THE END OF THE UNIVERSE AND ME

What if the universe runs out of time,
Can I still eat my beef that is labeled as prime?
Can I admire my gardens of veggies and flowers?
Or, nip away at cheap whisky I flavor with sours?
When the universe ends for all these things I will pine,
So, I'll now increase consumption, so at the end I won't whine.

THE PRICE OF VANITY (A LIMERICK)

I hung my own picture on the wall,
It fell on my wood stove and that's not all,
After my nighttime retire,
My picture caught fire,
Now, I live on a bench in the mall.

IT SNOWED ON MY FOURTH OF JULY COOKOUT

It snowed on my Fourth of July cookout,
So, I had to order some Fourth of July took-out,
But, even with a downpour,
The fireworks would soar,
And, from inside we stood and would lookout.

I STEPPED ON A TOAD AND HAD A BAD HAIR DAY

When I walked through the forest grim,
I stepped on a toad and squashed poor him,
But, he was a barber toad,
Who felt revenge he was owed,
So, he gave my hair a bad trim.

MY BOARD GAME WINNINGS

While playing a board game that had a pair of red dice,
I noticed my opponent was scratching head lice,
I won that board game,
But, my win was so lame,
For my itchy skull was no prize but, a price.

RANDY HAD A LITTLE RASH

Randy had a little rash,
He cleared it up but, it cost some cash,
So, he took a job in a sewer,
Which was such a peuwer,
He covered his face with a sash.

COW'S MILK IN THE CITY

I went outside to find a cow,
I needed milk to feed my meow,
But, there were no cows in my city,
Some said I was dim-witty,
So, for market milk I'll settle for now.

I BEAT MY DOOR WITH A ROCK

My dorm room door I beat down with a rock,
Because my roommates had changed the lock,
And, after that date,
I knew how'd I rate,
So, I put all their electronics in hock.

THEY CALL ME A TROLL

I love getting reactions when with words I deceive,

By making comments online that I don't believe,

Now, without regard for my soul,

I've been labeled a troll,

By those whom I conclude are naive.  (Or, maybe not.) 

THE HOW DO I VOTE LIMERICK

In the election I don't know how to vote,
All the politicians just seem so remote,
I guess I'll vote for the best dancers,
Maybe they'll have the best answers,
I'd vote for bakers but, they all sugarcoat.

THE WORD "ARITHMETIC" STARTS WITH AN "A" LIMERICK

"Arithmetic" starts with an "A",
With such a good letter I should've had a good day,
But, what would it be?
On my math test was an "E",
So, in 1st grade I guess I will stay.

MY HOUND DOG BIT MY FACE OFF

My dog bit my face off and it was not pleasant,
He can't see too well and thought I a pheasant,
I don't blame him too much,
And, my face needed a touch,
Now, I don't look just like another peasant.

I SHUCKED A PEANUT

I shucked a peanut and no nut was there,
It was a great disappointment that I could not bare,
So, I shucked another,
It had no nut like it's brother,
Then, I started pulling out handfuls of my hair.

THE ROTTEN FISH IN A BAG LIMERICK

My dog Jim found a fish in an old paper bag,
It smelled bad but Jim's tail did a vigorous wag,
It did not me take much of a study,
To see Jim had a new little buddy,
A buddy that just made me gag.

THE FIRE DANGER LIMERICK

I started a bonfire on Memorial Day,
The forest caught fire and I was blamed right away,
But, I told them I bet,
It was a cigarette,
For I let some lit ones go astray.

STAR SHIPS, SKYSCRAPERS AND BUILDING CODES

Randy built skyscrapers way up in the sky,
He built them way up where star ships would fly,
But, it really is sad,
How things went so bad,
Randy was ticketed for being too high.

THE TAXES PAST DUE LIMERICK

My taxes are past due,
Now, I'm in deep stew,
And, I'm feeling blue,
There's no one to sue,
My accountant, to the Cayman Islands he flew.

I BROKE MY TEABAG

My teabag breaks and spoils my drink,
I don't drink my tea so, all day I couldn't think,
I did try a Coke,
But, the Coke bottle broke,
When it went down the disposal in the sink.

IT SNOWED AND FROZE MY PICKLE BUDS

It snowed and froze my pickle buds,
Now my pickle blossoms are just cruds,
And, it's so late in the season,
This cold spring is a treason,
I'll feel better when I crack open some suds.

THE MICROWAVE DISH MALFUNCTION

My microwave dish today did not please,
For it melted and mixed with my cheddar cheese,
And, it was without any pleasure,
Disposing of my cheddar treasure,
And, that bright golden cheddar did tease.

MY PSYCHIC TOLD ME I COULD BE PRESIDENT

My psychic told me I could be president,
So off to the primaries I gleefully went,
But, when I got there,
They made fun of my hair,
I guess my hair didn't quite fit their tent.

OLD SNOOK CUT DOWN MY APPLE TREE

Old Snook cut down my apple tree,
I told Old Snook to leave it be,
But, Snook needed a thrill,
Because dry was his still,
And, he blamed his lost liquor on me.

