ZEBRA APPLE PEE AIN'T FOR ME

I looked out my back window and I did see,

A zebra eating fruit from my apple tree,

He then sprayed the a-tree,

With gallons of z-pee,

I couldn't eat those apples, I just sipped my tea.

MURPHY HAS A GLOW

Mr. Murphy has a unique nose,

Although he's fifty, it still grows,

At a boxing event,

He got his big nose bent,

And after the pub, his nose glows.

THE PIXIE TRANSPORTATION PROBLEM

There was a little pixie named Mike,

He traveled my porch riding a bike,

Riding bike was the sin,

That caused the porch to cave in,

Now when Mike goes anywhere, he must hike.

UN-RETIREMENT

I once retired,

Soon in debt, I mired,

The kids, food they required,

A really warm home, I desired,

Back working, caffeinated and wired.

THE CHURCH MOUSE ATTACK

The mouse fell from the church ceiling onto my back,

It squeaked really loud, and gave a big heart attack,

I got whisked straight away,

For a hospital stay,

Although, funds and health insurance, I sadly lack.

MY HAMBURGER SHOULD MAKE ANIMAL SOUNDS

Outdoor grilled hamburgers should be almost, living tissue,

Always, when they are over grilled, that becomes an issue,

Just give a flip and a flop,

Grill marks, both bottom and top,

If you overcook my burger, bad things I will wish you.

THE VEGGIE BURGER

I bit into a big bun hamburger, but no beef was there,

I like tasting cow blood; I like my hamburger, living rare,

The burger was a veggie,

I became a tad edgy,

I threw the burger on the ground, and people gave me a stare.

EYE HOLE DIGGERS

Some ticks fell down from the heavenly, blue sky,

They fell from the dead willow tree; oh dear, my,

I ran to my hotrod,

But, no use was my bod,

I was blind, because they dug holes in each eye.

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THE END

Alive in a world of struggle and desire,

Where dreams and schemes, ends and behinds are all frost and fire,

Please forget me, not,

Desire my lot,

It has come to this ending, I must submit and retire.

Thank you, all my friends.

Leigh Collin Brandt

ROT GUT VEGETATION AND POO

I pulled a pickle from a pickle jar, and it was hairy,

I put the pickle back and went and picked a strawberry,

Produce that is hairy,

Is awful scary,

And, often hairy, scary makes for a watery poo, poo.

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BILLY GOT ITCHY

Bill penned out a song that was extraordinary, real nice,

He made the melody on his harmonica, device,

The record was a go,

And, Bill loved the cash flow,

But, he got served for divorce, because he brought home leg lice.

RICHIE HARD TIMES

He had a tic in his tock, 

And, a big rock in his sock,

He spent everyday, listening to Rosy Land Bach,

His debts started to swell,

He had nothing to sell,

Now, he spends every evening at the Boys Club & Dock.

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THE BUGS THAT ATE SAMMY FOR S'MORES

Sammy went to the beach and got covered with soars,

The bugs liked him so much, because he tasted like s'mores,

From New Years Eve till that date,

S'mores was all Sammy ate,

And, the taste sweat out through all his pores.

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PERSONAL DENTAL CARE

I bought some fluoride toothpaste that came in a white, glass jar,

I did not have to squeeze it, so I thought it would go far,

It caught me off my guard,

When the whole jar turned hard,

I now brush with baking soda; my teeth are black as tar.

I DIES BECAUSE OF BEADY BUG EYES

100 billion, billion beady eyes, were staring up at me,

That was the ugliest bug I ever saw, sitting on my knee,

Then, he spit into my mouth,

After that, things went south,

For his spit was deadly poisonous; my ashes were dumped at sea.

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TETHERBALL WARRIOR

It was nearly, half past nine,

That is prime tetherball time,

I did battle, for first place,

Then, I got whacked in the face,

Now, through a straw I must dine.

MY JUICE WAS TAINTED, WHO KNEW?

My ruby red grapefruit juice, tasted a might, tad off,

I drank just one sip, and I started hacking, cough, cough,

I was whisked far away,

For a hospital stay,

Where, I was fed coffee, toast, and some slimy brown broth.

