I AM WHAT I AM BECAUSE OF MY MA AND PA

I am so lucky to have my ma and pa,

They raised me on coffee and tobacco chaw,

Although, my teeth were all black,

And, my chaw spit caught me flack,

I became the town marshal and law.

BUGS FOR BREAKFAST (Breakfast of Trampions)

On my heart my tummy tugs,

I was so hungry, I ate bugs,

But, a tummy that begs,

Shouldn't eat bugs with long legs,

I got hospitalized and some hugs.

WHY BOTHER WITH FLOWERS

All my flowers just died in their rows,

Every time I'm done planting it freezes and snows,

Of course, the freezing will be done,

By the August last Sun,

Alas, by the Ides of September the frosty wind  blows.

NOBODY TELLS ME

Nobody told me electricity can arc,

Or, that a dog will bite before giving a bark,

Nobody told me I could drown in deep water,

Or, boil my brains in a bath I made hotter,

Or, I should turn on my lights when I drive after dark.

PEACH TREE THROUGH THE FLOOR

My porch had a peach tree growing up through the boards,

I couldn't cut it down with my machete swords,

For the peaches were sweet,

And, I had no money to eat,

At times providence has it's own rewards.

JIM WENT TRICK-OR-TREATING ON THE 9TH OF MAY

Jim went trick-or-treating, 
On the 9th of May,
He didn't get any candy,
But, he got a 90 day jail stay,

It was not very funny,
When the neighbors called the cops,
Because Jim was dressed like a Playboy Bunny,
And, his breath just wreaked with hops,

The judge didn't care that it was all for candy,
Instead, he just slowly shook his head,
He said Jim was a real "Jim Dandy,"
And, in county lock-up he'd make his bed,

The days each passed like they were years,
And, Jim yearned for candy more and more,
But, the next time he wouldn't trick-or-treat,
Deciding, he'd just take it from a store.

SPIT-PLAY WITH FOUR

They put phlegm in my coffee so, I could not stay,

If you spit in my coffee, I go away,

The waiter was a jerk,

And, I was so late for work,

At four, I'm out of work and we'll continue our play.

MY GUPPY NAMED JERRY I FOUND ON THE FLOOR LIMERICK

My guppy named Jerry I found on the floor,
He had been there for a day or, two maybe more,
I scraped up his dried remains,
And, it gave me such great pains,
As I flushed him down the toilet with a roar. 

LIVE

Live this life the best you can for it's all you're going to get,

And, all the reverends who tell you different, 

Are just perverts full of shit.

THE ALIEN TOOTHACHE

The peanut was stuck in my black hole cavity,

By antimatter, antioxidants and antigravity,  

And, in the space-time of my brain,

I felt space alien pain,

The goober is Earth's defense by depravity.

DON'T TRUST BEARS CAUGHT BENEATH A TREE

I found a bear caught beneath a fallen tree,
I got behind him and pushed the big bear free,
I thought I made a new friend,
But, where did I end?
In the bear's belly; where else would I be?

RILEY'S HIDDEN RAINBOW

Riley hid his rainbow just off his reading room,

Dreading dear dad discover thus, demanding Riley's doom,

Cased within calm closets care,

Riley's rainbow rested there,

Until, the future world came, Boom!

THE NEIGHBORLY HILLS

They slashed my tires and cut the lines to my brakes,

They blew up my mailbox and in my pumpkins, drove stakes,

In my neighborhood,

Most are proud they're no good,

So, I never accept gifts of cookies or cakes.

MY HAMSTER IN SPACE

I gave a bath to my hamster one fine day,
Next day, he got revenge in his own way,
When I gave my fella a little hand stroke,
His sharp teeth gave my hand a really deep poke,

Blood spurted and spurted all over the floor,
All over the doorknob as I rushed out the door,
I grabbed my cell phone and the ambulance came quick,
Then, it was off to the hospital; the sight of blood made me sick,

Luckily, the bleeding was quickly stopped,
A single small bandage covered the vein that was popped,
After a week in the hospital I was all healed,
The little scab under the bandage was easily peeled,

At home my hamster had taken over my house,
He chased off the dog and ate my pet grouse,
He ripped up my newspapers and made a nest in my bed,
Increasing I wished that my hamster was dead,

Of course, I decided to serve up revenge that was ice cold,
I developed a plan that was clever and bold,
To this hamster I was especially nice,
I spoke in soft words and bought him toys so high priced,

Then, when the hamster thought I'd  not seek retribution,
It was time for my plan to achieve institution,
Of course sweet revenge is what I sought and I got,
For I volunteered my hamster to be a deep space astronaut.

