PHANTOM OF THE SPICED BANANA

A phantom ate all my ripe, yellow bananas, and then said something really nice,

He said my bananas were the perfect yellow, and tasted good with cinnamon spice,

He said he tried them with ginger,

But that was a cringer,

Unless, you fry them in oil and salt them up thrice.

I MADE A NEW FRIEND IN MY NEW HOUSE

I had some wattle and clay, and built a brand new house,

It stunk so very bad, I lost four cats and my spouse,

But without delay,

I made a friend that day,

Who moved in, after he had a deep crevice de-louse.

NO STRINGS ATTACHED

My kite is flying high in the sky,

How it's there?  I don't know why,

It ain't no joke,

My kite cord broke,

Near a year ago, this Fourth of July.

CREMATION: IT'S NOT JUST FOR POOR GRANDPAS ANYMORE

When my birdie died there was a health concern,

So his remains, I was ordered to "quick, burn",

He went into the fire of no return,

Except for ashes in an urn,

Now he sits upon my mantle, next door to grandpa Vern.

BIRD FLU

I eat mostly the legs off chicken,

I eat down to the bones, where I find slim pickin,

I drink applesauce,

Till I'm sick and toss,

Bird and fruit cause my belly to sicken.

WARNING! U-235 IS NOT FOR WOODSTOVES

I knew my old woodstove would need fuel, if I were to survive,

So I stole fuel from the nuke plant where I work, some uranium--235,

As I was getting very sick,

I threw it in my woodstove, quick

When my eyeballs both leaked out, I knew I was likely not alive.

FELT BAD, FELT BETTER, FELT WORSE

My rent had fallen into arrears,

My landlord chastised me into tears,

I drank a cold pop,

And played some hip-hop,

Then got evicted, and thrown out on my ears.

I'm Staying At The "Jailhouse Hotel" On Memorial Day Weekend

I drove up north really fast,

So my time at my vacay would last,

I rolled the car while speeding,

My bod starting bleeding,

Now, I'm sitting in jail with a cast.

A MARRIAGE, A BUSINESS AND HEAVES

There is a house painter named Steves,

He only paints right under the eaves,

He leaves the rest of the house,

For his unlucky spouse,

Steve then drinks at the bar till he heaves. 

HOE, HOE, HOE AND MAKE MY TUBERS GROW

My little potato plant would not grow,

I asked it why? It did not know,

When under it, I dug,

I found the tubers, snug,

I un-snugged the tubers with my garden hoe.

I GOT A LICKEN, WHEN TEXAS BANNED CHICKEN

A law was just passed saying you could no longer eat chicken,

If you were caught eating bird you'd get a public licken,

A punishment of pain,

Affects one's brain,

Then the smell of cooked bird makes you sicken.

PETS EAT THE DARNDEST THINGS

I bought some worm castings to mix into my soil,

So I could grow tulips without the hard toil,

But my doggie Ruff Ruff,

Ate my worm castings stuff,

Now his belly is swelly, and it gurgle and boil.

IF YOU HAVE A NO DRAIN, IT COULD BE LETHAL

I planted my tomatoes in an old tin pot,

The pot had no drain, so they got the root rot,

My tomato plants went dead,

Cautionary tale, tis said,

Drill some holes in the bottom, dot, dot dot.

THE LITTLE CRAWDAD IS ME

The Little Crawdad, that is me,

I swim with the fish in the sea,

When my day is done,

I catch myself one,

So I can have a kipper with tea.

GRANDMA WANTED THE BOTTLE, NOT TWO FINGERS

Grandma was upset to see an apple worm in her apple juice,

I two fingered out the worm so grandma would drink, that I deduce,

I was out of luck this day,

My dirty fingers, that's all I'll say,

Grandma switched to apple brandy, and became a silly, giddy, goose.

THE DIET AND DEFIBRUILLLATOR BLUES

They used the defibrillator, to start Benny's heart back up,

He now must lower cholesterol, so no more bacon cheese steaks, for sup,

Although he almost died,

Old Benny had his pride,

He brags about eating greasy chips, while watching TV with his pup.

BLIND TO WHAT LIES AHEAD

The fog was so thick, it blinded my eyes,

On the road ahead, I did not know what lies,

Well, it was a bear,

A grizzly affair,

The bear pulled me from the wreck, ate me, so I dies.

I GAVE AWAY SALLY AT HER MARRIAGE TO BETH

I walk with Miss Sally towards the shadow of Beth,

Though it be a torture, it's better than death,

Sally and Beth did not tarry,

After high school.they would marry,

Thanks to a minister, all knew him as Seth.

THE BRAIN CELL KILLER

Jim cannot tell a tomato from a potato, anymore,

Those brain cells must have died, when he walked into that door,

All the vodka, flavored cherry

That Jim drank, to be merry,

Made his head and guts as well, a very achy soar.

THE UPHILL HEART THROMBOSIS

I needed to go to market to get me some dill,

All would be fine, but the market is up the hill,

That's where my car will not go,

Uphill; geared in high, or in low,

I got consternation; had to take a heart pill.