SANTA WENT FISHING LIMERICK

Santa went fishing way out on a bay,
He ran out of bait so he used his tope,
He caught a big steelhead trout,
His tope went to the bottom no doubt,
Now, Santa is bald untill this very day.

ODE TO THE DEEP DARK WEB

Why not live on the deep dark web,
The deep dark web's for me,
Why not live on the deep dark web,
Where the media all comes free,

I use to pay for this and that,
Yeah, all those subscriber fees,
I ate Ramon noodles while the fat cats got fat,
I watched old TV while they watched new sleaze,

Now, I recommend the deep dark web,
You get great content without the billing,
The games, music, and shows on the deep dark web,
Are absolutely thrilling,

Well, things have changed an awful lot,
Since, I found the deep dark web,
It's like I've found a new formed Camelot,
While, my cash outflows have a major ebb.

THE FISH BAIT WHITTLER

I sat in my yard swing giving four hours to a whittle,
Carving a fish bait to the size of a skittle,
Now, some think I should do more,
Than wasting hours times four,
But, I think carving wastes my time very little.

HENRY'S RUBBER CRAWLERS

Henry went fishing with his rubber crawlers,
They work really well behind fishing traulers,
Just tie on the harness for the worm,
Watch him wiggle and squirm,
Some worms are just natural brawlers.

MY COMPUTER IS SLOWING WAY DOWN

My computer is slowing way down,
My smile is now a stiff frown,
Could  it be  a virus today?
Or, the net's slow with E-bay?
I'm going  to bed after I put on my gown.

THE CATFISH WAS A GAS AT MY PARTY

A well dressed catfish showed up at my party,

We played clue and that catfish was a smarty,

He always knew which weapon and room,

And thus, the murderer he could assume,

Too bad he ate bean dip and got farty.

BANKERS THEE

Mel and Bernie Bankers Thee,
What will you guys take from me?
You took my money,
You took my house,
You even took my kids and spouse.

GUIDE TO BEING A LADIES MAN LIMERICK

If a guy over ladies wants power,

Then, at least once a day he should shower,

And, to remove a romantic despair,

A guy should well wash his hair,

And, fart only once every hour.

A LEPRECHAUN NAMED PETE

There was a leprechaun named Pete,
Corned beef and cabbage was all he’d eat,
He was full of green gas,
And, could not get a lass,
He made music all night tweet, tweet, tweet.

There was a leprechaun named Sam,
He loved his eggs, bacon and ham,
He once ate a green bean,
It gassed up his small spleen,
Then, he released the gas with a “Bam!”

BANKING, FRANKING, THE MARKETS AND ME

I lost my money in shadow banking,
While the markets rose my account was tanking,
Of course when the markets eroded,
My account  then imploded,
Now, I invest in collectible franking.

CORRINE THE MERMAID IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

Corrine is a mermaid in Grand Traverse Bay,
She is shy so if she sees you she will swim away,
She swims free like a trout,
But, watches all about,
I'd like to meet and greet her one day.

CHIPMUNK VS SQURREL SHOPPIING PHILOSOPHY

The squirrel went to a regular store,
The chipmunk shopped online,
The chipmunk drank his cheap label beer,
The squirrel sampled fine cheese and wine.

THERE ONCE WAS A CROCODILE NAMED LARRY LIMERICK 1

There once was a crocodile named Larry,
He was the only crock that was hairy,
His fangs were real long,
His claws sharp and strong,
He certainly looked very scary.

THE ROAD MOST TAKEN

If you take the road most taken,
You’ll bring home a lot of bacon,
Take the road that’s not,
You won’t have a pot,
Then, with your family you will be forsaken.

DANNY HATED BOOKS

Danny hated books,
Reading hurt his head too much,
Became Senator.

LARRY THE CROCODILE LIMERICK 2

Larry the crocodile owns a bank,
He swims all day in his deluxe fish tank,
If your payments are late,
Then, you will surely be ate,
It's a fate with a really low rank.

GENERATIONS NO DOUGH

The days are long,

The nights are short,

So, my late nights out,

I must abort,

Working long hours,

Can't get ahead,

What the man don't steal,

I must send to the fed,

I have no vacations,

I have low pay,

While my rich, rich boss,

Lives on holiday,

My parents were poor,

No money to blow,

So, ad infinitum,

Generations, no dough.

PEPPY THE ANTIQUE PICKER LIMERICK

Peppy was a popular picker of antique coins and clothes,
She did not have to see a top pick; she could smell it with her nose,
But, something went really funny,
When Peppy thought she smelled old money,
Because, the smell came from the big toe jams in between her toes.

THE TWIT WHO WRIT THE SKIT

I be the twit who writ the skit,

About the possum who liked to knit,

I thought it had an Emmy's gold glow,

As a series TV show,

Alas, I found no network who liked the bit.

