A TIGER, A PIE AND THE FOURTH OF JULY

At a picnic on the Fourth Of July,
A tiger ate all of my apple pie,
I told him that in my heart there's no room,
For anyone who would wrongly consume,
And, that's when he started to cry.

🇺🇸 ON THE 4Th 2021 🇺🇸

I burned my hands doing sparklers then, I started crying,

I next played with fireworks and my fingers went flying,

And, my roasted hot dogs with buns,

Gave my visitors the runs,

But hey, it's 2021 and at least I am trying.

MY DOG HATES SWISS CHARD OR, IS IT JUST ME

I had a pet doggy named Fred,

He became vicious when he wasn't fed,

But, when I fed him Swiss chard,

He bit me real hard,

So hard I bled out and went dead.

MACY THE WHITE TAILED DEER-Limerick

Macy is a white tailed deer,
She crosses traffic when it's clear,
She will wait for days,
She will look both ways,
That's why Macy is still here.

A deer named Macy eats in sweet corn fields,
She angers farmers as she reduces yields,
They all want her to pay,
She outwits them each day,
Her cunning is the one weapon she wields.

PARADISE FOR SALE?

My trailer is starting to decompose,

The plumbing is shot so, I hooked the pump to a hose,

The roof leaks streams in the rain,

My caved in floors provide a drain,

I'd sell but, I'd owe money at close.

THE EATER OF BUGS PART II

Sid the Mantis was an eater of bugs,
He trounced on them and gave them no hugs,
In Sid's worldly view,
Bugs were just too few,
They taste great though they have ugly mugs.

The Little Living Brain

Though my family protested that I was insane,

I obtained a licence to fly an airplane,

Well, I let autopilot be my guide,

So, I could sleep on each ride,

Now, I swim in an ocean to keep a living brain.

DEATH OF A SPORTS CAR (NOT)

We went to the parade to celebrate Pride,

But, on the way there my Ford Focus, it died,

Good news, through the kindness of a stranger,

We road to Pride with his Ranger,

My little car didn't go but, it tried.

BARRY'S MARCHING BAND LIMERICK

Barry's band marched in a parade down the main street,

But, no one could tell their right from left feet,

They couldn't march in a straight line,

But, sounded just fine,

Even though, the drum major couldn't keep the beat.

TIME LOOP FROM HELL

I got caught in a really nasty, bending time loop,

I was stuck in the past when pop was hula hoop,

While, the stuff on TV, 

Made me just want to flee,

And, the food was just crackers and soup.

THERE ONCE WAS A BOATER NAMED FRANK

There once was a boater named Frank,
He kept running up on the bank,
He once missed the dock,
Slammed into a rock,
Of course then, his boat quickly sank.

A boater named Frank went out on the bay,
It thundered and lightning all of the day,
His boat motor got popped,
Into the water it dropped,
Then, Frank paddled home all of the way.

MY TWEETS BROUGHT MY POLL NUMBERS DOWN

I ran for public office and got run out of town,

I thought I was serious, they called me a clown,

I tweeted, "no money for roads,"

And, "let the people eat toads,"

So, my tweets brought my poll numbers down. 

USING HAIKU TO DEFINE YOUTH AND ADULTHOOD AS A BIOLOGICAL AND SOCIAL CONSTRUCT

Young, old, difference,

Young, flagellation, funny

Old, farts, annoying.

THEY SUCK BLOOD BETWEEN OUR TOES

I thought I'd give my friend some teaches,

As we walked along the beaches,

We found fossil stones,

Some carp fish bones,

Alas, between our toes sucked, leaches.

MY SQUIRRELS FAVORITE PIE

My piney, smelly cones,

They're the seed dispensers bones,

I pile them high,

And make the squirrels a pie,

Then, they eat the pie on down to the stones.

INSURANCE QUOTES FOR SQUEAKY DUCK FLOATS

In the canal there was nothing but boats,

All of them yellow like squeaky duck floats,

But, on the day of the storm,

The boats had a submarine norm,

And, were the subjects of insurance quotes.

ODE TO THE FLAVOR CALLED CHEDDAR CHEESE

Ode to the flavor called cheddar cheese,
For it is the flavor that aims to please,
Whether it's on top of french fries,
Or, hot apple pies,
Cheddar helps to spread severe heart disease.  

MY PUPPY QUINTON

I went to a party to celebrate Pride,

My puppy Quinton insisted, he stay by my side,

He perceives relationship dangers,

When I mingle with strangers,

And, he yanks on his leash to pull me from their side.

OPPOSITES ATTRACT

We went on a picnic to celebrate Pride,

You had diety foods and I had mine deep fat fried,

And, that diet special latte you drink,

Smells like the drain in our sink,

After that mouse crawled in it and died.

MY INGROWN TOE-NAIL

My ingrown toe-nail I can't lie,
Made my bug eyes cry and cry,
It was such pain,
I became insane,
I sliced off my toe nail with a wood plane.