MY WOODSTOVE HAS GONE KAPUT

My woodstove has gone kaput,
It’s rusted out and backed up with soot,
There was so much smoke in the house,
All the carpeting is deloused,
And, I’m freezing from my head to my foot.

THE RED STRAWBERRY ANTS

I went and planted a strawberry jar,
Full of strawberry plants,
But, when the strawberries were sweet plump and ripe,
I found the strawberries all full of red ants,

My strawberry jar was a real disappoint,
And, so were my strawberry plants,
Now, the ants are running amok in my joint,
And, they bite me neath the cuffs of my pants.

I WISH I WAS A COWBOY

I wish I was a cowboy then, I'd ride on into town,

I'd get myself some bacon, and some flour and, ground round,

I'd sit out on a moon lit night,

And, watch the twinkling buggies bite,

Listening to the sound of the rocker-siding pound.

THE OLD MAN AND THE CAVE

There was an old man who did not like to shave,

He did not shower either so, he moved into a cave,

But, when his campfire started to smoke,

The old man started to choke,

So, he cancelled his plans for a rave. 

I ALWAYS WEAR MY COVID MASK JUST TO TICK EM OFF

I wear a Covid mask everywhere I go,

Whether going to the mailbox or, driving very slow,

I wave to all but, do not linger,

Their return wave is just one finger,

Maybe we'll be friends again to celebrate Ho, Ho, Ho.

HOW TO PREPARE OLIVE FLAVORED TOMATOS

My tomato is not very sweet,

It tastes like olive in the meat,

But, hamburger will help,

Then, no partaker will yelp,

And, I'll stuff it all in a bacon wrapped, deep fat fried pickled beet.

WASH AWAY MAN

I forded the river but fell in the stream,
As I washed away I let out a scream,
My scream did not bring me luck,
I scraped through rocks, sticks and muck,
Still, I managed to stay pretty clean.

DUCKS IN A CAN: A WAREHOUSE GHOST STORY

I work at a warehouse loading up trucks,

Today in from Peking, I loaded cans filled with cooked ducks,

But, in the cans I was stacking

The ducks started quaking,

I guess, being a duck crammed in a can really sucks.🦆

HOW A LOOSER CAN BE A WINNER AT POOL

Jimmy always made money by losing at pool,

I once observed his profession from a nearby bar stool,

While an opponent leaned forward to shooty, 

Jimmy grabbed wallet booty, 

So, Jimmy the looser was really quite cool.

MY HAMBURGER SMELLED A LITTLE FUNNY TODAY

My hamburger smelled a little funny today,
It smelled like a toilet with a whiff of bug spray,
I'm not a real fussy lad,
So, I ate what I had,
But, tonight I'm afraid I will pay.

THE SHALLOW HOLE OUTHOUSE

I put up an outhouse but, did not dig a deep hole,

Soon the smells it produced perfumed through the soul,

But, I was celebrated by kin,

When one of the little ones fell in,

And, was pulled out with a cane fishing pole.

I WENT TO LONDON TO COOK FOR THE QUEEN

I went to London to cook for the queen,
She liked my firm grits and my crawdads were clean,
And, she said my rock bass,
Added a real touch of class,
Yet, my root-crops looked a trifle obscene.

THE PANCAKE GARDEN

I planted pancakes to see if they'd grow,

But, soon after planting it started to snow,

Then, I cringed up my toes,

For I know that it froze,

And, pancakes in the fall, I won't know.

A CRUSH ON SPRINGY FLOWERS

When the springy spring flowers flower,

Then we get a big snow shower,

The frosty frost shows off it's power,

And, little petals fade and cower,

Crushed beneath the shower tower.

