Now I have two peppers growing,
I hope they're ripe before the snowing,
The northern fall,
Brings death to all,
But, at least an end to constant hoeing.
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Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Monday, September 1, 2014
THE LABOR DAY LIMERICK FOR ME
On Labor Day I don't like to work,
Being unemployed gives me that perk,
And, who wants the money,
When the day is so sunny,
Besides, the pay is so low for a clerk.
Being unemployed gives me that perk,
And, who wants the money,
When the day is so sunny,
Besides, the pay is so low for a clerk.
Thursday, August 21, 2014
HOW TO ATTRACT A SEAGULL WHILE SKIING
I took my goldfish water skiing,
He enjoyed oohing and also, weeing,
He was of course heard,
By a big seagull bird,
So much for his well-being.
Friday, July 4, 2014
I WENT FISHING ON THE FORTH OF JULY
I went fishing on the Forth Of July,
I forgot my bobber so I fished with a fly,
I didn't catch a bass hog,
Just a floating pine log,
With a branch that stuck me in my right eye.
I forgot my bobber so I fished with a fly,
I didn't catch a bass hog,
Just a floating pine log,
With a branch that stuck me in my right eye.
Thursday, July 3, 2014
COLLEGE DEBT LIMERICK II
Jimmy thought education was king,
He was sure great riches it'd bring,
But, after eight years of college,
And vast quantities of knowledge,
His pockets are empty of bling.
He was sure great riches it'd bring,
But, after eight years of college,
And vast quantities of knowledge,
His pockets are empty of bling.
Thursday, June 26, 2014
HOW DO FISH GET WATER OUT OF THEIR EARS
How do fish get water out of their ears,
If I’m a fish that’d be one of my big fears,
Maybe that’s why fish dart to and fro,
And, up and down don’t you know,
Erratic behavior, until their condition clears.
If I’m a fish that’d be one of my big fears,
Maybe that’s why fish dart to and fro,
And, up and down don’t you know,
Erratic behavior, until their condition clears.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
CHICKEN CAM HAM
There once was a chicken named Cam,
She laid eggs that were all full of ham,
But, the pigs on the farm,
Said ham-eggs did them harm,
So, Cam laid eggs full of blueberry jam.
She laid eggs that were all full of ham,
But, the pigs on the farm,
Said ham-eggs did them harm,
So, Cam laid eggs full of blueberry jam.
Wednesday, June 4, 2014
I MADE CORNMEAL BISCUITS LIMERICK
I made some biscuits with cornmeal,
I used half the cornmeal so, what's the deal,
But, my family said "NO!,"
My biscuits had to go,
Thus, my baked goods have little appeal.
I used half the cornmeal so, what's the deal,
But, my family said "NO!,"
My biscuits had to go,
Thus, my baked goods have little appeal.
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
RHUBARB WINE OR RUM
Rhubarb limericks should be spoke without a horn or a drum,
The melodious phrases should be why the curious come,
The story of rhubarb wine has been debugged,
The wine is undrinkable unless quickly chugged,
Rhubarb wine just can't compare to spiced rum.
The melodious phrases should be why the curious come,
The story of rhubarb wine has been debugged,
The wine is undrinkable unless quickly chugged,
Rhubarb wine just can't compare to spiced rum.
Saturday, March 22, 2014
I MARRIED A NINJA NAMED ROSE
I married a ninja named rose,
In various positions she’d pose,
I checked out a girl named Clare,
And, to my demise and despair,
I found out how far Rosey throws.
In various positions she’d pose,
I checked out a girl named Clare,
And, to my demise and despair,
I found out how far Rosey throws.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
THE IDES OF MARCH COME ONCE AGAIN
The Ides of March come once again,
My stored foods have gone bad, there's nothing for din,
My apples are soggy,
My canned foods are all foggy,
My taters sprout out of their bin.