THE CORN ROAST LIMERICK

Moose Gillies would brag and would boast,
About his annual summer corn roast,
But, this year he got bent,
When in the fire the corn went,
And, was burnt blacker than his wife's turkey breast roast.  

THE SNACK DOG

My puppy would only eat snacks,

Like cheese on tasty bacon cracks,

And, ice cream in a cup

Was his favorite sup,

He loved popcorn in big buttery sacks.

MY PUPPY HAD A BIG BOWL MOVEMENT

My pup moved his bowl from the mudroom to the fridge,

Then, he sat there next to it looking over the bowl ridge,

He ached in his soul,

For fridge food in his bowl,

He wouldn't have prevailed except for my kid sister Midge.

A ZOMBIE CAME AND ATE MY LUNCH

A zombie came and ate my lunch,
It was two root beers and Captain Crunch,
I asked why he didn’t eat me,
He said I was too smelly,
So, I gave that old zombie a punch.

DO NOT LEAVE PLASTIC CUP ON TOP OF WOODSTOVE HAIKU

Wood-stove, top, hot iron,
Plastic cup, wood-stove top, melt,
Fire, smoke, fumes, sick..

TAINTING THEN PAINTING: OYSTERS FOR SUPPER

I served some oysters that were tainted,

Result, my toilets my kinfolk painted,

Then, as my home filled with vapors,

I had to go buy toilet papers,

At last, with sights and smells, I done well fainted.

MY DRIP COFFEE MAKER DRIPS NO MORE

My drip coffee maker drips no more,

It's a holiday so, I can't get to a store,

And, without my coffee buzzy,

The world is looking fuzzy,

I guess I'll just pass out and fall on the floor. 

MY BLUEBERRIES ON HOLD

My dried blueberries were all full of mold,

I kept them in the crawlspace which is a bad place I'm told

So, I ordered more,

To be brought to my door,

But, the season is over so, my order is on hold.

I CUT A BUG IN TWO LIMERICK

With a knife I cut a bug in two,
Then from each half a new half grew,
Each bug gave me a bite,
The pain inspired an insight,
"Squashing the bug was the right thing to do".

THE TEXTING WHILE DRIVING LIMERICK

Texting and driving I just overdo,
That's why I crashed into the  bear cage at the Big City Zoo,
Then, all the bears left their cage,
Went on an eating rampage,
Now, the victim's families are threatening to sue. 

NO GINGERBREAD FOR WHEN I SLED

Someone ate my gingerbread,
That I had saved for riding sled,
Now, out through the snow,
I must hungry go,
Without being gingerbread fed.

VILLAGE WITHOUT INTERNET (A Curse of Witches)

I live in a village where witches are banned,

So, Sunday burnings of found witches is planned,

The witches curse us and wiggle,

As we towns folk all giggle,

And, the towering infernal is fanned.

PLEASE ZOMBIES, LEAVE MY BRAINS ALONE

Please, zombies leave my brains alone,
It took years of schoolwork to get them grown,
There are not that many there,
That I have any brains to spare,
Besides, my skull is a really rock hard bone,

Addendum:
Biting my skull is so uncouth,
Besides, you might just break a tooth,
You see for you zombies I really care,
So, go get your brain food from elsewhere.

WHEN IN A STUPID PLACE, DO AS THE STUPID DO OR, YOU'LL GET BURNED

My neighbor's mathematics uses just fingers and toes,

So, head sums brought me a witchcraft sentence of woes,

My neighbors burned me at the stake,

Then, my cows they did take,

When amongst the stupid, using your brain really blows.

PRACTICAL PETER AND HIS LITTLE BRO HARVEY

Practical Peter, the over eater, over ate so, that one day he wouldn't starve,

Practical Peter, with a girth of three meter, ate just meat that he carefully carved,

He selected meat young and tender,

From fat animals, none slender,

Practical Peter got an electric seater when, come up missing was his little bro Harv.

I CHEAT AND MUST GET PRESCRIPTION DRUGS

I fall for one type and, they are called villain,

They cheat on me and tell me to be chillin',

And, what is worse more,

When I try to even the score,

I end up being prescribed penicillin.

TWO MONKEYS IN MY BATHROOM

Two monkeys broke into my bathroom and they both used my toothbrush,

One monkey drank my mouthwash because that monkey was a lush,

The other chewed my toilet paper,

That was his major caper,

I'm so embarrassed by these crimes I think I'll be hush, hush.

HOW I CHEAT AT GOLF LIMERICK

I had a quiet little dog that I called Hoagie,
He helped me cheat at golf so I’d get a bogey,
With stealth he moved the ball,
Before the best eyes could call,
For a reward I’d buy him a stogy.

MY HIGH SCHOOL HALFTIME MARCHING BAND

The trumpets were blasting in the middle of the game,

The woodwinds were flat and the drum section was lame,

Yet, out on the field,

Even in rain they didn't yield,

And, the marching band at half-time earned their fame.

