MY DONKEY RAN OFF TO A WARMER CLIMATE

There was a terrible snow blizzard, and my donkey ran far away,

I lost him in the blowing snow, he's in South America, some say,

My donkey was my transport to the village store,

Without him, I can't get groceries, anymore,

My stomach, in one place it won't stay, since I've been eating donkey hay.

THE RETURN OF THE ROBIN RED BREAST

From the south the robin red-breasted came flying,

I was quite tempted and imagined him frying,

Alas, the better angels in me,

Said, "let the red-breasted be free,"

I was appalled, watching the little worms dying.

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I WENT FISHING ON THE IDES OF MARCH

I rowed out upon the bay to fish, on the Ides of March,

I wanted some protein to fry, with my potato starch,

I was caught with some ale,

The police put me in jail,

I stayed there 60 years, and my back bent into an arch.

SQUEAKY SQUIRES' THRIFTY STORES

Squeaky Squires' put a chip in my brain,

So I could cashier at his store up in Maine,

We sell veggies by weights,

Expired goods with old dates,

I'll be your checkout if you use the fast lane.

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WHEN I EAT PERCH AND THEN SLEEP

Every time I eat fried perch and then sleep,

I dream I'm swimming in, out waters, in the way dark and deep,

I'm chased by walleye while, tiny fry are my meat,

I make quick choices to survive and maybe to eat,

And, all around I sense monsters: in the darkness they creep.  

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HENRY WAS MY DEMON FRIEND

Henry was a little demon; a little demon Henry was,

He always got his hair cut in a fun style, he called a "buzz",

Henry baked a nice pudding cake,

He took it to my cousin's wake,

I asked Henry why he  baked a cake, Henry replied, "just because".

THE SIMPLE WINNER

I won a set of new screwdrivers at the bingo hall,

I was so excited, when I got that last number call,

My porch has a loose board,

Now if a screw, I could afford?

I could stand on the board, and stand there real tall.

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I CREATED A MULTIVERSE WITHOUT EVEN TRYING

When I time travel the universe splits apart,

Into one that I've changed, and one that's the same from my start,

So, with this time travel curse,

I've created a multiverse,

This would really hurt my brain, if I were smart.

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TRINA AND THE PLAYGROUND RECKONING POEM

Trina's shoes are made of itchy plastics, and her clothes are made of plastics too,

Trina is allergic to all plastics, so she scratches all the time, boo hoo!

Trina can't play on the jungle gym,

She's been banned by a bully, named Tim, 

Trina sat and scratched, while on a swing,

Waiting for the recess bell to go, "ring",

Trina, finally had enough, and lost her cool,

She gave Tim a push, and she was banned from the school.

VAMPIRE ON THE BEACH

The vampire was in his coffin, and it was sitting by the great sea,

The coffin was hidden by some bushes, and guarded by a bumblebee,

When darkness came about,

The vampire came out,

Midnight swimmers every night, met the vampire, and eternity.

OFFICE POLITICS AND AI TECH

My bestest friend at work, my coworker, Jerry lost his mathematics job,

The company replaced him with a newborn AI, energy drinking slob,

I don't know what to say,

Jerry lost all his pay,

I know I'm next to go, unless they fire my enemy, the boss, Bob.

WHERE ARE MY STRAWBERRIES MR. SNOW

If my strawberry plants could enforce their say,

They'd force the spring snowfalls to go away,

Strawberry baby making is hard,

While snow covers every yard,

And, causes a strawberry season delay.

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I GOT KICKED OUT OF MARCHING BAND

Because my trumpet made an awful tone,

I was forced to play the sousaphone,

Because I ate too much starch,

My body wouldn't march, 

Now I sit in the bleachers, alone.

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BERNIE THE BEAVER, TOOTHED TREES FOR THE KING

Bernie was a big toothed beaver, and he toothed down thousands of big trees,

Bernie knew just how to fall them, checking the soil type, and the breeze,

Bernie checked wind speed and direction,

Studied soil types, for perfection,

Bernie felled his trees spot on, tight, and the king beaver, Bernie did please.

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OLD SKEGGEY, THE SKEGEMOG LAKE MONSTER

The Skegemog Lake monster attacked my tin boat,
He bit it in half, so it would no longer float,
But, I got a real special wish,
Skeggey was hungry for just fish,
I swam home and this limerick I wrote.

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I'M A SODA POP SHAKER

My soda pop went into my mouth, and jet sprayed out through my nose,

Now, I have soda pop stains upon my brand new, dollar store clothes,

I feel such soda pop, disdain,

And, I've got fizzy in my brain,

I still love shaking up my soda pop, even if my pop blows.

ITCHY CARPET

When I sit down on my carpet I start to itch,

I kind of blamed it on my little pooch, Mitch,

But, maybe it is not my little dog,

It could be my pet pig named Mog,

Or, my gerbils Frank, Leon and Rich.

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I WENT TO A SPACE STATION

I went to a space station to get some good rest,
But, they ran out of peanut butter, so I had to protest,
Then, they ran out of spaghetti,
That made me one angry yeti,
So, out the airlock they sent me as a pest.

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HEY SNOWMAN, LEAVE THOSE KIDS ALONE

By Tim Colin

Last night my brothers Ted, Mike, our colleague Gerrard, and I spent the night in a local children’s park waiting to capture one of the strange monsters known by the general public as snowmen. However, professional investigators like us, believe that some snowmen are tainted with evil, and come to life after midnight every December, when the moon is full.  Our organization learned of these evil snow demons from Gerrard’s great grandfather.