Friday, March 14, 2014
THE KING OF COLORS
Sunday, March 9, 2014
LARRY AND THE RAT TRAP
A rodent named Larry sure liked his cheese,
He had no manners and never said please,
He saw a really big chunk,
Just started eating, “Kerplunk!”
The rat trap got old Larry with ease.
He had no manners and never said please,
He saw a really big chunk,
Just started eating, “Kerplunk!”
The rat trap got old Larry with ease.
Saturday, March 1, 2014
JIM THE RATTLESNAKE
There was a rattlesnake named Jim,
He would bite you on a whim,
But, along came a bear,
That Jim did not scare,
Now in heaven Jim hisses his hymn.
Jim the rattlesnake was awfully mean,
He bit everything that he had seen,
But, from above,
Jim fell in love,
With a rattlesnake named Darlene.
He would bite you on a whim,
But, along came a bear,
That Jim did not scare,
Now in heaven Jim hisses his hymn.
Jim the rattlesnake was awfully mean,
He bit everything that he had seen,
But, from above,
Jim fell in love,
With a rattlesnake named Darlene.
Friday, February 28, 2014
THE LAST DAY IN FEBRUARY LIMERICK
February has found it's last day,
Another month of very low pay,
Will I find a job that's better,
So, I can resign with a letter,
Or, can I find a barn with a stack of warm hay.
Another month of very low pay,
Will I find a job that's better,
So, I can resign with a letter,
Or, can I find a barn with a stack of warm hay.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
THE NEIGHBORHOOD STORE
I went down to the neighborhood store,
The prices were higher than ever before,
I found the main man,
I asked “tell what you can?”,
He said he got married and his wife wanted more.
The prices were higher than ever before,
I found the main man,
I asked “tell what you can?”,
He said he got married and his wife wanted more.
Monday, February 24, 2014
SAVANNAH TOO SMART THE GREEK
In college Savannah became a Greek,
It was an honors frat so she was a geek,
No one knows,
Savannah’s woes,
She was made fun of for being a brain freak.
It was an honors frat so she was a geek,
No one knows,
Savannah’s woes,
She was made fun of for being a brain freak.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
THERE ONCE WAS A PIG NAMED SAM
There once was a fat pit named Sam,
He feared he was fattened for ham,
He acted real mean,
To his owner, Colleen,
So, she decided to sell him for Spam.
He feared he was fattened for ham,
He acted real mean,
To his owner, Colleen,
So, she decided to sell him for Spam.
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
HARVEY THE LEPRECHAUN SINGS
Harvey was a Leprechaun,
He dressed in royal purple, not green,
He thought that he was royalty,
A distant cousin of the queen,
Harvey claimed a castle for his noble self,
He had a genetic test done to claim it,
But, the test proved Harvey was not a royal heir,
His cause had become a lame bit,
Now Harvey’s dress is all in green,
And, believes he is a very great singer,
Although, he sings off key, his tone unclean,
He thinks that with Mario Lanza he’s a dead ringer.
He dressed in royal purple, not green,
He thought that he was royalty,
A distant cousin of the queen,
Harvey claimed a castle for his noble self,
He had a genetic test done to claim it,
But, the test proved Harvey was not a royal heir,
His cause had become a lame bit,
Now Harvey’s dress is all in green,
And, believes he is a very great singer,
Although, he sings off key, his tone unclean,
He thinks that with Mario Lanza he’s a dead ringer.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
A VAMPIRE SUCKS YOUR BLOOD
A vampire wants to suck down your blood,
But, he might not do it if your life is a dud,
You must be an overachiever,
Dedication like a beaver,
And, be someone who is not just a crud.
But, he might not do it if your life is a dud,
You must be an overachiever,
Dedication like a beaver,
And, be someone who is not just a crud.
Friday, February 14, 2014
FEBRUARY IN THE MID
February in the mid,
Is when snow-fairies stay hid,
The snow-fairies are small,
Can't take cold at all,
So, they hide until the cold weather is rid.
