THE PENGUIN AIN'T NO FRIEND OF MINE

There once was a penguin, his name was Charlie,

He wasn't my friend, he stole my Harley,

He stole my babe too,

On my porch, thru poo,

He brews nasty beer, too cheap to buy barley.

THE HALLOWEEN GHOST-FISH

I ate for dinner a Halloween ghost-fish,

It had flavor, but it had no nutrish,

Although, it tasted like salmon,

It did not ease my famine,

But, my cat still licked clean my fish dish.

SONNY DUG MARS

Old Sonny went to mars to dig in the soil,

Everyone called him a crazy old moil,

But he found in his ditch,

The stuff that makes all men rich,

His ditch filled up with grade A crude oil.

CRAZY BENNY WENT DEEP INTO SPACE

Crazy Benny went into deep space,
He went there to save the whole human race,
When he met an alien he said, "check your shoelace",
Then Benny would spray him with his alien mace,

One day Benny met an alien with eyes all over his head,
Benny ran out of mace, then his mind filled with dread,
Then the alien shook hands and said, "My name is Fred,
Why do humans have such fear that you all wet to bed?"

Benny and the aliens became friends really fast,
They buried disagreements deep into the past,
Benny signed trade agreements that would clearly last,
In this new galaxy cheap labor numbers were vast.

THE SHINY, PRETTY THING I KILLED

I observed a shinny, pretty flower,

I feared a big, ugly bug might devour,

So I got some bug spray,

And, I sprayed away,

The flower was dead, within an hour.

THE LITTLE GREEN WARLOCK STAIRS

A little green warlock, lived at the top of my stairs,

He refused to go outside, because of the big bears,

I said just cast a spell,

Send the bears off to dwell,

To a land where there's plenty of fish, honey, and pears.

THIS IS MY MOMMY'S HOUSE, SO GET LOST

I kicked them completely, out of my mommy's house,

They made bad choices, so I decided to un-spouse,

It was a cold rainy day,

In the third week of May,

They got stinking drunk, and puked all over my blouse. 

BARRY THE BLUE BOOMERANG WENT WHERE

Barry the blue boomerang, flew fast through the hot air,

He'd fly out just so far, then headed back to one square,

Then along came a strong breeze, 

A bit of a steering tease,

That turned into a tornado, and Barry went where?

THE OLD LADY, THE KIDS, THE SHOE AND THE WARLOCK

There was a little green warlock, and he owned a small shoe,

He rented it to an old lady with kids, quite a few,

The kids had some great fun,

By the time they were done,

The shoe was destroyed, and the little warlock had to sue.

THE LITTLE GREEN WARLOCK HUNTED THE BEAST

A little green warlock knocked on my front door,

He said he was part of the green warlock lore,

He said he was hunting a beast,

For the a Halloween feast,

He told me to drive him to the butcher store.

MY LAGOON PONTOON

I decided to navigate some lagoons,

So, on my new sports car I rigged some pontoons,

The plan was going my way,

Until, I got to a bay,

I found that the bottom was formed like sand dunes.

THE MOUSE KNOWS FOOD

Count the mice that run around in each diner,

The one with the most mice, that is the finer,

The preferred mouse place to eat,

Has food that cannot be beat,

If you do not like mice, then you're a whiner.

CANNED NUTS AND BLEEDING GUMS

I was chewing on some canned nuts, but my teeth got bleeding soar,

I stoped eating the canned nuts, but I did pine for many more,

Well, I mouth rinsed away the blood,

Toothpicked out some other crud,

I opened some almond butter, now I'll feast until I snore.

THERE WAS A NASTY MAN

There was a nasty man, he was so really mean,

He'd spit tobacco chaw on his only friend, Dean,

But, Dean developed a master plan,

He took nasty man to dentist, Dan,

Nasty man got nice, once his dentures felt real clean.

THE LITTLE GREEN WARLOCK

There was a little green warlock, living in an oak tree,

He was always placing mean spells, upon my mates and me,

One day he chanced to come inside,

The little bar, where we have pride,

He then beat us all at darts, for a dart player was he.

BARRY THE VAMPIRE LIKED AN ICE CREAM CONE

Barry the vampire liked an ice cream cone,
But, dairy allergies gave him a funny skin tone,
He turned really grass green,
Vampires thought him unclean,
Now, he is sucking down blood all alone.

PEOPLE WHO DON'T USE TOILET PAPER, GET THEIR OWN OFFICE

Jumbo couldn't find the toilet paper, so he went back to bed,

He figured if a day starts nasty, the day was full of dread,

At noon, Jumbo got a call,

From his workmate, named Paul,

It seems, Jumbo the great slacker, was made the department head.

THE STOCK MARKET CRASHES WHILE I EAT CORN BEEFY HASHES

When the stock market started to crash,

I opened a can of corn beefy hash,

I ate my troubles away,

Until, the end of today,

Then, I ran out of my corn beefy stash.

LONELY MORRIS, THE MUSICAL ELF

When Morris ate beans, it made him toot,

Sometimes a 29 gun salute,

Morris was Santa's Elf,

Painted toys by himself,

He retired a lonely old coot.

