WET DOG DINNER

My pet turkey went feral and ate Chewy, the nice dog,

Chewy had six puppies to feed, and pets goldfish and frog,

A bonfire made things seem alright,

We roasted murderer turkey that night,

 But the turkey tasted just like wet dog on a log.

Dave's Daylight Savings Time Outfit

Dave just had to start golfing, now that days have gone long,

He was all fitted up with new golf shoes and golf thong,

Not to be mean,

But out on the green,

The thong just kinda looked wrong.

PEEP THE GATOR AND SLEEP

With one less hour of sleep,

I'm afraid, on the road I can't keep,

I'll slide off the edge,

Then the river, they'll dredge,

And find my bones in  gator named Peep.

THE GOVERNMENT IS TAKING MY SLEEP AWAY

The authorities are demanding, I give up one hour of sleep,

But I'm thinking, that maybe, that sleep I should keep,

Daylight Savings Time,

Is a humanitarian crime,

Those who agree, honk your horn and go "Beep!"

TENT CAMPING WITH TILDA

Tilda the Tent kept everyone warm,

Tilda kept heads dry during the thunderstorm,

The lightning came free,

Striking both tent posts and me,

Tilda the tent was now in rag form.

AT DOMINOES I STINK BUT, AT CHESS I WIN WITH DRINK

Little numbers I'm not good to choose,

So at dominoes I was destined to loose,

So I played at chess,

The moves I did guess,

I did better; I think it were the good booze.

DAYLIGHT SAVINGS CONFUSED

Soon we will jump one whole hour ahead,

I'll lose sleep for one week and feel very brain dead,

What is left and right?

Why stop at red light,

And do I pickup our baby or visit grandpa instead?

THE INTERN

There once was an old man,  most called him a Vern,

He worked in TV as an aging intern,

His promotions were slow,

And real pay was a "No",

Vern never gave up, figured soon, come his turn.

PIGS IN A PICKLE

Farley was a chicken farmer, who was allergic to chicken meat,

So he would have to eat chicken eggs, if chicken he was to eat,

One day Farley ate some pork,

And new flavors he did uncork,

So Farley switched to raising pigs, and dined on their pickled feet.

VIGILANTE PORCH PIRATE JUSTICE

Three porch pirates walked into a bar,

Each showed their biggest porch pirating scar,

One lost two fingers to a machete,

Another lost his pelvis to a pet Yetii,

The third got his head chopped, it now floats in a jar.

MY TOOTHBRUSH DROWNED IN A TOXIC POND

My toothbrush fell into the toilet, before it had been flushed,

It was like family, that toothbrush, so now I'm completely crushed,

My 5 siblings hit the toilet first,

None flush, afraid pipes will burst,

Now I must decide my friend's sad fate, I will not be rushed.

THE WINEMAKER BRAGS AND PUCKERS

My homemade wine was doing fine, until the little flies came calling,

The little flies contaminated my wine, and then I couldn't stop bawling,

The little flies had put me in a real bad place,

Their vinegar wine gave me a pucker-face,

My friends want a glass of my bragged up wine, and I just keep on stalling.

MY GARBAGE CAN IS NOT WELL

My garbage came down with the flew,

A truck hit it, and the can was brand new,

It was so sad,

For the can, I felt bad,

For my grief, I think the driver I'll sue.

THE WIND PUSHED ME FROM THE AIR, TOWARD DEATH AND DESPAIR

I was high in the sky with my little plane,

When the sky decided to have a plane drain,

I raced to the ground,

And made a "BOOM!" sound,

Now I walk round my hood with a cane.

THE BUTTERFLY EFFECT, LIMERICK

I saw a pretty butterfly, but it was already dead,

It seems a bird had seen it first, and nibbled off it's head,

But at least I viewed the wings,

All pretty colors, and design things,

So I bought some matching sheets, to be a butterfly in bed.

FENDING OFF DISEASE AND BUGS

Varmints come and varmints go,

Some bring lice; some virus woe,

Don't be a dope,

Wash hands soap,

And shower from head to toe.

MY TWEET, TWEET WAR

I got told off, and it was bitter,

By a bot troll, trolling Twitter,

They said I was a stupid quitter,

Said I should shut up, or I'd getter,

I addressed the bot, called them, Dim Witter. 

PRETTY PAM OR THE PIG

Terry had a little lamb, named her Pretty Pam

He treated Pretty Pam, like she was some close fam,

Terry did not remember,

To buy groceries in December,

So Terry ate his little lamb, but spared his pig, named Fatso Sam.

THE PIZZA POEM

MY PIZZA
I went and bought a pizza,
I thought it really fine,
I set out my best paper plates,
And, poured out some red wine,

I invited over good friends,
So, together we could sup,
But, before my friends could get here,
My dog ate my pizza up.

IF YOU CAN'T KEEP A GOLDFISH ALIVE

Mommy says I can't have a puppy, unless I can keep a goldfish alive,

So far that's not going well, no matter how hard I strive,

Most fish die by week two,

Some make it three, just a few,

I fear I may never have a puppy; I just turned 35.

Mommy says I can't start dating, unless I can keep a goldfish alive...