Is when snow-fairies stay hid,
The snow-fairies are small,
Can't take cold at all,
So, they hide until the cold weather is rid.
Tuesday, February 11, 2014
MY BROKER GAVE ME THE LATEST NEWS
My broker has given me the latest news,
He said to stop eating as he drank fancy booze,
As he drank rum and coke,
He said I was broke,
Then, said he'd be going on his Caribbean cruise.
He said to stop eating as he drank fancy booze,
As he drank rum and coke,
He said I was broke,
Then, said he'd be going on his Caribbean cruise.
Monday, February 10, 2014
THE PINK ORANGUTAN
One day after I had some beer,
Everything became real clear,
I looked outside and I could see,
A pink orangutan in my tree,
As I watched him from my little ranch,
He wound around on every branch,
When he saw my Steele glare,
He waved to acknowledge I was there,
The next day I could not see,
The pink orangutan in my tree,
My stomached ached and forehead throbbed,
‘My pink orangutan was gone’’, I sobbed,
At last I lost my very last tear,
Then, I realized my greatest fear,
For the orangutan had taken care,
To at least acknowledge I was there.
Everything became real clear,
I looked outside and I could see,
A pink orangutan in my tree,
As I watched him from my little ranch,
He wound around on every branch,
When he saw my Steele glare,
He waved to acknowledge I was there,
The next day I could not see,
The pink orangutan in my tree,
My stomached ached and forehead throbbed,
‘My pink orangutan was gone’’, I sobbed,
At last I lost my very last tear,
Then, I realized my greatest fear,
For the orangutan had taken care,
To at least acknowledge I was there.
Sunday, February 2, 2014
WINTER BEGINS AGAIN AND AGAIN
Because Winter begins again and again,
I wonder in what life I made so much sin,
The snow never stops,
It's too cold to brew hops,
Without beer there is no way to win.
I wonder in what life I made so much sin,
The snow never stops,
It's too cold to brew hops,
Without beer there is no way to win.
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
THE EX
Contacting my daughter I had to abort,
In case I had to pay back child support,
My ex-wife was such a terrible menace,
She ran off with the man that taught her tennis,
I should not have to pay for his comfort.
In case I had to pay back child support,
My ex-wife was such a terrible menace,
She ran off with the man that taught her tennis,
I should not have to pay for his comfort.
Sunday, January 19, 2014
A PSYCHIC NAMED MARGO MABLE
There was a psychic named Margo Mabel,
She would talk to spirits at the kitchen table,
First she would dine,
Then, she’d drink lots of wine,
The wine caused her psychic mind to enable.
She would talk to spirits at the kitchen table,
First she would dine,
Then, she’d drink lots of wine,
The wine caused her psychic mind to enable.
Wednesday, January 1, 2014
THE 2014 LIMERICK
Friday, December 27, 2013
WHAT SANTA DOES WHILE UNEMPLOYED
When Santa sits around unemployed,
He stares off into the void,
Soon lickety-split,
He jumps up, he can’t sit,
He must design a toy doggie droid.
He stares off into the void,
Soon lickety-split,
He jumps up, he can’t sit,
He must design a toy doggie droid.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
IT'S THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
It's the day after Christmas and what is my wish,
But, to cut open a can of some flaked tuna fish,
After a big Christmas dinner,
Tuna fish is a winner,
Just stick a fork in the can and then swish.
But, to cut open a can of some flaked tuna fish,
After a big Christmas dinner,
Tuna fish is a winner,
Just stick a fork in the can and then swish.
Sunday, December 22, 2013
THE NUTS, THE GUTS AND THE CUTS LIMERICK
Jim roasted a bag of chestnuts,
He cracked them open to get to the guts,
It didn't hurt Jim's pride,
If no guts were inside,
But, his fingers got chestnut shell cuts.
He cracked them open to get to the guts,
It didn't hurt Jim's pride,
If no guts were inside,
But, his fingers got chestnut shell cuts.
