I went deer hunting with just a slingshot, My luck was real good, really not, The shot bounced off of the deer, Got lodged in my ear, And, there it must stay till I rot.
I'm not ready for dear hunting this year, I have the wrong kind of ammo it would appear, For some doe I won't trifle, So, I bought buckshot for my riffle, And, the fit is not really clear.
I was lectured a patriotic quote On how I must go out and vote, But, I couldn't check any box, For I shook with detox, And, my flask was in my other coat.
On election day I just could not choose, Whoever won meant that I would then lose, So, I wrote in "Burgers and Fries." For food tells no lies, Except, for judges I voted for "Booze."
On election day I din't capitulate, And, vote for any names approved by the state, So, I wrote my own in, Oh wow, what a sin, I'll be in prison until 3008.
John could not find any socks that matched at all, He ripped his pants and stained his shirt at the mall, He knew his job interview, Went completely phew, When, the interviewer said "I won't call".
I met a black widow spider whose name was Herman, I didn't smack him flat since he bites only vermin, I petted his head, He bit me, I'm dead, My stupid was recalled at my sermon.
Feeble was my little tree, That I had cultivated for history, It was for future generations to see, Of what really mattered to me, It died, the dried leaves made my tea.
Mark was becoming a big fellow, So, he decided to diet on jell-o, But, too much water in the goop, Just made fruity soup, Some Bourbon in the soup made Mark mellow.
Now I have two peppers growing, I hope they're ripe before the snowing, The northern fall, Brings death to all, But, at least an end to constant hoeing.
On Labor Day I don't like to work, Being unemployed gives me that perk, And, who wants the money, When the day is so sunny, Besides, the pay is so low for a clerk.
I went fishing on the Forth Of July, I forgot my bobber so I fished with a fly, I didn't catch a bass hog, Just a floating pine log, With a branch that stuck me in my right eye.
Jimmy thought education was king, He was sure great riches it'd bring, But, after eight years of college, And vast quantities of knowledge, His pockets are empty of bling.
How do fish get water out of their ears, If I’m a fish that’d be one of my big fears, Maybe that’s why fish dart to and fro, And, up and down don’t you know, Erratic behavior, until their condition clears.
There once was a chicken named Cam, She laid eggs that were all full of ham, But, the pigs on the farm, Said ham-eggs did them harm, So, Cam laid eggs full of blueberry jam.
I made some biscuits with cornmeal, I used half the cornmeal so, what's the deal, But, my family said "NO!," My biscuits had to go, Thus, my baked goods have little appeal.
Rhubarb limericks should be spoke without a horn or a drum, The melodious phrases should be why the curious come, The story of rhubarb wine has been debugged, The wine is undrinkable unless quickly chugged, Rhubarb wine just can't compare to spiced rum.
I married a ninja named rose, In various positions she’d pose, I checked out a girl named Clare, And, to my demise and despair, I found out how far Rosey throws.
A rodent named Larry sure liked his cheese, He had no manners and never said please, He saw a really big chunk, Just started eating, “Kerplunk!” The rat trap got old Larry with ease.
There was a rattlesnake named Jim, He would bite you on a whim, But, along came a bear, That Jim did not scare, Now in heaven Jim hisses his hymn. Jim the rattlesnake was awfully mean, He bit everything that he had seen, But, from above, Jim fell in love, With a rattlesnake named Darlene.
February has found it's last day, Another month of very low pay, Will I find a job that's better, So, I can resign with a letter, Or, can I find a barn with a stack of warm hay.
I went down to the neighborhood store, The prices were higher than ever before, I found the main man, I asked “tell what you can?”, He said he got married and his wife wanted more.
In college Savannah became a Greek, It was an honors frat so she was a geek, No one knows, Savannah’s woes, She was made fun of for being a brain freak.
There once was a fat pit named Sam, He feared he was fattened for ham, He acted real mean, To his owner, Colleen, So, she decided to sell him for Spam.
Harvey was a Leprechaun, He dressed in royal purple, not green, He thought that he was royalty, A distant cousin of the queen, Harvey claimed a castle for his noble self, He had a genetic test done to claim it, But, the test proved Harvey was not a royal heir, His cause had become a lame bit, Now Harvey’s dress is all in green, And, believes he is a very great singer, Although, he sings off key, his tone unclean, He thinks that with Mario Lanza he’s a dead ringer.
A vampire wants to suck down your blood, But, he might not do it if your life is a dud, You must be an overachiever, Dedication like a beaver, And, be someone who is not just a crud.
