CRAYONS AND NUCLEAR WAR, WITH POODLES NOODLES AND KIDS

We have a nuclear war and I've bought some noodles,

I can feed half my kids and all my pet poodles,

You know it's no vacation, 

Dying from radiation,

On the walls the kids crayon some doodles.

JOHNNY RINGNECK

Johnny Ringneck was a pheasant,
He was hunted by a peasant,
Johnny dodged bird shot, 
Which he did quite a lot,
But, Johnny lost some feathers in his crescent. 

THIS LITTLE PIGGY

This little piggy went to sleep,
His girlfriend dumped him and called him a creep,
A second little piggy went all the way home,
His wife gave him an ultimatum and said he couldn't roam,

The third little piggy stayed out all night,
Drinking and carousing and doing what is not right,
The piggy befriended a wolf and they became really tight,
The third little piggy vanished right out of sight,

If you are a little piggy you had best behave,
Or a wolf's stomach will become your nasty grave,
Don't be a creep, a drunk or hang out at the bar,
Stay home with your loved ones and you'll be their bright star.

THE TALE OF THE TURTLE, THE ONION AND THE BEAR

One day a large turtle was crawling along in the forest crushing all the plants in his path. Suddenly, out of no where, there came a high pitched shout, “Stop, Stop, Oh please stop oh great and mighty turtle”.

The turtle stopped abruptly and asked “Who is telling me, the great turtle of the forest to stop?”

“It’s me,” a little voice squeaked. I am the onion plant that is right in front of you and I don’t want to be crushed when you go over me.”

“Well little onion plant,” said the turtle, “I do not know why I should spare you but, I guess I can step aside and change my course slightly so I do not crush you.”

The little onion plant was so happy that he cried out with joy “Oh thank you, thank you or great and wonderful turtle. And for sparing my life, I will always be here to save you from your enemies>“

The turtle smirked a bit and said, “It‘s all well and good that you think you can save me from my enemies but, here in this forest no animal can get to me through my hard, protective shell. In fact, the only animals that can tear apart my shell and get to me are the bears and they are trapped on the other side of the river. They can never get across to this side because the current is just too fast.” With that, the large turtle continued on his way leaving the little onion plant unharmed.

A few weeks later there was a terrible storm. A torrent of water rushed down the river and away the dirt from under the roots of a giant tree. With no dirt left to anchor the roots, the mighty tree fell all the way across the river leaving a large solid bridge for the animals to cross over to the other side. There was one particular bear that noticed the new bridge. This bear had a fondness for turtle meat. He liked turtle meat so much that he had eaten every single turtle on his side of the river. The bear decided that he might find a turtle or two on the other side so he quickly made his way across the tree bridge.

Once on the other side of the bridge, the bear had no problem finding the large turtle that thought he was safe on his side of the river. When the turtle saw the bear coming the turtle quickly scurried away into the forest with the bear in close pursuit. It wasn’t long before the turtle came across the little onion he had spared a few weeks earlier. “Why are you in such a hurry?” the little onion asked the turtle.

“A tree fell across the river and now there is a bear on this side and he is hunting me. I don’t know what to do,” answered the turtle.

“Nibble a little bit off the top of my stem,” the onion said insistently.

“But I’m not hungry,” protested the turtle, “and besides, I’ve got to start running again or the bear is going to eat me.”

“If you want to quit running and get rid of the bear, nibble a little bit off the end of my green shoot. It will hurt but, I can always grow back another shoot but, I can’t grow back my friend.”

The turtle did as he was told. The stem tasted kind of hot and when the bear was right on top of the turtle and about to pounce, the turtle opened up his mouth and let the smell of onion breath hit the bear right in the face. The bear jumped back away from the turtle. “You stink. I couldn’t eat anything that smells as bad as you do,” the bear said in disgust as he walked away.

After that the turtle realized that he had a very good friend in the little green onion. Meanwhile, the bear returned back to his side of the river and told all the other bears there that the turtles on the other smelled so bad that they could not be eaten. After that, no bear ever ventured over to the other side of the river.

TIME IS NOT KIND

Time is not kind,
It brings no peace of mind,
Your muscles go gooey slack,
And there is that sharp pain in the back,
Your body is ready for an archeologist find,

For display in a museum on a rack.

DRIED, FLAKE POTATOES HAIKU

Dried, flake, potatoes,
Too dry, too wet, not good, bet,
Garbage, bread, easy.

