EMBEZZLEMENT SHOT THE SHERIFF JOB DOWN

I'm running for sheriff and I think I already lost,

I got arrested seven times and I'm sure that'll cost,

As an accountant I get no thanks,

I've been embezzling banks,

My trial starts in spring and will end before last frost.

WHAT DREAD, IT'S GOING TO BE MONDAY SOON

Every single Sunday,

I dread the next day, called Monday,

I can't sit home,

Relax my dome,

Watching TV wearing just my undie.

HAPPY GUY FAWKES DAY, UNLESS YOU'RE MADAM POLLY

Today I took a walk with my ugliest big dolly,

I got her at age two, and named her Madam Polly,

I took her to the glen,

With her doll friends Mike and Ben,

It was November five, Polly paid for Guy's big folly.

I RESPECT THE COWS

I love cows because from them comes cheese,🧀💓

Cows make my milk and scent my breeze,🍶💩👃

Ode to the farm,🐖🐎🦃🐔🐓😳

May the cows know no harm,🐮

Except for the hind quarter, I freeze.🐄🍔

THE CHEESECAKE LIMERICK

As I was smoking on my fresh bought greens,

I decided to open some canned beans,

And found in them a snake,

Eating caramel cheesecake,

I had none, cause that's not where my diet leans.

MIKE THE TURKEY WILL BE EATEN

Mike the turkey went to higher ground,

Where he thought his safety sound,

But hunter Pete,

Wanted turkey meat,

And got poor Mike with just one round.

MY GREAT EXPECTATIONS

I was born having great expectations,

Alas, they stayed only aspirations,

For when I grew up,

It took all my coin just to sup,

In mom's basement, smoking my medications.

BENNY AND HIS UNIVERSE AND PIE

Benny has a great big tree,
Where he sits up in the sky,
Eating his potato chips,
And, eating apple-pumpkin pie,

Benny ponders on the universe,
While filling up his face,
And, wishes for a soda pop,
To fill his existential place.

WHY I CAN'T HUNT NO MORE

I went out hunting bear,
The bear went out hunting me,
I dropped my gun and went on the run,
But the bear beat me to my RV,

I went out hunting deer,
I shot at an enormous buck,
I missed and hit a little doe,
My fine could have bought truck,

I went out hunting turkeys,
But I did not see a one,
I accidentally shot my neighbors goose,

Then a judge said my hunting was done.

MY HALLOWEEN PUMPKIN SPICE CAKE

The only way I'll make a cake,🍩

Is if it's fried; I never bake.💥

I'll include a pinch of pumpkin spice,🎃

It's Halloween, it will taste nice,👻💩

Then, I'll serve it with fried eggs and stake.🐔🐮

THERE WAS NOTHING BUT METHANE ON PLANET D

There was nothing but methane on old planet "D",

Then, I lit up my cigar and the planet went "B",
Oh what a day,
It blew me away,
Now, I'm flying at light speed by old planet "Z".

HALLOWEEN CANDY FOR MONSTERS

I never knew a zombie who didn't like brains packed in his lunch,

I never knew a vampire who didn't like blood in his blood punch,

I never knew a witch who didn't munch on bat,

Or, a ghoul who didn't snack on the corpse of a rat,

I never knew a werewolf who did not like to make bones crunch. 

THE DEMON DOG AND THE WEREWOLVES

When you go out trick or treating, 

That's when werewolves will be eating,

But a demon dog,

Who eats like a hog,

On werewolves he be feeding.

WHY DREAM OF MARS

Celine looked out the window at cars,
While dreaming of moving to mars,
But, mars is all gravel and rocks,
With sundial tic-tocs,
And, all there dream of moving to stars. 

SOME SAY MY HOUSE IS HAUNTED

Someone said that when I go sleepy,
Then my house looks really creepy,
It creeks and cracks,
It coughs and hacks,
It cries like it is weepy.

THE MEAN MARTIAN FOUND ME ON HALLOWEEN LIMERICK

I decided to hide all night, Halloween,

Witches, vampires, werewolves are just not my seen,

Then, down from the sky,

A martian dropped by,

And, bit me because he was mean.

