BARTLEBY THE CRIBNER

Bartleby liked to stay in a baby crib,
He had a baby bottle, blanket and bib,
He once ran a bank,
It went into the tank,
At sixty he couldn't take any one's rib.

A SERIOUSLY STUPID RHYME

One little bug flew up my nose,

He ate into my brain I guess, I suppose,

Another little but entered my eye,

He got stuck in my eyeball and then he couldn't fly,

Then a pair of squirrels came down from a tree,

Why they circled the ground was a mystery,

Then they gathered some cigarette butts,

They took the butts home to smoke their walnuts,

DAVID AND THE TALKING TOE DIMPLE

David had dimple on his little bitty toe,
And that dimple deepened as his toe began to grow,
Then that dimple started to really talk,
Which gave David pause to walk,
For each step the dimple shouted "Ouch! Ouch! WOE!!!"

I AM A LITTLE BLOGGER LIVING ON THE MOON

I am a little blogger living on the moon,
I like munching on potato chips, then go sleep all afternoon,
I like to blog about that and this,
I brag about the ones I kiss,
And rate SCFI movies like Trek and Dune.

COMFORT FOOD EXAMPLES

It matters not if you're a dudess or dude,

We all desire our comfort food,

It could be ice cream and cake,

Or beans that you bake,

Or pasta that changes the mood.

THE ITSY BITSY SONG REVISED

An itsy bitsy glider flew up my brother's snout,

He blew his nose real hard but, the glider wouldn't come out,

My brother then snorted up some pepper and blew out the glider and half his brains,

Then, the itzy, bitzy glider flew up his snout again. 

THE SQUAT TROT

In a tent on an abandoned lot,

I found me a place to squat,

I thought the living would be free,

But it weren't meant to be,

The owners chased me off; made me trot.

I LOST MY GIGABYTES

With final exams coming I had straight A's in my sight's,
Then my brain suddenly lost all of it's gigabytes,
Was it the brownies or, maybe the iced tea?
No, I think it was the vodka that was no good for me,

So what if I flunk out of college and have to stay home,
From what better base can I romp and I roam,
Dad is always out working and mom's watching the little kids,
No one to pay attention to my does and my dids.

I USE TO LIKE TO WASH WITH SOAP

I use to really love to wash with soap,
Then I'd break out and feel like a dope,
There were more than just dimples,
There were millions of pimples,
I still don't know how that I should cope.

TEN LITTLE MINNOWS: THE NOSE POEM

Ten little minnows nibbled on my toes,

I thought nothing of it until their number rose,

When I went to swim to shore,

There were a million minnows more,

All that made it to the shoreline was my nose.

TO SIT IN THE WRONG PLACE LIMERICK

I laid down two pillows to sit on the floor,
Unfortunately, I sat way too close to the door,
The door slammed into my back,
And my spine went crack, crack,
Now I can’t lie down because my back is so soar.

TILT CAMPING, HURRAY

"Tilt Camping", is camping on the steep side of a hill,

The tilt in that world gives us vet campers a thrill,

There is common wash outs from rain,

And rolling downhill logs causing pain,

There are many ways nature hunts for a kill.

THE SWEATY SALMON SAGA

There once was a big red salmon named Strange Betty,
She was the only fish whose under-fins got sweaty,
She tried underarm cream,
Before swimming upstream,
But, she was smelled-out and ate by a Yettie.
 

BAD DAY AT THE BEACH POEM

First a turtle bit my toe, 
And the pain filled me with woe, 
Then a rattle snake bit my shin,
And he pumped some poison in,
A large shark bit my thigh, 
And the pain made me cry, 
Then bird droppings fell on my head,
That’s what sent me home to bed.

AN EXERCISE THAT MADE ME UNFIT

I was fit as a fiddle until I ran down the street,

I thought I'd get a run in before I went to eat,

But, I tripped over my feet,   

And, by the pavement got beat,

Now, I drink through a straw; what a treat!

