WHY ZOMBIES CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS

Zombies complain that they don't have nice stuff

Of course, Zombies tend to live in the ruff,

They have no schooling,

Always leaking and drooling,

They stagger and crash, acting real tough.

ZOMBIES LIKE A NICE DINNER

I went to a restaurant to eat bacon and eggs,

They said the only protein they served, walked on two legs,

It was a zombie cuisine,

Special was brains wrapped with spleen,

And a shot of blood vodka was served free to the regs.

VAMPIRES CELEBRATE THE FOURTH WITH PIE

At every fireworks display on the  4th Of July,

Vampires rain down on tourists, from out of the sky,

The tourists are alarmed,

But not seriously harmed,

The vampires just need blood, for gram cracker crust pie.

ZOMBIES ON THE FOURTH

The zombies attacked on the 4th Of July,

They ate my best friends, Herbie and Guy,

Then the rocket glared,

The zombies got scarred,

And I ate burgers, and finished with pie.

THE VAMPIRE WHO WANTED TO BE REGULAR

I once knew a vampire, who mixed his blood with prune juice,

He said that he did it, to keep his bowels loose,

He said in year 607,

He got tossed out of heaven,

And permanently injured his caboose. 

THE RED DRAGON EATS...

I am the Red Dragon and I like to roar,

I got to eat people, nothing good at the store,

I tried some cheese,

But it made me sneeze,

It's tasty people flesh, I adore.

DOES DRAGON RHYME WITH PAGAN?

The giant green dragon,

Bent my best red wagon,

My wagon is sagging,

Dragon tail is rear dragging,

I'm a cursed little pagan.

MONSTERS HAVE MAMAS TOO (HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!!!)

Zombies celebrate Mother's Day in the afternoon,

Werewolves only celebrate, if there be a full moon,

Vampires celebrate after dark,

Then mama's kiss leaves a neck mark,

They all play creepy music, like some Bachy organ tune.

MY KITH AND KIN FINALLY GOT SOME BRAINS BETWEEN 'EM

I was attacked by zombies, and they were my kith and kin,

They opened my head, ate my brains like sardines in a tin,

Fed kids who were poor,

The old ones who snore,

All were satisfied by me, as I fed them their din, din.

THE WEIRD LITTLE VAMPIRE BITES WOOD

There was a little vampire, who bit me on my leg,

I implored him not to, because my leg was a wood peg,

He then felt lots of grief,

When he broke off his teeth,

Now he goes to blood banks, for his nourishment he must beg.

He'll Never Eat Zombie Again

The zombies came for a meal of my brains,

I killed them with my saw that spins chains,

Zombie parts flew everywhere,

Smell attracted a big bear,

Zombie meat gave the big bear belly pains.

ZOMBIE EATS BRAINS

He just rose up from the dead and started eating people's brains,

But after eating all that gray matter, no memories he retains,

I thought it'd be a joke,

If I gave him a finger poke,

Then he chomped down on my forehead, and gave my skull such pains.

I BUILT A MONSTER

I built me a monster out of body parts and old souls,

I wanted a friend, but it had other goals,

It conquered the earth,

Which hurt my net worth,

And it used it's strength to rip me new holes.

DEMON DAZE AT THE GROCERY STORE

100 hungry demons came storming through my door,

They ate my pets and family, still they wanted more,

I know demons are really bad,

But I couldn't see them looking sad,

So I gave them lots of money and sent them to the grocery store.

GRANDMA AND THE FOUR BEARS

Four bears ate at grandpa's, but he was just a munch,

He was old and skinny and not a satisfying lunch,

But the bears found a winner,

When they ate grandma for dinner,

She was full of whiskey she had laced within her punch.

THE DEMON DAZE SPECIAL

It's Demon Daze at the local grocery Store,

If you are a demon, you get deep discounts and more,

You get free coffee and donut holes,

Plastic microwavable bowls,

And every 13th demon wins a prize at the door.

ZOMBIES

I always make sure I shoot the zombie in the head,

That's the only sure way you know that zombie be dead,

If you pass a zombie too near,

He's sure to bite you on the ear,

Then you be squirting out red.

DEMONS ARE SOMETIMES JUST MISUNDERSTOOD, AND VIOLENT

There was a little demon, who stole all of my dry goods,

I caught him making pancakes, way out yonder near the woods,

I demanded he give my dry goods back,

Instead he burnt down my barn and shack,

Of course demons can be violent, which I misunderstoods.

THE LITTLE DEMON DINNER PARTY

I went and found a demon, eating his dinner out in the wood,

He was chomping on someone's arms and legs, while smacking his lips real good,

He asked me if I'd sit down and sup,

I said, "no thanks", before I threw up,

The demon replied, " more for me", as I turned back towards my neighborhood.

TROLLNG FOR MONSTERS WAY OUT IN THE BAY

I was trolling for monsters way out on the bay,
I thought I had caught one when my line spooled away,
But, it was negative rub,
When up came the sub,
Then, the sub dove and I followed, good day.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay, 
Then, a big one swallowed me and my boat all the way,
My mind was real dizzy,
As I was digested in fizzy,
Now, as poop on the bottom I lay.

I was trolling for monsters way out in the bay,
When I fell in love with a monster some fishermen say,
Our first hatched we named Barry,
Was both scaly and hairy,
Married a walrus and moved to LA.