EFFICIENCY

There once was a toilet named Mabel,

She was setup at the kitchenette table,

Now, your nostrils might rue,

You could eat and go poo,

While watching your news shows on cable.

GOLDIE AND THE SEVEN BEARS

There were seven old bears shacked-up in the woods,

They loved each other, and thought their lives was goods,

Then one cold winter day,

Goldie stopped by to play,

Goldie showed the bears dance moves, he learned in the hoods.

THE GOOD NEIGHBOR (NOT)

I bought four used tires for my Chevy pickup truck,

My neighbor had a nail gun, so I was out of luck,

The neighbor punctured each tire,

Set my whole pickup on fire,

I sued him in court, but did not get a single buck.

MARS CLOCKED PLANET EARTH

Dry mars and blue earth, went total war,

It was pretty even; the war score,

The mars great weapon rocks,

It knocked out Earther clocks,

On earth, it stays a quarter past four.

ODE TO MY SNOW COVERED SHACK ON THE HILL

My snow covered shack up on the hill,
Came crashing down upon my still,
It buried my corn, my sugar, my mash,
It even buried two cans of corned beef hash,
All I saved were some pickles; I think they're dill.

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DELETING MY CHILDHOOD APPS

I had so many downloads from the app downloading store,

I had to delete my old favs, before downloading more,

I deleted my app for Pong,

Space Invaders, Tetris and Kong,

After deleting my old games, my soul felt very poor.

THE CARNIVAL BEAR

I went to the carnival and the carnies were there,

They were all really nice, except their pet bear, 

The bear had little charm,

He bit off my right arm,

But, I look good with a prosthesis, so I don't really care.

MY TRUMPETER'S LULLABY SAID, "NIGHT, NIGHT", LONG AGO

I stored away my trumpet, for the last thirteen odd years,

I got it out to play, but it just made noise to my ears,

My lips are all soft blubber,

And my tongue, solid rubber,

I did sound much better, after I drank one million beers.

MOZART'S TOOT AND SUPPER

I went to see the Magic Flute,

It's a nice, catchy Mozart toot,

When I left, I stoped to eat,

The food smelled like fungal feet,

Then, I barfed upon my suit.

TULIPS FOR ALGERNON.

I had a big tin purple elephant, I named Algernon,

I gave Alger early spring, pink tulips, that he fell upon,

He crushed all the pretty flowers,

Broke them off from their green towers,

I tossed big Al, got a plastic fish, I called him Mastodon.

MY FOUR WISHES

I decided to give myself four wishes,

The first was that I had sparkling, clean dishes,

Next, the toilet would clean flush,

Then, I'd have a new toothbrush,

Last, I wished my crumb cake would be delicious.

THE LAST BOY TO SELL BANANAS

The last boy to sell bananas, sold them on the main city street,

He made money selling bananas, because they are good to eat,

He stole them from daddy's small store,

Then, deliveries came no more,

Bananas had gone extinct, so the boy sold pickled piggy feet.

SID THE PRAYING MANTIS

There was a Praying Mantis named Sid,
He stayed most perfectly hid,
When a bug came along,
The bug had sung it's last song,
And, Sid could feed his mom, wife and kid.

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HUGH THE MERCEDES

There was a blue Mercedes named Hugh,
He was fast and reliable too,
He worked like a charm,
He kept his owner from harm,
The owner had an attitude that blew.

Hugh was a Mercedes car,
He was driven by a movie star,
When the star drove too fast,
Hugh knew his time had past,
Hugh’s parts were sold near and far.

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POLKA DOT POT

I make the bestest, yellow polka dot clay pots,

I think it's because my brain is full of blood clots,

The whole pot is grassy green,

So, the yellow is well seen,

When done, I cook them in a kiln, it has the hots.

SCOTT, IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUNTS

Scott had ugly bugs coming out his nose,

He had even more nasties,  when he blows,

Scott was meany mean,

Even more, unclean,

Scott had odd things, growing between his toes.

BANANAS AND EGGS: ONE DOLLAR

I ate fried bananas and frog eggs, it cost me a pretty coin,

I had it forever; I stole it from a jukebox in Des Moines,

The coin was a silver dollar,

I hung it around my collar,

I spent my last dollar, to eat eggs from a froggys groin.