Gerrard’s great grandfather is named Hank, and he was born in Germany back in 1902.  Hank lives nearby the park and will often take a dog leash out for a walk through it.  Hank lost his pet poodle 20 years ago, but imagines that the pooch is still alive.  Hank feeds and waters his dog everyday, and after mid-night, he imagines taking his dog for a walk, so the dog can do its business in the children’s park.  Hank had told his great grandson Gerrard that he had seen a large snowman roaming around the park looking for people to switch with its long stick fingers.

According to Hank, people in the village where he was born believed that in December, when the moon was full, the snowmen made by children would come to life and switch the naughty children on the backside with the stick hands that stuck out of the abdomen.  Gerrard told us that this was an old Celtic legend.  I pointed out that the Celts were in Ireland and Scotland not Germany.  Gerrard responded “Well, my grandfather’s village was in the mountains, so he must have been a Highlander.”

I saw absolutely no problem with his logic.  Neither of my brothers said anything, because they have problems locating the United States on a map of North America.  My brother Mike thinks the nations of the world are arranged on the globe in alphabetical order.

Before we started our investigation, I decided to check out the story old Hank told Gerrard regarding a snowman prowling around the children’s park after mid-night.  I listened to a police scanner the other night, and sure enough, there were several reports about an old white man wandering around aimlessly in the park, when it was blowing snow and well below freezing.  I was then sure that the reports must have been about the snowman.  I then decided to assemble a team to sit out in the cold with me, and wait for the dangerous snow beast.  I figured Tim and Mike could fight the dangerous snowman, and since Gerrard was so slow, I could outrun Gerrard if need be, so the snowman would catch up to Gerrard first which would allow for me to escape.  I had things pretty well planned out.   Because no one knew what the snow creature’s intentions might be, I had Mike bring along a baseball bat so we had some means of defense, besides hope and snowballs.

When we arrived at the park last night, it was cold and quiet.  The clouds had parted, revealing a glowing white full moon.  There was a large snowman in the park, and luckily there was a snow fort built near enough to the snowman so we could hide, and observe the creature, and hopefully avoid being switched.   Unfortunately, the fort was not big enough for all four of us, so I persuaded my younger brother Mike, that he should find another place to hide.  He is not too bright, so I suggested that he make a snow angel and lie still in the angel indentation, and that the rest of us would cover Mike up with snow.  Mike made a show angel. We immediately covered him up with snow, and packed it down tightly so it didn’t look like a snow grave.  

Ted, Gerrard, and I hid behind the walls of the snow fort, waiting for the creature to start its demonic movements through the park.  Then a gust of wind blew up and at the same time we all saw the hands and arms of the snowman monster move.  “Did you see that?”  I asked.

“I can’t believe this,” responded Ted.  “I thought this was just a dumb story that Gerrard’s great grandpa made up to scare little kids and big sissies like Gerrard.”

“Well your grandpa believes in leprechauns,” retorted Gerrard.  “Who could believe in people dressed up in green running around with a pot of gold?  Everyone knows people with money work on Wall Street and run around wearing black suits and they keep their money in ATM machines.  I know, because I saw them using ATM machines when I went to New York as a kid.  Or, was that Mt. Pleasant?  I get those two cities mixed up a lot.  I think it was the city that has the bridge that goes to Canada.”

“Would you guys shut up,” I said.  “That thing is still moving out there, and I think it is creeping our way.  Where’s’ the bat?  We need to clobber that thing before it gets us.”

“I think we buried the bat with Mike,” answered Ted.  “We’ll have to ease over to Mike and dig him up in order to retrieve the bat.”

I had a better idea.  “Mike!” I hollered in a whispering voice, “Take the bat up to the monster and bash him in.  I can see the monster is going right for you now so hurry up you slow poke.”  Mike did not rustle under the snow.  He was either too afraid to act, or he had gone to sleep right when we needed him to defend us.  You just can’t count on family for anything.  I knew then that it was up to me to motivate Ted and Gerrard to attack the snow monster and save us all.  I motioned for Ted and Gerrard to ease along over to where Mike was buried.  I followed them.

When we reached my brother Mike, we unburied his face.  I slapped his face a couple of times, but he did not wake up.  Mike is a light thinker but a very deep sleeper.

“He does not look too good,” observed Gerrard.  “Is he still alive?”

“Right now that’s not important,” I responded.  “The important thing is that we need to save ourselves.  Besides, if Mike is completely frozen we can sell his internal organs on the Internet and make a fine profit.  Anyways, I’ll still have Ted here as a brother in case I need a kidney or something one day.”

Then Gerrard held up the baseball bat and said triumphantly, “I found it.”

Then, suddenly there was a tremendous gust of wind and the snowman started waving its arms and hands frantically, like Frankenstein’s monster.  The snowman came at us and I led the charge for about half the distance to the monster, and then I let Ted and Gerrard lead the way with Gerrard holding the bat in one hand with the top held over his right shoulder.  When Gerrard got close to the snow monster, he smashed it in the head with the bat.  With one swing of the bat the head of the monster disappeared.  Then Gerrard knocked off the dangerous branch arms from the beast.  Gerrard had to stop because he was having an asthma attack.  After a few seconds, Gerrard was fine.  Then my brother Mike woke up and came over to congratulate Gerrard for defeating the evil creature.  

I was truly glad that the ordeal was over, and the creature was now just a cowering pile of snow.  I was glad the snowman had not gotten to me because if it switched people for being bad, then I would have been switched a lot, because I have been a very bad boy, several times this last year.

Note:  The above short story is published courtesy of Humor News Outdoors Nuts web site.

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FISH TONS AND NOT TO BE

How many, many tons of salty fish, are in the whole sea?

That was the question that really bothered, the brain cells in me,

I couldn't sleep at night,

My fingernails, I'd bite,

Then when I died,  the question was what is meant by not to be?

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