NEW YEARS EVE LIMERICK

On New Year's Eve we all love to go out,

We drink and eat with gusto and shout,

At midnight we chug the mug,

Give our loved one a hug,

And, make promises we won't keep, no doubt.

MAKE A BAD YEAR SHORTER

It was awful I couldn't wait for 2020 to end,

I hoped that out of mercy the time rulers would bend,

And make the year shorter,

Maybe by one half or a quarter,

But, all 365 days were drawn out to their end.

THE WHAT I DON'T KNOW LIMERICK

I don't know a pair of ducks from a paradox,

I can't tell a pair of dogs from a couple of fox,

But, one thing is clear,

If you spill one drop of my beer,

Then, I'll mess you up like I'm a bubonic pox.

MY DAD'S TALE

My dad was born with a prehensile tail,

He picked fruit trees for a living and put the fruit in a pail,

But, he was attacked by some bees,

Who pollinated the trees,

And boy did dad let out a big wail. 

THERE WAS A LEPRECHAUN NAMED PETE

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he'd eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

SALMON AND LEMONADE

Vonnie made some lemonade,

To go with Charlie's salmon,

And, Vonnie's lemonade made golden grade,

But, Charlie's salmon was not mammon,

The salmon flavor was just not plain strong,

It had a flavor that was just plain wrong,

And, the fish was covered with a white fuzzy,

Even the flies wouldn't give it a buzzy,

Now, although lemonade and salmon was the dinner proposal,

The main course ended up down the garbage disposal,

So, to go with the lemonade what was there to eat?

Well, a basket of tater tots became the main treat.

MAKE PEACE WITH THE FAT, DOC

Eat much smaller portions and the fat will melt away,

That is what my doctor said and it's what mommy use to  say,

But, I like to mega eat and social dine,

And, a full belly makes a sad world fine,

So, my doc should just make peace with that cause, the fat is here to stay.

SOCIAL MEDIA IS SO SERIOUS

On Facebook I was trolled and trolled all Christmas day,

So, I cancelled my account to Twitter parley,

On Twitter I got a restricted account,

I guess I was sassy to an excessive amount,

I then went to Parlor and was banned right away.

I AIN'T A GOOD GIRL OR GOOD BOY

It's the day after Christmas and I've broken all my toys,

I guess I ain't one of those good girls or good boys,

So, I took my gift called a sweater,

And, made it much better,

I made a bag I filled with Almond Joys.

THE CHRISTMAS BEAR

Over there I saw the Christmas Bear,
He roared and gave me quite a scare,
I petted his head,
He knocked me down dead,
Petting the Christmas bear was an error.

HOW CHRISTMAS CAROLS COME TO BE

When the sky is cold and gray,
And summer seems so far away,
Snowflakes twinkle, a light display,
Then the mind begins to play,

Imagining a childhood tune,
Back in days that passed too soon,
Mother hummed it on christmas day,
While she set the table with display,

Soon some others would chime in,
Adding words with a Christmas spin,
Aunts and uncles and other kin,
Let their hearts speak out from deep within,

The house broke out with joyous song
And all the people sang along,
My sister pounded the piano keys,
New versus arrived with incredible ease,

Finally, the singing had to cease,
As we sat down for our meal of peace,
The food was really grand to eat,
But, being with loved ones is hard to beat,

The mind remembers the joyous past,
Those are the moments we want to last,
Such inspiration came to me,
How Christmas carols come to be.

CHRISTMAS DAY LIMERICK

Everyone deserves a Merry Christmas Day,
Eat a big dinner and watch the kids play,
After dinner and more,
Sleep with a loud snore,
And dream of summer fun on the bay.

BENNY THE ELF

Benny the elf made toys for Saint Nick,
After Christmas he'd visit his cousin named Rick,
Rick lived in Atlanta,
A long ways from dear Santa,
In a week Benny was feeling homesick.

BECAUSE THE CHRISTMAS PIGS HAD RUN AWAY LIMERICK

Because all the Christmas pigs had run away,
We had to eat tuna fish on Christmas day,
And, from my family there was no praise,
We didn't have mayonnaise,
Should have had TV dinners with a plastic tray. 

