BIG MEAN SISTER SHOULD BE NICER

My meanest, biggest sister pushed toward the door,

Stumbling, I slipped and slapped my face on the floor,

It made such a mess,

Bloodied my new dress,

I won't make you sick, with the rest of the gore.

MY FAMILY MAKES ME SO SICK I WON'T EAT

Jerry the rabbit is always picking his big nose,

He picks and he picks, until the red blood freely flows,

He does it at the dinner table,

It makes my appetite, disable,

And, my pet monkey Trish, eats the jams between her toes.

MOMMY DIDN'T LIKE THE GOAL OF THE TROLL

My sister was dating a troll,

Making more trolls, was his only goal,

Mommy chased him away,

With her special stare-ray,

That cut into his dark, ugly soul.

KIMMY CAT GUARDS THE WORLD, FROM EVIL

I created me, a new tin foil hat,

So the government won't know where I sat,

My two year old sister, Sinister,

Is a government minister,

Lucky I'm guarded by Kimmy, my cat.

THE TWO WHACK JOBS GOT MARRIED

Dave was what you would call, extremely mecurial,

For ladies, he was not parental material,

Dave carried reject pain,

In his unsettled brain,

Then married capricious 3rd cousin, Merial.   

TALK ABOUT A BAD SANTA

Santa's at the beach and he's having lots of summer fun,

He left Mrs. Santa at home; he's with a special hon,

But an age difference he fears,

About 20,000 years,

And Santa's new young lady, shows she's baking him a bun.

THE ALPHA MALE AND HIS TINY THINGS

I do not like bacteria, I do not like them one and all,

They make my belly really sick, and make my little sister ball,

Daddy brings them home from work,

He won't wash his hands, the drunken jerk,

He claims he's an alpha male, and bacteria is their card of call.

ICE CREAM ENVY

I wanted an ice cream cone, but they make me look fat,

So I had my little bro eat one, while I watched and sat,

With delicious surprise,

The first lick, twinkled his eyes,

So I took the ice cream cone, and made it into his hat.

UNCLE DALE'S TOE NAILS AND BURGERS

I made me a burger but it was a food fail,

When I bit into the meat I found a toenail, 

Couldn't tell from which creature,

Came the unsightly bod feature,

But nearby were nail clippers, belonging to Dale.

RATS MADE MY TOILET ACCESSIBLE ANYTIME.

The filth in my house gives my house an A+ rat rating,

That's why I'm left home alone, with my family vacating,

With the rats I'll share,

My food pantry laid bare,

A win, win, for now I'll have the bathroom without waiting.

MY KITH AND KIN FINALLY GOT SOME BRAINS BETWEEN 'EM

I was attacked by zombies, and they were my kith and kin,

They opened my head, ate my brains like sardines in a tin,

Fed kids who were poor,

The old ones who snore,

All were satisfied by me, as I fed them their din, din.

FOLLOW THE YELLOW, SICK TOAD

Some guy got lost way out in my woods,

We robbed him, we were dressed with yellow hoods,

I told him, "follow my bro, The Toad",

"He knows the way to the main road,

Toad is always sick, because he don't bath like he shoulds."

THE KIDS FINALLY LEFT HOME

I am afraid my trailer ain't rolling nowhere,

It got ripped right in half by a huge grisly bear,

The bear ate the kids, 

Methinks that's good-rids,

They were both in their forties, had no job and didn't care.

It's Christmas, And There Ain't No Pleasing My Kid

I went out and found a Christmas tree,

It stood straight and tall, at 6'3"

I sawed it down,

Hauled it back to town,

My kid, she insisted I set it free.

BENNY'S BAD HABIT

Benny had a bad habit in his head,
He liked to eat fish sticks while lying in bed,
Later, the fish stick debris would smell,
Which with family didn't go well,
So, Benny was exiled from the house to the shed.

GOLD STAR DIRT, EXCEPT FOR BURT

They say we're all made of gold star dirt,

Maybe that's true, except for my cousin, Burt,

For what within he has got,

Mostly resembles green snot,

And Burt's ex says Bert is a pervert.

PORCH PIRATES ARE REAL, AND THEY KNOW HOW TO STEAL

I caught a porch pirate stealing and he laughed and said, "Aye, Aye,"

Then he grabbed all my packages, and ran saying, "Bye, Bye,"

Then he got into his car,

Drove off to lands distant and far,

I then told all the family, and they went "Cry, Cry."

MY SISTER GIVES HAIRCUTS

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear,
She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer,
Or when she gets through,
You'll know nightmares come true,
Unless,  away from your reflection you steer.

THE MUM SUM LIMERICK

There was this person, a mum,

She had troubles doing a subtraction or sum,

She counted her kids more than thrice,

Made 6 Bowles of beans &  fried rice,

The kids she missed summing, got gum.

THE ITSY BITSY SONG REVISED

An itsy bitsy glider flew up my brother's snout,

He blew his nose real hard but, the glider wouldn't come out,

My brother then snorted up some pepper and blew out the glider and half his brains,

Then, the itzy, bitzy glider flew up his snout again.