CROAK GOES THE WEASEL

I wish up in Canada, they'd stop the smoking,

So that people in Michigan, could stop choking,

It just ain't at all fair,

There's smoke clouds everywhere,

I saw a weasel gasp for air, I think he was croaking

TALK ABOUT A BAD SANTA

Santa's at the beach and he's having lots of summer fun,

He left Mrs. Santa at home; he's with a special hon,

But an age difference he fears,

About 20,000 years,

And Santa's new young lady, shows she's baking him a bun.

BACON, TOAST EGGS GOOD: CEREAL, NOT SO MUCH HAIKU

High priced cereal,
Nice box: tastes like sticks and leaves,
Trash can smells better.

Sugar, Cereal,
Yuck! Tastes like very dry grass,
Eggs, toast, bacon, good.

BULLIES, EYEBALLS AND GOLD

I put an earring in my left ear,

It was gold, and financially dear,

But along came this Frankie,

He gave my earring a yankey,

The pain made my right eyeball tear.

HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN

The cars on the highway started to beep,

So I had to go out and move my sheep,

Cars are evil and chilling,

They do sheep roadkill killing,

Then at the end of the day, I weep.

VAMPIRES CELEBRATE THE FOURTH WITH PIE

At every fireworks display on the  4th Of July,

Vampires rain down on tourists, from out of the sky,

The tourists are alarmed,

But not seriously harmed,

The vampires just need blood, for gram cracker crust pie.

ZOMBIES ON THE FOURTH

The zombies attacked on the 4th Of July,

They ate my best friends, Herbie and Guy,

Then the rocket glared,

The zombies got scarred,

And I ate burgers, and finished with pie.

SPACECRAFT DISASSEMBLY, AND A BABOON IS LOST IN SPACE🚀

My spaceship disassembled as I journeyed toward the moon,

They launched it in bad weather, and probably way too soon,

It rattled really bad, 

While still on the launch pad,

Humans won't feel bad for me, I'm just a creature called, Baboon. 

 

DEEP FRIED SPLEEN KIDNEY PIE

Chef made the bestest ever, kidney pie,

It was so delicious, I asked chef,"why?"

Chef said he made kidneys appeal,

By wrapping with the spleen of eel,

Cooked in grease leftover, from a chicken fry.

HUSBANDS AND BOYFRIENDS, AND THE BIG ALPHA MALE

Ron was proud to be a big alpha male,

At nightclubs, he would really set sail,

Ron hit on ladies all night,

Got into fight after fight,

And spent the next 90 days in a jail.

MY ROOSTER GOT TAIL IN THE END

The dog next door, Jim call him poop,

He tried to raid Jim's chicken coup,

But Jim's rooster had beak,

And Poop's tail he did seek,

Tonight Jim fine dines, on Poopy tail soup.

NEVER USE YOUR HANDS TO LAUNCH ROCKETS,: A PARABLE OF SORTS

I use to have fingers, until one 4th Of July,🖖

From my fists I'd launch rockets, then watched them blowup and die,🌋

I got celebration crazy,🍺💃

Then my fingers got lazy,🙌🚑

It's been over 80 years, still I cry.😭

WARNING: BE CAREFUL WHEN HANDLING FIRE AND EXPLOSIVES!!! BEST NOT TO DO IT AT ALL 👍

PUT SAFETY FIRST WHEN FOLLOWING COWS

I followed the cows at eventide,

The cows kicked up bacteria so, then I died,

Follow cows if you must,

Just cover your face from the dust,

Then, with the bovine species abide. 

THE ALPHA MALE AND HIS TINY THINGS

I do not like bacteria, I do not like them one and all,

They make my belly really sick, and make my little sister ball,

Daddy brings them home from work,

He won't wash his hands, the drunken jerk,

He claims he's an alpha male, and bacteria is their card of call.

ICE CREAM ENVY

I wanted an ice cream cone, but they make me look fat,

So I had my little bro eat one, while I watched and sat,

With delicious surprise,

The first lick, twinkled his eyes,

So I took the ice cream cone, and made it into his hat.

DON'T EAT YOUR SWEETIES FEETIES

I once knew this scientist named Pete,

The only thing he studied was feet,

He said what lurked among us,

Was a terminal foot fungus,

And toe jam was not fit to eat

MY GOLDFISH PLOTS

Methinks my goldfish now plots my demise,

I can see his deceit in his black, blinkless eyes,

What gives me a real creep,

Is he sinks down into the deep,

And, I know someday from the deep he will rise. 

THE LIMERICK OF PORCH PIRATE BILLY

Porch pirate Billy, sneaked up to my backdoor,

He sneaked off with candy, laid on my porch floor,

A rare chocolate from Spain,

Quite hard to obtain,

Now I will have to try ordering more.

BUGS GIVE ME GAS

My friends tell me the food sources are declining,

My menu, they all said, needs refining,

They said if I would eat bugs,

They would give me love hugs,

But bugs tear into my intestional lining.

BETWEEN BACON AND SOCIAL MEDIA, I CHOSE BACON EVERYTIME

I went to Twitter and I couldn't twit a tweet,

I felt really low, I felt deep defeat,

I did not get bitter,

Because they signed me off Twitter,

I can spend the time frying bacon to eat.