THE POLITICAL AND ECONOMIC HISTORY OF THE WORLD

Politicians must start thinking with clarity,
The earth is filled with the severed heads of kings,
Who, managed their people with austerity,
While, taking away all of  their things.

TIME TRAVEL CAN HURT

When I climbed up into my old tree house I time traveled back thirty years,

When I fell through the rotting boards it brought back my childhood tears,

The pain was not just from falling,

But, the taunting voices calling,

Then, when I broke some bones the taunts roared into blissful cheers.

SANTA HAD AN EVIL BUSINESSMAN'S ID

Santa had an  evil businessman’s Id,
Although at Christmas he would keep it well hid,
Santa liked to throw snowballs at elfin workers,
If he felt that they were elfin work shirkers,
So, on ice the elves  tripped him and laughed as he slid.

 

BITERS MAKE ME HIDE

Upon my pond glide scary riders,

Many call them water spiders,

So, in my pond I won't sit,

Too afraid to be bit,

Instead, I'll go back up the beach with the hiders.

THE WATER PIPE AND BRAIN SAUSAGE

The Doc asked me so, I counted one, tooo, tree, 

My infant tongue betrayed the mind of me,

I destroyed my mind and my good soul,

Smoking a water pipe of charcoal,

I can no longer control the timing when I wee.

MY ONLINE CHRISTMAS DECLINE

I bought all of my Christmas online,

Even the dinner and wine,

The dinner arrived cold,

The wine cork taste was bold,

I'm now the host with host skills in decline.

ONE FOOT DONNY GOES TO RUSSIA

Donny played no golfing game, 

His missing foot was to blame,

Donny thought his foot was stolen,

When he misplaced it up his colon,

Although Donny had TV fame,

His colon fetish made him lame,

For fame in Russia he did aim,

Soon, they'll regret the day he came.

BIG DONNY MACHO

Donny thought he was a macho man,

Because he ate pasta from a can,

Donny was six times the weight,

Of any normal mate,

Donny thought each gawker was a fan.

RED BASEBALL HATS

I've decided to quit wearing baseball hats,

The red ones especially have major loser stats,

So, like granddad and aunt Cora,

I'll be wearing a fedora,

The fedora is often worn by the ultra styling cats.

THE POLITICS OF THE ELEPHANT

There was an elephant all large and fat,
The elephant knew where the peanuts were at,
It kissed the big rears,
Of the rich who inflict tears,
The elephant didn’t care as he ate where he sat.

THE WOODCUTTER FELLED A BIRCH ON A CHURCH

Willie the wood cutter cut down a big birch,
But, Willie felled the birch wrong, upon the neighborhood church,
The birch knocked off the bell,
On poor Willie it fell,
Willie found a heavenly cloud where he'll perch.

NO HOPS, DRINK POPS WITH NO TOPS

This year I had a failed crop of hops,

So, now all winter I drink shots and pops,

But, it's beer that I'll crave,

Until, I go to my grave,

I so miss those beer foamy tops.

Donny Did A Dirty Deed

Donny did a dirty deed,

When he lost his online feed,

He pardoned bandits that were his seed,

And, all his nasty friends he freed,

Donny was a dirty deeder,

He prized his thoughts and was no reader,

He acted like he was a weeder,

And, failed badly as fearless leader.

DONNY WET TO BED LAST NIGHT

Donny wet to bed last night,

Because his jammies were too tight,

They put on a squeeze,

He peed with ease,

Now,  Donny's bottom has diaper blight.

THE ANIMAL FARE MADE SCENTS

I went to the Fair and was taken aback by the vapors,

The smells weren't advertised by the pictures in papers,

So, I held my nose,

But, absorbed the scents in my clothes,

I washed my clothes then, had a salad with capers.

TWO SKUNKS MADE A NEST UNDER MY DECK LIMERICK

Two skunks made a nest right under my deck,
They had little babies and they were cute as all heck,
Though the smells did appall,
The skunks went away in the fall,
They were cute but my sinuses are a wreck.

ICE FISHING WAY OUT ON THE LAKE

I went ice fishing way out on the lake,
The blue gills were a pretty good take,
The gills flopped about with ease,
Until they started to freeze,
They were fine when I unthawed them on bake.