FARE THEE WELL MY PUMPKIN PATCH

Fare thee well my Pumpkin Patch,

May you  grow pumpkins that I might hatch,

So that I might take the seeds,

For on such yields my family feeds,

And, some seeds to sow next season's batch. 

CHICKENS DON'T GO TO HEAVEN LIMERICK

Chickens don't go to heaven when they die,
Sometimes they are roasted but, most often they fry,
Though cleaning chickens may sicken,
Fried outsides are finger-lickin'
And, the innards make a tasty pot pie.

DEMON DAZE AT THE GROCERY STORE

100 hungry demons came storming through my door,

They ate my pets and family, still they wanted more,

I know demons are really bad,

But I couldn't see them looking sad,

So I gave them lots of money and sent them to the grocery store.

I WINTER IN MICHIGAN LIMERICK

In winter out in Michigan's deep pine woods,
I've lived mostly on canned beans and a lot of dry goods,
I've lived in just shacks and old trailers,
With secondhand shops for tailors,
And, ate deserts of dried berries and puds.

I WAS DISARMED BY A HUNGRY ZOMBIE

A zombie who had no charm,

Bit off my pretty right arm,

Then after he fed,

He walked away with the dead,

I reincarnated as a pig on a farm.🐖

HO, HO, HO AND IT'S TIME TO SNOW

Such dreaded heat I can't remember,

I'm using air conditioning in late September,

But soon, ho, ho, ho,

We'll be covered with snow,

In late October or early November. 

SEPTEMBER FULL MOON LIMERICK

The full moon brings September woe,
We will be soon consumed by rain then snow,
The snow won't go away,
Until April it will stay,🏂
Winter misery is all that we'll know.⛄⛄⛄

MY UNREQUITED LOVE

My unrequited love,

I know you go on to the world of lovers where I will not be,

Still, in my heart I imagine you stay here with me,

And, great joy and happiness we find together,

On a ship in space in the distant future,

We share our lives for an eternity,

Joyous with all the amenities of this world,

And, of the tunes, tones and entertainments,

That exhaust all thoughts of boredom,

To this world I will imagine you and I,

Until my human thoughts all die.

HAMMERHEAD SHARK IN A LAKE MICHIGAN BAY

A hammerhead shark was spotted today,
They are seldom seen out in Grand Traverse Bay,
But, this shark was at ease,
Riding around on jet skis,
And, he only scared seagulls away.

JUNE BUFFOON

This is a strawberry June,

A world where normal is the buffoon

Where truth dies on the spot,

Between what is real and is not,

Guess, I'll see you soon.

JENNY AND THE FULL MOON MONSTERS

Jenny went out alone to see the moon,
It was full and round like a big balloon,
But, she forgot to beware,
For the werewolves were there,
Now, Jenny sings an angelic tune.

Jenny found monsters,
Under the full moon,
They weren't there for play,
They weren't there to spoon,

They ate her that night,
Many locals will say,
Beneath the moon big and bright,
Until the break of the day,

The werewolves scarfed down Jenny's bones,
Then, filled the night with werewolf tones,
No trace of Jenny was amongst the stones,
Except, for her purse and two broken cell phones.

ON HALLOWEEN A WITCH FLEW HER BROOM-Limerick

On Halloween a witch flew her broom,
She flew really low and went Zoom!!!
She hit a rock,
It cleaned her clock,
Her broom then blew up and went Boom!!!

SANTA BOUGHT A HOUSE IN PALM SPRINGS

Santa bought a winter house in Palm Springs,
He went there when he was done with  Santa things,
At the club he dressed so debonair,
He looked well with money to spare,
For he pawned his wife’s gold bracelets and rings.

FLAT WORM INVASION

There was a flat worm named Jimmy,

And in Robert's tummy, he'd shimmy,

Jim's babies made Robert unwell,

The babies Robert did expel,

The babies found a home in big Timmy.

THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND ME

What if the universe runs out of time,
Can I still eat my beef that is labeled as prime?
Can I admire my gardens of veggies and flowers?
Or, nip away at cheap whisky I flavor with sours?
When the universe ends for all these things I will pine,
So, I'll now increase consumption then, at the end I won't whine.

