow,

My little, white lillies, they grow slow,

My roses are all dead,

Both the pink and the red,

If things don't turn around soon, I'll mow.

THE ARMY OF FOREST MONSTERS IS COMING

The evil monsters are no longer hiding in the deep woods,

They want to take my simple home, and my hard toiled for goods,

Alone, I have no choice, but to fight,

Forty to one odds are very tight,

My last thoughts are for my family; I'm joining them tonight.

PATCHES DUG HOLES LIMERICKS

Patches was a dog who liked to did holes,
He dug up frogs and mice and little ground moles,
But, on one fine day,
Patches went away some say,
When a snake made Patches part of his fat rolls.

Patches dug holes to bury his meals,
Patches dug holes to hide the kids cars, called Hot Wheels,
Patches was nice to your face,
But, he'd bury your briefcase,
Patches will bury most everything he steals.

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ALIEN TRANSFORMATION B

Look what those bad, alien Martians came and done to me,

I use to be all human, now I am all honeybee,   

They transmitted each human cell,

Into a bee body, oh, well,

I will visit pretty flowers, and make and eat honey.

DILLY DALE DIED AND WENT BOATING

Everyone knows me as Dilly Dale,

I stepped upon a two inch roofing nail,

I left a blood trail,

Started to turn pail,

And across the river Styx, I set sail.

I HAD A PIG NAMED PAUL

I had a pig named Paul,
He lived with the horses in a stall,
He wouldn't live with the pigs,
He did not like their digs,
Paul was not very piggy at all.

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BENNY COLLECTED COINS OF SILVER AND GOLD

Benny collected coins of silver and gold,
They came from the mint, authenticated, I’m told,
He should have been very rich,
But there was some sort of hitch,
The price didn’t go up, until after he sold.

Benny collected coins found out in the deep, blue sea,
The coins were from pirate treasure, as rare as can be,
But Benny had very bad fate,
For the coins were modern of date,
The oldest date Benny had, was just 2003.

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I WENT SALMON FISHING IN THE SPRING? LIMERICKS

I went salmon fishing early this spring,
I was pulled in like a real ding-a-ling,
The fish pulled me down river,
The cold gave me a shiver,
I don't know if it was a coho or king.

I went salmon fishing in the early spring,
But, salmon run in the fall and that's the thing,
I did get my wish,
I hooked a big fish,
He yanked my arm off and my gold ring.

I went salmon fishing in the spring,
I hooked onto a big log or some other big thing,
I had very bad luck,
My bait would not come unstuck,
My line broke and made a loud ping.

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A SAD BUGLE MEMORY

School is back, and I took my golden bugle to school,

I play it between classes; I'm the kid who looks cool,

But when I play sad taps,

It reminds me of paps,

And the day I found him lying face down in the pool.

I AM WHAT I ATE, SO I STAY HOME

If I were what I eat, I would be a big bow shaped noodle,

That is the food I eat, and I share it with my toy poodle,

I look like a big pimple soar,

I don't consume them, anymore,

I stay in the house, and with crayons and paper, I doodle.

MY FIRST HABOOB

I was caught in my very first major haboob,

I lost all my internet and had no YouTube,

I felt my sad heart race

When there was no MySpace,

I would have played trombone, but I had no slide lube.

THAT GNOME GAVE ME RABIES

I went to the woods to find firewood for home,
There I met a mean, nasty, evil, dumb, old gnome,
I'm not sure which was worse,
His deep bite or his curse,
I got rabies and my mouth is starting to foam.

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MY LITTLE TEKKI TORCH

My little tekki torch
I left lit on my porch,
The porch caught fire,
Results were dire,
Nothing survived the scorch.

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WHAT BILLY CAN AFFORD

All Billy can afford is noodles, rice and beans,

He has to pick some boogers, if he wants some greens,

Billy went to the great food store,

He was arrested at the door,

Billy tried stealing ham in the crotch of his jeans.

NED HAS HEAD PLUGS

It felt like the fall of mighty Rome,

When Ned lost all the hair on his dome,

At just age twenty-five,

Ned felt barely alive,

He had hair plugs, and scalp treatment foam.

BABOON DATE NIGHT

I opened up a large can of tuna,

I shared it with my cute baboona,

We climbed some trees,

Chewed on some leaves,

We held hands, and stared at the moona.

SUZIE THE SNAPPING TURTLE DID ME IN

There was a snapping turtle named Suzie,
She thought that she would pull a real doosey,
She bit a hole in my wood boat,
Then my boat would not float,
Drowning made me feel really oozey,

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TED THE DISGUSTING, LIVES ALONE

The yellowed pillows smelled real nasty, of sweat and decay,

They wreaked of old urine, and had a brown, fecal display,

Although,  divorced from his spouse,

Ted was proud of his house,

He lived alone there for years, in a non-hygienic way. 

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SQUIRREL OBLIGATIONS (THE NUT)

The little squirrel had a nut that had grown, so very big,

He had to cut off his cable, and his bad habit, the cig,

He didn't buy new shoes,

And, swore off the booze,

He took overtime at his day job, and looked for a side gig.

ME AND MY MATHS

I really hate doing all of my college prep, maths,

More than taking early morning, cold showers, and baths,

My teach, she grades real hard, so mean,

Reports each mistake, to the dean,

Now, dean's charted me some custodial career paths.

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THE BUGS THAT ATE SAMMY FOR S'MORES

Sammy went to the beach and got covered with soars,

The bugs liked him so much, because he tasted like s'mores,

From New Years Eve till that date,

S'mores was all Sammy ate,

And, the taste sweat out through all his pores.

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BREAKFAST OF THE BLUEBERRY LOSER

My fresh blueberries, they all ran away,

I had saved them for my cereal day,

My cereal tastes like straw,

And someone's chewed chaw,

And it's gritty, and chews just like hard clay.

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MY BELLY AILS FROM FISH BONES AND SCALES

I went ice fishing and caught 3 tiny fish,
I was hungry so I made a Pattie dish,
I left in the bones and on the scales,
The Pattie gave my belly ails,
I should have stayed home, that's what I wish.

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THE SONG OF INDIANA

I went over to Indiana, to sing my gramma nana song,

It's about life in the dark heart, hinterland, and stabbing with a prong,

You see, nana jumped her bail,

Yes, dear nana is a fail,

Now she is back in prison, but won't admit, ax murdering is wrong.

KABOOM JACK IS BACK IN SPIRIT.

Jack was in a real dark room, and smelled foul gas, greatly leaking,

Jack decided to light up a match, to go gas leak seeking,

Jack lit up the room,

KABOOMADY BOOM! 

Now at a weekly seance, through mediums, Jack is speaking.

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