Some marchers swerved to the left,
Some swerved to the right,
Some lines stretched out,
Some lines got tight,

And, all through the drenching rain,
Their lips and fingers were either numb or in pain,
But, the marchers knew dedication would not be forgot,
For their final formation was a big tater tot.

JUNE FIRST QUARTER MOON LIMERICK

In June there was a first quarter moon,
My cell new phone went dead way too soon,
I would not say it was bad luck,
But, I got hit by a truck,
My car looks like a deflated balloon.

PHIL THE FARMER-Limerick

Phil the farmer really likes his lunch,
He eats ham and, cheese and, cherry punch,
His teeth have gone bad,
And, he lost them, so sad,
He can't eat anything that goes crunch.

MY COMPUTER HAD A BAD DAY

My computer had a really bad day,

My spilled coffee made my Windows go away,

My computer made a scene,

By giving me a blank screen,

I got it fixed but, boy did I pay.

DANCING DON THE POLKA DANCE KING

Dancing Don was the great polka dance king,
He danced the polka at every wing ding,
But, one day he fell,
And, gave out a yell,
Now, his leg has a cast and his arm has a sling.

GRANDMA'S PORCELAIN RABBIT

My porcelain rabbit went to the floor,
It scattered pieces from the TV to the door,
The rabbit had been in grandma's old bookcase,
But, I think I'll not replace,
I'll use the money to buy a pizza, ...toppings four.

INSTANT COFFEE AND ICE CREAM BAR STARS

Way out among the distant stars,

I've heard they eat nothing but, ice cream bars,

If I could get some dough,

To those stars, I would go,

Bringing lots of instant coffee in jars.

DRAT! I'M NOT A NUGGET

I tested my dogs DNA and found out he is a cat,

I tested my kitties DNA and found out she is a bat

So then, I tested my own,

I found out I'm just a limestone,

I had hoped I was a gold nugget so, drat! 

IGOR HATED THE FIRST OF JUNE

Igor hated the first day of June,
That's the day his marriage went out of tune,
But, by the first of July,
Igor celebrated on high,
With his new wife on their honeymoon.

HUBA DUBA DO NOT

The couple spent all their time watching the HUB,

Eating pork rinds and becoming real tub,

To live through just what you sees,

Is one easy please,

But, no calories burned, that's the rub.

WHEN I DRIVE BRING A CHANGE OF UNDERWEAR

The traffic is bad on the road,

I swerved to avoid crushing a toad,

I then side swiped a truck,

Veered i to a ditch full of muck,

Then, my passenger's bowels passed a load.

THE BAT

A bat was nesting beneath boards on my porch,
He came out when down went the daylight torch,
He’d eat bugs all the night,
Then at first light,
He would hide before he could scorch.

A bat left droppings all over my porch boards,
His droppings were many; he ate insects in hoards,
I chased him away,
But, by the end of the day,
He came back and shrieked in hideous chords.

I HAD A BUG UPON MY TOE LIMERICK

I had a bug upon my toe,
He bit it firm and caused me woe,
I had often been bitten by the mosquito fly,
It made me itch until I thought I'd die,
But, the bug on my toe laid eggs to let grow.

MY PLANE NOT FLY HAIKU

Plane not fly, weather,
Coffee, wait, pop, wait, coffee,
Bathroom break, missed plane.

PICKUP RELIABILITY

My old pickup truck, it runs like flirtin',

It takes you so far but, that's not for certain,

It has starts and stops,

It booms, farts and, pops,

If you needs be someplace, you're hurtin',

BE A LIGHTNING ROD AT DORM

To get attention while away at dorm,

Play tetherball during a lightning storm,

It's brave to risk your bod,

Playing round a lightening rod,

Of course, if there's a strike it'll change your form.

SUMMER HOLIDAY BLUES

Summer Holiday,

Gas Grill, Burgers, Hot Dogs, Buns,

Egg Salad, Gut Aches   

ALWAYS FOLLOW A LEADER IF, THEY HAVE MEAT

Always follow your leader if they might have something to eat,

Especially, if your leader might have candy bars, chips or meat,

Or, Even if it's veggie stew,

That smells just like a stomach flu,

At least it would taste better than, some roadkill on the street.

HOPING FOR AN OINTMENT

My rubber gloves didn't keep the promise of a seal,
After cleaning toilets with chemicals my skin started to peel,
So, to the doctor I go,
With peeled hands for the show,
Hoping for an ointment that will heal.

MY PATH TO GONDOLIER SCHOOL

I thought I'd try my hand at tennis,
But, after many fly balls I was labeled a menace,
I was ordered off the court,
To attempt a  new sport,
Now, I'm a  gondolier in old Venice.

The Sunday Sports News

The Sunday paper read is sad,

All my local teams have endings, bad,

But, they will survive,

And, next season thrive,

When this season's over, I'll be glad.

THE MEMORIAL DAY TURKEY LIMERICK

My plumpest turkey was named Steve,

He earned himself a Thanksgiving reprieve,

Not too much to brag,

But, he saluted the flag,

On Memorial Day morning and eve.