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Wednesday, August 24, 2016

MY SISTER GIVES HAIRCUTS

My sister gives haircuts, oh dear, oh dear,
She'll steady her hand for a six pack of beer,
Or, when she gets through,
You'll know nightmares come true,
Unless,  away from your reflection you steer.


Tuesday, August 23, 2016

MY LIFE INSURANCE SALESMAN

A zombie came up to my door,
And, sold me life insurance until I was poor,
He put me in my place,
As he chewed on his own face,
So, I got a second job so I could buy more.

My life insurance policy really paid,
To my wife and her boyfriend's accolade,
Now, my life insurance agent, the zombie,
Works for some company named Crombie,
And, his bite got me into the zombie parade.


Monday, August 22, 2016

A HALLOWEEN TREAT IN AUGUST

It was an August drought and the earth was frying,
All around my home the plants were dying,
Then, under my bed I found a treat,
A Halloween candy was there to eat,
It was still sweet after ten months lying.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

LAWN NEEDLES AND LOVERS OF PAIN

It rained on the lawn but it didn't do much good,
The grass was so dry that like hard needles it stood,
So, to walk on with bare feet,
Means you find pain a treat,
And, would walk on fire ants if you could.

Friday, August 19, 2016

THE TOOL SHED, TRAILER AND FIRE

In the back tool shed the generator ran,
To keep going my trailer's air conditioner and fan,
But, due to a fault in a wire,
My tool shed caught fire,
Now, my trailer is just an old hot tin can.


Wednesday, August 17, 2016

THE DROUGHT SURVIVALIST

All my tomato plants died in the drought,
As did the rest of my garden which made a drought rout,
So, with no veggies to eat,
I'll rely now on meat,
And, the crick has gone dry so no trout.

Monday, August 15, 2016

CLARITY OF MIND

Today I had a "clarity of mind,"
I realized that I was in a real bind,
My taxes were due,
My insurances too,
And, no money could I find.


Saturday, August 13, 2016

BOWLING FOR BEERS AND ROMANCE

My buds and I went romance trolling,
To places that had cold beers and bowling,
But, after ten gutter balls,
And, getting embarrassing cat calls,
Towards home alone I went strolling.


Friday, August 12, 2016

A DAY ON THE LAWN

My riding mower got stuck in a rut,
My push mower wouldn't even put-put,
 My weed whacker rolled over with a wheeze,
The only thing it whacked were my arthritic knees.


I SMELL A LITTER BOX

I have the laziest cat in my dwelling,
Lately, his litter box has been smelling,
I told my cat to clean it out,
But, he just cracked open another stout,
Then, said that if I didn't clean it out he was telling.

Thursday, August 11, 2016

DON'T BLOG BAD FACTS ABOUT SANTA

There were some bloggers on the net,
Who found some facts that many regret,
Regarding a violent Santa Claus,
Who got divorced for just cause,
Now, all Santa's fans are upset. 



Tuesday, August 9, 2016

ODE TO MY SNOW COVERED SHACK ON THE HILL

My snow covered shack up on the hill,
Came crashing down upon my still,
It buried my corn, my sugar, my mash,
It even buried two cans of corned beef hash,
All I saved were some pickles; I think they're dill.

Monday, August 8, 2016

TINKLE, TINKLE LITTLE CAR

Tinkle, tinkle little car,
Your oil leaks on the road tar,
Your radiator too,
Is leaking green-blue,
I don't think you'll go very far.

Friday, July 29, 2016

LIVESTOCK AND HEMLOCK

Jim raised cattle in the town of Hemlock,
Yet, the town's name don't sound friendly for stock,
For the main plant found round there,
Ain't corn, apple or pear,
But, the stopper of the chest thumping tick-toc.



Thursday, July 28, 2016

BEING DIFFERENT ON THE BOTTOM

My little pontoon boat has sprung a big leak,
So, in seaweed on the lake bottom a refuge I seek,
And, all the fish way down there,
Give me such a real nasty stare,
That, I feel like a fish they label a "freak."

Monday, July 25, 2016

MY RICE WITH NO PUDDING

My rice pudding was all pudding free,
For only the rice was affordable to me,
But, maybe next year,
I'll spend far less on beer,
Then, there will be pudding and rice, maybe tea.

Sunday, July 17, 2016

EVIL ROY THE MOTH LIMERICK

Roy was a great big summer moth,
He only ate pure cotton cloth,
He would never play fair,
Ate holes in underwear,
The drafts made you yearn for hot broth.

Saturday, July 16, 2016

THE DRY NOODLE LIMERICK

Jim's noodles were so very dry,
They cracked his teeth oh my, oh my,
And, Jim's teeth were brand new,
So, the noodle maker he'll sue,
Jim wins if in the courtroom he'll cry.


Friday, July 15, 2016

THE RAT THAT ESCAPED FROM HIS CAGE

My pet rat has escaped from his cage,
His imprisonment has filled him with rage,
So, I dare not linger,
Lest I loose a toe or a finger,
For a war I fear he may wage.