BIG UGLY DUMB GATOR TOOK MY BOOKS

Big Ugly Gator took my books, and burned them all,

Gator burned my coloring books, that made me bawl,

He then gave me a book,

On how pork, I should cook,

Big Ugly Dumb Gator has some real nasty gall.

BOUNCED PEACHES

I bought some peaches at the store,
My son bounced them on the floor,
"The peaches didn't bounce,"
My son would announce,
So, I fixed him peach cobbler at four.

KNEE KNOCKERS, BB BALLS AND GNOMES

My statues have some limitations; they stand only 2 feet tall,

When I knock them over, they break, then they are not statues at all,

I don't mind breaking garden gnomes,

Not crazy for their chromosomes,

Then my nephew destroys all the rest, firing his BB ball.

VINCENT ATE SOME JELLY

Vincent the hound dog, found a torpedo by the blue lake,

It was being consumed, by a massive green water snake,

It exploded his belly,

And spread out his snake jelly,

Vincent ate so much jelly, he got a bad tummy ache.

HALLOWEENS AND BEANS

I went to the market to get me some leafy greens,

But, they only had orange, because it was Halloweens,

Yet, it's greens that I need,

So, someone gave me a weed,

They said, weeds taste really good with cured salt pork and beans.

BAD LUCK BROKEN MIRROR LIMERICK AND HAIKU

I broke a mirror now my luck is bad,
My car's in the ditch and it's looking sad,
I can't pay my rent,
To the street I've been sent,
I guess I'll move in with my mom and my dad.

Mirror broke, bad luck,
Car wrecked, lost job,rent due,
Duct tape fix, feel safe.

THE BEAR AND THE DINOSAUR EGG

I went into the deep, dark woods, and found a big dinosaur leg,

It was attached to a dinosaur, sitting on top of an egg,

The dinosaur was not hairy,

So, it was not very scary,

If it had been a hairy bear, then for my life I'd have to beg.

KINDERBEAN ON HALLOWEEN

Kinderbean was a leprechaun,
Upon Halloweeners he'd prey upon,
If you set down your candy bag,
He'd steal it as a gag,
But, he was caught and now he's a con.

I GOT MY PHONE AND MY FREEDOM, NOW ALL I NEED IS LOVE

It was the first day of October month, and my true love says to me,

"Go out and get a job today, or I am smashing your color tv,"

I did not like the mean tone,

Since, the tv is my phone,

So, now I live roofless on the streets,  but from my boyfriend, I am free.

AT WORK I TAPER OFF

Everyday I go to my terrible job,
Where the boss treats me like I'm a dumb slob,
And although you might scoff,
At work I taper off,
With each day a few hours I rob.

MY KITTY CAT

My kitty cat is a nasty yellow cur,
At me he hisses, but with others he’ll purr,
He really hates the hand that feeds,
He scratches me for fulfilling his needs,
I hope he chokes on his ball of yellow fur.

PETE THE OGRE PROTECTED HIS STASH

Pete the ogre had a stash,
He had some silver coins and a bag full of cash,
When a thief would sneak round,
The ogre made a hideously loud sound,
The thief would run off with a whiplash.

THE HARVEST MOON CHANGES PETER INTO A BIG RIGGER

The Harvest Moon rose, and was so very bright, and super big,

Pete was blinded and could not do homework, for his class in trig,

Well, Pete rested a slight spell,

On failing trig, Pete did dwell,

So, Pete chose to drop out of college, now he drives a big rig.

A LEPRECHAUN NAMED SUE LIMERICK

There was a leprechaun named Sue,
Her hair was red, her eyes were blue,
A man from the city,
Thought she was real pretty,
They married and moved to Peru.

THE BIGFOOT IN THE TIMBERED AISLES

Deep within the timbered aisles,

Lies the Bigfoot with his wiles,

Look all you want,

He's unseen and will taunt,

Leaving his hair, prints and piles.
 

I WENT QUEENING

I went to Kalkaska, to visit the queen,

She was not there, but she left her trampoline,

I did a  jumpity jumped,

Until the ceiling I bumped,

I bumped so hard, my DNA lost a gene.

THE FALCON-CHICKEN STORY

There was a falcon big and true,
He watched Jimbo's chickens from a tree limb view,
Jimbo had a rooster, chick and hen,
In a topless chicken pen,
Now, the roster's gone and Jimbo's chickens number two.

I WONT EAT THE BABY FROGS

I ate all my protein fresh, frozen and canned,

Then, I spied them through my window asleep on the sand,

They weren't corn dogs,

They were just baby frogs,

They were cute so hence, frog meat is banned.

POOR TODD OF TOOTVILLE

Poor Todd of Tootville City,

His tooter plugged and he received no pity,

In the band Todd's horn didn't toot,

So, he received the boot,

Now, he's famous because of this ditty.

BIG MEAN SISTER SHOULD BE NICER

My meanest, biggest sister pushed toward the door,

Stumbling, I slipped and slapped my face on the floor,

It made such a mess,

Bloodied my new dress,

I won't make you sick, with the rest of the gore.