DONNY STOLE TEN BILLION BUCKS

Donny stole 10 billion bucks,💰💰💰💰💰💰💰💰🤑

He loaded it onto pickup trucks,🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚🚚

No one knows how,🤔

The money got to Moscow,🛫✈✈✈✈🛬

Where, it paid for tans and tummy tucks.🍊🐖

MY SKUNK NAMED AMADEUS

My gal and I had a skunk named Amadeus,
Whenever he’d see us he couldn’t help but to spray us,
We did nothing at all wrong,
To get a taste of his smelly bong,
Our pet skunk through our lives into chaos.

DONNY'S BAKING WAS SO BAD

Donny's Christmas cookies tasted like a toilet that would not flush,

Donny said that all complainers should just shut their traps and hush,

Donny made a Christmas cake,

That made all bellies really ache,

Donny said his bad baking was because he had to rush.

THE FURNACE

My furnace does not keep me warm,
It dies when there is a snow storm,
It's not so fun,
When your heater don't run,
And, on your nose the icicles form.

OPEN BEDROOM WINDOW IN WINTER

My bedroom window was left open all day,

The winter snows poured inward that way,

So, with two feet of snow,

My bedroom was no place to go,

The couch near the fireplace was a nice stay.

ALIENS RE-FABRICATED MY BRAINS

There was a pair of alien probes,

They attached themselves to my earlobes

Then, they re-fabricated my brain,

Leaving me legally insane,

While they hung as just plain silver globes.

DONNY SEEKS JOY BY EVIL DEEDS

Donny wanted all the toys,

So, he bullied all the girls and boys,

And, if a kid said no deal,

Donny simply would steal

Evil deeds were Donny's great joys.

DONNY DAZE

Donny loved to gather money,

It was the only way he could find a honey,

For, he had no hair,

Bad underwear,

And, down his leg dripped something runny.

DONNY AND HIS COUNTERFEIT DREAM

While counterfeiting or, dollar making,

Donny dreamed of trips he thought worth taking,

And, the cars and mansions he'd buy,

With his dollars that lie,

But, when the cops came Donny was shaking.

WHEN I EAT PERCH AND THEN SLEEP

Every time I eat fried perch and then sleep,

I dream I'm swimming in out waters, in the way dark and deep,

I'm chased by walleye while, tiny fry are my meat,

I make quick choices to survive and maybe to eat,

And, all around I sense monsters: in the darkness they creep.  

MY JERKY CHRISTMAS DINNER

My little pet bear ate my Christmas ham, without shame,

I left the smokehouse door open so, I guess I'm to blame,

Now, Christmas dinner will feature jerky,

Made from leftover Thanksgiving turkey,

And, the last time I served jerky nobody came,    

UNDER THE FULL BEAVER MOON

Under the full Beaver Moon,

I marched with a pipes played tune,

The county took me away,

For a very long stay,

I was labeled a bird, a loon.

SANTA HAS BAD HABBITS

Santa ate too many herbal cookies,

Santa drank too much ice beer,

Santa went to jail, 

That's why Santa isn't here.

Santa has some reindeer,

Santa feeds his reindeer grass,

All day they just play video games,

While sitting on their mass.

I BOUGHT A BUDA ON FRIDAY TO BRING ME SOME LUCK

There were great deals on Black Friday but, I had no funds to pay,

I had not been working since, the third week of May,

I broke open my penny jar,

Found four dimes in the car,

I could then buy a small Buda made out of red clay.

THE SILENT MOVIE MOGUL

Wilbur Royce Rice,

Was the movie Mogul of his time,

He began his career in film,

With a camera and a dime,

A silent world Rice screened,

Of great empires now dust,

The Egyptians, the Romans,

The Greek gods with a bust,

He dabbled in baubles,

Invested in dreams,

Created film stories,

With heart-string pulling themes,

A film studio he built,

He was a "genius" they declared,

The awards kept coming,

And, a great fortune he fared,

Then, silent movies,

All went away,

But, Wilbur Royce Rice,

Had an ankle of clay,

He was stubborn all knew,

And, he couldn't change with the bunch,

So, the new era in film,

Took poor Wilbur out with one punch,

Alas, the bauble market blew up,

The dream investments, just schemes,

 And, all the filmed stories,

Went rot like paper reams,

Wilbur was broke without his camera or dime,

He could have come back if he wasn't old and had time,

And, the pictures changed more, from the old black and white,

To movies with color that Wilbur disparaged as blight,

So, what gain a man with great talent without range?