ROOFTOP TOAD HAIKU

 Rooftop toad,

Hot sun, hot tar, Oh!

Stuck warts and all but, nice view.

 

CANNED FROM THE BAND

I was marching down the road in a band,

When the wind blew and I was covered with sand,

It plugged the hole in my trombone,

Which gave me a crazy tone,

Hence, the band director said I was canned.

THE BALLAD OF DAN DE VILLE

There was a grasshopper named Dan De Ville,
He would hop from hill to hill,
He gave all the girls quite the thrill,
When he'd preen himself on a window sill,

Dan De Ville was quite vain,
To the point he was insane,
He jumped in front of a train,
They say he never felt a pain.

THE PROMISE I COULD NOT KEEP

I googled and googled and googled one day,
To find my best bud in high school,
Old lizard lips Clay,
I found him not in a very good way,

Old lizard lips was buried two miles from town,
I got in my rust bucket to go visit the clown,
I found the spot where he took his dirt nap,
With respect I pulled off my Detroit Red Wings cap,

I brought Old Clay a six pack of beer,
Just to let him know his old buddy was here,
I was glad that an old shade tree was very near,
So, I sat down for a while and shed one great big tear,

We conversed for a while,
Clay didn’t talk too much,
Before Leaving I promised,
That I’d keep in touch,

That was the last time I visited my high school bud Clay,
I haven’t been back there to visit to this very day,
For I had a bad accident on my way back to town,
They buried me ten miles from that lizard lipped clown.

TIM AND MIKE PLAYED LAWN JARTS OUTSIDE

Tim and Mike played lawn jarts outside,
Hitting the target gave a great since of pride,
But neither was a stranger,
For lawn jarts are a danger,
Still, poor Mike got stuck in the side.

MY WHISKERS AND THE FLUTE TOOT

I got all dressed up in my finest suit,

I played all night on my piccolo flute,

Then it got very scary,

Because my face was so hairy,

My whiskers flopped flat my last toot. 

GREGG USED A VACUUM TO CLEAN OUT HIS EARS

Gregg used a vacuum to clean out his ears,

It sucked out his brains and brought his eyes to tears,

Now, just a zombie remains,

As Gregg seeks other's brains,

He should settle for some chips and some beers.
 

FROM: THE LIVING BAIT FISHERMAN

Minnow bucket full,
Too many, no breath, tragedy,
Error, no live bait.

BERT GOT GORED IN THE KEIST LIMERICK

Bert had a big buck chase him through the dell,
He tried to cry out but his throat would not yell,
Bert got gored by the beast,
Through the lower part of his keist,
Why he sits on his knees he won’t tell.

A NANTUCKET LIMERICK

Sometimes you feel you should write rhymes with Nantucket,
I thought so today and then I said "Duck It",
Who likes the East anyway?
I will visit not stay,
I'd rather be home with my beer in a bucket.

SAMMY'S SANDCASTLE AND THE BUILDING CODE LIMERICK

Sammy's sandcastle was not built to code,
He ignored the inspectors and didn't strengthen the load,
The load did not bear,
The sand fell everywhere,
Now, Sammy lives under the bridge in the road.

I PLAYED GOLF AND RAN OUT OF GREEN

I played golf and I ran out of green,
7 holes left but, no money machine,
They'll be no caddy tip,
My beer tab I must skip,
I must sneak off of the golf course unseen.

STUBED BIG TOE HAIKU

Stubed big toe,pain,ouch!
Coffee table TV close,
Furniture makes move.

A LIMERICK ABOUT NOEL

Noel's breath smelled like his sweaty toes, 

And that was the very least of his woes,

His spaceships would never fly,

His car batteries would mostly die,

And no one made him noodles shaped like bows.