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

A LIMERICK WITH NO MEANING BUT, IT RHYMES

Recces Roy set cans on fire,
They were garbage cans full of plastic wire,
He got away and then found,
The plastic wire underground,
Such groups signal a future that's dire.

Saturday, July 9, 2016

FIRECRACKERS CAUSED MY EATING DISORDER

Firecrackers were so very loud last night,
They frightened my kitty and made him bite,
The crackers caused me ear pain,
And, most likely weight gain,
Because eating makes the crackers sound right.

Friday, July 8, 2016

I FISH FOR FOOTWEAR

I went out trolling and caught me a boot,
It fit well so I trolled for a suit,
Now, all I caught was a shoe,
But, it was red, white and blue,
So, I gave it a naval salute.

Thursday, July 7, 2016

I BAN GETTING TAN

My tan lotion didn't make me real tan,
Instead, I turned red like tomatoes in a can,
Then, my skin peeled and peeled,
Until, I finally healed,
Now, sunbathing is an activity I ban.

Tuesday, July 5, 2016

THE BIRD BRAIN

A bird was flying right at me,
I wondered what it was,
It's identity was not important,
I just wondered just because,

I guessed it was a blue jay,
Then, I guessed it was a sparrow,
Then, I guessed it was a raven,
Then, I was struck down by the arrow.

Friday, July 1, 2016

BRAIN PUDDING

I don't mind being called a Hypocrite,
I often say one thing then, do the opposite bit,
Ideas, my mind can't hold,
My brains are pudding I've been told,
But, I'm not the one having a fit.

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND ME

What if the universe runs out of time,
Can I still eat my beef that is labeled as prime?
Can I admire my gardens of veggies and flowers?
Or, nip away at cheap whisky I flavor with sours?
When the universe ends for all these things I will pine,
So, I'll now increase consumption, so at the end I won't whine.


Monday, June 27, 2016

THE PRICE OF VANITY (A LIMERICK)

I hung my own picture on the wall,
It fell on my wood stove and that's not all,
After my nighttime retire,
My picture caught fire,
Now, I live on a bench in the mall.


Friday, June 24, 2016

IT SNOWED ON MY FOURTH OF JULY COOKOUT

It snowed on my Fourth of July cookout,
So, I had to order some Fourth of July took-out,
But, even with a downpour,
The fireworks would soar,
And, from inside we stood and would lookout.


Thursday, June 23, 2016

I STEPPED ON A TOAD AND HAD A BAD HAIR DAY

When I walked through the forest grim,
I stepped on a toad and squashed poor him,
But, he was a barber toad,
Who felt revenge he was owed,
So, he gave my hair a bad trim.

Monday, June 20, 2016

MY BOARD GAME WINNINGS

While playing a board game that had a pair of red dice,
I noticed my opponent was scratching head lice,
I won that board game,
But, my win was so lame,
For my itchy skull was no prize but, a price.

Friday, June 17, 2016

RANDY HAD A LITTLE RASH

Randy had a little rash,
He cleared it up but, it cost some cash,
So, he took a job in a sewer,
Which was such a peuwer,
He covered his face with a sash.

Thursday, June 16, 2016

COW'S MILK IN THE CITY

I went outside to find a cow,
I needed milk to feed my meow,
But, there were no cows in my city,
Some said I was dim-witty,
So, for market milk I'll settle for now.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

I BEAT MY DOOR WITH A ROCK

My dorm room door I beat down with a rock,
Because my roommates had changed the lock,
And, after that date,
I knew how'd I rate,
So, I put all their electronics in hock.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

THEY CALL ME A TROLL

I love getting reactions when with words I deceive,
By making comments online that I don't believe,
Now, without regard for my soul,
I've been labeled a troll,
By those whom I conclude are naive.  (Or, maybe not.) 

Thursday, June 9, 2016

THE HOW DO I VOTE LIMERICK

In the election I don't know how to vote,
All the politicians just seem so remote,
I guess I'll vote for the best dancers,
Maybe they'll have the best answers,
I'd vote for bakers but, they all sugarcoat.

Wednesday, June 8, 2016

THE WORD "ARITHMETIC" STARTS WITH AN "A" LIMERICK

"Arithmetic" starts with an "A",
With such a good letter I should've had a good day,
But, what would it be?
On my math test was an "E",
So, in 1st grade I guess I will stay.


Monday, June 6, 2016

MY HOUND DOG BIT MY FACE OFF

My dog bit my face off and it was not pleasant,
He can't see too well and thought I a pheasant,
I don't blame him too much,
And, my face needed a touch,
Now, I don't look just like another peasant.


Friday, June 3, 2016

I SHUCKED A PEANUT

I shucked a peanut and no nut was there,
It was a great disappointment that I could not bare,
So, I shucked another,
It had no nut like it's brother,
Then, I started pulling out handfuls of my hair.

Thursday, June 2, 2016

THE ROTTEN FISH IN A BAG LIMERICK

My dog Jim found a fish in an old paper bag,
It smelled bad but Jim's tail did a vigorous wag,
It did not me take much of a study,
To see Jim had a new little buddy,
A buddy that just made me gag.