PICK LOW EXPECTATOINS

It's best to be not very bright,
Or, you'll get calls all day and night,
But, stupid brains they get to rest,
Low expectations,
So, none will pest.

THE FOOD CHAIN IN MY HOME

Although I warned him it was not suppy,
My swordfish ate my baby guppy,
Then, my swordfish just smiled,
He was a pernicious child,
So, I fed my swordfish to my sweet puppy.

SPROUT PRIDE AND THE RABBIT

I was proud of my little bean sprouts,
On media I bragged with my touts,
Then, along came a rabbit,
With a bean sprout eating habit,
Now, my touts are all met with real doubts.

I TIME MACHINED BACK TO THE OLD WEST I

I took my time machine back to the Old West,
Where I heard the living was the best,
But, a scorpion sting,
Made my tenor voice sing,
Then, I fell into a rattlesnake nest.

JIM'S MORTGAGE WAS SINK OR SWIM

With Jim's mortgage it was sink or swim,

In choices the banks gave no other,

So, Jim chose the choice easiest for him,

He moved in with his mother. 

IT'S WHAT'S INSIDE THAT COUNTS

We are all made up of blood and guts,
And things that make nasty puddles,
But, hair and skin,
No matter how thin,
Makes it OK when the nasty stuff cuddles.

SANTA WENT OUT ON THIN ICE

Santa went out on the ice on the bay,
Chasing a reindeer that had just run away,
But, the ice wasn't good,
Where the heavy elf stood,
He said "Ho, Ho," as he went under that day.

BY MY HOUSE ON A HILL WAS A TREE

By my house on a hill was a tree,
I cut the tree down but, I should have left the tree be,
For, the tree held up the hill,
My house made a topple-down spill,
And, I was buried beneath the hill, house and tree.

I GET LOW ON CASH EVERY TIME THE MARKETS CRASH

I get very low on cashes,
Every time the market crashes,
It seems I just buy a stock,
Then, within a tic-toc,
I feel the bite of regret lashes.

THE TAX JINGLE

Bill had to see a tax-attorney,
Or, to the federal prison journey,
But, his taxes still were far out of sight,
So, Bill left on the next international flight.

THE DOCTOR'S BILL

Sydney was such a pill,
He couldn't remember to pay his doctor's bill,
Through his mental disturbance,
He caused much perturbance,
Now, he has a room with no window or sill.

I SHOT MY SLINGSHOT STRAIGHT UP INTO THE AIR

I shot my slingshot straight up into the air,
My shot went way, way, way, way, way, way up there,
The shot fell from up there so far,
Through the windshield of my car,
Now, my slingshot has brought me despair.

IGNORING ONLINE VERBAL MEANIES LIMERICK

So many people are bitter,

When they make pronouncements on twitter,

But, Rose tweets all day long,

And, relies on her bong,  

To ignore the verbal meanies who hit her.

A RARE-BOURBON OR A BUCK AND A QUARTER FOR BEER

Passionate Pete Porter
Was a rare-bourbon snorter,
But, one day he tried beer,
Then, his new passion was clear,
And, each glass cost just a buck and a quarter.

MOLLY MELANCHOLY FOUND A CAREER

Molly was so melancholy,
She went to funerals to feel jolly,
And, at the service where others would mourn,
She'd crack a soda and eat popcorn,

While other girls at night would roam,
Molly spent her nights at the funeral home,
Molly so much loved the death tradition,
Molly studied and became the town mortician.

MY LIFE NEXT TO A CHEMICAL PLANT

The well water from my tap looks really funny,
It's brown and gooey and not very runny,
Now, it might be caused by the chemical plant next door,
And, what they were dumping the night before,

But, at least it's easier to breathe the air,
For what they dumped on the ground was not burned in their care,
And, at least in part it was answered; my healthy environment prayer,
 For only in part do I have a toxic chemical scare.

WHEN I WENT TO SEE THE BEARS

When I was a little boy I would beg my parents to take me to see the bears.  So, my parents would drive out to the garbage dump and there we'd watch the black bears; the big ones, the little ones and all the in-betweens.  The bears rummaged through all the waste on the ground as they stirred up an airborne sea of flies.  The stench made me sick to my stomach but, the bears didn’t seem to mind as they dug their noses deep into the heaps of stinking cans, papers and broken dishes.  And, they turned over with their great paws old shredded tires, looking for their dinner.  

We’d watch the bears from the car until it started to get dark.  By that time there were a lot of bears mulling around the dump and they were getting closer and closer to the car.  Then, when the light was really dim, we drove up the dirt road to the main road leaving the bears to continue hunting for a meal.  So, I got to see the bears.  I was a very spoiled little boy.

THE WIND BLOWS AND BLOWS AND BLOWS LIMERICK

The wind blows and blows and blows,
My trailer's roof into the sky it goes,
Then, away went the doors,
The walls and the floors,
From the basement I numbered my woes.

