ALIEN UBER DRIVER HOPS

Genuine product of planet 2-Sop,

Alien to Earth but, makes circles with crop,

Yelling in language that make human ears pop,

Pretending to drink beer like an all local sop,

Residing downtown at a cheap rundown flop,

Insisting to all that it be a time cop,

Daytime making coin driving Uber, non-stop,

Eventually, walking like humans, not like rabbits that hop.

🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈🌈

WHY DO I WORK FOR LITTLE PAY AND "GO, GO, GO!"

"Why are the stakes so high when the pay is so very low?"

That's exactly what I stated when I was told to, "go, go, go!"

My boss said my frustration,

Added to his exhilaration,

And, also caused his big bonus to "grow, grow, grow!"

HOW I CURED ZOMBIE BREATH

With the zombies I grew real tight,

They even taught me how to bite,

Soon, I was their boss,

I made them use toothpaste and floss,

Now, zombie breath is a victim's delight.

THE PLIGHT OF URINAL WHITE

I painted the bathroom wall,

When I got to the urinal stall,

Because of the family's poor eyesight,

I didn't match the paint with urinal white,

Fearing in a week it wouldn't look good at all.

BARRY THE COMIC WITH BRONCHITIS LIMERICK

Barry was a comic with bronchitis so bad,
His hacking though his monologue made everyone sad,
His jokes would have been very funny,
But distracted by his hacks and nose so runny,
When the monologue was over we were glad.

SUE'S MUTINY AT SEA LIMERICK

There once was a sailor named Sue,
She planed  a mutiny at just half past two,
When the officers surrendered,
She had them dismembered,
And fed the arms and legs to the crew.

THE MIXED METAPHOR SCORE

I love to mix the metaphor,

Like shooting ducks in barrels in a row,

It makes the over educated roar,

But speaks to the minions who already know.

PSYCHOSIS AND POST-NASAL DRIP IN HAMSTERS

Harlan the hamster had post-nasal drip,
It embarrassed him so, his mind started to slip,
He thought he was a Procter,
And, a university doctor,
But, the students greeted him with a flip.

THE GALAXY CALLED NORM

As the toilet swirls so, goes the galaxy called Norm,

Often you can see it after an evening thunderstorm,

And, if in that galaxy you wish to be,

It takes four batteries labeled "D",

You'll  also need a flashlight to travel in photon form. 

  

SUMMER HOLIDAY WEATHER FICTION PREDICTION

I spent lot's of money for a cookout outside,
I chose the Forth for showing national pride,
I relied on the weather prediction,
But it turned out to be fiction,
We were cramped in my '24 double-wide.

DECORATION DAY

On this Decoration Day,

I have to eat my curds and whey,

To attend parades without delay,

And traffic laws I can still obey,

So out of jail, today I'll stay.

THE ROOF CAVED IN ON MY TRAILER

It's roof has had a big failure, complete,

So it's no going back to the trailer to eat,

I guess I'll be camping outside,

And will have to swallow my pride,

And spray down my whole body with Deet. 

HOTDOG COOKOUT

My cookout hotdogs are looking quite mean,

They have spots that are brown and growths that are green,

But, the guests for the lunch,

I will pickle with punch,

Then, condiments will hide the crime scene.

The spoiled hotdogs I served have made guests really boom,

I wish I'd installed that second bathroom,

And, because of a close Redi Med,

There's just 8 dizzy, 3 dead,

I think the dizzy ones ate some local mushroom. 

THE FABLE OF THE SLOB WITH NO JOB

My IRS tax bill was amazingly tall,

Even though, my paycheck revenue was extremely small,

So, I quit my old job,

To stay at home, be a slob,

Then the bill collectors started to call.

MORAL:  

While thinking you've out thought the system is cool,

BUT YOU CAN'T!

That's why they call it a "system,"  you fool.    

I CHEESED AND CHEESED

I cheesed and cheesed my lettuce salad mix,

It still tasted bad, so I tried a bacon bits fix,

I got tired of messing,

So I dumped on the dressing,

And reserved it for supper at six.

