THE GLITTER QUITTER CRITTER

Got me some eye makeup and glitter,

To make a new selfie for Twitter,

Made many fans bitter,

They called me a dimwiter,

I canceled my account, because I'm also a quitter.

ME AND TOAD GOT SNOWED

On the first day of May it snowed,

On the second day it blowed,

I did not care,

I live in despair,

I stayed indoors with my toad.

TOAD BOWELS TO.FEAR

We were exploring a dusty back road,

I and my friend/partner, Toad,

We were attacked by dire deer,

They didn't like Toad's species, I fear,

Poor toad, lost his entire bowel load.

TODAY WE CELEBRATE MAY DAY

Today we celebrate May Day, and I wished I got paid,

Worked as a plumber, gardener, and part-time meter maid,

I mow lawns for a buck,

Haul trash in my truck,

Yet I haven't got funds for one Gatorade.

HANK GOES FISHING (MISSING)

Hank went fishing in his boat with a hook, line, sinker and bobbin,

Fish were biting, but off his hook the worms they were robbin,

Then along came this toothy fish,

A thousand pounds of good nutrish,

Never found Hank, and that left the townies, all sobbin.

MELVIN MARTIN: THE PIG THONG SONG

Every single First of May,
It's Melvin Martins Day,
Melvin Martin was a pig,
That pulled Santa in his sleigh.

Melvin Martin was a silly song,
It was sang on May 1st all day long,
Martin was a silly pig,
He ate too much and got too big,
So, he burst apart his tiny thong.

If you think of Melvin Martin in a thong,
Such thoughts will bother you just all day long,
He only wore such a thing to play ping pong,
Melvin Martin in a thong is really wrong.

BARKING OFF THE WRONG TREE

Poor Lucinda got real bad sick, and turned a white and chalky way,

She ate poison tree bark, and putrefied into the clay, 

Lucinda had no money,

To leave to her son Sonny,

So Sonny moved into a box, beneath a bridge down by the bay.

 

MAY DAY

I went to the tavern called Sea & Sun, and there was a drinking fairy,

It was on May the 1st, so I thought a drunk fairy, scary,

But ho-hum, he weren't no bum,

Bought a round of drinks for those that come,

That eased chicken fears of the dark hatch, when the dead would self un-bury. 

WEE LITTLE BENNY DONE TEA

Benny wanted a much better tea,

One that gave him great joy and much glee,

Benny found a great taster,

Now he's not a tea waster,

But he spends all his time going wee.

CORN FUTURES POP AND DROP

I wanted to grow only cash crops,

I planted that corn seed that pops,

But the sun got so hot,

The seed popped on the spot,

Crows are eating the popped corn as it drops.

I CHOSE THE FREE RIDE OFFER

I ran into a zebra, and he kissed me on the face,

He had a big sloppy tongue, smelled like pork in a meat case,

I tried not to hurt feelings,

But I had other dealings,

With a kissing camel, who'd give me a free ride, anyplace.🐪

TERMINATOR MAIL

My email said I was terminated,

Said my last check would be prorated,

It would reflect my slow pace,

1/3 of my pay base,

I felt cheated, and quite underrated.  

MUNCHIES FOR MAGGOTS

I eat maggots because they taste so good,

I eat maggots because I feel I should,

I eat maggots with a dash of clay,

Cannot crawl out my belly that way,

I'd rather eat maggots, than a Red Ridding Hood.

Kindergarten Blues

If I have to drink tea again, I'm going to resign,

Some days I want coffee, some days I pine wine,

In kindergarten, all day,

I am stuck there with no pay,

Staying home with mommy, watching soaps, suits me fine.

WHEN NEW LIFE FINDS A WAY, I FIND A FLY SWATTER

The first flies of spring were busy buzzing at my door,

Then, I tapped them with a fly swatter and, they went straight down to the floor,

It seems like every spring, 

I am killing everything,

Spring is when new life unfolds then, on new life I wage a war.

CHICKPEA CHICKEN OF THE SEA SALTS

I got me an old hen, but I ain't got no corn,

So my Cornish hen, I cannot fully adorn,

I got some chickpeas,

And some salt from the seas,

For my chickpea hen, I'll start the oven mid-morn.

I NEED AI CAUSE MY BRAIN CELLS DONE DIE

Artificial intelligence is what I really need,

If I had the AI, maybe I could learn to read,

Went to church school every summer,

Killed my brain cells, what a bummer,

NowI need brain implants, so I life I might succeed.

AI

I got artificial intelligence, so I went to ask my doctor "why?"

He told me it was an inherited disease that I'll have until I die,

He said my brain was out to lunch,

Caused by many a head punch,

So I got a punchy brain; AI insane, and I'm trending to lie, lie.

While Fungal Harvesting, Watch Out For Your Shoes

Whilst I cleaned fungus, from between my toes, at Lou's,

An alien from mars, stole my brand new blue/pink shoes,

That Martian, done a real bad,

I squeezed him hard, he got sad,

Now he's just a puddle of runny Martian ooze. 

DUMPED BY PHIL, GREW WEED OF DILL

I got depressed when I got left by my Phil,

So I got me some dill seeds and grew me some dill,

My licenced dill farm,

Done no one no harm,

 Till I powdered the dill weed and made a thrill pill.