TOO HOT TO BLOW NOSE

The sun got so volcano-like, darn hot 

Donny could not make any human, darn snot,

Without the nose cleaner,

His hay fever got meaner,

The only moisture was in Donny's pee pot.

JIMMY'S SONG

Jimmy's toe jams smelled,

He drank beer and his belly swelled,

He retired to teach,

At the beach,

Sea turtles, how to mind meld.

PORCH PIRATES COME CREEPING

My neighbors are porch pirates, who wait until I'm sleeping,

Then up to my door, they come a creeping,

And when I confront an offender,

They don't surrender,

They just tell me my package, they're keeping.

I HUNT THE HIGHWAYS

I stuck my dutch oven over the blazing campfire,

For I had found some fresh roadkill, still stuck to my tire,

No guess as to which varmint,

But my tire did harm it,

I just cannot waste meat, when food stores are so dire.

THE CURSE OF THE TOADSTOOL

My foot stepped upon a toadstool, now I feel like a toad,

I have this inclination, to sun myself out in the road,

First I'll eat a couple bugs,

I'll juice them out with tongue hugs,

I'm trying to walk upright, but my legs are just too bowed.

THE STINGING BEES

Stinging bees have such perfect bloodhound powers,

They can find you, even if you take showers,

For all the rest of the day,

I'll be in my tent with a spray,

It's a scent masking spray, that smells like flowers.

WOLVES IN THE WOODS LOVE HOTDOGS IN THE HOODS

It was the 4th Of July and the wolves in the woods,

Were eating all campers, wearing red ridding hoods,

They smelled like hotdogs some say,

Of the campers, tagged for prey,

Seems like red hoods, taste like hotdog roasted goods.

DON'T PLAY WITH FIREWORKS AND SPARKLERS

Authorities won't let me have fireworks, because last year I burned down a house,

This year I can only have sparklers, when supervised by the spouse,

But the sparklers burned my fingers,

The smell of burnt flesh, still lingers,

Playing with fires is so dangerous, I should have had a tanker of water for a douse.

THE COOKIE SQUIRREL AND THE NUMBERS GAL

My sister was always working her trig,

While I ate Newtons made out of fig,

I called her a bright girl,

She called me a squirrel,

She got a great job, while I only got big.

UNCLE DALE'S TOE NAILS AND BURGERS

I made me a burger but it was a food fail,

When I bit into the meat I found a toenail, 

Couldn't tell from which creature,

Came the unsightly bod feature,

But nearby were nail clippers, belonging to Dale.

THE HARD ROLL AND THE CHAW

I bit down on a rig in my roll,

Turned out it was anthracite coal,

It broke the teeth in my jaw,

Now I can't chew chaw,

That roll took a life changing toll.

I CHURNED THROUGH SPACE AND TIME; NOW I'M IN JAIL, AGAIN

I went churning through space and time,

To find me the best limerick rhyme,

Didn't know why they'd care,

But police were everywhere,

Seems space-time churning is considered a crime.

JIMMY SMILED SO SLY, ON THE 4TH OF JULY

Jimmy had cracker explosions for the 4th Of July,

He ate olive  bologna with sauerkraut on rye,

So with each sky boom, boom,

Jimmy let off a toxic perfume,

Then at the folks all around, he smiled, so sly.

I TOOK A PASS AT EATING SWEET GRASS

Someone gave me some green grass to eat,

Couldn't eat it, because it was too sweet,

So I cast it on the fire,

Then things became real dire,

Both of my hands became rabbit feet.

BATTERY EXPIRATION DATES, AND MY NEW ELECTRIC CAR

I decided to build my own electric car, brand new

To make it light, I used tin foil for the bod, light blue,

The batteries for my car,

Came from pop's portable VCR,

They didn't work, because they expired in '92.

SAD AWAKENING

I awoke with my nose holes all full of thick slag,

My tears turned my pillow into a soggy tea bag,

I had cried all through my sleep,

For I had just wrecked my new jeep,

And my insurance, I have sadly let lag.

YOU CAN TRAVEL ACROSS OUTER SPACE, AND STILL FIND SAND IN YOUR SHORTS

I blasted upward in my spaceship to visit off-planet land,

However, everywhere I went I found nothing, but deep sand,

Then far out among the stars,

Was a planet sim to ours,

With stone mountains and water valleys, called "grand".

LAKE WOEBE WAS GONE

I went to Lake Woebe and found the lake was gone,

There was not any water, or cabins with green lawn,

There were fish stuck in the mud,

So my trip was not a dud,

The fish were stuck really good; to remove them took brawn. 

TAP WATER TURNED ME INTO SNAKE FOOD

Last night I drank some tap water, now this morning I'm a frog,

I then went outside and hopped around, undercover of the fog,

I hopped down to the lake,

I was eaten by a snake,

Soon the snake was all chewed up, by the next door neighbor's dog.

MY COOKIES ARE SO CRUMMY

I made a batch of cookies, and they turned out way too small,

Someone told me they were cookie crumbs, and weren't cookies at all,

From my eyes I shed big tears,

I had no cookies for my dears,

So I went down and bought filled doughnuts at the all night mall.