HEXED IN SPACE

Leon went and bought some blue birdie, hard sugar candy,

Using money he got from the hot lands where it's sandy,

Leon was afraid of a Halloween hex,

So he launched his spaceship toward red planet X,

But, Leon's hex played in his head, "Yankee Doodle Dandy".

THE LITTLE SQUIRT DIDN'T MAKE IT TO MARS

Leon came to see me, but I didn't say a single word,

I saw 4 people walk past him, and each gave him the bird,

I knew his feelings were badly hurt,

He lost his rocket, called little squirt,

His rocket was unpopular, and he thought that absurd.

THE PHAMPHLETEERS

They hand out Pamphlets all day and all night,

About finding bedbugs, and treating their bite,

The greatest bedbug fears,

Are those brave phamfleteers,

That's why bedbugs keep hiding, just out of sight.

DENNY PAINTED POTS

Denny the pot painter was famous in these parts,

His purple painted pots, won the pot critics hearts,

He was a great painter,

Of the pot container,

For extra money, he would clean grocery carts.

THE PAINTER OF DOORS

There was a girl named Goldie Brown,

Her hair was red, like Bozo The Clown,

She slept and ate meals,

In her Ford four wheels,

Painting doors, as she drove town to town.

 

THE CARROT FARMER GOES NUTS

After creepy Mitch harvested all of his carrots,

He found no room in the house, for two squawking parrots,

Mitch left the parrots outside,

The parrots both froze and died,

Mitch dined on parrot pie, with his two silent ferrets.

ROADS DIVERGE BUT THE CHOICE MATTERS NOT

Two roads went different ways in the deep, dark woods,
I was returning home late with my grocery dry-goods, 
Down one road a bear growled,
Down the other a wolf howled,
So, I ran away as fast as I coulds.

WOODENPECKERS AND TERMITES

I found a pile of termite turds,

I was quite unnerved, a loss for words,

I used some termite spray,

Termites, went went away,

Now, I'm troubled by peckerwood birds.

HUNTING WITHOUT A LICENSE LIMERICK

At hunting camp we hunted for ducks,
But, the license costs really big bucks,
So, what could we loose?
If violating we choose,
Now, we’re in jail and that really sucks.

MY BLUE SEA-HORSEY FRIEND

My blue sea-horsey was not true,

He was more gray than he was blue,

But, I gave no spanking,

With a friendship down-ranking,

Still best friends no matter species or hue. 

TOILET PAPER VERSUS RINSING.

When the restaurant ran out of toilet paper, everyone rinsed in the sink,

When the sink was full and smelly, they used the fountain where we all use to drink,

I had one can of spray,

It did not last all day,

The health department wrote sixty citations, and used up ten pens of red ink.

I SUE OVER APPLE WARTS

I found a wart on my apple, while drinking homemade port,

So, I thought I'd take the apple maker, to small claims court,

The apple maker was a tree,

He apologized to me,

He said usually warts on apples, are found when we sort.

GOLDILOCKS AND THE THREE BEDS

Goldilocks went to a hotel, and rented a bedroom, with a bed,

But, she couldn't sleep on it, because the pillow hurt her head,

She asked, and got another room,

Fine bed, but next door was a boxed boom,

Next room, nice bed, but she had to share with a hoodie, some called, Red. 

REGARDING TUNA FISH

Regarding tuna fish, I was it's biggest fan,
Until yesterday, when I opened up a can,
It was just fins and bones,
And scales of all tones,
Maybe, I shouldn't buy the cheaper store brand.

BEWARE OF SPACEMEN WITH PYRAMIDS

A space-man built a pyramid ship in the middle of my backyard,

Then, he told me to stay away from it, and he posted a robot guard,

But, when the robot had to recharge I snuck inside the ship,

Inside, I found a swimming pool, and so I took a dip,

And, while I took a swim, the space-man stole my credit card. 

ODE TO THE BOVINE

It was a nice and sunny day,

So I went outside to play,

Found some cows and gave them hay,

They said, "get lost...", and I obey,

At night, inside the house I stay,

THE ZOMBIE IN THE APPLE TREE II

There was a big zombie sitting in my apple tree,

Now, he is terrorising glass jars, in my pantry,

He's eating all the canned pears,

And, those canned diced, carrot squares,

I no longer need the stores, he ate my family.

A ZOMBIE IN MY APPLE TREE

There was a zombie sitting in my apple tree,

Chewing on the bones of my little collie,

I called him a brat,

Told him to scat,

He just kept chewing, and looked funny at me.

MICHIGAN ZOMBIE RUNS

In Michigan the zombies all carry guns,

They smell really bad, and don't understand puns,

Like all zombies, they bite,

With no teeth, they bite lite,

And, their cheap beer gives the zombies the runs.

PUT THE SQUEEZE ON TOOTH PASTE TUBE

I think that it is a tremendous waste,
Because I can't squeeze out all of my tooth paste,
The tube is so long,
And I am not strong,
Time is short, I'll open a new tube with haste.

THE URBAN DICTIONARY AND MY DRINKING

The urban dictionary, I dunno,

The words infest my brain, then start to grow,

I went to my old pub,

Now, labeled a hub,

They're still asking for the tab that I owe.