JIMMY IS NO FISHERMAN

Jimmy used a jitterbug to try to catch a pike,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was his older brother Spike,
Jimmy used a silver spoon to try to catch a crappie,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was the ear of his old pappy,
Jimmy used a plastic worm to try to catch a bass,
But, the only thing that Jimmy hooked was his cousin's giant mass,
Jimmy used a squirrel-tail to try to catch a trout,
But, the only thing that Jimmy caught was Jimmy's great big snout.     
Now, Jimmy uses a coupon to purchase fish and fries,
Because if Jimmy keeps on fishing then, everybody dies. 

MY GOLDFISH NAMED BUGZY

I once bought a goldfish named Bugzy,
He really liked to kiss and hugzy,
He romanced my wife,
That ruined my life,
So I skinned him and made a fish rugzy. 
 

THE ZOMBIES

Zombies tend to snore a lot because they have no brains,

They attempt to fill the spaces sucking air with heaving pains,

 But, zombies do not snore all night,

To get brains they just need to bite,

Of course they cannot bite each other because that's what zombie law ordains,

Now, most zombies have lots of human friends,

And, the zombie decides when that friendship ends,

 The friendship ends mostly over lunch,

When the friend's skull gets a crunch,

Of course, once the friend's skull is crunched upon the friendship never mends.

PUDDING ON THE BASKET

Rich had pudding on his basket,

He did not know how it got there,

It tasted like tapioca,

With a trace of pear,

Rich had pudding on his bicycle,

He did not know how it got there,

It had features of a squishy Smores,

Except it had some hair.

RUG RASH AND BITE

I got a rash and an itch when I fell asleep on my rugs,

It seems my rugs are all filled with big, biting bugs,

They ate all my blood, my sweat, and my tears,

They even consumed the wax in my ears,

They ate up my whole body, so don't bother with hugs.

A LIMERICK MADE A BANKER LOOK BAD

A limerick made a banker look bad,
But, the banker got even not mad,
He took the limerick man’s house,
Bankrupted his spouse,
Now, the limerick man’s homeless and sad.

THE TRAGEDY THAT BEFELL MY BUD BRAD LIMERICK

It is extremely sad,
The tragedy that befell my bud Brad,
He ate angel food cake,
Then drowned in a lake,
Seems you are what you eat and that’s bad.

THAT RUBBER BAND SMELL

Stevie did not understand,

Why I smelled like a rubber band,

He was so disgusted one night,

He left me with air flight,

To places sunny, where he could get tanned.

WOOD STOVE TOP, HOT IRON HAIKU

Wood stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, poison..

PARDON MY FISH

On my fish stringer there were fish that were without hope,
They splash around on the stringer, I guess that's how they cope,
It's like they're asking for a pardon,
But, my heart has to harden,
And, to free my dinner I just have to say, nope.

THE BAT AND MY POTATO SKINS

I fried my potato skins in butter and beer,

I did not have too many so each skin was real dear,

But, over flew a big bat,

He dropped guano in my vat,

So I threw my skins out the door at the rear.

THE POGO-STICK AND THE ELEPHANT BULLY

I think that it is a real bunch of bunk,
That an elephant stuck my pogo-stick way up his trunk,
Now my day is a complete flopper,
Because of that pogo trunk-hopper,
One hop crushed my stick down to  a pile of just junk. 

The elephant sneezed my pogo-stick free,
It was in so many pieces I just let it be,
So I will end my sad story,
The elephant was not sorry,
He laughed teary-eyed until he couldn't see. 

A BEAR NAMED FLUFFY

There once was a bear named Fluffy,
She thought of herself as a toughie,
But when bitten by bees,
She fell from the trees,
Now her body is swollen and puffy.

THE SNOW PARK TWO

I went to the Snow Park because I had a free pass,

But it was so cold and snowy, I froze my mass,

But I had some cheer,

Drinking ice cold root beer,

until I slipped and fell down on my glass.

A LOG AND A JOG

I went to the park to give it a jog,
And I slammed into a tree because of the fog,
Now, O.K. I would be,
Not so much for the tree,
It tipped over and is now called a log.

TREE HITS HOUSE HAIKU

Tree hits house, hard, crash,
No insurance! Paid too late,
So sad, no pad, ouch!

A WITCH TURNED ME

A witch turned me into a turtle, not nice,

I did nothing to him, except the crab lice,

But I'm not to blame,

For his scratches of shame,

I got them from my friends, the mice.

I GOT PINE TREE JUICE ON MY FEET LIMERICK

I got pine tree juice all over my two feet,
It's sticky and nasty and just can't be beat,
I tried to use soap,
But it gave me no hope,
I'm glad my cat thinks pine tree juice is a treat.

Snow Park Fun One

I went to the Snow Park to look at the snow,

And as I watched it, the snow started to grow,

I got covered in a case,

That froze my cute face,

And all of my body below.