Just the title of has-been and epitaph "Would Not Change," 

A DUNG BEETLE NAMED BARB

There was a dung beetle named Barb,
Her diet was really high carb,
She did not feel well,
She burst through her shell,
For dress she must find some new garb.

Barb was a dung beetle that ate all day,
She chowed down cow dung mixed with some clay,
She ran out in the sun,
Then, stopped and couldn't run,
Barb baked into a statue that day.

DONNY WAITS TO GO: A TIME TRAVELING TALE

Donny liked to time travel back to an autocratic nation,

And, often when Donny time traveled, he'd suffer constipation,

Donny went to 50's North Korea,

There he suffered diarrhea,

Donny waits to escape to Russia with anticipation.

MY TRACTOR MADE A RINK AND THEN TOOK A DEEP SINK

I drove my tractor out on the lake to snow blow some ice,

I thought an ice rink for the kids would be really nice,

I watched my rink grow with the blow, 

Until, the ice gave way and down I go,

So, my tractor paid the ultimate price  

Turkey Day Dinner With A Surprise

For Turkey Day I ate canned pig,

With a bottle of port and a menthol cig,

And, the big surprise,

I found some old French fries,

They were in the coach and I had to dig.

I CARVED THE TURKEY

Because of Covid  I could not turkey shop via, a roam,😷

So, I carved my Thanksgiving beast from Dow Styrofoam,🦃

It did not bake but, caught fire,🔥

Burned like a rubber tire,💥♨

Now, I've no turkey, no dinner no home.🏚

PRUNE JUICE AND THE TURKEY BALLOON

I was to serve a non-meat turkey at Thanksgiving noon,

But, the turkey I baked was a turkey balloon,

Well, that's in the past,

So, after the blast,

We all got loose with some juice made with prune.

TURKEY IN A TREE

Turkey, turkey way up in the tall tree,

Please come down; be dinner for me,

I'll invite over friends,

We'll eat your odds and ends,

I'll stuff your butt with breading; you'll taste real good, you'll see.

DINNER WITH THE FLYING MONKEYS

There were three flying monkeys sent by the Wicked Witch of the West,

They were just three flying monkeys but, they were the wicked Witch's best,

They sliced me up and ate me raw,

Never thought I be ended by a monkey's paw,

They saved my liver per the Witch's request.

P.S.

Too bad for all of them, I failed my rabies test.

The Deceit That Cost Me Toes

There was a volcano down the street

It burnt my shoelaces; burnt off my feet,

Because when the lava flows,

If you don't run you lose toes,

Donald said things were fine but, that was a deceit.

Artificial Turkey Meat

I'm eating artificial meat,

It tastes like turkey; at least the feet,

It chews like gum,

That's been shared with some,

And, the smell is like a condemned toilet seat.

CLEANING TEETH APPOINTMENT HAIKU

APPOINTMENT NOTICE,
WAITING ROOM, WAITING, CLEAN, PAIN
CHECKOUT, BILL, SHOCK, PAIN

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE KIDNEY CAKE

I ate at a friend's place and they served kidney cake,

It did not taste good so, my compliments were all fake,

Then, after a quick toilet puke,

I gave no rebuke,

But, not one extra serving I'd take.

WHERE STARS SHOULD NEVER BE

I am pondering on a web of stars where, I don't think stars should ever be,

They're inside my kitchen oven within some fourth dimension reality,

They came from my exploding fruitcake,

Which I tried to mix-n-bake,

I should have only used one egg instead, my brain suggested three.

my 

THE EMPEROR OF BEANS RULES ALL

There is no greater power than the Emperor of Beans,

He has turned the heads and soiled the beds of emperors, kings and queen,

No one can cleanly pass,

His unstable gas,

If that's what the Emperor deems.