PATCHES DUG HOLES LIMERICKS

Patches was a dog who liked to did holes,
He dug up frogs and mice and little ground moles,
But, on one fine day,
Patches went away some say,
When a snake made Patches part of his fat rolls.

Patches dug holes to burry his meals,
Patches dug holes to hide the kids cars called Hot Wheels,
Patches was nice to your face,
But, he'd burry your briefcase,
Patches will burry most everything he steals.

THE HALLOWEEN BOO MALT

I put pepper and salt,

In my Halloween malt,

And a dash of sweet pumpkin too,

Along with spider eyes,

And little fat flies,

Makes you ready to burp out a "Boo!".

LEPRECHAUN LIMERICK

LEPRECHAUNS

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he’d eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

THE PSYCHIC POWERS OF GRAPE JUICE

There was a psychic named Dottie Mapes,
She got her powers from the vine of grapes,
When she indulged she'd see such shapes,
Some were human and some were apes,

Sometimes her visions were just plain silly,
Like the monkey she saw named Colonel Willy,
He appeared wearing a Confederate hat,
He had a corn cob pipe and a baseball bat,

Willie liked to play checkers 'till morning,
Like most ghosts he'd be gone with no warning,
Grape juice, it seems, is not good for MS Mapes,
She'd best stick with juice not made out of grapes.

PP10152022

HALLOWEEN MOON LIMERICK

Rachel played on her bassoon,

Rick spit into his spittoon,

Dick, Dave and Fred,

Danced the dance of the dead,

All, under an All Hallow's Day moon. 

I WENT TO VISIT THE BIG STATE FAIR

I went to the visit the big state fair,
Lots of big cows and fat piggys were there,
The chickens looked lean,
The goats were just mean,
The sheep all had mange and no hair.

THE FALL OF MY SUMMER

My woods is dying,

My eyes are crying,

Winter's here,

Warm days are dear,

And snowflakes will be flying.

THE BELL TOLLS FOR MY GOLDFISHES

My mom told me to clean my goldfish bowl,
I ignored her and left them smelly in their hole,
Mom got mad as a badly bugged bee,
So, in the birdbath set my fish free,
A robin made my fishes bell toll.

THE TORTOISE AND THE ECLAIR

There once was a tortoise who ate only eclairs,

The tortoise laid 3 eggs and from the 3 eggs came 3 bears,

Then there was the bird,

That nobody heard,

The bird got straight A's in school, but nobody cared.

THE DEMON DOG ATE ME AND MY HOG

He was a demon dog,

Who went and ate my hog,

Then he bit me,

I spilled my tea,

Then my dying brain was a fog.

THE HALLOWEEN DESERT LIMERICK

When my Halloween pumpkin started to smoke,

I put out the fire with my Coke,

With a fork, gave Pumpky a little poke,

Hoped no curse, he will invoke,

Now he's a pie, and that's no joke.

UNHAPPY HALLOWEEN

On every Halloween,

Most ghosts get really mean,

They want only candy, not hugs

They behave like real thugs,

And vampires, they're a worse scene. 

ALL I HAD

All I had was a bottle of glue,

Some tuna that had turned green and blue,

Some bug that had warts,

Little twigs of all sorts,

And that's what's in your supper stew.

BEWARE THE HUNGRY BEAR HAIKU

Beware, hungry bears,
People taste just like chicken,
A real treat for bears.

MY COOKIES SMELL

My cookies are tasting real funky,

And their smell, reminds me of skunky,

Of course the cookies I'll eat,

For my afternoon treat,

I'll just give them a deep coffee dunky.

WARPY, WARPY TIME MACHINE

Warpy, Warpy time machine,

Warp me to a place where I can clean,

Warp me not to a place of power,

Just warp to a place I can shower,

Warping makes one all guey-green

DINNER FOR ONE (When A Loner Eats Alone)

The meat from the can was supposed to be pork,

But, it was real chewy and tasted like cork,

So, I took a glug of my drink,

Which made my gums bleed and eyes blink,

And, the meat ran away with my fork.

JENNY FAKED CAKE

Jenny said she'd bake a scratch cake,

But, it came from a box and thus was a fake,

The frosting came from a can,

What a big fake cake plan,

And, her bragging was more than I could just take.
 

