TWO BIRDS FOUGHT OVER THE SAME NEST

Two birds fought over the same nest,
One was a sparrow; the other a robin red breast,
The sparrow was short and relatively small,
The robin big and by comparison tall,
The sparrow retreated because he thought it was best.

DEER, JAIL AND, MUSHROONS

I shot a deer that was too small,
But, the arresting officer, he stood tall,
Now, after six months in jail,
I'll get out my mushroom pail,
And, search for the elusive puffball.

THE QUILLS AND THRILLS OF JASON JOHN JR.

Jason John Jr. was a man seeking  great thrills,
Jason John Jr. was covered with porcupine quills,
He once bested a bear,
Gave a rhino a scare,
One touch and any beast runs for the hills. 

BAD NEIGHBORS

Someone stole my garden tools,

Methinks the culprits are my neighbor fools,

And, my outdoor chairs,

They've claimed them as theirs,

No one follows the good neighbor rules.

I'M NOT A REAL POET

"Things fall apart," the poet Yeats would divine,

When order turns to chaos, all poets for order pine,

That's why I'm not a poet,

I think anarchy is fine,

I do not talk of hunter birds,

With the rhyming of my words,

And,  I'll end up at Hades gate, 

Churned by worms, I'll fatten bait.

I SHOULD CHARGE ADMISSION, TO MY BEARD

I have a zoo living in my beard,

Animals both common, and also very weird,

There's a howl, a chirp and bark,

Roars like a Jurassic Park,

And there are the smells, which are nastier than what I heard.

MY NEIGHBOR'S CHICKEN OH GOOD GRIEF LIMERICK

My neighbor's chicken oh, good grief,

Got in my chicken and ate my beef,

Although two wrongs don't make right,

My food budget is tight,

So, roast chicken was my chosen relief.

 

GRANDMA AND THE FOUR BEARS

Four bears ate at grandpa's, but he was just a munch,

He was old and skinny and not a satisfying lunch,

But the bears found a winner,

When they ate grandma for dinner,

She was full of whiskey she had laced within her punch.

THE REEF AIR BEEF LIMERICK

Marshal went diving on a deep coral reef,

But, poor Marshal had a really big beef,

He became filled with despair,

Because he had no good air,

It's on his tombstone in a gold relief.
 

BONES UNDER STONES

I went out digging under a pile of stones,

And there I found some humanoid bones,

I was feeling kinda sad,

Something went stellar bad,

There was a long knife with brown, rusty tones,

I went back to my shack to swallow some beer,

To quell my shakes and pervert my fear,

There was a knock at the door,

It was that fella from the store,

He held a knife and I said, "oh dear",

He said he was a fulltime pickle diller, 

And a weekend serial killer,

Now I'm under the stones,

With those other old bones,

Giving worms a protein belly filler.

DAVE NEEDS BUG SPRAY, OR SOMETHING

Dave went and bought some used tights,

They were full of parasites,

On Dave's skin,

The sites dig in,

They squirm a little, then they bites.

JENNY LIKED TO SHOP WITH THRIFT-Limerick

Jenny liked to shop with great thrift,
She spent just a penny for a gift,
But, on gifts she received,
She really got peeved,
Under ten bucks she felt she was stiffed.

THE CANNIBAL LIKED BASIL AND DILL

There was a cannibal who lived on a hill,
He liked to eat peasants with basil and fresh dill,
Now he grew the basil from seed,
But stole the dill weed,
From the peasants' kitchen garden windowsill.

NIPPLE PIERCINGS TELL A LOT ABOUT A PERSON, LIMERICK

There was a king,

They called Bing Bing,

And here's the thing,

He liked to sing,

"My Ding-A-Ling,"

A nipple piercing,

Was his bling,

Shaped like a diamond ring,

To the past, he did cling,

Hence, he was right-right-wing,

GEORGE WENT FISHING WITH SOME LEECHES-Limerick

George went fishing with some leeches,
Baited them like daddy teaches,
George got a bite,
But din't hold on tight,
Tonight He's eating peaches.

THE PILLOW OF A BACKWOODSMAN

Robert the backwoodsman made his own pillow,
He stuffed it with leaves from an old weeping willow,
But, when he went to bed,
And laid down his head,
The crunching woke his common law wife, Jillo.

GOLD STAR DIRT, EXCEPT FOR BURT

They say we're all made of gold star dirt,

Maybe that's true, except for my cousin, Burt,

For what within he has got,

Mostly resembles green snot,

And Burt's ex says Bert is a pervert.

REMEDY ROOMS

Todd had mushrooms growing on his ceiling,

Todd's mother asked what was Todd dealing,

She thought the mushrooms were worth stealing,

She hoped with muskrat, they'd taste appealing,

And give her ulcer some wood witch healing.

TODD LOST HIS BASE

Todd looked all over the place,

But his feet couldn't find third base,

Todd was tagged out and became a disgrace,

No one would look him in the face,

Except Jean, who gave Todd bear mace,

Todd moved away to another place,

Where Todd just watched the ponies race,

And no one got on his case.

THE BOY AND THE FISH

Where are all the little fish,

I use to see here all the time,

When I waded out past the lily pads,

And, the gross, green frog egg slime,

It's such a trudge out into the lake,

With a cane poll in one hand,

In the other hand I hold a sack of worms,

Sealed with mama's rubber band,

 Now, I cast around my cane poll,

On the end is a hook with a piece of worm,

I let the hook and worm sink down,

Waiting for the line to start to squirm,

Back in school I am no athlete,

Nor, no great brain in second grade,

But, out here I'm a genius Olympian,

Because, I know where and how to wade,

I move slowly leaving a grazing wake,

Then, stop  still at the edge of a deep drop,

Thinking, the time I take is the time I take,

That was taught me by my late pop,

I pull back my cane poll and back flies the hook,

The line drops behind me several feet,

Whipping the poll makes line and bait fly,

The bait plops now, the setup is complete,

In just a moment my lines runs out further, really tight,

Then, slacks-off as it comes toward me,

It turns again, now it's a fight,

It is a big one, I can see,

I see it is a great big bass,

It leaps and fights to be free,

But, he's hooked good, he's going nowhere,

except to supper for mom and me,

I had no net to land the big fish,

So, I backed up pulling him toward the shore,

Working him through the lily pads,

Was a relentless, unplanned chore,

Since it was pan-fish I catch near those lily pads,

The bass must of scared them off this day,

Of course, the big fish is better for dinner,

Because, they're boneless and easy to fillet,

 

I've got the fish out of the water,

I'm pulling him far up on the land,

It don't matter now if the hook pops out when he flops,

He'll just flip and flop in the sand,