BE CAREFUL CUTTING DOWN TREES

I went outside and cut down a tree,

I did it wrong and it fell on me,

So, now I slouch,

With eternal ouch,

And, drink only chamomile herb tea.

NEEDS AND MAKE BELIEVE

In the real world we need to find: warmth, water, food, shelter and some form of carnal happiness.

Everything else is just a world of make believe.

MY COMPLAINT ABOUT WORMS (IN MY SOUP)

I complained about a worm in my soup,
It squirmed around in a loop,
It was not spaghetti,
And, I don't think I'm petty,
For, at the bottom of the bowl was a group.

A Wine Maker Without A Critic

Salamander Sally liked parsnips on toast,

She also like parsnips  cooked with a beef roast,

But, her parsnip wine,

Was not rated as fine,

She attacked the poor critic and made him a ghost.

The Stinky, Pinky Popular Drinky

Popular is the new fad drink,

That is poured out in fluorescent pink,

But, you have to drink fast,

Or, the aftertaste will last,

And, for a week your breath will just stink.

AT THE END OF THE WORLD

At the end of the world I moved into a box,

I ran out of beer so, I was forced to detox,

Detox made me ache and cry,

So, when a zombie came by,

I let it bite me to numb me with pox.

THE BEAR VOTE

I decided to try to vote today,

Past armed guards claiming they have the last say,

The gunnies gave me no scare,

For I brought along my pet bear,

The gunnies soon cleared out of my way.

ARMAGEDDON MAKES MY LIMERICKS CRY

We all looked up into a pale blue sky,

And saw Armageddon on the fly,

The great fireball did not tarry,

To make my earth a cemetery,

No where to hide so, I guess we die.

Armageddon in the November fall,

So, the holidays won't come at all,

And me, the plague did not kill,

I Stayed home with my grill,

Now, my cruel earth dies by a sky fireball.

THE LIMERICK OF SOMEONE

Someone ate some pork chops and beans,

Someone ate some big leafy greens,

Someone ate some more,

Someone barfed some on the floor,

Someone feels sorry for someone who comes and cleans.

ARNIE THE GOLDFISH AND HIS GUARDIAN ANGEL

Arnie the goldfish was sitting in jail,
He was arrested for exposing his tail,
Benny the fisherman liked Arnie a bunch,
He decided to have Arnie the goldfish for lunch,
Benny the fisherman put up Arnie's bail.

I Was Abused On Social Media

Somebody just called me a "Bot,"

It's a term I'm familiar with, not,

I felt some abuse,

From the word's negative use,

So, I called my name caller a "Snot."

I VOTED IN SECRET FOR A HIGHER WAGE

I cast my vote long before election day,

I voted for higher wages on my minimum pay,

I dare not tell my boss,

Or, he'll give my bum a toss,

Then, I wouldn't get any richer if at home I had to stay.

THE BUG DINER II

Eating bugs at a diner is nothing new,

Except, if the bugs are on the menu,

While at the Bug Shack,

You get caterpillars by the rack, 

And, spiders scraped fresh from a shoe. 

MY BEST FRIEND PARANOIA

Paranoia is my best friend,
It protects me from dangers that lie around every bend,
For round each bend I just know,
The boogeyman's planing me woe,
My friend says "run away to defend."

QUEST FOR DUST

I went to get some pixie dust but, could not find a pixie,

Some said I should look up north, others said I should whistle Dixie,

So, I went out west instead,

Looked along a stream that glaciers fed, 

Alas, there was no pixie dust,

Just some gold and silver crust,

It seems my trip was one big bust,

So, I give up, I guess I must.

I CAN'T READ: I'M ON SOCIAL MEDIA

Social media is just my speed,

I just wish maybe, I had learned to read,

The pictures draw my attention,

But, I'm often lacking comprehension,

So, imagination fills my comprehension need. 

FIGS, RIGS AND BIG BUCK DEER

Amy liked to munch on figs,
While driving along in real big rigs,
Once she dropped her fig on the floor,
Then went reaching for some more,

Out jumped a big buck deer,
That caused Amy to try to veer,
She missed the buck but could not steer,
She may still eat figs, just not around here.