My broker has given me the latest news, He said to stop eating as he drank fancy booze, As he drank rum and coke, He said I was broke, Then, said he'd be going on his Caribbean cruise.
One day after I had some beer, Everything became real clear, I looked outside and I could see, A pink orangutan in my tree, As I watched him from my little ranch, He wound around on every branch, When he saw my Steele glare, He waved to acknowledge I was there, The next day I could not see, The pink orangutan in my tree, My stomached ached and forehead throbbed, ‘My pink orangutan was gone’’, I sobbed, At last I lost my very last tear, Then, I realized my greatest fear, For the orangutan had taken care, To at least acknowledge I was there.
Because Winter begins again and again, I wonder in what life I made so much sin, The snow never stops, It's too cold to brew hops, Without beer there is no way to win.
Contacting my daughter I had to abort, In case I had to pay back child support, My ex-wife was such a terrible menace, She ran off with the man that taught her tennis, I should not have to pay for his comfort.
There was a psychic named Margo Mabel, She would talk to spirits at the kitchen table, First she would dine, Then, she’d drink lots of wine, The wine caused her psychic mind to enable.
The year 2014 has started, And, we remember the dearly departed, If by the end of this year, We're all standing here, We'll know that 2014 was kindhearted.
It's the day after Christmas and what is my wish, But, to cut open a can of some flaked tuna fish, After a big Christmas dinner, Tuna fish is a winner, Just stick a fork in the can and then swish.
Jim roasted a bag of chestnuts, He cracked them open to get to the guts, It didn't hurt Jim's pride, If no guts were inside, But, his fingers got chestnut shell cuts.
Miss Short made great rhubarb pie, She ate it in her den, She’d share it with anyone, A neighbor, a stranger or, kin, Miss Long made a rhubarb pie, She could not give it away, She didn’t cook the rhubarb down enough, It was runny like soup most say, Miss Short would not share her secrets, Miss Short’s pie was always the top, Miss Long tried to make more pies, But, they all turned out to be just slop.
Natalie had a really small nose, Even so, she could smell the in-between of her toes, It was offensive, unclean, All that gooey green, So, she washed the in-between with a hot power-hose.
Herbie built a lean-to shack, To show the world he could come back, He had lost his home, To a Wall Street gnome, After his employer gave him the sack.
I went to the market to buy some bulk, dried, green peas, But, over the bulk-bin the clerk gave a sneeze, It gave me a chill, Watching the white mucus spill, So, I asked for the red beans if you please.
Jeff found some chickens in his drawers, They had ate his marshmallows he had saved for s'mores, The chickens were hasty, So, Jeff fried them up tasty, Then, his after dinner dessert was a Coors.
There once was a wizard who's wood stove burned wood, When the fire burned brightly the wizard was good, But, when the wood smoldered and hissed, The wizard felt dissed, And, burned down all the woodlands he could.
Don found in his basement an old greenish jar, He found within it an unwrapped chocolate bar, It was bitter and sour, Don spit it with power, For it wasn't chocolate but, an old chunk of tar.
This limerick is about a hiker named Steve, Up steep, rocky mountains he'd swerve and he'd weave, Once he got to the top, He sucked down sodapop, Then, Steve got sick and gave his soda a heave.
Marissa was a vain and thoughtless young toad, She was covered with warts as per toad dress code, Marissa told a bear he was too fat, So, he pooped on the toad brat, Which made Marissa's pretty warts all erode.
It was the night before Christmas and I just found my mouse, I had searched and I searched all over the house, I had e-mails to send, Many relatives to offend, Then, I spilled eggnog and my keyboard took a douse.
One day the sun was quite the heater, It even dried-up every skeeter, But, my pond fish had a need, For fresh skeeter feed, No matter, my pond dried-up, every liter.
My fireworks went-off on the forth of July, But, it was inside the car and made my mom cry, No one was hurt, But, mom was real curt, And, lectured until us kids heaved a sigh.
Rich got a little tiny prick, When the doctor said that he was sick, The needle was long, It felt painful and wrong, But, felt better with a big kissy lick.
My friend Carey gave me some vegan nacho tomato paste, She made it from scrapings from her yard, garden waste, I don't know what her yard, garden grows, But, it ran out my nose, And, left me with a rotten veggie, bitter fungal yard taste.
There was an inventor whose name was Larry, He invented a car that ran on dairy, Cheese, milk, and eggs too, Made his car cluck, cluck and moo, But, the price of the fuel made folks wary.
There's a great big rock that comes for us, But, We cannot jump off our satellite bus, Our forward road is so clear, Our future time is quite dear, We must enjoy life without fear or a fuss.