SAVANNAH TOO SMART

Savannah was just too smart,
She was segregated apart,
She had such a yearn,
To be too stupid to learn,
And to laugh when one throws a lawn jart.

CLARITY OF MIND

Today I had a "clarity of mind,"
I realized that I was in a real bind,
My taxes were due,
My insurances too,
And, no money could I find.

IVAN THE BEAR LIKES FISH

There was a grizzly bear named Ivan,
In the river he'd go a diving,
He'd make a wish,
Dive for a fish,
A fish dinner he was a striving.

BUNNY BLUE WAS MY FAVORITE BOOK

Bunny Blue was my favorite book,

My mom would read it in the window nook,

And, every single word,

I memorized as I heard,

With each page where my eyes took a look.

MY CRITIQUE OF DINERS

I read all the silly little signs,

At the places where I dines,

I also notice the sticky tables,

And, the toilet monsters born from fables,

But, all ends well with beers and wines. 

THE ONLINE CREEPY CRAWLERS

Everywhere online I go,

The creepy crawlers think they know,

My wants good and bad,

They target with ad,

To get a click to make some dough.

TEQUILA AND THE ECLIPSE

I went up the hill to watch the eclipse,

The walk was really hard on my hips,

And, Old Sol was unkind,

For my stares made me blind,

Or, was it the tequila that passed over my lips.

TOO LATE FOR THE TIN TOY SOLDIERS

My tin soldiers were all covered in crust,

I had left them outside for years to just rust,

I cleaned them one day,

And, the rust crust went away,

As my tin soldiers all crumbled to dust. 

MY GIRLFRIEND PICKS HER NOSE HAIKU

Girlfriend picks her nose,
Not happy with what I see,
She has job, ignore.

PAPA CRAIG MITCHELL MIXED HIS COFFEE AND TEA

Papa Craig Mitchell mixed his coffee and tea,
He added milk, sugar and, honey made by a bee,
Many thought he was insane,
Some disease of the brain,
But, Papa Craig Mitchell still lives at age 93.

MY BANKER TOLD ME TO BUY REAL ESTATE LIMERICK

My banker told me to buy real estate,
I lost my shirt by the closing date,
My broker said buy stocks,
Then, stocks hit the rocks,
I guess being broke is just my fate.

I LOST MY JOB ETC. LIMERICK

I lost my job, my car and, my home,
I'm kind of stuck with no where to roam,
I've moved in with my parents,
I'm here with forbearance,
I can't drink the stuff with the foam.

WITH NO SPINNER I'LL HAVE NO FISH FOR DINNER

I did not catch no fish for dinner,

For in the weeds I lost my spinner,

And, spinners bring joy,

To each fish girl and fish boy,

So, with no spinner I'm no winner.

THE LEANEST CHICKEN SANDWICH IS NOT AS GOOD AS BEAN

I ate a chicken sandwich guaranteed to be lean,

But, there wasn't any chicken for the sandwich bun was clean, 

And, I was in a daze,

Because, there was no mayonnaise,

So, next time I want some protein I'll order a sandwich made from bean. 

DOWN CAME THE OLD WHITE PINE LIMERICK

Down came the old white pine,

After a lightning bolt broke its spine,

Now, I'll use the branches and splinters,

For hearth fires in future winters,

And, leave the needles so the critters to dine.

I JUST MADE THIS TWEET

I just made this tweet,

I just made this twitter,

I commented on someone's poor hygiene,

Then, their response was bitter.

THERE WAS A BAND THAT PLAYED OUT OF TUNE

A band played way out of tune,
They played from midnight until noon,
And, they could not keep a beat,
Even tapping their feet,
I wish they would quit really soon.

DRIVER'S EYE EXAM HAIKU

Driver’s exam, eyes,
Letters, blur, blur, gone, can't see,
No see, no drive, Failed!

I DID NOT FRECKLE WELL

I fear my face has been Dr. Jeckeled,
I went to bed with clear skin and woke up all freckled,
And, the great change in my face,
Has my friends on my case,
For all the rest of the day I was heckled.

IT'S FRIDAY THE THIRTEENTH THE LIMERICK

It's Friday the Thirteenth and I can't win,
I'm being visited by a houseful of kin,
They devoured all my steaks,
Leaving me to eat just pancakes,
And, they drank all of my beer, wine, bourbon and gin.

NO PAY NO STAY

Your rent you must always pay,
If you don‘t you‘ll be forced away,
Like my parents would always say,
“Remember son, no pay no stay.”

JASON WAS THE LIMERICK KING

Jason was the limerick king,
He could rhyme about anything,
He was good with the rhyme,
But his time was a crime,
So he never had any bling.