I PRETEND AT THE SKI LODGE

I dodged trees as I skied down the hill,

Pretending Olympic historians would find me a thrill,

And, my pretend crowd,

Was shouting so loud,

The Olympic committee paid my lodge bill.

TIME IN A THROTTLE

If I could put time in a throttle,

I'd set my spaceship to lightspeed and cruise,

At lightspeed I don't scare,

For I'm a tired old bear,

I'd go to the back of my spaceship and snooze.

  

THE CATFISH ODE IN C MINOR

The catfish has great fortitude,

And, just a bit of an attitude,

The catfish is not dainty,

Bottom feeding on stuff tainty,

A free roamer with a land catitude.

My Planet Far Beyond

I come from a planet far beyond your yellow star, the sun,

It's the planet of toys where all just play and have great fun,

While my people all love slacking,

Your people are fun, lacking,

And, you manage your relations with a gun.

A LESSON IN GRAVITY THANKS TO MY SWEET TOOTH

I went to the dentist to fix a cavity,

He blamed my lack of judgment and my sweet tooth depravity,

But, I have no other treats,

Except, for my sweet candy sweets,

When the dentist chair collapsed I blamed it on gravity.

BIG FOOT VAMPIRE SUCKS BLOOD TILL THEY'RE DEAD

Connor the vampire made big media news,

It was,discovered he wore size 35 shoes,

But, after a bite on the neck,

No one gave a heck,

For they were down with the blood sucker blues.

THE UNIVERSE DREAMS

As we master connections through entanglement schemes,

With connected tissues that have no wires or beams,

With understanding or not,

We live out the plot,

Forever as the universe dreams,

We've found the alpha and omega at last,

Unified space and tme; present, future and past,

And, in this reality we face,

What defines our place?

Well, we're more audience and not the stars in the cast.

COLLECTING COINS FOR UTILITY BILLS

When I was young at numismatics I was a wonder,

I went through pocket change looking for rare coins to plunder,

Alas, I grew up and those thrills,

Ended with utility bills,

Which ravaged my collection asunder.

The Rare Bird

I'm a rare bird because I like to learn,

Not to make money; I have no ambition to earn,

I do think it's vital,

I receive the teacher title,

Then, my knowledge from you folks, I'll return.

I CHASED OFF A,POACHER AND SHARED A BEER WITH MY BEAR

I caught a bad guy way out back,

He was poaching deer near his lean-to shack,

So, I gave him a scare,

By calling in a big bear,

He ran off and left his beer in a sack.

TODAY I'M THE BIRTHDAY BOY

Today, I'm the big birthday boy,

I'll make tacos to give my belly joy,

A brownie I'll bake,

For my birthday cake,

For my present, I won't eat any soy.

I LOVE THE OLD APPLE TREE

Made poor by my bills, I would never be free,

I worked in a store and ate only lint tea,

Then, I married a real outsider,

But, a real steady provider,

One catch, I married an old apple tree.

DILLY THE SCRATCHY CAT

My cat Dilly shows me love with his scratches,

That's why I keep around some extra eye patches,

And, Dilly my friend, 

Will scratch my end to end,

The scratch on my foot and my face are matches. 

A WITCHES CURSE AND MY CAR PASSED GAS

A witch put a curse on my transportation,

I cut her off; she followed me to the gas station,

And, when I put in gas,

To the ground it would pass,

Then, I lit up like the birthday of our nation. 

FIRE WEST

I drove my van out West to see the big fires,

I was doing real good till the heat melted my tires,

There was no turning around,

So, I took off across the ground,

But, got caught then, I burned up in some briars.

INVESTING

I was taught to invest and to save,
It was the only way to behave,
But, things are not sunny,
I lost all of my money,
Investing dug my money it's grave.

THE MONKEY IN THE CAGE LIMERICK

There was a monkey in a cage,
His incarceration filled him with rage,
If you wanted his scoop,
He’d throw at you some poop,
Interpretation: he hates this age.