THE SPICE CHEF

There once was a chef named Gill,

The only spice he used was dill,

But then he tried basil,

Which tickled his nasal,

And paprika even gave him a thrill.

TEN TIMES PLUS THRICE

I'm afraid I feel not nice,

Because my hair has a load of lice,

I bought lice poo; paid big price,

Poo not work; shaved head; ate rice,

I've now had lice ten times plus thrice.

FIRST WEEK OF JUNE LIMERICK

The first week of June has started off with a storm,
And, isn't this the month when it's supposed to get warm?
But, by the feel of the breeze,
Methinks it might freeze,
I can see in the rain the ice crystals form.

BUG BITES AND THE DISAPPEARED

The bugs in the basement are on the crawl,

Soon to be upstairs in the little potty stall,

Then they sneak into the bed,

Bitting from toes to the head,

Biting and biting, until there's no body left at all.

THE HOUND OF THE NORTH VILLES

My local homemade hotdogs we call hounds,

They taste really good and they sure put on the pounds,

They give down staters a pause,

Our hounds bite back and have claws,

And when you pass gas you'll hear the hound sounds.

MY AIR CONDITIONER

My air conditioner blew up with a boom, 
Now it’s hotter than Hades in my room, 
There’s no ice in the freezer, 
To cool off this geezer, 
I’m afraid this heat wave is my doom.

AUF WIEDERSEHEN TO MAY

Auf Wiedersehen to May,

While a volcano spits away,

And, the suns getting hotter,

Dried ponds for the otter,

While polar bears move onto the clay,

Auf Wiedersehen to May,

The glaciers slide into the bay,

Migrationers don't fly,

And, the west lands go dry,

May June bring a much wetter day.

DANCE OF THE WATER SPIDER

The water spider was really silly,

He teased a mama fish named Millie,

When Millie was about,

The spider danced above her snout,

Until the mama fish felt hungry and killy.

THE DRONE MESSAGES

I was sending messages using a drone,
It was cheaper and cooler than maintaining a phone,
It saved really big bucks,
Then flew over hunters for ducks,

All that's left is the tale and nose-cone.

I HUNTED THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER NEAR LAKE MICHIGAN

By Tim Colin
Associate Editor
Humor News Nuts Publications

Skegemog Lake is located in Northern Michigan and is visible from highway U.S. 72. Much of the lake is surrounded by a protected natural habitat hiking area which is famous for the abundance of Michigan rattlesnakes. Rattlesnakes do not usually bother people but, they do not like to be stepped on. Someone once told me that the venom of the Michigan Rattlesnake is fifty times more powerful than most other rattlesnakes so, it must really hurt if you get bit.

A few days ago I read on the Internet that the rattlesnakes in Skegemog Lake have been hard to find lately. In addition, fishing has also been really poor there recently. When I talked about this at the bar yesterday a man from Midland Michigan said that the reason the fish and snakes are disappearing is because of the giant snapping turtles that live in the lake. One in particular is a monster that is over 20 feet long and is known by locals as “Old Skeggey”.I asked the man from Midland Michigan how he knew so much about the problem in Skegemog Lake. He said that he was a turtleolgist (someone who studies turtles). He introduced himself as Bugzy and said he’d be willing to mount an expedition to find Old Skeggey if I would put up the $15.00 to rent a canoe. I agreed to his terms and the next morning we were standing on the shore of Lake Skegemog with our aluminum canoe. I had my brother Mike accompany us because if we found Old Skeggey we were going to try to put a large fish net over it. I figured we could use an extra hand to haul in a giant snapper.

As we neared the center of the lake we noticed lightning off in the distance. The clouds were really black and the storm seemed to be moving in our direction. My brother Mike was concerned that we might get hit because we were in an aluminum canoe. However, Bugzy said that the aluminum would conduct the lightning bolts away from our body and we were much safer than if we were in a fiberglass canoe. Besides, the fiberglass canoes were an extra $5.00 to rent for the day.

