THE LAKE MICHIGAN SERPANT NAMED SAM

In Lake Michigan there was a serpent named Sam,
He swimed, he swum and, he swam,
He swam up a river,
To make Salmon quiver,
But, his tail got caught in a Damn.

Sam likes to sink really small vessels,
But with bigger boats Sam wrestles,
If he has not the muscle,
He'll lose out in the tussle,
He then swims to his cave where he nestles.

FUZZY WAZZY HAD HICCUPS (A NURSERY RHYME REVISITED)

Was Fuzzy Wazzy a real bear?

Or was he just someone, not quite all there,

He was weird and vicious, gave kids a scare,

He'd sit for hours, with that goofy stare,

Finally, they placed him in tender care,

Where he died from hiccups, it was balls of hair,

AMADEUS THE SKUNK LEFT HIS SCENT IN THE AIR LIMERICK

Amadeus the skunk left his scent in the air,
Everyone disliked it, but he seemed not to care,
One day while all alone,
Amadeus began to moan,
He opined for friends that just were not there.

1022

WE DON'T NEED LOCKS ON MARS

On Mars our pudding is full of rocks,

We have no mealtimes for we have no clocks,

We have no open water and no boat docks,

We have no birds so, we don't have flocks,

We have no companies so we don't trade stocks,

We have cold feet because we can't make socks,

We have no education except the school of hard knocks,

Our entire culture the universe mocks,

But, we have nothing to steal so we don't need locks. 

BUSTER THE BANJO PLAYER POEM

Buster was a banjo player,
He played the banjo well,
But, the only song in his repertoire,
Was the Overture to William Tell,

Buster could not read or write,
He didn't know one note from another,
He only learned to play William Tell,
From the whistling of his mother,

Buster tried to learn new songs,
He tried leaning them by ear,
But, when he tried to play the songs,
His audience would sob, "Oh Dear!"

Buster became so frustrated,
He decided not to play,
He figured music was overrated,
So, he sits and dreams all day.

I Have Election Day Troll Blues

There were so many election day trolls,

Who have nefarious goals,

Many come from overseas,

Offering nude body sleaze,

And, tell fibs about voting at polls.

FEEDING BIRDS HAIKU

Garden, Spading, Worms,
Birds, Squirmy, Meals, Yummy, Good,
Mowing Lawn, Bugs, Birds.

FEE-FI-FO-FOOP, I SMELL PORCH PIRATE SOUP

There was a little porch pirate who lived in the bushes near my stoop,

I knew he was living there, because I could smell his soup,

Every single day,

He'd steal my packages away,

Even my lawn mower, and my retro hula hoop.

MY TEAM LOST ME A QUARTER, QUACK, QUACK

It's Monday morning and my football team sucks,

I hate the digs from my coworker ducks,

They all quackity quack,

I got none to give back,

At least I bet in just quarters, not bucks.

AT THE OFFICE

Monday while the office coffee perks,

You realise there's five full days to work with jerks,

And, it's no surprise,

They'll spread evil lies,

About your poor choices and quirks.

DR. DAN FEEDS BEASTIES

Dan's Doctoral Thesis wss widely read,

Dan proposed alcohol made little beasties go dead,

Old Dan was a taker, not a giver,

He took too much wine and wrecked his liver,

In the ground, Dan makes sure the little beasties are feed.

DAN MET THE WEIRD SISTERS

Dan met up with three sisters and they were all weird,
They had a shocking appearance when they all appeared,
They told Dan he'd be king,
If ten dollars he'd bring,
Dan is out his ten dollars, it's feared.

BAD FRANKIE, BAD

Frankie was incarcerated for driving way too fast,

He would not have been caught, except an ambulance he passed,

That made the police hype,

Then there was Frankie's water pipe,

And the pedestrian Frankie put in a full body cast.   

ZOMBIES

I always make sure I shoot the zombie in the head,

That's the only sure way you know that zombie be dead,

If you pass a zombie too near,

He's sure to bite you on the ear,

Then you be squirting out red.

FLOTILLA PONTOONED

It's name was Flotilla, and that was my boat,

It was pontooned with pop bottles that held air, and could float,

Then way out on the bay,

It sank to the fish bones and clay,

That was the very last thing I wrote.

I TOOK MY DINGY TO NORTHPORT

I took my dingy to Northport to fish for the day,
But,a big speed boat was right in the way,
I asked if I could pass,
As they poured Champaign in their glass,
They then swamped me as they sped away.

MY SPACECRAFT RAN INTO A STAR

My Spacecraft by L. Brandt

My spacecraft ran into a star,
Now, my spacecraft will not go,
And, I did not pay my insurance bill,
So, I cannot get a tow,

I'm now stranded way out in deep space,
My oxygen is running low,
No one answers calls to my place,
And, I can't reach my good friend Joe,

I'd like to order pizza,
But, there's limits on my doe,
Alone and hungry in deep space,
There are no limits on my woe. 

BAD DENTIST

I grabbed pliers to fix the tooth that hurt,

It broke and the gum gave a blood squirt,

So I got some health administration,

From an ER vacation,

Well, it's better than napping in dirt.

THE TONE OF THE TOOTER

My tooter tooted a terrible tone,
The audience responded by giving my tooter the stone,
They showed what they meant,
With every stone made deep dent,
My tooter's tone I'm needing to hone.

I SHOULD HAVE ON EARTH

It was a big mistake for me to move to mars,

The air is  no good, and all they have are solar cars,

Fresh veggies won't keep,

The rent is not cheap,

And most residents are from faraway stars.