Monday, May 30, 2016

THE FIRE DANGER LIMERICK

I started a bonfire on Memorial Day,
The forest caught fire and I was blamed right away,
But, I told them I bet,
It was a cigarette,
For I let some lit ones go astray.

Friday, May 27, 2016

STAR SHIPS, SKYSCRAPERS AND BUILDING CODES

Randy built skyscrapers way up in the sky,
He built them way up where star ships would fly,
But, it really is sad,
How things went so bad,
Randy was ticketed for being too high.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

THE TAXES PAST DUE LIMERICK

My taxes are past due,
Now, I'm in deep stew,
And, I'm feeling blue,
There's no one to sue,
My accountant, to the Cayman Islands he flew.

Sunday, May 22, 2016

I BROKE MY TEABAG

My teabag breaks and spoils my drink,
I don't drink my tea so, all day I couldn't think,
I did try a Coke,
But, the Coke bottle broke,
When it went down the disposal in the sink.

Friday, May 20, 2016

IT SNOWED AND FROZE MY PICKLE BUDS

It snowed and froze my pickle buds,
Now my pickle blossoms are just cruds,
And, it's so late in the season,
This cold spring is a treason,
I'll feel better when I crack open some suds.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

THE MICROWAVE DISH MALFUNCTION

My microwave dish today did not please,
For it melted and mixed with my cheddar cheese,
And, it was without any pleasure,
Disposing of my cheddar treasure,
And, that bright golden cheddar did tease.


Tuesday, May 17, 2016

MY PSYCHIC TOLD ME I COULD BE PRESIDENT

My psychic told me I could be president,
So off to the primaries I gleefully went,
But, when I got there,
They made fun of my hair,
I guess my hair didn't quite fit their tent.

Monday, May 16, 2016

OLD SNOOK CUT DOWN MY APPLE TREE

Old Snook cut down my apple tree,
I told Old Snook to leave it be,
But, Snook needed a thrill,
Because dry was his still,
And, he blamed his lost liquor on me.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

PICK LOW EXPECTATOINS

It's best to be not very bright,
Or, you'll get calls all day and night,
But, stupid brains they get to rest,
Low expectations,
So, none will pest.

Tuesday, May 10, 2016

THE FOOD CHAIN IN MY HOME

Although I warned him it was not suppy,
My swordfish ate my baby guppy,
Then, my swordfish just smiled,
He was a pernicious child,
So, I fed my swordfish to my sweet puppy.

Monday, May 9, 2016

SPROUT PRIDE AND THE RABBIT

I was proud of my little bean sprouts,
On media I bragged with my touts,
Then, along came a rabbit,
With a bean sprout eating habit,
Now, my touts are all met with real doubts.

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

I TIME MACHINED BACK TO THE OLD WEST I

I took my time machine back to the Old West,
Where I heard the living was the best,
But, a scorpion sting,
Made my tenor voice sing,
Then, I fell into a rattlesnake nest.



Thursday, April 28, 2016

JIM'S MORTGAGE WAS SINK OR SWIM

With Jim's mortgage it was sink or swim,
In choices the banks gave no other,
So, Jim chose the choice easiest for him,
He moved in with his mother. 

Thursday, April 21, 2016

IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUNTS

We are all made up of blood and guts,
And things that make nasty puddles,
But, hair and skin,
No matter how thin,
Makes it OK when the nasty stuff cuddles.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

SANTA WENT OUT ON THIN ICE

Santa went out on the ice on the bay,
Chasing a reindeer that had just run away,
But, the ice wasn't good,
Where the heavy elf stood,
He said "Ho, Ho," as he went under that day.


Monday, April 18, 2016

BY MY HOUSE ON A HILL WAS A TREE

By my house on a hill was a tree,
I cut the tree down but, I should have left the tree be,
For, the tree held up the hill,
My house made a topple-down spill,
And, I was buried beneath the hill, house and tree.

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

I GET LOW ON CASH EVERY TIME THE MARKETS CRASH

I get very low on cashes,
Every time the market crashes,
It seems I just buy a stock,
Then, within a tic-toc,
I feel the bite of regret lashes.

Sunday, April 10, 2016

THE TAX JINGLE

Bill had to see a tax-attorney,
Or, to the federal prison journey,
But, his taxes still were far out of sight,
So, Bill left on the next international flight.

Wednesday, April 6, 2016

THE DOCTOR'S BILL

Sydney was such a pill,
He couldn't remember to pay his doctor's bill,
Through his mental disturbance,
He caused much perturbance,
Now, he has a room with no window or sill.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I SHOT MY SLINGSHOT STRAIGHT UP INTO THE AIR

I shot my slingshot straight up into the air,
My shot went way, way, way, way, way, way up there,
The shot fell from up there so far,
Through the windshield of my car,
Now, my slingshot has brought me despair.


Tuesday, March 29, 2016

IGNORING ONLINE VERBAL MEANIES LIMERICK

So many people are bitter,
When they make pronouncements on twitter,
But, Rose tweets all day long,
And, relies on her bong,  
To ignore the verbal meanies who hit her.