VAPING AND THE MULTIVERSE DON'T MIX

A creature came from the multiverse and it was really bad,

It's secretions dissolved things like my brother, mom, and dad,

Their demise led me to almost escape,

But, I had to stop and vape,

My mom said vaping was habit forming but, I learned too late, so sad.

I COME DOWN WITH DISEASE

I went on a trip and come down with disease,

I cannot pronounce it with all the "Q"s and the "P"s,

With my ratio of lost weight,

I've confirmed an end date, 

Unless, the angels keep me going to tease.

The First Frost This Fall

On this chilled, frosty morning my red car has turned white,

My bright, beautiful garden has died overnight,

I look on with despair,

Then, decide I don't really care,

I'm climbing back into my bed to sleep tight.

LIFE BEYOND THE ROAD CONES

Way up north in Michigan beyond where the highway ends with cones,

The snow is so damn deep, it's beyond all habitable zones,

That's where I built my cabin; up on Iceberg Bay,

Where even bugs and vermin will never try to stay,

Of course, it's where trees will never grow,

So, no firewood juts through the snow,

And, a nice warm fire is really rare,

Since, all there is to burn is your own hair,

For your food you must ice fish,

There are only carp but, they fulfill my wish,

Carp are the only food upon my dish,

A price that I pay to live in far, north Mich.

To the big cities I will never flee,

I'd rather freeze and starve and embrace misery,

In the cities you are restricted where you crap and pee,

But, there's no restrictions beyond the road cones and that's called free.

No Coffee Grounds So, I'll Make Job Hunting Rounds

Oh where, oh where did my coffee grounds go?

I couldn't buy new coffee because I ran out of doe,

I need coffee before I go earn some cash,

So, I looked for grounds in the sink and in the trash,

Alas, at work I'll be fired when, I'm caught moving slow.

THE GAS GIANT

I went to a planet just made up of gas,

It was the kind that only a mean giant would pass,

I followed after the foe,

But, turned around and didn't go,

What if the giant left me a planet with mass?

TROLL FEED

Trolls thrive where humans keep their tombs,

Trolls eat on humans time exhumbs,

 For mortal bones,

Aren't held by stones,

For weather cast them out their wombs.

THE EARLY, EARLY FROST

A chill came down from the north

It froze my melons at noon August 4th,

And, all of my corn,

Had frostbite by next morn,

So, no food in my freezer I'll storeth.

RUNNY ROBBIE

About every other date, Robbie got a runny nose,

And, if he tried to ignore it, the run would drip down on his clothes,

Robbie finally, gave no care,

Hoping his date was unaware,

Until Robbie felt the run in between his toes.

REVENGE OF THE DAMNED

A beaver put up a dam,

It flooded just where I am,

Because of what he did,

It cost me many a quid,
But, some dynamite gave his dam a bam!!!

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THE LEAGUE OF ONE EYES

I play darts in the league of One Eyes,

None of us are too good; that's no surprise,

We have piercings galore,

Each game we bleed sore,

But, we're happy if nobody dies.

WHEN THE WIND BLEW MY ROADKILL

When the wind blew up the street,

It dried my roadkill, made it tough meat,

Might been bear, might been turkey,

It was hard chewing jerky,

But, the road tar made it sweet.  

SOMEONE HIT MY GARBAGE CAN TONIGHT

Someone hit my garbage can earlier tonight,

The can ruptured, the bags split and, the contents became blight,

Now, I had taken to rest,

Decided patience was best,

And, by morn my garbage had blown out of sight.

THE NIGHT BEFORE MORN

I turned my dark, night backyard into day,

With my sodium light display,

And, with my gas grill before the morn,

I toasted wieners and roasted corn,

Then, I got out my trumpet and blew that horn.

I SPEAK FEW WORDS AND UNDERSTAND FEWER

I speak few words and understand almost none,

I like animal speech because it is more fun,

Growling and biting,

Are just more exciting,

Especially, when it makes people run.

COPING WITH YOUR HYGIENE

When everyone offers you a breath mint,

While, shampoo is suggested to eliminate lint, 

And, being gifted with bar soap,

Means that you need to cope,

And, your hygiene goes beyond just a hint.

DONNY IS IN BAD SHAPE

Donny got athletes foot disease,

But, Donny was no athlete, just a political sleaze,

Of course, Donny's bowls were far worse,

A family curse,

His bowels might move or, sometimes just tease.