Mike also wondered why we did not have a more substantial boat to go after such a large monster. Bugzy pointed out that a canoe is more maneuverable than a large boar and we could get right up near shore if we had to. Besides, if a canoe is flipped over it is easy to flip it right side up. A larger boat would be nearly impossible to flip quickly and with rattlesnakes and giant turtles in the water, you want to get back in the boat as fast as possible if it flips. Bugzy further stated that he knew what he was doing because he was a scientist with a background in turtleology. With such credentials how could anyone argue with Bugzy?

Just as the black thunderheads started to roll in and rain began to sprinkle down, some large, massive saucer shaped object soared past us at no more than three feet away. The thing must have been 20 feet long. When the object got about twenty feet away, a head popped up and turned an eye back at us then, the head went back under the waves. The waves were getting bigger as the wind increased. The sky had turned totally black and the rain was wiping down on us as we sat in the middle Skegemog Lake.

Lightning bolts came down like spider legs all along the shore. My Brother Mikes’ hair became really kinky like he just had one of grandma’s permanents. Then, suddenly, the entire canoe was raised out of the water and we found ourselves traveling on top of the giant snapping turtle. He swam toward the shoreline at the speed of a motor boat. Mike and I just sat still hoping the thing was not going to eat us once we were closer to shore. Bugzy was busy pulling up the fish net we had laying in the canoe. I figured our turtleologist must have a plan to save us from certain death.

When our canoe was just about 50 feet from shore Old Skeggy sank down like a submarine and our canoe went riding off into shallow water. Mike and I jumped out of the canoe and ran for our lives until we reached shore. We turned around to see Bugzy with his net, trying to ensnare Old Skeggey. Bugzy managed to get the net over Old Skeggey but, the turtle used his beak to slice through the net and swam off to deeper water. Bugzy walked slowly up to the shore with his head held low. He was so dejected that Old Skeggy had gotten away when we were so close to capturing him. Just as Bugzy stepped on shore the canoe was hit by several bolts of lightning at once and exploded. The orange glowing metal pieces feel back into the lake and sizzled as they sank to the bottom.

Mike was the first to speak and said that he thought Old Skeggey had saved our lives. Bugzy did not say another word until we had a couple of beers at the bar. Then he told us that he was going to give up turtleology and become a truck driver. Bugzy said that he had been a truck driver until Tuesday. That was the day he decided he would try being a turtleologist.

The only thing good about this adventure for me is that I did not end up paying a fine or having to do community service which, seems to be my usual reward for being curious about the out of doors and life in general. I did have to pay $300 to the canoe rental business for failing to take better care of the canoe.

We did not get bit by any rattlesnakes but, there is a giant snapping turtle in Skegemog Lake. I do not think he was trying to hurt us and in fact, he may have saved us. I also learned that turtleologist don’t know anything about lightning strikes. I leaned that just because someone is a genius in one scientific field it does not mean they know anything about any of the other sciences.

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EXPLOITED DOCK WORKER

I put the docks in the lake on May Day and I really felt the freeze,

Ice water down to my footsies with polar winds above my knees,

Exploited labourer am I,

On this May Day I shall cry,

I work alone since when work arrives everybody leaves.

DRINKING TEA AND DANCING ON A SHIP THAT'S GOING DOWN

Open on the sea,

Was where Huntley wanted to be,

In is twelve foot long dingy,

Filled with water to the knee,

Still, Huntley danced a gig with glee, while drinking camomile tea.

BARTLEBY THE CRIBNER

Bartleby liked to stay in a baby crib,
He had a baby bottle, blanket and bib,
He once ran a bank,
It went into the tank,
At sixty he couldn't take any one's rib.