MY TARGET BOW

I decided to try out my target bow,
I pulled back the string and let it go,
But, here's the thing,
When I let go of the string,
It snapped my fingers and that caused me great woe.

THE LOVES OF MISS TAM

My dear little lady Miss Tam,

Was the peanut butter that I thought went with my jam,

But, her first love was for another,

Namely, her overprotective mean mother,

Then, her next love was cabbage rolls full of ham.

THE JANUARY GRIZZLY BEAR THAW AND KNAW

During this last January thaw,

Out from the snow flailed a grizzly bear's claw,

So, I ran away,

Still am running today,

But, the grizzly will soon have me for a knaw.  

A COMPLETELY STUPID LIMERICK

While I was away fishing on a bridge,

A giant tuna robbed my fridge,

And, what was taken?

It was ten pounds of bacon,

The tuna fried my bacon on a high mountain ridge.

MY COW DRANK WATER FROM MICHIGAN'S FLINT RIVER LIMERICK

My cow wandered down to the Flint River to drink,

She took only one sip and then she turned bright pink,

Now, she no longer gives milk,

But, all day just spits silk,

It's the river water that caused this I think.

SOMEONE STOLE MY LUNCHBOX

I'm kind of a saver, clever fox,
Saving money by taking my lunch,
But, each day my lunchbox was stolen,
Along with my thermos full of punch,

I tried to protect my black lunch box,
And, I was not very vague,
I had written on it in red marker,
"BELONGS TO VICTIM OF BUBONIC PLAGUE,"

But, my lunchbox still went missing,
Along with my thermos full of punch,
Now, it's restaurant soup I am kissing,
And, my budget has suffered a crunch.

SALESMAN ON THE ROAD LIMERICK

To get up early every day,
And, write an itinerary by which to play,
It's a meaningless job,
For every Tom, Dick and Bob,
It's the life of a salesman gone away.

JIM'S BLING

Jim thought removing his bling would limit his power,
So, Jim cleaned his bling when he took a shower,
But, on one really hot water day,
Jim's bling melted away,
Now, Jim has decorated himself with a flower.

MY CIGAR AND BROWN SPOTTY BLIGHT LIMERICK

My cigar just would not light,
I left it out in the rain all night,
So, I threw it in the dryer,
Moved the heat setting higher,
Now, my cloths have a brown spotty blight.

OFFICE WORKER LIMERICK

Pam tapped her keyboard as she typed tippy tap,
Pam sucked down a soda as her earbuds boomed rap,
Pam worked in an office.
For a lawyer named Crawfice,
Pam filled out legal documents  with crap.

THE TURKEY IN MY SOUL

There is a turkey in my soul,
Because last Thanksgiving you see I stole,
At the Thanksgiving feast,
The wishbone of the beast,
And mom's sterling silver gravy bowl.

IT''S NEW YEARS EVE AND I'M WATCHING A DOCUMENTARY ON KING TUT

It’s New Years Eve and my girl Mary,
Ran off with some dude she called Barry,
Even my pup ran off with some mutt,
Leaving me watching a documentary on the life of king Tut,

I’m so very glad that this year,
Has reached its imminent demise,
I shed not a single tear,
I hope next year I’ll be wise,

No girlfriends for me,
No pets for me anymore,
I’ll cherish the time I am free,
While only myself I’ll adore.

THE FISH WITH JUST ONE FIN

There once was a fish with just one fin,
He swam around and around again,
All in circles he went,
Till his fuel was all spent,
Then a big catfish made him his din.

SANTA ON CHRISTMAS DAY

On Christmas day Santa sat smoking his pipe,
He had just opened up a new can of fresh tripe,
His job was now over,
No coin till October,
But, Mrs. Claus could get work; she could type.

DON'T BE LATE FOR CHRISTMAS DINNER

Christmas turkey meal,
Really late, not much food left,
Skin, gravy, half bun.

Day off, sleep in, late,
Christmas dinner done, no food,
Present, alarm clock.

TINA HAD A SILVER DOLLAR COLLECTION LIMERICK

Tina had a silver dollar collection,
Each night she’d get them out for her inspection,
To her numismatic joy,
Two of them had a boy,
She found a fifty- cent Franklin by detection.

ED THE CHRISTMAS HAM

My favorite little pig is Ed,
He has these big brown eyes,
But, when it comes to a Christmas ham,
He'll have a big surprise.

I MADE A CHEESE-BALL WITHOUT CHEESE

I made a holiday cheese-ball without cheese,
Because, dairy makes my kinfolk wheeze,
But, the sawdust and dust,
Gave my cheese-ball a crust,
I guess some people you just cannot please.

BEVERLY MADE A RASPBERRY PIE LIMERICK

Beverly made a pretty raspberry pie,
It had a great smile yet, only one eye,
But, before you could sneeze,
She made an eye patch out of cheese,
Now her pie looks like the pirate Captain Bly,

DAVID THE YOUNG MAN OF DREAD

David was a young man of dread,
He was always unhappy in his head,
He looked down and not up,
Like some sad little pup,
While blue skies hid dark clouds in their stead.