Monday, October 28, 2013
TO BE A TWIT
Social media in just a few letters,
Is for the simple minded bed wetter‘s,
If you cannot exchange,
In verbiage of wide range,
Then you’re amongst the intellectual debtors.
Monday, October 21, 2013
MISS SHORT LOVED HER RHUBARB PIE
Miss Short made great rhubarb pie,
She ate it in her den,
She’d share it with anyone,
A neighbor, a stranger or, kin,
Miss Long made a rhubarb pie,
She could not give it away,
She didn’t cook the rhubarb down enough,
It was runny like soup most say,
Miss Short would not share her secrets,
Miss Short’s pie was always the top,
Miss Long tried to make more pies,
But, they all turned out to be just slop.
She ate it in her den,
She’d share it with anyone,
A neighbor, a stranger or, kin,
Miss Long made a rhubarb pie,
She could not give it away,
She didn’t cook the rhubarb down enough,
It was runny like soup most say,
Miss Short would not share her secrets,
Miss Short’s pie was always the top,
Miss Long tried to make more pies,
But, they all turned out to be just slop.
Thursday, September 26, 2013
THE IN-BETWEEN OF HER TOES
Natalie had a really small nose,
Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes,
It was offensive, unclean,
All that gooey green,
So, she washed the in-between with a hot power-hose.
Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes,
It was offensive, unclean,
All that gooey green,
So, she washed the in-between with a hot power-hose.
Monday, August 26, 2013
NANCY THE SCORPION LIMERICK
Nancy the scorpion has one nasty bite,
It is because her long tail is wound up very tight,
Her tail has such a sting,
She displays it like bling,
And, she likes to surprise you at night.
Friday, August 23, 2013
HERBIE AND HIS LEAN-TO SHACK
Herbie built a lean-to shack,
To show the world he could come back,
He had lost his home,
To a Wall Street gnome,
After his employer gave him the sack.
To show the world he could come back,
He had lost his home,
To a Wall Street gnome,
After his employer gave him the sack.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Monday, August 19, 2013
THE SNEEZE MADE ME CHOOSE BEANS AND NOT PEAS
I went to the market to buy some bulk, dried, green peas,
But, over the bulk-bin the clerk gave a sneeze,
It gave me a chill,
Watching the white mucus spill,
So, I asked for the red beans if you please.
But, over the bulk-bin the clerk gave a sneeze,
It gave me a chill,
Watching the white mucus spill,
So, I asked for the red beans if you please.
Wednesday, August 14, 2013
THE CHICKENS IN JEFF'S DRAWERS
Jeff found some chickens in his drawers,
They had ate his marshmallows he had saved for s'mores,
The chickens were hasty,
So, Jeff fried them up tasty,
Then, his after dinner dessert was a Coors.
They had ate his marshmallows he had saved for s'mores,
The chickens were hasty,
So, Jeff fried them up tasty,
Then, his after dinner dessert was a Coors.
Sunday, August 11, 2013
REVENGE OF THE WOOD STOVE WIZARD
There once was a wizard who's wood stove burned wood,
When the fire burned brightly the wizard was good,
But, when the wood smoldered and hissed,
The wizard felt dissed,
And, burned down all the woodlands he could.
When the fire burned brightly the wizard was good,
But, when the wood smoldered and hissed,
The wizard felt dissed,
And, burned down all the woodlands he could.
Thursday, August 8, 2013
THE CHOCOLATE BAR IN THE JAR LIMERICK
Don found in his basement an old greenish jar,
He found within it an unwrapped chocolate bar,
It was bitter and sour,
Don spit it with power,
For it wasn't chocolate but, an old chunk of tar.
He found within it an unwrapped chocolate bar,
It was bitter and sour,
Don spit it with power,
For it wasn't chocolate but, an old chunk of tar.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
THE STEVE LIMERICK
This limerick is about a hiker named Steve,
Up steep, rocky mountains he'd swerve and he'd weave,
Once he got to the top,
He sucked down sodapop,
Then, Steve got sick and gave his soda a heave.