THE HALLOWEEN LEPRECHAUN LIMERICK

An evil leprechaun named Kinderbean,
Went trick and treating each Halloween,
He would steal candy bars,
He'd soap up windshields on cars,
And, in many more ways he was mean.

BARKLEY THE BUFFALO

Barkley was a buffalo,
He lived in Manistee,
And, everywhere that Barkley went,
He showed hostility,

Barkley tore up every bar,
He trampled people on the beach,
He showed road rage in his car,
His mind you could not reach,

Finally, they had to put Barkley down,
He was too dangerous and mean,
So, they chopped him up and made ground round,
Buffalo burger is really lean.

MY TIME MACHINE BROKE DOWN III

My time machine broke down in the time of Ganges Khan,
It was a time where brains had no standing against brawn,
Khan was vicious and not real nice,
He spread plague infected lice,
I brought some back but, they escaped into my lawn.

All Alone Turkish March by Mozart

Lyrics by Leigh Collin Brandt, draft

All Alone I just sit in darkness, thinking all about you,

Like a stone, my heart is sinking for I dread a life alone,

In my head, I wish I'd not let you know that I could doubt you,

And I fear for all the things I said that I cannot atone, 

Still I know that I saw you kiss him with romantic passion,

And I felt as you embraced him you were pushing me away,

It made me feel like a habit that has fallen out of fashion,

Yet I still wish you'd return to me, when this night turns into day,

All alone I know I'll be sitting, as this darkness lasts forever,

No point in going out into a world that's grown ugly, cold

And my phone will lie lifeless, for it hears your sweet voice, never,

Only fading thoughts of yesterday, is the love I tightly hold.

10222

THERE WAS A SOUSE WITH A CAN OF BEANS OR, MY BROTHER TED

There was a souse with a can of beans,
My eldest brother Ted was his name,
He can do what he wants so long as the floor he cleans,
If he doesn’t then I’ll surely get the blame,

Ted is moving real slow because he was out all night,
I could punch him in the nose and he wouldn’t feel a thing,
I bet he’ll wander off as soon as I’m out of sight,
He’ll go to the bar where he can karaoke sing,

So mother’s tell your little devil child,
Not to do what Ted has done,
Ted just won’t grow up and forget being wild,
A guy like Ted is a terrible son.

SNAKES IN A TRAILER

Everyone knows the tale of old Ben Taylor,
For he had snakes inside his trailer,
There were menacing snakes of every type,
They all crawled in by his water pipe,

Ben was lying on his couch,
Beside his pipe and tobacco pouch,
The snakes surrounded him on the floor,
And, blocked his exit out the door,

It was time old Benny had to pay,
For he was a snake hunter in his day,
All over the earth he hunted the reptile,
He killed thousands with his guile,

The rattlesnake bit Benny on the knee,
The mamba bit his eyes so Benny couldn't see,
The cobra bit Benny as he struggled for the door,
The python gobbled Benny up when he fell on the floor,

The whole trailer was searched with hoes and with rakes,
But, no one ever found those nasty, nasty snakes,
Some say this story is nothing more than hype,
But, someone saw a cobra smoking old Benny's pipe.

TIGHTS ON A PIER

I went to the club and danced under the lights,

My eyes got all red, and everything was all brights,

I met someone dear,

We took a walk on the pier,

We found romance and got tights.

MY TETHER BALL IS STOLE

Someone stole my tether ball and left me just the string,

Now what am I supposed to do with just that stringy thing?

Do I play with it with passion?

Do I match cloths with it for fashion?

Maybe I'll buy a new tether ball, but I'll have to sell some bling.

THE EARLY CHRISTMAS TREE

I decided to get my Christmas tree early,

Because by Christmas they'll all be gone, surely,

I cut it down in the woods,

And against my outhouse it stoods,

But it lost the needles when the fall winds went whirly.

UNEMPLOYED AGAIN

I went to the boss over our earnings disparity,

He told me he didn't run a communist charity,

He said because I voiced a dislike,

I should go take a hike,

For complainers employed was a rarity.

I AM LEVER MAN

I gave the planet called world, a tremendous gift,

I invented the lever, now the world has some lift,

Now we can teeter and totter,

And drink lemon-lime water,

Until we're frozen and buried, in a real deep snow drift.