A SERIOUSLY STUPID RHYME

One little bug flew up my nose,

He ate into my brain I guess, I suppose,

Another little but entered my eye,

He got stuck in my eyeball and then he couldn't fly,

Then a pair of squirrels came down from a tree,

Why they circled the ground was a mystery,

Then they gathered some cigarette butts,

They took the butts home to smoke their walnuts,

DAVID AND THE TALKING TOE DIMPLE

David had dimple on his little bitty toe,
And that dimple deepened as his toe began to grow,
Then that dimple started to really talk,
Which gave David pause to walk,
For each step the dimple shouted "Ouch! Ouch! WOE!!!"

I AM A LITTLE BLOGGER LIVING ON THE MOON

I am a little blogger living on the moon,
I like munching on potato chips, then go sleep all afternoon,
I like to blog about that and this,
I brag about the ones I kiss,
And rate SCFI movies like Trek and Dune.

COMFORT FOOD EXAMPLES

It matters not if you're a dudess or dude,

We all desire our comfort food,

It could be ice cream and cake,

Or beans that you bake,

Or pasta that changes the mood.

THE ITSY BITSY SONG REVISED

An itsy bitsy glider flew up my brother's snout,

He blew his nose real hard but, the glider wouldn't come out,

My brother then snorted up some pepper and blew out the glider and half his brains,

Then, the itzy, bitzy glider flew up his snout again. 

THE SQUAT TROT

In a tent on an abandoned lot,

I found me a place to squat,

I thought the living would be free,

But it weren't meant to be,

The owners chased me off; made me trot.

I LOST MY GIGABYTES

With final exams coming I had straight A's in my sight's,
Then my brain suddenly lost all of it's gigabytes,
Was it the brownies or, maybe the iced tea?
No, I think it was the vodka that was no good for me,

So what if I flunk out of college and have to stay home,
From what better base can I romp and I roam,
Dad is always out working and mom's watching the little kids,
No one to pay attention to my does and my dids.

I USE TO LIKE TO WASH WITH SOAP

I use to really love to wash with soap,
Then I'd break out and feel like a dope,
There were more than just dimples,
There were millions of pimples,
I still don't know how that I should cope.

TEN LITTLE MINNOWS: THE NOSE POEM

Ten little minnows nibbled on my toes,

I thought nothing of it until their number rose,

When I went to swim to shore,

There were a million minnows more,

All that made it to the shoreline was my nose.

TO SIT IN THE WRONG PLACE LIMERICK

I laid down two pillows to sit on the floor,
Unfortunately, I sat way too close to the door,
The door slammed into my back,
And my spine went crack, crack,
Now I can’t lie down because my back is so soar.

TILT CAMPING, HURRAY

"Tilt Camping", is camping on the steep side of a hill,

The tilt in that world gives us vet campers a thrill,

There is common wash outs from rain,

And rolling downhill logs causing pain,

There are many ways nature hunts for a kill.

THE SWEATY SALMON SAGA

There once was a big red salmon named Strange Betty,
She was the only fish whose under-fins got sweaty,
She tried underarm cream,
Before swimming upstream,
But, she was smelled-out and ate by a Yettie.
 

BAD DAY AT THE BEACH POEM

First a turtle bit my toe, 
And the pain filled me with woe, 
Then a rattle snake bit my shin,
And he pumped some poison in,
A large shark bit my thigh, 
And the pain made me cry, 
Then bird droppings fell on my head,
That’s what sent me home to bed.

AN EXERCISE THAT MADE ME UNFIT

I was fit as a fiddle until I ran down the street,

I thought I'd get a run in before I went to eat,

But, I tripped over my feet,   

And, by the pavement got beat,

Now, I drink through a straw; what a treat!

ROOFTOP TOAD HAIKU

 Rooftop toad,

Hot sun, hot tar, Oh!

Stuck warts and all but, nice view.

 

CANNED FROM THE BAND

I was marching down the road in a band,

When the wind blew and I was covered with sand,

It plugged the hole in my trombone,

Which gave me a crazy tone,

Hence, the band director said I was canned.

THE BALLAD OF DAN DE VILLE

There was a grasshopper named Dan De Ville,
He would hop from hill to hill,
He gave all the girls quite the thrill,
When he'd preen himself on a window sill,

Dan De Ville was quite vain,
To the point he was insane,
He jumped in front of a train,
They say he never felt a pain.