Up steep, rocky mountains he'd swerve and he'd weave,
Once he got to the top,
He sucked down sodapop,
Then, Steve got sick and gave his soda a heave.
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
MARISSA THE TOAD PICKS ON A FAT BEAR
Marissa was a vain and thoughtless young toad,
She was covered with warts as per toad dress code,
Marissa told a bear he was too fat,
So, he pooped on the toad brat,
Which made Marissa's pretty warts all erode.
She was covered with warts as per toad dress code,
Marissa told a bear he was too fat,
So, he pooped on the toad brat,
Which made Marissa's pretty warts all erode.
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
A LOGIN LIMERICK
I tried and failed to login,
I couldn't remember my pin,
Then, I typed in my name,
And, up my account came,
I know a simple pin is a sin.
I couldn't remember my pin,
Then, I typed in my name,
And, up my account came,
I know a simple pin is a sin.
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
CHRISTMAS: THE NIGHT BEFORE LIMERICK
It was the night before Christmas and I just found my mouse,
I had searched and I searched all over the house,
I had e-mails to send,
Many relatives to offend,
Then, I spilled eggnog and my keyboard took a douse.
I had searched and I searched all over the house,
I had e-mails to send,
Many relatives to offend,
Then, I spilled eggnog and my keyboard took a douse.
Monday, July 8, 2013
THE SKEETER HEATER AND MY DRIED-UP POND LIMERICK
One day the sun was quite the heater,
It even dried-up every skeeter,
But, my pond fish had a need,
For fresh skeeter feed,
No matter, my pond dried-up, every liter.
It even dried-up every skeeter,
But, my pond fish had a need,
For fresh skeeter feed,
No matter, my pond dried-up, every liter.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
MY FORTH OF JULY FIREWORKS
My fireworks went-off on the forth of July,
But, it was inside the car and made my mom cry,
No one was hurt,
But, mom was real curt,
And, lectured until us kids heaved a sigh.
But, it was inside the car and made my mom cry,
No one was hurt,
But, mom was real curt,
And, lectured until us kids heaved a sigh.
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
THE FEDS, MY FAMILY AND ME
I got home just in time to take my meds,
But, they were confiscated by the Feds,
My family accused of being reds,
Now, we sleep in cages on bunk beds.
But, they were confiscated by the Feds,
My family accused of being reds,
Now, we sleep in cages on bunk beds.
Monday, June 24, 2013
RICH GOT A LITTLE TINY PRICK
Rich got a little tiny prick,
When the doctor said that he was sick,
The needle was long,
It felt painful and wrong,
But, felt better with a big kissy lick.
When the doctor said that he was sick,
The needle was long,
It felt painful and wrong,
But, felt better with a big kissy lick.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
VEGAN NACHO TOMATO PASTE
My friend Carey gave me some vegan nacho tomato paste,
She made it from scrapings from her yard, garden waste,
I don't know what her yard, garden grows,
But, it ran out my nose,
And, left me with a rotten veggie, bitter fungal yard taste.
She made it from scrapings from her yard, garden waste,
I don't know what her yard, garden grows,
But, it ran out my nose,
And, left me with a rotten veggie, bitter fungal yard taste.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
MILK, THE ALTERNATIVE FUEL
There was an inventor whose name was Larry,
He invented a car that ran on dairy,
Cheese, milk, and eggs too,
Made his car cluck, cluck and moo,
But, the price of the fuel made folks wary.
He invented a car that ran on dairy,
Cheese, milk, and eggs too,
Made his car cluck, cluck and moo,
But, the price of the fuel made folks wary.
Monday, June 10, 2013
THE BIG ROCK COMES FOR US
There's a great big rock that comes for us,
But, We cannot jump off our satellite bus,
Our forward road is so clear,
Our future time is quite dear,
We must enjoy life without fear or a fuss.