VELCRO: NO STRINGS ATTACHED

Velcro shoes are a safe, easy fun,

But, they are not for everyone,

Some like long strings,

Such personal things,

But, they'll send you on a trip when you run.

OH, NO ODE

I went down to the old damn where the water flowed,

It looked so awfully pretty I wanted to compose an ode,

Alas, for my ode I had no gimmick,

So, I composed a silly limerick,

And, all the critics said it was a major manure load.

WHERE DID THE PETS COME FROM?

My doggie has no pedigree; my cat came in from the wild,

My finch showed up in my bird cage one day;  his temperament is mild, 

My pet snake slithered up from the swamp one night,

My fox came from the hen house of farmer Dwight,

My rat I found out back one day where the chicken bones are piled.  

GETTING YOUR HEAD CLEAR

Although things are falling apart and the world is in a rush,

It is time to meditate and tell the world to hush,

Control that fear,

Your goal is clear,

Just remember when you're done to flush.

MY HOME COOKING SECRETS

If you cook something that no one will eat,

Cover it with gravy for a quick deceit,

If there's time to change "reject" to "devour,"

Then, deep fat fry the stuff after dipping in four,

There's always a way to make crap food a treat.

KEEP INTERNAL ORGANS FROM LIGHTENING STRIKES

A lightening bolt strike messed up my organs real bad,

It upset my stomach and I lost my lunch, just a tad,

My bladder emptied real fast,

I felt better at last,

I joined my late grandma, passed aunt and dead dad.

ORANGE IS THE COLOR OF MY TRUE LOVE'S FACE🎨

Orange is the color of my true loves face,🍊🖕

It makes them stand out and garner first place,🍔🍔🍔🍕🍕🍕🍩🍩🍩💰💰💰

If they'd only stay quiet,🐷🔇

They wouldn't incite constant riot,🎃

And, might join what is called "human race."👴👐🚽

THE KING WHO DOES NOT SHARE

The king of Mars won't share any of his beer, 

And, on planet mars all beer is dear,

So it's back to the earth,

Where I started at birth,

Where spirits are as plentiful as corn ear.

HOW I GOT OUT OF MY TIMESHARE

Out to the mailbox I chanced to bear scout,

But, never a bear I found there about,

But, a cougar made me dead

When, he bit off my head,

O.K., from my timeshare I finally got out.

I FOUND A DOLLAR ON THE FLOOR

 I found a dollar on the floor,

The one I lost the day before,

I had accused my roommate of stealing,

Which hurt his self-worth and feeling,

And, started a name calling war. 

THE PRESIDENT IS CRAZY SO I TEST HIS I.Q.

If I sum some sums each day,

I receive a stipends, a little pay,

And what sums do I do,

Well, I grade a test for I.Q.,

For presidents with minds that aren't quite O.K.

I INQUIRED THEN I WAS ACQUIRED

My portrait was hung but, it was in low regard,

It advertised a bounty for a criminal rated "hard,"

I inquired with a call,

I was met by policemen Et. Al,

I spend most of my days playing ball in the yard.

MY OVERHEATED WORKOUT TURNED COLD

During my workout I got way overheated,

So, I grabbed a cold drink and quickly I seated,

My shirt was drenched, solid wet,

I ripped it off, now I regret,

My belly is cold and my back likewise treated.

I PORT WINE DINE ON A TIC-TOC PINE

It's the rhythmic tone for which I pine,🕰

When the tic-toc chime called me to dine,🍱

My tic-toc was smashed,💔

When my roof caved and crashed,🏚

Now, I drink outdoors the cheapest port wine.🍷

WHY I CHAW

Chewing tobacco dirties my skin pores,

It gets stuck in my throat and causes night snores,

So, why do I chew?

Well, I look cooler than you,

And, that opens up those opportunity doors.

I FLEW TO CORNING AND DIED

On today's dark wicked, heated morning,

The churning sky fog was a fear felt warning,

Then, Mr. Tornado Man came here,

He broke my body that I loved dear,

And, moved my bod from Detroit to Corning.