RUSS AND HIS GOLD TOOTH LIMERICK

Russ had a front tooth that was gold,
Russ would smile and display his tooth bold,
A thief punched Russ in the face,
The tooth fell out of place,
The thief took the tooth to be sold.

THE WIND BLEW DOWN ALL THE TREES

The wind blew down all the trees,
It brought big men down on their knees,
The great thunder popped,
The windstorm stopped,
Then you could walk where you pleased.

MORRIS THE GANGSTER HAD ONE PRETTY SHOE

Morris had a pretty shoe,

He had only one, but needed two,

So he planted his shoe deep,

Then two shoes he did reap,

And both Morris wears around with his crew.

LARD LOST HIS CHARD

It hailed upon my head so hard,

It made me puke up my Swiss chard,

They was diet greens

To untighten my jeans,

So I'd no longer have the moniker, "Lard".

BEWARE THE GNOMES

If you walk by a house with gnomes in the yard,
Then you'd better walk faster and be on your guard,
For gnomes have but one goal,
It is to steal your poor soul,
And, eat your flesh which they cook till it's chard.

A MARTIAN'S ADVICE FOR A LONG LIFE LIMERICK

A Martian landed on earth,
He had a gigantic girth,
He said, “Earthlings are so skinny,
That’s why your life spans are mini,
Martians live about one million years from birth."

I DID NOT FRECKLE WELL

I fear my face has been Dr. Jeckeled,
I went to bed with clear skin and woke up all freckled,
And, the great change in my face,
Has my friends on my case,
For all the rest of the day I was heckled.

THE PURPLE TEARDROP OF BLOOD

I bought a trinket to wear dangled downed,

It was a purple teardrop, at a rummage sale found,

But when I pierced it through my nose,

I got blood on my cloths,

Now I am hospital bound.

PETS NOT AND SNOT

The ground was all frosty, and Benny's nose filled with snot,

It was a day dear Benny, wished he had forgot,

For a big tired truck,

Hit Benny's pet duck,

For pets, Benny was now a have not.

A PANCAKE GRIDDLE NAMED FRED

There once was a pancake griddle named Fred,
Old Fred made pancakes from breakfast till bed,
Then, real late one spring afternoon,
Fred fell in love with a young batter spoon,
Soon the old griddle and the young spoon were wed.

MY TARDY PAYMENTS LIMERICK

My payments on my credit cardy,

Gain me late fees for I am often tardy,

And, though on debts I muse,

Still in the end just loose,

Just wish my paycheck was a bit more hardy.

 

I'D TILL THE PLACE UNDER IF MY TILLER HAD TINES

May is the month to rake needles from the pines,
In May my lawn fills with gross dandelions,
In May my garden fills with weeds,
When I plant the birds eat the seeds,
I'd till the place under if my tiller had tines.

GOT FIRED AGAIN HAIKU

Donut baker job,
I sampled often, boss mad,
No profits, No job.

Fast food, "order please",
Mix up order, wrong change, bad,
Rude guest, rude back, gone.

VICTOR WATCHED THE FIREFLIES LIMERICK

Victor watched the fireflies at night,
He was fascinated by their blinking light,
Victor was not one who thinks,
He just liked those blinky blinks,
Victor was himself, not very bright.

TADPOLES GOT TALENT

Tadpoles, tadpoles swimming in my deep, muddy ditch,

Soon you'll be a choir when, in puberty you'll find your pitch,

But at least all of you frogs,

Won't bark all night like dogs,

And if you're pretty and sound real nice, you might even become rich.

MY ASPARAGUS DITCH HARVEST

In farm ditches there doth dwell,
Wild asparagus to pick and sell,
But, one fine day,
Old farmer May,
Greeted me with rock-salt from hell.

BERT AND THE PAIL ALE

Bert went to pick up a plastic pail,
Bert had been drinking way too much ale,
Bert slipped and he fell,
Now all is not well,
Bert has a badly busted up tail.