THE SNAKE IN THE TOILET

In Sam’s toilet there was a rattlesnake,
He thought it crawled up from his septic tank,
While his wife was baking a birthday cake,
Poor Sam just stood there completely blank,

“Come here honey,” Sam called to his wife,
“Come here and help me out”,
Poor old Sam was in fear for his life,
He was too afraid to just shout,

Sam’s wife came into the bathroom at last,
She told Sam he had to get loose,
But, poor Sam turned around way to fast,
And, the snake bit him on the caboose,

Sam’s wife was a widow fair,
She even kept the snake and tank,
The snake and widow made quite the pair,
With Sam’s life insurance in the bank.

UNDER THE YIM YONG TREE

Under the yim yong tree I and my dear love matted some grass,

That's where we did picnic and drank from a thermos lined with glass,

And the yim yong fruits,

Made a day full of hoots,

And an evening of toots,

Then after our pipes burned off most of the gas,

We got tired and into dreams we did pass.

MY DIRTY LITTLE SPACESHIP

It's really dirty in outer space,

And with microgravity I have one cluttered place,

Everything floats in the air,

I need some home cleaning care,

And the worst crap ends up in my face,

I WENT TO THE GYM NOW, MY BOD IS SO TRIM

I decided to workout at the gym,

I got covid and the outlook was grim,

I soon died from those germs,

Became food for the worms,

It's what happens when your brain light is dim.

THE WINDCHILL, WINDCHILL GO AWAY LIMERICK

Windchill, windchill go away,

Or, I will freeze my face today,

I must shovel snow,

Or, I cannot go,

Ice fishing out on the bay.

A BIG HEAVY FELLOW NAMED CY

There was this big heavy fellow named Cy,
He was a pizza delivery guy,
When he'd wiggle his hips,
He'd get much bigger tips,
But no one could understand why?

Cy delivered pizza all night long,
To each customer he'd sing a song,
Everyone knew his mind was wrong,
He was only good at playing pong.

I WENT TO VOTE IN A PRIMARY

I went to vote in a primary,
And found my choices were binary,
Either a one or a zero,
No choice for a hero,
I should have wasted my time at a winery.

WEREWOLF POEM

The dirt, the forest, the night is my friend,
I am the hunter, that’s what I’ll be in the end,
My eyes are pagan jewels,
My ears are predators feet,
My nose and teeth make rules,
It’s not revenge, you're  just something to eat.

Apap Snojh. Pizza

Their pizza chews like boogers,☝

Their soda runs like snot,👃

And the box the pizza comes in,🍕

Smells like a toilet pot.💩

It seems the topping on the pizza,🍕

Is anything that's full on rot,👟

That's why customers who eat the pizza,🙊

Have an awkward bathroom trot.🚽

CHICKEN WIRE IS THE THING

Chicken wire is the thing,

To guard my tulips in the spring,

The rabbit will bite,

But, if the wire is tight,

He'll just bite wire if anything.

THE PLANET WHERE WE EAT ONLY FRIES

I came from a planet where we only eat fries,
The fries come from potatoes and sometimes meat-pies,
One time we tried kale,
But, it made most of us ail,
And, led many to give departing goodbyes. 

22522

MY COMPUTER IS GIVING ME GRIEF

My computer is giving me grief,

I hope it's just a temporary beef,

But when it's files become bound,

It is nasty all around,

So I gave it constipation pills for relief.

THE SEA MONSTER AT THE BEACH

I went to the beach to gather some sun,

And, there was a sea monster that made everyone run,

But, I was not afraid,

Of the sea monster raid,

For the monster was there for some fun.

PAPER PIGS AND BOURBON CHEER ME UP

I drew and cutout some little paper pigs,
I pasted them on the walls all around my digs,
Now, when things look real dire,
My pigs I admire,
After tapping a bourbon bottle for swigs.

BRAIN SPLATTER: THE STATUE, TREE AND ME

I went and bought a statue and placed it under my tree,

The tree fell on my statue and worse, it fell on me,

My little brain cells got splattered,

My statue was all shattered,

My folks creamed us both together, and scattered us at sea.

A FARMER LIED TO HIS CHICKENS LIMERICK

Two little chickens were moved into a dumpling soup,
They were told to stay there while the farmer redecorated their coup,
But the soup got real hot,
The chickens climbed out of their pot,
Seems the chickens had been left out of the information loop.

OLD CLYDE FOOTS

My pa’s name was old Clyde Foots,
His third wife Karen, he nicknamed, Toots,
They had an all male litter of nine,
This to me was just fine,
For even half brothers still have family roots.

MARRIAGE OF THE NUCLEAR AFTERGLOWS

Nuclear bombs fell on my house,

And everything died, even the mouse,

I had nowhere to go,

I just sat in my glow,

Another glow-in-dark, became my future spouse.