But, We cannot jump off our satellite bus,
Our forward road is so clear,
Our future time is quite dear,
We must enjoy life without fear or a fuss.
Friday, June 7, 2013
BACTERIA FIT FOR A KING
The king took a drink from his favorite chalice,
But, the drink was filled with a bacterial malice,
The king was a dope,
Didn't like hot water or soap,
So, on porcelain he reigns from the palace.
But, the drink was filled with a bacterial malice,
The king was a dope,
Didn't like hot water or soap,
So, on porcelain he reigns from the palace.
Friday, May 31, 2013
I STOLE A DRUID'S STAFF AND HE STOLE MY BACKWOODS JEEP
I rode my jeep into the woods and found a druid fast asleep,
He had a magic staff that I decided I would keep,
But, man did I take a toll,
That vengeful druid made me a troll,
And, even worse he stole my backwoods custom jeep.
He had a magic staff that I decided I would keep,
But, man did I take a toll,
That vengeful druid made me a troll,
And, even worse he stole my backwoods custom jeep.
Saturday, May 18, 2013
SIMON CHOOSE THE BOOZE
Simon had two girlfriends,
They both had hair dyed blue,
One girlfriend was Rachel,
The other one was Sue,
Simon's blue haired girlfriends,
Got together and said "choose",
Simon couldn't live with just one,
So, he picked a third choice: booze!
They both had hair dyed blue,
One girlfriend was Rachel,
The other one was Sue,
Simon's blue haired girlfriends,
Got together and said "choose",
Simon couldn't live with just one,
So, he picked a third choice: booze!
Thursday, May 16, 2013
DON'S PERSPECTIVE AND HIS REALITY
Don thought happiness was a perspective you turned on at will,
Until after he received his very first bill,
After he received many more,
He figured out what was in store,
Don's perspective went from happy to ill.
Until after he received his very first bill,
After he received many more,
He figured out what was in store,
Don's perspective went from happy to ill.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
THE BOTULISM LIMERICK
Jennifer ate mushrooms she picked in the yard,
Those she didn't eat she froze or she jarred,
But with some she got sick,
Because she cooked them too quick,
And botulism caught her off guard.
Those she didn't eat she froze or she jarred,
But with some she got sick,
Because she cooked them too quick,
And botulism caught her off guard.
Monday, May 13, 2013
MOTHER'S DAY CHICKEN
Mommy ate chicken for her Mother's Day meal,
She shouldn't have ate it because it was colored teal,
Well, Mommy got sick,
From her Mother's Day Chick,
Pink bismuth made her sick belly heal.
She shouldn't have ate it because it was colored teal,
Well, Mommy got sick,
From her Mother's Day Chick,
Pink bismuth made her sick belly heal.
Saturday, May 11, 2013
MY OLD MARE LIMERICK
My old mare thought she was a superior horse breed,
So, she'd only eat super premium horse feed,
Then, she read the ingredient on the sack,
And, had a major heart attack,
For the ingredient was just ground up ragweed.
So, she'd only eat super premium horse feed,
Then, she read the ingredient on the sack,
And, had a major heart attack,
For the ingredient was just ground up ragweed.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
THE BROKEN NOSE LIMERICK
I was watering my garden and pulled on the hose,
It pulled loose from the house and I fell on my nose,
My nose broke in two places,
So, with two profile faces,
I change my look when I change my nose pose.
It pulled loose from the house and I fell on my nose,
My nose broke in two places,
So, with two profile faces,
I change my look when I change my nose pose.
Monday, May 6, 2013
FUNDING A NEW CORVETTE
I went to buy a new Corvette,
But, found I couldn't afford the debt,
So, I remortgaged my house,
Divorced my shop-happy spouse,
Still, my funds haven't got their yet.
But, found I couldn't afford the debt,
So, I remortgaged my house,
Divorced my shop-happy spouse,
Still, my funds haven't got their yet.
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