ODE TO THE LEPRECORN-Strange Creature Limerick

There was a creature called the leprecorn,
It was the strangest creature ever born,
A unicorn body it had,
With Leprechaun head mean and mad,
In the middle of the head was a horn.

The leprecorn liked to dance in the woods,
It guarded its gold and the rest of it's goods,
If you came to steal,
He'd give you a deal,
It was a horn in the rump for all hoods.

The leprecorn was the son of McMurry,
When the corn was born all said not to worry,
"He'd outgrow his strange look"'
"If fifty years it took",
Now it's been ninety-five what's the hurry.
,

THE BUBBLE BATH CURE

When trees start growing between your toes,

And, itchy bushes hang out of your nose,

And, your skin is so dry,

Like crust on a pie,

A bubble bath will end most of your woes.

FALSE TEETH IN A JAR

I placed my false teeth in a large mason jar,

To avoid damage during my fight at the bar,

But, bad luck comes as it must,

My jarred teeth got a bust,

And, scattered from the dance floor to the car. 

DILL PICKLES NASTY GAS

Dill pickles give Jerry a nasty gas,
It takes so long for it to pass,
It takes more than one day,
That’s too long most say,
From the mouth to the end of his mass.

GRANNY FIXED UP DOGS AND CATS

At granny's house I got real squirmy

Because granny practiced taxidermy,

She did mostly pet cats and dogs,

Most pets turned out hard as logs,

When the dermy didn't take the critters went wormy.

MIRACLE ON 94TH STREET

In the rain and churning sleet,

I walked and walked until I was beat,

Then, a miracle on 94th Street,

A little diner where I could eat,

It was the most uncomfortable seat,

By a window, there was no heat,

Soon, fully frozen were my feet,

Next, I froze to death with no establishment greet,

I was cremated, a nice warm treat,

They spread my ashes in a field of wheat.

A FISH NAMED HARRY

A fish named Harry grew too big for his pond,
So, he made a wish to a witch with a wand,
To make the pond grow,
Then, Harry could swim deep below,
But, the lake was too salty so Harry felt conned.

MULTIVERSE THEORY PREDICTS ALTERNATIVE NEWS

Many say that I make up fake news,

But, it's just an alternative universe I choose,

It's not better or worse,

It's called the multiverse,

I just choose the verse that echoes my views. 

WHEN THE PRICE OF TOILET PAPER IS JUST TOO HIGH

All the people are oh so pensive,

Because toilet paper is so expensive,

The financial frustration,

Has caused herd constipation,

With flagellation being offensive.

MARTY ATE A LITTLE LAMB

Marty ate a little lamb,

It's fleece was white like snow,

But, when you fry lamb in the pan,

Hopefully, the fleece color you won't know. 

HOW TO BE A NEWS SHOW STAR

If you want people to hear you sing,

Then, you sing only lyrics that are right of wing,

You'll be a famous star,

Invited to parlor par,

And, your coffers will be filling ding, ding, ding.

THE AFTER DINNER ONLINE NEWS SHOW

Every evening after I sup,

I go online and make stuff up,

It's my beer induced views,

Millions call it the news,

Others say, I'm a crazy, dumb pup.

I WENT INTO THE PARLOR BUT, NO ONE WAS THERE

I went into the parlor but, no one was there,

I said what I could but, no one was aware,

I felt desperately beat,

Like a bird who couldn't tweet,

Now, all my grandiose dreams will all end in despair.

As I Perch

As I sit perched in my tin, wheeled villa,

Looking down from atop my hilla,

Onto a highway all curvy derby

Along comes prancing a deer named Herbie,

I fear he's had my pickles and my dilla,

Laying waste to my garden like the Hun Attila.

THE TOAST GHOST MADE ME COAST

When for breakfast, I prepared me some toast,

It fell on the floor and became a meal ghost,

So, with no toast to fill,

My stomach went ill,

Then, all day at my job I did coast.

DIAMONDS ARE A BOYS WORST FRIEND

Although they all say it don't matter,

You can tell when ladies meet and they chatter,

It's high priced diamonds they demand,

Which poor boys can't understand,

For diamonds don't make the wallet grow fatter.