THE PROMISE I COULD NOT KEEP

I googled and googled and googled one day,
To find my best bud in high school,
Old lizard lips Clay,
I found him not in a very good way,

Old lizard lips was buried two miles from town,
I got in my rust bucket to go visit the clown,
I found the spot where he took his dirt nap,
With respect I pulled off my Detroit Red Wings cap,

I brought Old Clay a six pack of beer,
Just to let him know his old buddy was here,
I was glad that an old shade tree was very near,
So, I sat down for a while and shed one great big tear,

We conversed for a while,
Clay didn’t talk too much,
Before Leaving I promised,
That I’d keep in touch,

That was the last time I visited my high school bud Clay,
I haven’t been back there to visit to this very day,
For I had a bad accident on my way back to town,
They buried me ten miles from that lizard lipped clown.

TIM AND MIKE PLAYED LAWN JARTS OUTSIDE

Tim and Mike played lawn jarts outside,
Hitting the target gave a great since of pride,
But neither was a stranger,
For lawn jarts are a danger,
Still, poor Mike got stuck in the side.

MY WHISKERS AND THE FLUTE TOOT

I got all dressed up in my finest suit,

I played all night on my piccolo flute,

Then it got very scary,

Because my face was so hairy,

My whiskers flopped flat my last toot. 

GREGG USED A VACUUM TO CLEAN OUT HIS EARS

Gregg used a vacuum to clean out his ears,

It sucked out his brains and brought his eyes to tears,

Now, just a zombie remains,

As Gregg seeks other's brains,

He should settle for some chips and some beers.
 

FROM: THE LIVING BAIT FISHERMAN

Minnow bucket full,
Too many, no breath, tragedy,
Error, no live bait.

BERT GOT GORED IN THE KEIST LIMERICK

Bert had a big buck chase him through the dell,
He tried to cry out but his throat would not yell,
Bert got gored by the beast,
Through the lower part of his keist,
Why he sits on his knees he won’t tell.

A NANTUCKET LIMERICK

Sometimes you feel you should write rhymes with Nantucket,
I thought so today and then I said "Duck It",
Who likes the East anyway?
I will visit not stay,
I'd rather be home with my beer in a bucket.

SAMMY'S SANDCASTLE AND THE BUILDING CODE LIMERICK

Sammy's sandcastle was not built to code,
He ignored the inspectors and didn't strengthen the load,
The load did not bear,
The sand fell everywhere,
Now, Sammy lives under the bridge in the road.

I PLAYED GOLF AND RAN OUT OF GREEN

I played golf and I ran out of green,
7 holes left but, no money machine,
They'll be no caddy tip,
My beer tab I must skip,
I must sneak off of the golf course unseen.

STUBED BIG TOE HAIKU

Stubed big toe,pain,ouch!
Coffee table TV close,
Furniture makes move.

A LIMERICK ABOUT NOEL

Noel's breath smelled like his sweaty toes, 

And that was the very least of his woes,

His spaceships would never fly,

His car batteries would mostly die,

And no one made him noodles shaped like bows.

RUSS AND HIS GOLD TOOTH LIMERICK

Russ had a front tooth that was gold,
Russ would smile and display his tooth bold,
A thief punched Russ in the face,
The tooth fell out of place,
The thief took the tooth to be sold.

THE WIND BLEW DOWN ALL THE TREES

The wind blew down all the trees,
It brought big men down on their knees,
The great thunder popped,
The windstorm stopped,
Then you could walk where you pleased.

MORRIS THE GANGSTER HAD ONE PRETTY SHOE

Morris had a pretty shoe,

He had only one, but needed two,

So he planted his shoe deep,

Then two shoes he did reap,

And both Morris wears around with his crew.

LARD LOST HIS CHARD

It hailed upon my head so hard,

It made me puke up my Swiss chard,

They was diet greens

To untighten my jeans,

So I'd no longer have the moniker, "Lard".