Bert liked to keep his ale in a pail,
He bought 40oz bottles when they were on sale,
He'd drink beer like punch,
For breakfast and lunch,
By dinner he'd sing and regale.

FOUR WITCHES, A BROOM AND A BEAR

Four witches fight over a broom,

They each want to take it zoom, zoom,

Then, along comes this bear,

He grabs the broom, holds it in a dare,

Then, he rides it off into the sunset vroom, vroom. 

THE CURSE OF SPIDERS

In my trailer by the bay,
The menacing spiders won't go away,
The spiders bit upon my lip,
Upon my fingers, belly, hip,
The curse of spiders and I obey.

MY RICH UNCLE BOUGHT AN IMMORTALITY MACHINE

My rich uncle bought an immortality machine,
I am sure that he did so because he is mean,
My inheritance is gone,
And all my stuff I must pawn,
While my uncle lives forever it would seem.

FITTY WAS WITTY BUT NOT WITH HIS NUTS

There was a squirrel named Fitty,

His contemporaries thought he was witty,

But, he picked his nuts way too green,

His belly ached nasty and mean,

Instead of accolades, he only got pity.
 

THE SURVIVALIST POEM

I decided to be a survivalist,
So, I moved out to live under the stars,
But, there is just this tiny little twist,
I happen to be living on Mars,

The air on Mars is not so good,
And, there isn't much to eat,
And, good luck finding firewood,
A drop of water is a treat,

Perhaps I'll move to another place, 
To show I have a survivalist pattern,
I won't give up and show disgrace,
Instead, how challenging could be Saturn?  

MY OLD CAR I CANNOT TRUST

My old car I cannot trust,
The engine belches out green dust,
And when it's running you had better pray,
That it will stop somewhere, someway.

Many say it needs new brakes,
Maybe valves or air intakes,
My own concern is for the driver's door,
It is missing like the floor,

JIM'S ROTTEN POTATOES

The taters Jim raised have all become rotten,
He stored them last fall and they were forgotten,
He stored them under his bunk,
Where they stink like a skunk,
He still ate them and now he's gone trottin'.

IT'S NOT DANDRUFF IF IT'S MOVING

It's not dandruff if it is moving,

If back and forth the spots are grooving,

Best call for some pest extermination,

Or, your scalp will house a new generation,

While, poison resistance keeps improving.

DON'T MARRY A YETI OR YOU MAY END UP SPAGHETTI

Bob the lumberjack married Betty,

She was a Northern Canadian Yeti,

Although, Betty loved Bob from her heart,

She tore his torso apart, 

For meat to flavor spaghetti. 

DENISE AND BACON LIMERICKS

There was a girl named Denise,
Her favorite food was bacon grease,
As for the bacon,
She found it chewy and forsaken,
But the tasty aspects of grease gave her peace.

Denise loved her bacon grease it is true,
She liked to sniff it like model airplane glue,
With her sister's she'd wage war,
During breakfast and times more,
Denise loved bacon grease rancid or new.

MOLDS AND SPORES

My home is full of poisonous molds and spores,

The county condemned it and padlocked my doors,

So, I was moved to the coup,

The one with chickens and poop,

I guess it's cleaner to live on dirt floors.

THE ECLIPSE OF THE BLOODY RED MOON

I and my love were engaged, doing spoon,

When we were frightened by that bloody, red moon,

We both wet our britches,

Before we leaped into ditches,

Then the moon disappeared, none too soon.

MY PUPPY NAMED DUMPY LIMERICK

There was a puppy named Dumpy,
He got that name because his owner was grumpy,
But, Dumpy had a great disposition,
That got Dumpy an executive position,
The success of Dumpy made his owner real jumpy.

A LUNAR ECLIPSE LIMERICK

I once saw a lunar eclipse the moon,

The lunar was big, ugly like a baboon, 

He swallowed the moon whole,

Then scratched off a face mole,

Then he spit the moon out, half past noon.