JASON TRIED TO WRITE MUSIC VERSE

Jason tried to write music verse,
But, each revision sounded worse,
His love unrequited,
Got no one excited,
He became a registered nurse.

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HAROLD THE THESPIAN

Harold was a thespian,
He wrote the thespian news,
In order to right something that sounded good,
Harold really hit the hard booze,

So many actors were really bad,
Harold could not hide his humor,
They gave so much that it was sad,
That their acting was a cancer tumor,

Their timing was way off,
Their sincerity was not true,
They sounded best when someone would cough,
They were terrible and all but, they knew.

LIONS NEED ME

Woods, full of lions,
Stalking, drooling, pining me,
Feelings, needed, me.

THE YELLOWED COWBOY HAT OF TEXAS

I decided to go to the Western Bar,
I walked because it was not too far,
My white cowboy hat had yellowed,
So, passersby bellowed,
My western look wasn't quite par.

HOT APPS AND MY BANJO CAN'T PLAY

My fingers got blown off today,
Now, my banjo I clearly can't play,
I blame my cell phone,
Which was explosion prone,
Because, of hot apps downloaded in May.

HEADLESS BODIES AND SHARKS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

In Grand Traverse Bay there are sharks who will bite,
So, onto your arms and your legs hold on tight,
And, best guard your head,
If sharks eat that you're dead,
And, headless bodies fill tourists with fright.

I GOT A CRICKET

I got a cricket beneath my old bed,
I got it's chirping in my throbbing head,
So, I took a look,
To smack him with a book,
Out the window the cricket done fled.

HOLIDAY CRISIS

Everyone has left town for a holiday bash,

It's off to the lake for a tan and a splash,

And, the prices I'm told,

Reflect a weekend oversold,

So, there's a crisis of credit and cash,

I STEADIED MY JIG TO EAT FISH LIKE A PIG

I went fishing out on the waves so big,

I used 10 lbs of sinkers to steady my jig,

And, did I hook a whopper,

A real surface flopper,

Then, that night I ate fish like a pig.

THE SHARKS IN GRAND TRAVERSE BAY

There's sharks in Grand Traverse Bay,
Otherwise, it's a nice place to stay,
But, the sharks always attack,
Few swimmers come back,
And, upfront at hotels you must pay.

HAMELET THE DIPSY DIVER SWIMS FAST

Hamlet was a shy dipsy diver bug,
He'd dive if he caught a glimpse of your mug,
He'd swim ten foot away,
Before you could say,
"He must use a performance enhancing drug."

POISED TO BE A WINNER

I am poised to be a winner if, no one else shows up,

I will run the mighty hometown dash and take home the winner's cup,

For although I know I'm slow,

If no one else shows up at go,

I will be attended by my fans tonight at the local brew and sup.

MY SPACESHIP DIDN'T MAKE AND NEITHER DID I

My spaceship didn't get into outer space,

Instead, it crashed upon it's face,

I would have cried,

But, of course I died,

In the angel's choir I sing base.

THE TENOR PIG THAT MADE IT BIG

I gave my pig a real fair choice,
Become a ham or use his voice,
His tenor voice was brilliant,
Really opera resilient,
Now, his ride is a custom Rolls Royce. 

MY SALMON FISHING DAY

Salmon fishing, cold,
Leaky waders, wet socks, POW!!!
Run over, boat, OUCH!!!

GREGG USED A PENCIL TO CLEAN OUT HIS NOSE

Gregg used a pencil to clean out his nose,
It was a poor choice and caused him great woes,
Though he used the eraser end,
It got stuck in the nose bend,
His humiliation just grows and grows.

 

SPACE MONKEY JUSTICE

A space monkey landed on my old car,
He was nasty cause he got drunk at the bar,
He barred his mean teeth,
He bit my little brother named Keith,
So, the space monkey got town justice with feathers and tar.

EVIL ROY THE MOTH LIMERICK

Roy was a great big summer moth,
He only ate pure cotton cloth,
He would never play fair,
Ate holes in underwear,
The drafts made you yearn for hot broth.

I DON'T PUT THE QUARTERS IN MY LEAKY POT

I took a pottery class and made me a pot,
But, it didn't hold liquids because it leaked a lot,
So, I stored in it my change,
The denominational range,
Except quarters, I spend all that I got.

THE JOHN VIEN TOOTHPICK LEGEND

Old John Vien cut the timber down,

On his eighty acres,

He floated the logs down the stream,

To find some timber takers,

John Vien hopped among the logs,

With a stick to clear logs that cram,

All went well until the water stopped,

At a beaver's big log jam,

Now, John Vien's timber float,

Was ending as the logs crammed tight,

But, John Vien had on his river boat,

A load of dynamite,

The dynamite blew up the dam real good,

But, the logs were now splinters in the air,

That's how John Vien started his toothpick business,

And became a millionaire.