JERRY’S BALLAD

Jerry plays the clarinet,
He plays so bad his mom's upset,
The band gave him the boot,
Took back his band suit,
Now he fishes crabs with a net.

WHEN I WAS FLYING A KITE

When I was flying my big blue kite,
A skeeter gave me quite a bite,
The bite made me pull the string real tight,
And, I flew off towards the Earth's skylight,

Of course flying high was quite appealing,
Until, I hit the Earth's  great black ceiling,
Then, I had this real bad feeling,
That real bad cards to me, were dealing,

Finally, I started to mostly freeze,
First my fingers then, toes and knees,
And, although I was desperate to heave a sneeze,
My frozen mucus didn't rate a  wheeze,

At last a spaceship passed nearby,
I think that pilot could barely fly,
He let his spacecraft engines burn through my string,
Then I had to do that falling thing,

Down toward Earth I fell ever faster,
Toward my own personal disaster,
Seems a soft ocean landing I could not master,
For I splashed down on a birdbath made of plaster.

JIM SLIPPED AND FELL ON SOME ICE

Jim slipped and fell on some ice,
Ground contact did not feel real nice,
When he got to his feet,
He felt a pain in his seat,
In his back pocket was a key chain device.

I TRADED FOR PIGS AND NUCLEAR WAR

I went to Russia to get me some pigs,

I got sixty dozen, trading four packs of cigs,

Then on that eve,

Before I could leave,

I was offered 12 nukes and a six pack of Migs.

HOUSE PAINTING HAIKU

Climb ladder, start paint,
Drop paint can, splash, yellow grass,
Yellow tongued bulldog.

NO ONE PLAYED THE BARITONE

No one played the baritone,

Quite as well as old Tyrone,

He played so melodic,

That the girls danced exotic,

In the street in a "No Parking Zone,"

FROM RUSSIA

I went to Russia to find some good eats,

But Russian policemen gave me some beats,

I got tortured  till raw,

Have a soar, wired jaw,

So forever from Russia I escaped with my feets.

I WONDER WHAT ZOMBIES EAT

I wonder what zombies like best to eat?
Is it the fingers?  Is it the feet?
Do zombies like best the naval or lips?
Or, maybe they like smacking on soft flabby hips?
I think that it's gross if zombies like eating nose,
I think it disgusting if zombies find flavor between toes,
I'm not sure which is worse:  eating intestines or brains,
But, whatever they like I wish they'd clean up the stains.

DELETE THE STINKY PROSE

I wrote some real stinky prose,
It was so bad it stuffed up my nose,
So I punched my keyboard's delete,
The lines vanished complete,
They are gone where all stinky prose goes.

MAILBOX FORLORN-HAIKU

Mailbox, forlorn soul,
Icy road, bad driver,
 SMASH! Metal scraps, goodbye.

THE INTERNET NO-BOT

There once was an internet robot,
And his name was Jeb,
He liked to mess with systems,
While playing on the web,

Jeb was a robot,
And  he always got his thrills,
By being an internet pharmacist,
And embedding poison pills,

Now Jeb is a no-bot,
Into oblivion he heads,
His tracks he did not cover well,
And he was deleted by the feds. 

SILLY GOOSE DRINKS TAINTED ORANGE JUICE

Jenny likes to drink orange juice,
But Jenny is a silly goose,
She drinks the juice when it's tainted,
With green slime all painted,
Which makes her insides really loose.

IT SLIPS AND FALLS ON MY TOES

When I pick a hammer up, it immediately slips and falls on my toes,

Then  I'm hopping on one foot in that one foot hopping pose,

The intense pain causes me mental disorder,

As I hop along the sane/insane border,

Thinking a hand tool is one of my foes.

OF MICE AND DIET

As I was sitting all nice and quiet,

The mice came out and had a big riot,

First, they knocked over my beer cans,

Then they danced on my pots and pans,

Lucky my cat had mouse in his diet. 

And the mice looked so tasty I had to try it. 

I LOST THE TIGHT SQUEEZE ON MY LOVIE

I went outside when the moon was real bright,

But it was cold and I got some frostbite,

Doc said the frostbite, it lingers,

As he cut off my fingers,

Now I can't hold my Lovie real tight.

I GET OUT MY AIRPLANE GLUE

When I have company, there is little to do,

So I get out my airplane glue,

I have models galore,

I bought half price at the store

It's easier to put them together with a friend or two.

SPOT CHECK SPOILED WITH EGGS BROKEN NOT BOILED

I spot checked my bananas and they had spoiled and turned black,

I spot checked my potatoes and they gone putrified in their sack,

My peppers had soft spots,

All my produce had the rots,

And my eggs were broken because no one knew how to stack.