Age, Old, Tired, Teeth

I see you've turned 32,

And, your old soul's feeling blue,

Every workday you rue,

No energy to do,

But, you still got some teeth so, at least you can chew.

A GOLD FISH NAMED BUCKY

There was a goldfish name of Bucky,
At the casino he was nothing but, lucky,
Every pull came up cherries,
No bananas of berries,
He swam his winnings back home to Kentucky.

I HAD A PIG NAMED PAUL

I had a pig named Paul,
He lived with the horses in a stall,
He wouldn't live with the pigs,
He did not like their digs,
Paul was not very piggy at all.

JOB ENDS AND THE MONEY QUEST

My job ended on the fourth of May,

I didn't have the rent money and they wouldn't let me stay,

So, I've sold all my pots and my pans,

Have been collecting bottles and cans,

But, I got locked out of my apartment today.

NO BIG FISH TO FISH

No big fish in the lake so, I'm not fishing,

Too much algae so, no fish fry dishing,

Now, in my free time I mow lawn,

Fertilize it at break of dawn,

But, it's time threading worms I be wishing.

April June Bugs

In April I went looking for the bugs of June,

I know it's early but, the weather's opportune,

With this strange global warm,

New seasons take form,

I take bugs now for the desert comes soon..

MY BANKER OWNS A SNOT MACHINE

When I go to see my banker,
He is snoty never mean,
That's because my banker owns,
A delux snot machine,

He tells me that my account is low,
And, I do not save a lot,
He tells me if I'd save some more,
He'd give me some free snot,

I told him to keep my money,
If, he would bother me no more,
Life is just so very short,
Snot's not worth living for.

I AM SPARTACUS, NOT

I dreamt I was a gladiator back in ancient Rome,

My chest was exposed, as was my lack of muscle tone,

Of course, I noticed that my sword,

Was made of thin cardboard,

Then, I felt the Roman spear through my belly and backbone.

ENTER MY WORK DOMAIN

When you enter there you have to stoop,🐫

Of course, it is a chicken koop,🐤🐤🐤🐤

No chickens even 5'4",🐥🐥🐥🐥

So, it is a much shorter door,🐾🐈

STOP! Don't touch the floor because it's poop.🐔🐓🐔🐔🐔🐣🐣🐣🍳

I'M PREPARED FOR THE END OF THE WORLD (EOW)

I've prepared for the end of the world,

My surrender flags I have unfurled,

I have quantities of stash,

Of root beer and corn hash,

And, a still complex that will leave my hair curled.

A TIGER NEAR THE WOODS

I came upon a tiger lying near the village woods,

I asked him if he knew someone in the nearby hoods,

He said I should not feel a scare,

That he was just there for repair,

His lawn mower was getting fixed at Alfie's Garden Goods.  

THE GRAVY CRUNCH

I went to Gravy Jones's Locker for lunch,

There the gravys' so crusty it has a nice crunch,

And, when added to a roast beef,

Garnished with a bay leaf,

Well, there won't be leftovers for a later on munch.

NEW MOON, JUNE, BABOON, BROTHER-IN-LAW HAIKU

New moon, June, baboon,
Summer guest, brother-in-law,
Slob, eats well, don't flush. 

APPLE PIE FOR EASTER

I bought 21 apples to bake in my healthy apple pie,

I wanted ones with worms for the family's meat supply,

I'll use a dab of cinnamon and lots of grease and flour,

I'll use10 cups of sugar and that will give the family power,

So on the day of the Easter feast,

We'll be eating pie, not an oinking beast.

A Werewolf Ate My Peanut Butter

A werewolf ate my peanut butter; he licked it all out of my jar,

Then, he asked me for my jelly and I told him be had gone too far,

My little pint of jelly I was saving for a friend,

And, I was bound to save it although, it meant my mortal end,

I did not save my jelly and they found my body under my car,

At least what was left of it, packed in my jelly jar.

DON'T BOTHER WITH THE SANTA GIFT HELPLINE

The sweater I ordered from Santa was too tight:  it caused me pain!

Well, I called the Santa helpline so, I could complain,

But, they were so terribly bold,

They put me on permanent hold,

Hammering "Jingle Bells" deep into my brain.